I had a couple short jokes so I’ll just throw them together.
Three construction workers are sitting around a site in break after a couple days’ rain. To pass the time they each bet they can throw a brick the highest. They decide whoever gets their brick to sink the farthest into a deep mud puddle will win. So the first guy rears back, throws his brick, and it sinks 6 inches into the mud. The second guy takes aim, throws his brick up, and it sinks a full foot into the mud. Then the third guy takes his shot, throws his brick up... and it doesn’t come down.
The second joke is thus: A woman decides she wants to visit her mother in the hospital after a recent surgery. She decides she will take her pet parrot too, since her mother loves seeing him. Unfortunately, her mother lives several states away and the only viable travel option is on a no pets, no smoking flight the next day (this is, of course, before no smoking on any flight). So she decides she will smuggle her parrot in under a jacket.
So the next day, the woman packs her bag, dons a jacket and takes her parrot to the airport. Once there, she gives the parrot a treat and hides him in her jacket. Once the plane takes off, the captain comes out into the cabin to speak with the passengers. In his mouth is the biggest cigar anyone in this flight has ever seen. As he reaches the woman, he asks her how she is enjoying the flight. “Just fine,” she responds. “Well great, we should be there in time, so please enjoy the flight.”
As he is just about to walk away, the pilot hears Arw, Polly want a cracker. “What was that?” the pilot asks. “Oh, nothing!” ARW, POLLY WANT A CRACKER! “You have a parrot!” The pilot exclaims. “Well you have a cigar!” The woman responds, equally enraged.
The captain reaches over, opens the woman’s jacket, and pulls out the parrot. “You’re not allowed to have a parrot on this plane,” the pilot says. The woman snatches the cigar out of the pilot’s mouth and retorts, “Well you’re not allowed to have a cigar on this plane!”
At this point, the pilot has had enough, so he opens a window and throws the parrot out the window. Furious, the woman throws the pilot’s cigar out the window before he has a chance to close it. As the pilot storms back to the cockpit, the lady sits down fuming over the loss of her beloved pet parrot.
After the pilot has had a chance to calm down, and has put the entire event from his mind, he hears a tapping, tap tap tap, at his window. He looks over and what should he see but the parrot. And it has something in its beak.
Now you might think the parrot grabbed the pilot’s cigar, but no. In its beak is...