My therapist told me I'm incapable of expressing my emotions. I can't say I'm surprised.

I have to wonder.  Walking around any town with the dog at 530AM that has a lot of tourists I would expect a story like this one playing out.

I wonder... do they get away with it?


 
 A drinking story

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood pub, the police noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles he finally managed to find his own car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as several other patrons left the bar and drove off.   Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.   At last, when almost everyone had left, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.   Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” answered the man. Tonight I’m the designated decoy. The rest all got away.”

Why are pediatricians so upset all the time? Because they have very little patients.

Never having been to Alaska, there is a certain mystique about the place.  Problem is that I'd probably want to drive the Jeep up there since I just do not fit in an airplane being a very fit 6'4".  That's a bit further than I would want to drive. 



 The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him.

"Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.

The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."

"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.

After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"

The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"

With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

Replacing the iPod Video Battery

First of all, if you are still using one of these things and are not using Rockbox, look into it.  It turns your iPod from an annoying exercise of futility to an external hard drive that happens to play media like your MP3.

Second, this is the second time I did this.  It works.  But, I have to give you the official Internet Warranty:

Ramblingmoose.com does not warrant any missteps or broken hardware.  You do this procedure at your own risk.  If you are unsure of your own capability of this repair, don't do it.  It really is a simple repair but it is possible to do wrong.

Step 1:  Get the battery from online.  (Package is unopened in the left of the picture above)  This is the second time I did this with a 650mAh battery and it is now a 18 year old device.

Step 2: Tools needed are a Spudger.  Basically it's a guitar pick that will allow you to pull the back off your iPod.  These are scattered all over the picture above.

Step 3: Use the Spudger to pry the back off the iPod.  The long side where the headphone jack is connected is where I was able to break the seal and get the back off.  I used light pressure and twisted the Spudger back and forth until the steel back comes loose. 

However... the first time I did this years ago, I used the Spudger on the bottom as there is a plastic support piece that will hold the back to the iPod.  Be Flexible as to where you are working on the iPod.

Step 4: Warning: there are fragile wires and ribbon cables connecting the battery and the headphone jack and both are glued to back of the iPod.

Step 5: At the bottom of the ipod, and on the opposite corner of the earplug connector is the battery connector.  This is at the lower left of the picture.  The wire is routed to the board via a connector that has a lock on it.  The lock needs to be released toward the bottom of the unit.  It can be clicked down with the Spudger.  Once released, you can gently flick the wire out of the connector.

Step 6: The battery itself can be removed at this point.   It is held in place with some double sided tape.  Lift it out of place. 

Step 7: Remove the cover on the double sided tape from bottom of the new battery, if tape exists.  Set the battery in place so that the wire is free. Attach the wire into the connector and flip the lock in place to hold the wire in place. The wires have metal colored connectors on one side.  Those are to be inserted in to the connector and locked in place with those connectors pointing toward the hard drive.

Step 8: Place the steel back in place and close up your iPod.  You are done.  Charge the battery before use, it took me 3 hours to get a full charge.  Rockbox reports that I have 12 hours of play time on the iPod after a charge.

I told my wife I wasn't a fan of her new drawn-on eyebrows. She looked surprised

 Ahhh, delivery arriving today by 10 PM.  Great, I need the part to put a new battery in my old school iPod Video.  Yep, I actually still use the beast and they can be quite useful in the car.

At any rate, speaking of Tech:




 High tech in the sauna

Three women, a German, a Japanese, and an American hillbilly. were sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly stared right back at them and said, “Well, will you look at that – I'm getting a fax!”

I recently became a expert in procrastination. I'll tell you about it later.

Ok, so in case you are like me, finished coffee, and Pizza in a Mug for Breakfast, now it's time to get to work!


 Animals to auction

Ron the farmer is auctioning off a number of his animals, and his ranch supervisor needs to get them across town to the auction site...

"Mauricio, you're late"

Sorry señor, flat tire

"Well hurry up, the auction begins at 10 and I want all the animals we're selling sent over"

Yes, right away señor

Mauricio pulls his truck, trailer in tow, around to the horses first. He loads them up and drives off towards the auction site.

