I made up a joke about pizza and a broken pencil. Unfortunately it's cheesy and pointless.

Sitting here in the early morning light listening to a discussion about Measles in Canada on CBC.  They're so polite, they should say just get the damn vaccine, you won't have Measles.



 A dead duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room. 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Was sorry to hear about a French cheese factory that burnt down. All that was left was de brie.

It's Saturday.  Last night we made Pizza Sauce from the recipe on this link.  I have the cheese thawed, and will be putting some air fried Mushrooms on top.  Oh and the Pepperoni.  I need Pepperoni.



Japanese food

An American businessman travels to Japan for work, but there’s just one problem—he hates Japanese food. Desperate for something familiar, he asks the hotel concierge if there’s anywhere nearby that serves American food.

The concierge smiles and says, “You’re in luck! A brand-new pizza place just opened, and they deliver.”

Relieved, the businessman gets the phone number, heads to his room, and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy arrives with his order. The businessman eagerly grabs the pizza, opens the box, and—out of nowhere—starts sneezing uncontrollably.

Eyes watering, he turns to the delivery guy and demands, “What the heck did you put on this pizza?!”

The delivery man bows deeply and replies,

“We put exactly what you ordered, sir… pepper only.”

Dog Food Recipe For Older Dogs With Lower Protein

In Florida, I understand the laws on who is a "Nutritionist" is "flexible".  If you say you are, you are.

For this purpose, I am.  At least as a blog writer.

I have been learning and honing my knowledge of proper "Sports Nutrition" since the Disco Era.  Seeing that I am listening to some Classic Disco right now, that timing becomes hazy.

Never mind that.  In this case, I am trying to keep my nearly 14 Year Old Dog, Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM) alive another year or three.  His coat is shiny, his energy is excellent, his eyesight is clear.  His hearing is somewhat hit or miss.  It's also clear that my own Sports Nutrition knowledge is helping.

He also is a Cancer Survivor and has typical old dog kidney issues.

We have been making his food, from scratch, since well before Covid.  We got him because there was a recall on some dog food that killed my prior dog, Lettie.  I feed him nothing from a can, nothing from a bag, and nothing I could not eat myself.

His prior recipe is here on the blog.  That recipe is excellent for adult and younger dogs.

What I am doing in this recipe is reducing the protein content while keeping the calorie count approximately equal.  In order to achieve this recipe, I have been using spreadsheets, nutrition labels, and the USDA food ingredient website information to calculate what I am doing to the recipe.

Original Recipe is 25% of calories from Protein.
Total Protein is about 20.2% with Macaroni, 18.9% with Rice Noodles.

Calories for the recipe is about 3300 calories total.
I get 11 servings, about 3 days of food from all of this. 

It's involved, and should you take this on, feel free to comment here or find me on FB Ramblingmoose or Blue Sky @ramblingmoose. 

The theory goes that 80% lean Burger Meat is about 5g of protein per ounce cooked.  Reducing that to 3.5g per ounce pre-cooked by substituting in "typical" Elbow Macaroni or to 2g of protein per ounce by using Rice Noodles will help.

The reason for this reduction is that he's older.  The Veterinarian recommended a low protein diet because, in an older dog, you have problems processing protein. What happens is that for Kidney Health, and Longevity, they recommend a reduced protein diet. 

Original recipe is here, and it has drifted slightly.  All ingredients are as low salt as possible, no added sugar.  He can't have chicken or other poultry due to a grain allergy. 

The low fat issue is due to pancreatitis that we've had come and go over the years - low fat helps him greatly.  Hence the boiled and strained beef.


Recipe:


16 ounces boiled and strained 81% lean beef.
3 ounces green peas.
5 ounces shredded carrots.
15 ounces Butternut Squash.
15 ounces Kidney Beans.
40 ounces white rice, boiled and cooked.
8 ounces Elbow Macaroni, boiled and cooked.

This makes, for him, 85 ounces of food once cooked.

Meaning, 1 serving is 7.5 ounces.  Give or take. 

The protein count from USDA.GOV is as follows:

Ground Beef:  17.5g for 100g.  1100g for recipe.
Frozen Green Peas:  4g for 85g.  (From package)
Shredded Carrots:  3.5 for 100g.
Butternut Squash: 3g for can (from can)
White rice: 77g for 1100g.
Kidney Beans: 7.8g for 100g, 33g (for can)

Elbow Macaroni is from the package: 7g for 2 ounces/56g
For Rice Noodles, 9g protein per 4 oz/113g.

