When the Support Team is gone for a month, it is time for an enforced pause in the workouts.

I have had a good run this year.

No injuries, some skating, a lot of cycling.  One long break in July and right back to the workouts.  I'm on the way to 2500 miles on the bike this year.  I doubt 3000 miles is possible at my pace.

August.  Made it through the whole month.  August in South Florida can be punishingly hot.  The peak of that was stop at the car and dump a 20 ounce bottle of water all over myself and use the skin suit as an air conditioner.

Think of it as a big yellow swamp cooler.  Yeah, that's what I will call it, my spandex swamp cooler.

What this nonsense is all about is that my "Support Team" is on the way to London.  Right now, my feet are on the coffee table (don't tell 'Mom'), and the Team is in the Miami Airport waiting on an overnight flight.

I seem to get about a five or six month run between breaks so I am right on time now.  The next three weeks, I have to figure out what to do with myself so that I don't go nuts.  

Also, the normal pattern is well and truly shattered.

I tell people that I am an athlete.  Trainer level.  Dual Sport Athlete, Elite Inline Skater, Intermediate Cyclist.  I'll pause that since I don't want to give myself a bruise patting myself on the back.

What this blather all means is that I have to play hard with the rules of nutrition.  I am a fan of the theory of "Macronutrients".  Of course everyone has their own fine definitions of what that means, but in a nutshell, I have a tuned diet.

40% of calories from Protein.
30% each from Carb and Fat.

1 gram of Protein per KG of ideal body weight.  81 g protein.

Except that these next three weeks, I have to reduce the intake.  I'm doing a soft landing so I am reducing the food intake.

The truth be told, I have been doing this literally for decades.  When I was competitive inline skater "back in the day" in Philadelphia, I would get to October and begin to cut back of calories.  Going from the usual 700 calories per meal plus 200 for snacks, I would cut that back to about 550x3 and lose a snack.  Philadelphia winters were way too cold to inline skate even if I was stubborn.

One "last workout" I was on the Fairmount Park trail and hit an ice patch.  Nearly ended up in the Schuylkill River with an air temp of 25F.  On inline skates.  That would make it difficult to swim to shore, trust me.

The next year I spent the winter in the gym and it worked out well.

This year on The Break, I'm going to do long walks.  Today is only going to be about 12000 steps.  Tomorrow, I am dusting off the Bowflex and see if I can get an upper body workout going.  Weightlifting is always a good idea whether it is a substitute to a normal training regimen, or if it is actually your training regimen.

We will see.  I partially disassembled the thing when the house was being remodeled and I lost the assembly instructions.  I am good at fixing things even without documentation, but with all the injuries I have had over the last couple years, I have been hesitant to begin weightlifting.

Yeah, I know.  Weight bearing exercises build bone mass.  With the 18 or so screws I have holding my two clavicles and the titanium in my shoulder, I have a right to be hesitant.

So remember, fellow babies, if you are going to make a drastic change in your level of exercise, reduce your food intake.  You will hate it, but if it is a temporary pause, your body will thank you.

Besides, my legs were getting a bit large lately.  The three time weekly marathons on the bike built the quads and calf muscles up, and my muscle weight has been growing.  

The spandex compression shorts aren't compressing as much so I think it's been a good thing.

Stay tuned.  Until then, I have a lot of podcasts and comedy programming to get through.

If you are an Outdoor Sports kind of person, you know what I am getting at.  February in the Northern Hemisphere is not your friend.

But a pause is sometimes necessary whether for overtraining or for waiting for the support team.

What do you call a Wolf that has things figured out? Aware Wolf!

 The problem with having a file stuffed with one liners for topics?  You actually have to use them when they are timely or they just look stupid.

Go Fig!  A Stupid Dad Joke?  Naw!








Fact.

Star Wars was the first film to ban smoking on set.

The cast was still allowed to Chewbacca.




I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. 
There’s something fishy about that place.



I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s. 

I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…



This joke will pass.
Nah, it will give you gas for hours.
It may if you take it in minute portions!



Q: How long does it take to build a new data center?
A: Approximately one closed-door city council vote.
(From: The Onion)




Cleaning out my garage and realized someone must've stolen my limbo sticks.
Seriously.
How low can you go?



Today I got pulled over by a police officer. He said to me 'It seems like you've been drinking. Can you say the alphabet starting with M?'
I said, 'Malphabet.'

What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

Perfect day for that thing sitting on your porch to get squashed?  Maybeeeee!




