Saturday, May 18, 2024

What did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless.

I hear we have a heat warning up for today.  Some made up nonsense called "Real Feel" has us all concerned and wondering if The Rainy Season will cool us down here in South Florida.  It's a Sunny Place with Shady People. 

So how about a triple-play while I'm at it?


 

A psychiatrist is testing his patients.

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.

He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.

He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"
The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"

The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"




There was this young Norwegian man who always loved to go for hikes. Everyday he'd walk along the hillside, look down at the inlet below no matter rain, sleet or snow.

Some years later he got a nice dog and he'd go for long walks high in the clouds just to smell the salty air and toss the ball with the his pup.

As he aged the people in the town warned him about going for hikes so often and in bad weather.

Until one day it finally happened...he slipped in the rain and fell off a cliffs edge into the water below.

You know what they say: you live by the fjord, you die by the fjord.




A rookie cop is at an intersection.

While he’s at the red light, he sees a street sign that reads: “WATCH FOR PEDESTRIANS”

A few seconds later he notices a lady walking across the street along the zebra crossing.
He honks his horn to stop her, rolls down his window and asks: “Ma’am, are you a pedestrian?”

The woman, confused at the purpose of the cop’s question, replies “yes, officer.”
The cop proceeds to take out his pen and notepad and promptly asks “So, which part of Pedestria are you from?”

Wednesday, May 15, 2024

Two Coffee Grinders, No Waiting

I have told people I am the reincarnation of a pioneer farmer's wife.

Strictly from the standpoint of comedy and illustrating how much I "Bake From Scratch", of course.

I was standing in the kitchen.  Looking out the window grinding coffee.  Coffee that was two kinds, Decaf plus Regular.  Both of which I roasted from green beans myself within the last four weeks. 

The roaster is this strange "Mid Century Modern" affair that was remanufactured for resale, and someone was absolutely kind when he gave it to me.  I have had it for about 10 years and only just realized how to use the blasted thing. 

It's Mid Century Modern because it was made prior to 1980, probably in the Post War Era.  The motor inside of it was an industrial motor that is used in garbage disposals, dishwashers, and washing machines as well as many other applications and it is overpowered for the task.  That illustrates the "It will outlast you" comment that came to mind as I watched the Half Caff spin around loudly.

It also came without instructions so it took time for us to stumble across the model number (Image Search on line is a help) and the actual documentation online (old holdover websites with the PDF is a help). 

Remember the most logical way to do something is "not to help" it do its job.  In this case, the little trap door is precisely weighted to redirect the grounds that are shot out from the grinder into the catchment jar. 

Yes, it is that violent.

And loud too.

So I grind my coffee while waiting for the water to boil.

When we remodeled the kitchen I looked at the counter space and said "It's an aircraft carrier, you could land a jet on it".  Being that "Farmer's Wife", I have managed to fill it to the point where now you can't fit enough of the different food projects that you want to do in a day on the counter and have room for the Beef, Rice, Carrots, and Beans to thaw for tomorrow's Dog Food From Scratch cooking foray.

Why bother with all these steps?  If your coffee comes ground from the market, it's dead.  If it comes roasted longer than 4 weeks ago, it's dead.  You lose most of the flavor.

If you are reading this with a cup full of something made from "Crystals", do go hang your head in shame.

Likewise with "K Cups". 

All that coffee adjacent beverage that you are drinking is most likely oxidized beyond recognition, and you may as well just be drinking water from the neighboring creek.

All this flashed through my mind in the period it took for the kettle to come to 200F/90C and for my dog to decide it's time to come back inside.

Yes, Rack, I'll let you in.

As for the Farm?  I am planning on propagating four species of plants in containers to go into the ground.  In Two Years. 

Farmers always save seeds for later, and well I just took things a little past that Farmville game that everyone annoyed the rest of us with online.  Never played it, I prefer to harvest the mangoes and make jelly from my own trees.

Meanwhile if you are nearby, in my town, or adjacent, and have too many mangoes, do let me know.  It's 8 cups of Mangoes to a batch of jelly, and that recipe I have here is bullet proof, but it takes a lot of fruit.  It also works with Peaches or so I have been told by someone up in the Peach Groves.

Sunday, May 12, 2024

Since my girlfriend started working at the grease factory it's been really hard trying to get hold of her.

Here are four quickies for you.  I'm feeling generous, I can't really see the Northern Lights from South Florida, and I need to get to the park for a workout. 

