Sunday, March 26, 2023

What does a house wear? A dress.

I will say that I truly enjoy wandering around a flea market.  There were a bunch of them around Philly and I made it a point to get my produce there as well as some home made jelly and baked goods.



I got stabbed at the flea market.

I thought it would be fun to take my son to the flea market to see the wide array of commodities being sold.

"Oh, look! There's an ice cream man!" My boy exclaimed. So we walked up to the ice cream booth and I said: "Hey there ice cream man!". And then we ordered a couple cones.

Next was the kettle-corn man; my favorite! So of course we said: "Hey kettle-corn man!" We watched the popcorn pop for a while, and didn't leave the kettle-corn guy's booth without a big bag of popcorn in hand.

And after that we visited the glass blower man. We said: "Hey glass blower man!". Then we watched the mesmerizing glass blower man for a while..

It was a pleasant evening up until we approached the little man at the woodworking booth and I said: "Hey there whittle guy!".

Saturday, March 25, 2023

What's the opposite of ground beef? High steaks!

If an old dude tries to give you advice while cutting slices off an apple with a pen knife...

Take the advice.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

And furthermore at the market...

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to his manager to complain about the unfair treatment and to state his grievances. He demanded that something had to be done.

The next day, he saw his "to do" list and was profoundly relieved. He had finally received just ice.

(You may want to read that last sentence out loud.)

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

Consistency, Because It's Fun in sports. You aren't in High School any more, right?

The reboot of That 90's Show had a scene in it.  

The granddaughter Leia was all confused.  She made a comment to granddad, Red.  Now mind you, the character of Red is an irascible and irritating parody of a grumpy old man.

Anyway, the granddaughter, Leia, made a comment that she thought Red was so wise.  The comment that has stuck with me is one of the best pieces of advice I have heard in quite a while.

I'll paraphrase it "It's alright, we're all making it up as we go along".  

I want to add a "You'll figure it out" to that but it is something nobody told me until I was well out of college and on my own.

And that is the point of it all.  

If you are too rigid and dogmatic, you're not going to enjoy yourself and whatever it is, you'll grind to a stop.

If I had that magic time machine and went back to my younger self, I'd tell myself that.

It's that rigidity that got me in big trouble.

It was the early 2000s, I was in Philadelphia.  Inline skating was fading to just us hard core people.  Even my mentor had transitioned to cycling.  I had gone at it to the point where vacation was a week off from work and skated 204 miles.  Usually with headphones on and listening to audio books and DJ sets on the iPod.  

Yes, 7 consecutive days, carving so many loops in Fairmount Park where the Park Maintenance crew asked me why I was doing it.

"Because it's fun".

Ok, so Ricardo Lino ends his skating videos with that line and it brings a knowing smile to my face.  But there's a flip side to that.

I was quite dogmatic, which is the bad side of consistency.  I would weightlift in the mornings before work then skate the night away.  Eventually season ends.  Had to readjust the diet for the off season since I was burning 100 calories of food per mile, and at 100 miles a week, that's a lot of carbs.

However, the secret is that inline skating builds the outsides of your upper legs, the quadriceps muscle, much more than the insides.  The result is that simply standing up would dislocate your knee cap.

Now THAT is not fun. 

So what I am doing now to counteract all that is cross training on the bicycle.  Yep, the anti-cyclist is now on a bike.  And being true to form, I'm finding out a few secrets.

Mainly, I realized that personally don't need a carbon fibre bike.  Oh don't get me wrong, I'd love one.  I truly, deeply, enjoy the speed I get at top performance on the bike or on my skates.  But it is definitely not necessary.

But the idea of putting someone who is built like a Baseball player with a broad chest on top of a piece of sports equipment that costs as much as a used car is pointless.  

That broad chest of mine forms a very effective windbreak.  I'd be the anchor man in a pack.

Better that I don't compete in a team.

So it all comes full circle.  I am only competing against my yesterday.

Finally and perhaps most importantly, Competing Against My Yesterday requires consistency.  Find a sport, or combination of sports that works well with your strengths and "run with it".  

It isn't slow and steady wins the race, but more like repetition will sharpen the blade on the whetstone.

Sunday, March 19, 2023

Did you hear about the new frog movie? I hear it's ribbiting.

A good solid telling of a little story I have heard a number of times.  On the other hand I just got back from a workout and I'm a little loopy! 

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the eyes unlike any that have ever been seen.

While watching, he overhears a few fellow spectators who are particularly prone to gossip.

He learns that the serial killer from earlier was in fact the infamous Colosseum Killer, and rumors were abound that she was to strike again today, during the match.

