Saturday, July 22, 2017

What do you call a fart in a funeral? Rip in peace.

I asked my friend, "if you had to get rid of one body part what would it be?"
He said, "My spine, it holds me back."
"Or I'd get rid of my legs, because it stood me up."

3 blondes are stuck on a river bank and can't cross it. They find a bottle in the sand, and as they open it, a genie pops out.

"I will promise you 3 wishes. Pick carefully." Says the genie.
"I want a boat." Says the first one. The genie grants her wish, but the river current is too powerful and she drifts away to her death.
"I want a motorboat." Announces the second blonde. However, it had no fuel. Off she goes to die.
"I want black hair." Says the third one, and then she crosses the bridge.

I'm going to steal a news van.
It's the perfect crime. How will they ever report it?

Why was everyone confused when a crab walked straight into the bar?
Because crabs only walk sideways.

How to install a southern home security system

    Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
    Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
    Leave a note on the door that reads:


Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don't mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked 'em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back.


I absolutely love the earth's rotation...
it really makes my day.

My friend, Boo, died on July 4th.

Sam, affectionately nicknamed "Boo", died in a motorcycle incident this week. It was July 4th, and there was some drinking involved, hence the crash.

Just goes to show you guys, Boos and motorcycles don't mix.

A hamburger walks into a bar
The bartender stares him down, and says "We don't serve food here!

Why did the octopus cross the reef?
To get to the other tide.

What type of currency do people use in space?

After all these years of marriage, my wife is still hot
However now it comes in flashes.

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