How do you make a boat feel better????
Give it some vitamin sea!





I feel really sorry for pregnant elephants. 

A really long gestation period, but nobody ever talks about the elephant in the womb.



Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.





I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".





My First Night in Prison.

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said: You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......

I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......

You touch me and I will kill you........

I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am already married.

A Class in Nutrition and Exercise at the Vet's Office.

It is October.  You are talking about having a beach body.  Great.  That's a start.  The best time to start on a beach body is "before now".  The second best time is now.

Where did all that come from?  The Vet's Office, specifically, but really years ago for me.

Today I had to do something I don't like to do.  I went to the Vet's.  It isn't really the Vet's office that I dislike.  It is how I went there.

It was a beautiful day.  Even the car was feeling spry.  My 23 year old Jeep was quick on the road getting to the park.  Temps were moderate if not cool for South Florida.  The rains had washed everything and the winds were very light.  

I piled everything into the car that I needed for a workout and got myself prepared.  Carbo load, music on the phone, extra water because I knew I had a visit afterwords.  Even a brownie for my snack.

Dressed in my one size too small cycle jersey and my now one size too large compression shorts, I was ready.  The end result was that I now have a "Skin Suit" or so I tell people.  If the jersey was larger, I would be better off, but ordering clothes from TEMU can be a crap shoot.  It's tight but I'll get over it, I'll own that because returns are a bear.

My normal workout on the bike is 6 laps around the big gas bag in Pompano Beach.  I check distance on the GPS on the sport watch when I finish and if it is just under a mile marker, I ride enough to get the round number.  In this case, today was 27.09 miles.

Now, that distance is good but not great.   I know people on bikes who regularly ride 50 miles in a workout.  I don't think I can do that in one go.  

On inline skates, I can do that same 27 miles.  I am an elite inline skater, but intermediate on a bike.

I finished, put the bike on the car rack, tossed a few peanuts at the squirrels.  Before I went into the place I poured water on my head so I didn't look quite so Ick, and then brushed the hair.  I mean, come on, you don't want to offend, right?

Remembering that the desk staff is "Women of a Certain Age" and that I am a "Man of a Certain Age" I took a deep breath before I went in.  I have a feeling I made an impression.

It was a rapid fire barrage of questions but basically I said things like it's really just one foot in front of another and in order to bike 27 miles in a morning, you actually have to do the first mile...first.

After assuring them that they most certainly could but it would take training, and that 27 miles on a bike is significant but not unattainable, for the third time, I backed off.

I have the time to do this sort of thing and I count myself very fortunate for that.  Not everyone has that time.  I truly do not want to be that person who has the time and sits on the couch eating junk.  I did explain that the workouts are a "Get out of jail free" card for the diet, but that is tempered with being extremely aware of nutrition and "Macro Nutrients".  

I count every single calorie and know when I can have what and how much of it at any given time.  A slab of chocolate cake is not a big deal, I just budget the calories along with everything else.

If I had a slightly smaller snack or did so less frequently, my body fat percentage would be lower than my current 17% but as I explained to the ladies, it is my reward for a job well done.

Basically if you take a systemic approach, garbage in, garbage out, you can refine what you are able to do.  Otherwise, you are right, you can't ride 27 miles, or skate 20, or walk 5 miles.

Start out slow, divide and conquer, work within your own capacity but push a little bit more every day.

Fitness is a very good illustration of Compound Interest.  You do a little bit more than last time and eventually you are doing a lot more than when you started.

That Compound Interest thing was how I got started.  I was never allowed to be this active as a child or a teen.  When I moved away from home, I immediately changed that.  Never stopped.  So now, in my "Certain Age" I am working out at the level of a varsity athlete.  

You can too.  Start out slow.  Do those steps, then tomorrow do another few more.  

Your body is an amazing machine, you will be surprised with what you can achieve.  

Yes!  Yours.  Seriously!

Trust me, when I started, I could not climb a flight of steps without wheezing from asthma.  Now, maybe 50 miles in a workout is more than I need, but 27 miles on a bike in 2 hours with a break is just right.

It really is all about finding something you can do that will allow you to take things further.

In other words, Personal Choice.  Good luck on your search.  

Oh, and if you are on a bike or skates at The Park, don't be too surprised if I draft you and give chase. It's how we all say let's play!

Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they are full of Anty-bodies!