This would surely have interrupted the entertainment, disrupting the show and ruining the crocodile's day.

While walking back home, the crocodile thinks back on his encounter. He pats himself on the back, incredibly pleased at himself for having eaten her.

At the end of the day, he was gladiator.

Saturday, March 18, 2023

What do you call a skydiving cow? High Steaks

How about a story that turns dark at the end?  I'm not talking about a clarinet here...

A high school band teacher was trying to teach a new orchestral piece for their upcoming concert. Knowing that the head of the school board was going to be in attendance, the band teacher was under a significant amount of pressure to make a good impression, lest he risk having the funding for the arts and music programs cut.

As he tried to get the band to play a particularly difficult section of the composition, he became distracted by one of the clarinet players loudly talking with their friends.

Several times he reprimanded the clarinet player for talking, but each time the band continued to play, the student resumed talking.

Finally, the band teacher snapped and threw his baton at the clarinetist in anger, skewering the boy right through his heart.

The teacher was arrested, a trial commenced, he was found guilty of murder and subsequently sentenced to death by the electric chair.

Eventually the day came for the sentence to be carried out, and the teacher was given his final meal, walked to the chair, read his last rites, and the warden, with the heavy burden of duty, flipped the switch sending 2,500 volts of electricity through the teacher.

After he threw the switch again, cutting off the circuit of electricity, he became astonished to see the teacher sitting calmly in the chair, and other than a slight bit of smoke and singed hair, he appeared to be perfectly fine. So again he threw the switch to electrocute the teacher, and once more the teacher sat there no worse for wear. A third time the warden tried, and a third time the teacher remained perfectly unharmed.

So the warden, in accordance with state law, releases the teacher from incarceration, having failed three times to execute him.

As the teacher walked out of the prison gates, he was greeted by a throng of reporters eager to get the story. As he approached the reporters, a young journalist from the Times approached him with a microphone in hand.

Reporter: “They say you were electrocuted three times, how did you manage to survive?”

Band teacher: “I guess I’m just a bad conductor.”

Wednesday, March 15, 2023

Talk Test - or how to test your workout while annoying the locals

My own theory of competition in sports is simple.

I don't.

I'm not competing against you.
I'm not competing against the Team.
I'm not competing against the person down the block.

I am, however competing against my yesterday.

Someone once said that the power of compound interest will make you better, all you need to do is keep at it.

In other words, you did it yesterday.  Just do it again but apply yourself.

Sure, that's simplistic but so is much of life.

Don't get me wrong, I have a dream.  Of Duluth, Minnesota.  I would LOVE to go to the North Shore Marathon and skate that.  But time, funds, and logistics mean that it probably won't ever happen even if I am at 600 miles on the bike this year and nearing a lifetime career 24,000 miles on skates.

On the other hand, you need to be able to measure all this "stuff" right?

You can look at your watch, skate for a longer time.
You can measure your distance, run further.
You can look at your speed, bike faster.

All that is normally done once you have your feet up and have looked at all the gear that is needed while you are doing your thing, but you have to actually finish what you are doing.

How can you tell in a very basic and concrete way that you are not "killing yourself" while you are out there doing your favorite pastime?

Sure this doesn't work in a swimming pool so you swimmers may have to wait for the end of a "lap", but here we go...

It's called "The Talk Test", and it is much simpler than you expect.

The rule is basic.  You're going at your favorite exercise.  Full speed.  You're feeling good, spry, and worked.  How do you know that you are overdoing it?

Say a sentence.  Talk to someone, even yourself.  If your voice seems highly labored, you've gone too far and need to dial it down, take it back a notch.  Too relaxed?  Speed up.

On the other hand, this is so basic that you forget you are doing it.

When I skate or bike, I have on a sport watch.  It is constantly checking my heart rate.  I have a rate I like to hit, the average should be above 150, and the higher the better.  I have averaged over 160 and for my age bracket, that is probably higher than it should be for an endurance workout.

But like my doctor said "I'm not worried about you".

There are wrinkles to this one and I have a habit of annoying anyone around me or at least alerting them to my presence.

Not really a bad thing.

The last time I was out on the bike, I was enjoying myself.  I was carving a groove in the bike lanes, even though my normal route was interrupted by a police action and I had to cycle through the neighborhood. 

Minor setback for me.  I was saying, "Out Loud", to anyone who might have heard that I felt bad for the "kids in the high school" that had their learning interrupted by what was going on more than my having to "bike through this hood" to get my cardio burn on.