Actually the skies look uncharacteristically "slightly translucent" at 5:30 in the morning to the North from here in Wilton Manors, FL.  But that is about it.

Let me tell you, tanked up with full-caffeine coffee, I'm racing! :)





 An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up.
Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is.
The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.”
The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves.
Once at the moon, we walks inside and sits down.
The bartender asks him what he would like. “Just a beer. Also, why is this place called The Keyboard?”
The bartender says “because it’s a space bar!”





A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a little surprised at the drop, but he thinks maybe the first-day enthusiasm just wore off.

At the end of the third day, the painter reports that he did 400 yards. The boss says "That's quite a difference from the first day."

The painter says "Yeah, well it's a lot longer walk back to the paint can now."





I yelled “COW!” at a woman riding a bike
She turned around, gave me the finger, and plowed right into the cow.
You can’t say I didn’t try.



A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"



Broken engagement

Friends were surprised when Bob and Denise broke off their engagement, but Bob had a ready explanation:

“Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, lied at every turn, and was selfish, lazy, and sarcastic?”

“Absolutely not,” remarked his friend.

“Well, neither would Denise.”

Saturday, May 11, 2024

What’s the fastest way to kill a circus troupe? Go for the juggler.

 Ok, this should be fun.  I am up to date with the topics.  Who knows when I will start repeating things.

But for now, here's a little gem for the day.





A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

Wednesday, May 8, 2024

Stop feeding the Coyotes, That is what the Ducks become after all

No, I am not a Disney Prince.  I can play one at the end of a marathon, though.

Seems that way some days though, and really, I do not expect to stop this.  It's a time honored tradition. 

Certain older Demographics do this all the time, although I will say that it happens with all ages.

You see people going to The Park, any park, pick an appropriate one.  If there are "Cute Woodland Creatures" there, you will find people feeding them. 

Charismatic Preserve Dwelling Denizens will approach you for a wee morsel. 

Ok, it's adorable.  I'll admit it.  There are squirrels, ducks, and doves all competing for a nibble. 

Aww so cute!  I haven't had my toes nibbled by one, yet, but I am sure that is coming.

Of course since there are coyotes in these woods, and they are the typical Apex Predator along with the common house cat, that is what you are feeding.  Actually, it is widely known that there are coyotes in even Central Park in New York City, and foxes and coyotes are spotted here in South Florida along with many other strange creatures that people are surprised to hear about.

Other than cats, coyotes, and stray dogs,

Iguana
Boa Constrictors
Ball Python
Multiple species of Feral Ducks
Multiple species of Feral Parrots
Fox

That's just the beginning of the list.

So your bread, which is bad for ducks to begin with, goes to feed the Coyotes.

As long as they don't climb into the car I guess.  I have enough trouble keeping my 22 year old Jeep running these days without turning it into a nest!

Sunday, May 5, 2024

If someone ever asks you to tell them a joke, say to them, “I have a vegetable joke, but it’s kinda corny.”

 It has been a rather nice day here in Sunny South Florida.  No rain, yet, but I can tell we're inching towards the wet season.  The grass is turning to straw and the ducks are on dry land.




Recently, I was flying into Barcelona from London, and as we were descending to land we passed through some very dark clouds. The plane began to be buffeted by turbulence like I’ve never experienced before in my life.

Suddenly, a blinding light exploded outside and an explosion of noise enveloped us. Lighting had struck the plane!

The cabin erupted in screams and cries as the plane dropped hundreds of feet in a single moment, but the worse was yet to come. The strike seemed to have impacted the plane’s environmental controls and we were all suddenly sprayed with water from above. It was if the humidifying system had become short circuited and began streaming everyone with a wet mist.

Amongst all the yelling and sputtering wet cries the plane struggled to gain control. After what seemed an eternity of terror the plane suddenly dipped into daylight, and regained a controlled descent.

We sat there dumbstruck and drenched a few drops of water dripping on our heads.

A musical tone gonged and we were met with the calm and polished accent of the British Airways pilot that advised, “Hello, this is Captain Higgins speaking. I apologise for the turbulence and rather unexpected weather conditions, but as one knows, the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.”

Saturday, May 4, 2024

"My name is Nuff", Nuff said.

I tried.  Truly.  Tried to learn a musical instrument.   Not even the "Recorder" although if I pick one up these days I suspect I could play the "Brown Note" pretty well.