On the way there, Mauricio drives 1mph above the speed limit, and as he passes a highway patrol car, he notices the officer glance at him and then go back to his coffee. Mauricio continues and drops off the animals and heads back to the farm. He does the same trip with the other animals, each trip going 1mph faster than before. When he's almost done and has just a few animals left, the trailer suffers a tire blowout on the way to the farm. Ron tells Mauricio when he arrives:

"Just take the goats in the bed of the truck, by the time you get back, I'll have the trailer's tire replaced."

So Mauricio takes the goats to the auction site, at this point now passing by the officer 5mph above the speed limit. When he gets back to the farm, the trailer is back to normal, and they load up the pigs in the bed of the truck and the donkeys on the trailer and notice that it's getting close to 10 o'clock and need to hurry.

Farmer Ron tells Mauricio that after he drops off the animals, to come back to the farm and supervise the workers in the fields, and he takes off to the auction in his sports car to ensure he gets there first.

Mauricio drives off and when he gets on the road starts driving just a bit faster than the other times, passing by the officer 6mph above the speed limit. This time, however, the officer has what looks like a handheld radar gun pointed at Mauricio, and as he drives by, the officer shakes his head and gets into his car. But he doesn't chase after Mauricio.

On the way back to the farm after successfully dropping off the animals at 9:58, Mauricio notices that the officer is not on the other side of the road, but on his side, and the officer waves him down to stop on the shoulder.

Mauricio is a bit nervous but hopes to be able to explain himself, and lowers his window and sets his drivers license on the dash. The officer walks up to the window and greets Mauricio, then asks him:

"When you were on the other side heading across town, do you know how fast you were going?"

Mauricio nervously responds no, señor, but you measure my speed, correct?

The officer says: "To be honest, I don't know how fast you were going, see, I forgot to turn on my radar gun. I just noticed that you were hauling ass"

Most of Hurricane Prep Involves Being Where It Isn't

 I remember when I moved here to South Florida being in a conversation about the weather.  Why not, right?  Everyone talks about the weather but you can't do anything about it.

When the topic shifted to Hurricanes and Tropical Storms the comment that sticks with me was simple.

"You just have to hope that it isn't where you are."

Of course that has a few other meanings.  Wish it on someone else comes to mind along with hope for a fish spinner.

A Fish Spinner is a storm that is out to sea and never really comes on shore.  It spins a few fish, splashes a few waves, and bothers nobody.

There are a few basic things that are required in order to create a hurricane, and the more of those basic things that you have, the worse the storm will be.

Ocean temperatures of 27C or 86F are required.  That will tend to feed a small cluster of thunderstorms and make them grow.  It does not mean that you will have a monster, it merely means that the conditions are better for the creation of a storm.

The winds have to be favorable as well.   That cluster of storms with a strong shear won't get a start on growth.

Since the Gulf of Mexico has been turned from a body of water into a hot tub thanks to all the carbon we have been pumping into the atmosphere since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, and especially over the last hundred years, the conditions are ripe for the creation of a monster storm like Milton or any other category 5 storm.

Here I sit, in one of the places in Florida that are going to have "minor" effects from this storm.  It's going to come ashore in the Tampa Bay area, work its way towards Orlando and the Space Coast, and then back out to sea.  I'm near Fort Lauderdale, and I am hoping that this won't be my storm.  I'm listening to news coverage of the "event" where a Dentist was talking about clearing out the rubbish from Helene two weeks before in Tampa and hoping that the 15 foot storm surge won't wipe out his office in an eerily quiet and abandoned city. 

A 15 foot storm surge is not survivable. 

Last minute preparations should have been made the day before.

Here, I picked up the plastic table and chairs, the other light objects that could fly and threw them into the pool in the back yard.  The wind sock on the porch is down, and as a result a bird decided it was time to fly into the front window and end itself.  That is why I have wind socks on the front of the house, to save the birds.

But here, that is about all I will do.  The Bahama shutters are down.  The light plastic items are in the pool and will benefit from the bath.

