Sunday, July 23, 2017

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

A science teacher tells his class
A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773."
A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

A teacher sent kids home with an assignment to find something that teaches a life lesson.

The next day Mary goes first and says "our chickens laid eight eggs so I thought we'd have 8 chicks, but only 5 hatched"

Teacher asks "what was the lesson?"
Mary says "don't count your chickens before they hatch".

Then it's Bobby's turn "my uncle was a Marine pilot in Vietnam. He was shot down and as he parachuted down he takes his 'inventory'. He has a gun with 7 shots, a fifth of whiskey, and a knife. There are 100 men waiting for him on the ground. He drinks the whiskey on the way down and when he lands he kills 7 with the gun and the rest with his knife."
Horrified the teacher asks "what's the lesson here!?"

Bobby replies "don't mess with my uncle when he's drunk"

3 old guys were talking about their health problems

Old guy 1: I'm 75 and every morning at 7 i wake up but i just can't pee. I'm too old and something is restricting it i don't know.
Old guy 2: Ohh thats nothing, I'm 85 and everytime I wake up at 8 I just can't poo. I feel so bloated all day.
Old guy 3: I'm 96. I don't know about you, but at 7 i pee , at 8 i poo and at 9 I wake up

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."

Border officer: Do you have anything to declare?

Traveller: Only an undying love of travel puns.
Border officer: ...You just crossed a line, kid.

The housemaid has some bad and good news.

A housemaid calls her boss and says "I've got some good and bad news"
"Well give me the bad news first"
"Your dog died"
"My dog died! When did that happen?"
"After the horse kicked it"
"Well why in the world did the horse kick it?"
"Because the stables were on fire"
"The stables were on fire! I just feckin built them!"
"Well the flames managed to spread from the house somehow..."
"The house! The house caught fire? How the hell did that happen?"
"A candle fell off of your dad's coffin"
"My dad died? When did THAT happen?"
"Soon after your mothers funeral I believe"
"My mother died too? How has such tragedy struck me on my holiday to Spain? Well damn you woman! What's the good news?"
"Well, the heat from the flames brought the dandelions up high before the spring!"

A woman found a little boy crying on the street.
She asked him: "Why are you crying, boy?"
He answered: "A classmate of mine threw my sandwich away!"
"On purpose?" The woman asked.
"No," he responded, "on the ground!"

What Is The Height Of Misunderstanding?
A Man Marrying His Own Secretary Thinking That She Will Still Follow His Orders As Before.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares.

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