I recently went to a vegetarian restaurant and a woman said she recognized me. But I had never met herbivore.

Yep.  This one threw me.  It kind of came out of left field.


Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who's had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed

I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.

I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn't allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling.

I told him he should go to bed and he just stomped around trying to be intimidating.

And then the straw that broke the camels back, my wife came home and he tried to grab her breasts.

All of this over some stupid formula, nobody told me having a baby would be this tough.


And if life were just this simple, right?

My wife and I wear the same size shoes. We're solemates.