 When I got started putting jokes up on the weekend it was because I was trying to fill space.  It is devilishly hard to do new content every single day and at the time I was finding my schedule was loosening up to be able to do other things than sit in front of a keyboard.

On the other hand, I have been quoted my own little jokes by readers, so I suppose I shouldn't be quite so sheepish.  

In that matter, here you go!




 Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!"

Why isn’t energy made of atoms? It doesn’t matter ..

 I think this particular thing may have happened here with all the ducks around.



 So this guy walks into a bar, looking like he just wrestled with a dumpster raccoon. He says to the bartender: “Listen, I know this sounds crazy… but if I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen in your life, will you give me free drinks tonight?”

The bartender shrugs. “Sure, why not.”

The guy pulls a tiny piano out of his coat pocket. Sets it on the bar. Then he pulls a tiny man out of his other pocket—about a foot tall—and this little guy just rips into the piano like Stevie Wonder on Red Bull.

The bartender’s jaw hits the floor. He pours the man a drink, then another, then another… soon both man and miniature musician are hammered.

Finally the bartender can’t take it anymore. He leans in and says, “Okay… I gotta ask. Where the hell did you get him?”

The guy slurs: “You’re not gonna believe me… but there’s a genie’s lamp in your dumpster out back. Rub it, you get one wish.”

Later that night, bartender’s taking the trash out. Sure enough, there’s a lamp sitting in the dumpster. He rubs it, poof! Genie pops out.

“Congratulations! One wish—anything you want.”

Without hesitation: “I wish I had a billion bucks!”

The genie snaps his fingers, disappears—then suddenly a duck falls out of the sky. Then another. Then another. Before long the whole alley is filled with quacking, flapping ducks.

Freaked out, the bartender runs back inside, grabs the guy by the collar and yells: “I didn’t ask for a billion ducks, I asked for a billion bucks!”

The guy just sighs, points at the piano, and says: “Yeah, you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?”

Brown Anole on a Fence

 These little anoles are just about everywhere here in South Florida.

Shortly after I moved here, one jumped on my foot, then ran up into my shorts.  Luckily my backyard, where it happened, was secluded enough that I could extract it and not offend anyone.

Not even the little anole who skittered off into the bougainvillea.

I was surprised to find out that they are also invasive and not from here.  Since they tend to be unobtrusive and not really harmful, I have a live and let live attitude with them.

In the case of this little one, it seemed to really want its picture taken.  Basking on a fence post it had been living there all summer.  There is a lot of traffic on that particular spot so I suspect it has gotten used to the fuss of being on display.

In general, they do good by keeping the insect population down.  In fact I am sitting in my living room watching one eat a bug on the fence outside of my window right now.

When I described their antics to a friend Up North, she did not like that they were so common.  Not to worry, they don't bite.  In fact if they have teeth they aren't terribly sharp.

I have read stories of people keeping these in their apartments in big cities to keep the unwanted pest population down.

I will say that while I am gentle towards this type of animal and have a plastic cup I use to catch and release them outside, I neither have the insect population inside the house to keep them alive, nor the desire to find one in my rooms at strange hours.

Mind you, the black racer snake that got into the house caused a bit more fuss than the periodic visits of these anoles but that is a very different story indeed.

The snake seemed to take the hint and went back out of the back door when I opened it and went back to it's own life, whatever that might be.

I have an aviation joke, but it will probably go over your head.

I am just about ready to fight the winds and go do a couple laps around the big gas bag for fun.  I will say that this guy is lucky he has such an understanding partner!

 


 Bill wakes up with a monster hangover.

He cracks open one eye and sees a glass of water and two aspirins on the bedside table.

His clothes? Clean and pressed.

The house? Spotless.

He heads to the kitchen - hot breakfast is waiting, newspaper laid out, and a note: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I went shopping. Love you".

Even more confused, Bill turns to his son and asks, “What happened last night?”

The son replies, “You came home after 3 A.M.- drunk, broke a chair, threw up in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye walking into the door.”

Bill blinks. “Then… why is everything perfect?”

His son shrugs and says, “Oh, that’s easy. When Mom tried to take your pants off, you shouted, ‘Lady, leave me alone - I’m married!’”

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ok, so you don't have to "Know Computers" for this one, but it does fit my own skewed mindset.

I have been using Linux since "The Mid 90s".  It was a curiosity, then, but I found it quite useful.  Later, I had the good fortune to be given an "Off Lease" laptop, so I installed Red Hat Linux on the machine and made it my own.  