A high school band teacher was trying to teach a new orchestral piece for their upcoming concert. Knowing that the head of the school board was going to be in attendance, the band teacher was under a significant amount of pressure to make a good impression, lest he risk having the funding for the arts and music programs cut.

As he tried to get the band to play a particularly difficult section of the composition, he became distracted by one of the clarinet players loudly talking with their friends.

Several times he reprimanded the clarinet player for talking, but each time the band continued to play, the student resumed talking.

Finally, the band teacher snapped and threw his baton at the clarinetist in anger, skewering the boy right through his heart.

The teacher was arrested, a trial commenced, he was found guilty of murder and subsequently sentenced to death by the electric chair.

Eventually the day came for the sentence to be carried out, and the teacher was given his final meal, walked to the chair, read his last rites, and the warden, with the heavy burden of duty, flipped the switch sending 2,500 volts of electricity through the teacher.

After he threw the switch again, cutting off the circuit of electricity, he became astonished to see the teacher sitting calmly in the chair, and other than a slight bit of smoke and singed hair, he appeared to be perfectly fine. So again he threw the switch to electrocute the teacher, and once more the teacher sat there no worse for wear. A third time the warden tried, and a third time the teacher remained perfectly unharmed.

So the warden, in accordance with state law, releases the teacher from incarceration, having failed three times to execute him.

As the teacher walked out of the prison gates, he was greeted by a throng of reporters eager to get the story. As he approached the reporters, a young journalist from the Times approached him with a microphone in hand.

Reporter: “They say you were electrocuted three times, how did you manage to survive?”

Band teacher: “I guess I’m just a bad conductor.”

Wednesday, May 1, 2024

The Bells Prove A Dog Can Learn A New Trick, Even If They Teach Themselves.


 I'll admit it, I'm procrastinating.

It's been wet.  I guess the rainy season has made an uneven appearance here in Sometimes Sunny South Florida.  Looking out the front window though, there is not a cloud in the sky.  Right now at any point. 

Every "real" workout I do, I do outside.  Long walks, Bike, Skate.  Even Gardening.  I have to have an ability to look at what the weather is doing within feet/meters of where I am and where I will be.

Good time to sit down and listen to the clocks tick and watch the windsocks flick in the breezes, there's a light green blob leftover from the thunderstorms from last night just off shore and it is moving North towards the Pompano Airpark.

It's not just the clocks.  I am hearing ringing.  Bells.  Not just my normal "Pulsar Tinnitus" from whatever hearing damage I have. 

No, the bells are on the back door.  I put them there shortly after we moved into this house to let us know if someone opened it.  I was told they are Indian Wedding Bells and they make a joyful noise whenever the door is slid open.

In this case someone has taught himself that ringing bells brings someone to the door and gets their attention.

Yes, Rack, I'll let you out.

See, you really can teach an old dog new tricks.  Or rather, he taught himself this one.

He has taught himself a lot of "Useful Behaviors" over the years.  The Leg Game where he weaves himself between your legs and has a happy time of it.  The Foot Behavior where he raises his Left Foot Only so that he can put it through his harness before a walk.  Where the harness is so that we can take him out. 

That sort of thing.  I don't think I have ever tried to teach him that Bell Means Door, but I'm not sure that it matters all that much, it is a "Useful Behavior" and I am happy about it.  It means that at 12 years old he is still thinking.

At this point though, after having had him outside, having done some gardening, having inspected the pots and noticing that there are some hibiscus cuttings starting up, it's time to start to motivate.

Red Hibiscus?  It is South Florida, there should be flowers in a state named after flowers and these are "Iguana Resistant".  I get about a 50% survival rate on these cuttings.

Need some Hibiscus?  Nearby and willing to wait and pick them up?  We'll talk.

Sunday, April 28, 2024

My doctor just diagnosed me with Carousel Flu. It’s going around.

Adam


One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him...

Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him...

Then God said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What's a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was...

God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"

God explained what a cave was...

Then God said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him too...

God continued, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "Well, gosh, how do I do that?"

God muttered away to himself, rather annoyed. Then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well...
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, after about thirty minutes, Adam was back...

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
Adam then asked... "What's a headache?"

Saturday, April 27, 2024

The punchline comes first. How do you know that a comedian is a time traveler?

In high school, I had a French Teacher, Sr. Stanislaus.  I am not sure that she's still around, and if so, she's over 100.  Lovely woman who helped me through a rough patch in my life, also known as My Teen Years.  

Somehow when I read this gem, I thought of you, Sr. Stan!




A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, would you like a Drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”