I passed a few people on that lap and when I came back I did not realize that one specific woman was there when I said "Around-and-around-and-around".

She responded "And you eventually get some serious distance done!".

I laughed at the goodhearted comment and realized that as a big guy with a big voice, I should watch the big words in case I interrupt someone else's routing.

So while you are out there, "Under Power" consider just repeating a sentence.  It could be as simple as "I'm enjoying this workout!".  Listen to how you say it.  It should be clear and crisp.

Oh and if that sounds to soft and forced-upbeat, remember "Mind Over Matter" works too.  Your mind in a positive state will help you do more and make you feel better than saying "I hate this workout".

Trust me, I used to be extremely asthmatic, and the first actual run I ever did was less than the perimeter of my mom's house.

Now, I'm most certainly, not.

Sunday, March 12, 2023

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

It's time change Sunday in my house.  I'm busily resetting clocks and wondering why every room here has two or more of the things.  How about you?


Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight.

He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

Paw raises up, “Git my gun, Maw.” She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG!

The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. “I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!”

Saturday, March 11, 2023

Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head

I am feeling generous, and my file with all the jokes and stories is getting full so here are five little short gems for you to gnaw on!

What is the correct word: to exorcise or to exercise your dog?

The correct choice is to exorcise, as in to get the devils out. You do that by walking the dog.

If you do not believe me try keeping your German Shepherd inside with two short pee breaks a day and see what happens

Walked by the YMCA yesterday

A teenage boy was sat there stroking a duck. I said "young man, there's no need to feel down..."

Although my wife is still young, I think she's showing early signs old dementia.

For example, twice this week she told me she doesn't remember what she saw in me.

I was gifted a resistor by an old monk

So far, I haven't been able to use it in any circuits due to it's abnormally high resistance. Too mamy ohms.

Thought For The Day....

Are old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs simply retired mermaids?

Wednesday, March 8, 2023

Two Ingredient Cupcakes are 89 Calories until I add this Five Ingredient Chocolate Icing, 223 Calories total

Yeah, literally 89 calories. 

Ok there are a lot of caveats to this. 

First of all there's a hack involved.  A Box of Cake Mix, that clocks in at 1600 calories total.  The box says 1/10th of it is 160 calories, but if you are making cupcakes like I did, it means that you are getting 18 of them.  Math puts that at a hair below 89 calories.

Now really you do want icing on that but that hack?

Diet Soda.

A Box of Cake Mix plus a can of Diet Soda gives you 18 "Right Sized" Cupcakes.

I was dubious, but it really tasted pretty good.  Yellow Cake mix, right off the shelf, and a can of Diet Ginger Ale.  When it baked, it didn't taste weird, or even taste like Ginger Ale.  They tasted like a Yellow Cake.  Different sodas and different cake mixes will taste different - Go Wild!  Be Creative!

But Bill, I hear you ask, what about the Icing?

I found a Five Ingredient "Simple Chocolate Icing" all over the place.  Now it's here.  I am using the icing at a "regular" rate.  Not a huge amount on top, I'll leave that to you.  I will do the math for 1/18th of the ingredients below once I piece it together.

Add Icing, 134 Calories.  Yes, do add the icing, it's a really good recipe, trust me.

Total is 223 calories, give or take.


  • Box Cake Mix.  I used "Duncan Hines" Yellow Cake Mix.
  • 1 Can Soda.  12 Ounces.  Pick your favorite flavor.  Diet, if you use regular it will increase the calorie count by 10 calories per cupcake.  Your choice.

  1. Mix the two together in a right-sized mixing bowl.
  2. Stir them together until smooth.
  3. Bake at 350F/180C for 18 minutes, give or take.
  4. Test the cakes with a toothpick so that it comes out clean.
  5. Allow to cool.

Chocolate Icing (YAY!)


  • 3 cups confectioners' sugar
  • ⅔ cup cocoa powder
  • ½ cup butter, softened
  • 7 tablespoons milk
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract


  1. Combine confectioners' sugar, cocoa powder, butter, milk, and vanilla in a large bowl.
  2. Mix using an electric mixer until blended and creamy.

Sunday, March 5, 2023

Singing in the shower is great! until you get soap in your mouth then it's a soap opera!

So this would be a perfect story for a sunny warm Sunday morning, or so I thought when I found it in my files!


One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him...

Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him...

Then God said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What's a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was...

God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"

God explained what a cave was...

Then God said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him too...

God continued, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "Well, gosh, how do I do that?"

God muttered away to himself, rather annoyed. Then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well...
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, after about thirty minutes, Adam was back...

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
Adam then asked... "What's a headache?"