When I found that the bad "Mains" power here in South Florida murdered my desktop machines, I was able to recover the data but had nothing to install Windows on so I used Linux full time.

Now, a good 10 to 15 years after that, I have a solid "contempt" for corporate computing.  I will say that the original install of Linux I did on a Pentium 3 laptop was working as I left it when I retired the machine without a software problem, due to bad batteries and a frayed power supply.  Great little machine though.

Reading the tech sites I understand that Windows 10 has reached "End of Life" - they killed it.  There has been a spike in downloads of Linux for these machines, and while there is a learning curve, trust me, you can make it work for you.



 
 Microsoft CEO, Satya Nadella, walks into a coffee shop and sees a young man feverishly working on his laptop. He walks over to the him and asks, "Whatchya workin' on, young man?"

The young man looks up and says, "Welp, I'm making a custom Windows 11 operating system."

Satya replies, "Oh? And how do you do that?"

The young man replies, "I take the Windows kernel, add my custom GUI, add some bloatware and then a ton of spyware!"

Satya gets angry and has him kicked out of the shop.

The following week, Satya Nadella strolls into another coffee shop and sees the same young man feverishly working on his laptop again. Again he walks over to the young man and asks in a stern voice, "Still working on your custom Windows 11?"

The young man looks up and proudly says, "Nope, today I'm making a custom Ubuntu Linux operating system! I call it Ubuntu Loaded."

Satya asks, "Oh? And how do you do that?"

The young man replies, "Welp, I take the Linux kernel, add my custom GUI, and finally I add the usual bloatware and then some more bloatware on top of that."

Satya replies, "I see. But no spyware?"

The young man looks up and replies, "Naw, that would just make it Windows 11."

Rack, I have already paid the Cheese Tax, this snack is not for dogs!

I am extremely active.  My doctor thinks I'm either crazy or a Child of Zeus.

7 hours of cardio in 3 days.  5 miles of walks on the other 4 days.

So as I say, it takes a lot of fuel to run that motor.  

I am up and down all day doing things in the house.  Every time I pass through the kitchen I tend to grab a nibble.  Nice excuse to keep a lot of food in the house at any given time.  I'm baking cookies and cupcakes all the time on off days.  I have kept brownies on hand simply because I can cook them in little cupcake papers and bring them to the park to snack on mid-workout.

While baking is on the agenda for today, there's a problem with all of that.  You see I share this house with a little furry shadow.  Rack, the McNab SuperDog has learned my pattern.

If I stand up, he is up.  Off to the back door to be let out.  Many, many times a day.  Sometimes it does not take standing up, merely shifting in the chair might do it.  

If I do go to deal with the wash or get something to drink, he is on my heels.  He is smart about it.  His hearing is not the best, after all, he is a 14 year old dog.  But if he senses that I am about to open a bag of chips or grab a "little something" I will hear paws on the tiles approaching.

There are two ways I have to grab a few chips though.  Chips aren't the best for man or beast, but either way, if he is outside sniffing a hibiscus flower, I can grab some on my own.  Also I am doing laundry frequently so I can even go into the laundry with the bag and dine at my own leisure.

All that baking takes time as well.  I'm in the kitchen for hours since I am a rare person - I have churned butter and I know how to use that food processor for nefarious purposes like making bread.  After a while, Rack will sit focused on me in the dining room, staring in on my progress and hoping for a morsel.

Since he isn't a "Counter Surfer", I am lucky.  I broke that behavior very quickly after he moved in with us by putting metal bowls on the counters balanced precariously on the edge.  Metal bowl hitting the floor makes a rather loud noise falling from 3 feet.  I think Rack broke the sound barrier running from the resulting clatter.

Of course if we had a Labrador Retriever we would have problems keeping food on the counter.  But as they say about this breed - if you can't train a McNab, you can't train a dog.  Labs are a very different sort of dog anyway.  Very sweet but always hungry.

In Rack's case, since he frequently takes as much as an hour to eat a bowl of food in the morning, it is easy to say food is not his highest priority.  Lunch time is a different matter and that hour can get cut back to about 3 minutes.

But having a shadow is a reason to have a dog.  Rack is my shadow, I will just have to keep sneaking snacks next to the dryer.  It's better for me anyway, I shouldn't be eating all the snack food.  Too much fat, too many carbs, it will not help me hit my macro nutrients.

Ok, shadow is fair, but maybe he's my conscience.  Just stop begging for potato chips, they're not for dogs!