This isn't Tampa, this isn't our storm.  Good luck up there, you're going to need help recovering. 

How did the king become top of his class? By passing all of his subjects.

I would say this is a perfect illustration of the law of unintended consequences.  Or just bad aim.

 

 Husband tries childbirth simulator

A woman is in labor, and the doctor comes in and says, "we have this cool new device that lets the father participate by feeling the pain of childbirth! What do you think?"

The wife is all for it, so the husband says, "sure- I'll try it."

He puts it on, turns it to 20% power, and waits. Nothing. "Cool," he says. "Turn it to 50% and let's see what I've got."

They turn it up to 50%, and after a minute, he's still pretty comfortable. "I don't know what the big deal is- this is a walk in the park!" He says. "I've got this. Turn it up to 11."

They turn it up to 110%, and he's still doing fine! He can't believe it, but he's pretty impressed with himself for being so tough.

Wife has the baby, and when they get home, the mail man is dead on the front porch.

There's one thing you can always say for bad poetry... It could be verse!

 The problem with making good coffee, and I mean the really good stuff, is that you want more.   So as I wobble into the kitchen to get myself totally blasted on caffeine, I'll drop this on the floor for everyone to enjoy.




Tech Company Lunch

I was having lunch at a table with a tech support guy, a saleswoman, and an IT guy. During the conversation, the saleswoman mentioned a massive Chevy truck parked outside.

The tech support guy perked up and proudly claimed it was his new truck. He then launched into a detailed explanation about the off-road tires and the lift kit he’d installed, clearly trying to impress everyone at the table.

After about five minutes of this, I casually said, "You know, they say the size of a guy’s vehicle is inversely proportional to the size of his junk... maybe he’s compensating for something."

The tech support guy looked irritated, while the saleswoman gave a little smirk.

Then, the IT guy, who had been quietly eating, looked up, locked eyes with the saleswoman, smiled, and said, "I ride a bike."

Pizza In A Mug - Perfect 250 Calorie Meal

I have had a lot of "In A Mug" recipes float past my view lately.
 
This just intrigued me so I made it for breakfast.

The result was not bad actually.  It's basically the same as a slice of pizza with a good flavor. 

The crust was not typical though, more like a (US) Biscuit so if you are looking for a traditional crust this is not really it.

But the flavor was spot on!  Savory, a little salty, and at about 250 calories, worth the effort.

Ingredients:

Crust:
4 Tablespoons/56g All Purpose Flour
1/2 teaspoon Italian Seasoning
1/8 teaspoon Baking Powder
1/8 teaspoon Baking Soda
1/8 teaspoon Salt
1 Tablespoon Olive Oil
3 Tablespoons Water

Topping:
1 Tablespoon/14g Pizza Sauce
2 Tablespoons/29g Mozzarella Cheese

Process:

Mix the Crust Ingredients in a 16 Ounce/1/2 liter Mug.
Stir the Crust Ingredients until it makes a wet batter.
Top with Pizza Sauce and Mozzarella Cheese.
Microwave for 90 seconds.
Allow to cool and enjoy.

Why did the eraser add insult to injury? It likes to rub it in.

 I will say that if I walk into a room and the lights are on, I turn them off when I leave.   The timers?  If a bathroom fan is on longer than 30 minutes, I turn it to shorten the time.

Yes, that is how I rebel.



 There was man whose wife was always trying to save money. She used coupons, barely ran the AC, and stuff like that...

...She also didn't like to use the car much, to save on gas, tires, brakes, etc.
Her habit annoyed her husband sometimes.

One day while taking the bus home from work, the man noticed that there was often a lot of traffic and he wondered if he could run home just as fast as the bus takes him.
So the next day he decided to try it.

After work, he headed over to the bus stop, sat down, and put on a pair of sneakers.
As soon as he saw the bus he started running.
He ran the entire length of the route.
And he even arrived home earlier than he usually does.
He thought his wife would be happy.

He said to her, "Honey, I saved us $2 by not taking the bus. I jogged alongside the bus all the way home!"
And she thought for a moment and replied, "Next time, you can save $20 if you run beside a taxi!"