I never wash the floor. It's beneath me.

 If, at first, you don't succeed... I would not recommend skydiving.


A man went skydiving for the first time.
The pilot went to find the man’s wife. “I’ve got some bad news, some good news, some even worse news and some better news.”
“Oh, my gosh...what happened?”

“Your husband fell out of the plane.
The good news is that he had a parachute on.
The worse news is that the parachute didn’t open.”

The wife had nearly fainted from shock.
“The better news is that we hadn’t taken off yet.”



So a sky diver jumps at 10,000 feet but his ‘chute malfunctions and he augers in.
When his jump buddy breaks the news to the dead guy’s girlfriend she sobs, “Did . . . did he say my name before he died?”
The jump buddy says, “Yeah, if your name is AAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHH!”


The primary rule with skydiving is this: when the people look like ants you don’t pull the cord,when the ants look like people you pull the cord.