My math is not perfect.  Your mileage will vary with ingredients and your skill.

Standard Internet Warranty Applies - You get what you pay for, and while I am placing this here, I am doing this to help.  If you have any doubts consult your Veterinarian or Nutritionist.  I'm not an expert I but I can play one on TV.

Paper towels are just napkins on the cob.

So did you set your clocks yet?  I remember Mom's Lincoln would just stay on either DST or Standard Time until I could get the book out and set it.  Crazy ugly way to set the clock on that darn thing.

As for this story?  The little lady seems quite nice, don't you think?


 On the beach

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
 

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
 

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
 

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?"
She asked. Yes, I live over in Cape Coral", he answered, and again he resumed reading. 

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name is Katz?

What works faster than a Calculator? A Calcu-now!

It's a two-fer today.  The second one is a retelling of the story from last Sunday, but the first is all about being faithful to your vows.  Ok, so since it is March, and we've all done the New Years Resolution and most of them are forgotten, this one will ring true.



 Airline flight.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airline flight.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?



...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---... ...---...

 A man goes to the pet store and there is, of course, the mysteriously cheap parrot.

When he asks about it, they tell him that it was in an abusive home and although the parrot is fine, it picked up terrible language and needs an understanding home.

The guy replies, "I live alone and I'm not offended by anything. I would love to help this bird out." So he buys the parrot and takes it home.

And true to the pet shops word, the parrot is friendly and happy to be in a nice home, but it talks constantly and everything it says is a put down or insult. The man can't even walk across the room without being told in a detail that he is a failure as a human being.

But he puts up with it, because obviously this parrot doesn't understand and he tries to teach it to be nicer. Nothing really works and the little bit of irritation at the constant insults grows and grows.

Finally, one day after the parrot wakes him up in the middle of the night screaming about he's a worthless disappointment, the man snaps. He runs over, grabs the bird by the neck, then turns and shoves it into the freezer just to shut it up. Inside the freezer, the parrot keeps screaming insults and banging on the door. Then, after a few minutes the parrot goes quiet.

Suddenly, the man realizes what he's done and is overcome with remorse. He rushes over to the freezer and yanks open the door.

The parrot walks out and says, "I would like to apologize, I now realize that my previous behavior may have offended you and that was never my intention. Going forward, I hope that we can have a much more civil relationship."

The parrot looks back at the freezer and asks, "can you tell me, just what did the chicken do?"

Workouts Can Have Limits Due To Conditions, Time To Respect Your Limits

My feet are up on the coffee table.

I have taken a pause, I'm expecting this one to be a short one.

See the thing is I have a rule.  Been working out in, lets call it broadly, motion sports for decades.

I am an endurance athlete.  I used to run 10 Km three times a week at Valley Forge National Park.  There's a hill there that is about 30 degree incline and I just charged up that.

Transitioned to Inline Skating, then to Cycling, which I am currently doing.  Before my most recent benching I was up to a marathon any time I got on.  4 times a week was not unheard of.

My inline skating was the same.  I did 24,500 miles total career.

All that humble bragging is that I know what my limits are.  Don't workout outdoors when you are pushing your body through three dimensions when the conditions aren't good.  A workout takes 3 to 3 plus hours.

So why am I bothered so much by it?  Don't know, but the bogey has been met.

I checked the local forecast for the park I workout at and the base winds were 20 mph, gusts at 26, rain is expected.  The winds the last two days have been intense enough to knock me off my balance into a fence once.  The last dog walk, I got hit by rain twice.  Icky Weather.  (TM)

Having been picked up and thrown by similar winds once before I am hesitant.

No seriously, I'm a 195 pound guy, not small.  I'm a big guy, a fit 6'4" and 195#.  193cm, 88kg.  I was literally launched by a gust into a Mangrove Swamp in Key West by a very similar condition.  Gusts will do nasty things to you and the dislocated finger I had still feels different than the one that wasn't.

Too many injuries over the years in sports mean you have hard limits.

I was looking at the clock and saying to myself that I could squeeze in a workout and saw those wind numbers.  Gusts off the ocean will blow right through two sides of the park.  What goes up must come down, and the trail is a big square.    Should be fun to "wind surf" going west, but you have to come back into that wind.  More importantly getting hit broad side by a gust means that you could be knocked over.

I have been knocked over far too many times.  Three titanium bars and at least 17 screws in my clavicles is enough.

I'll leave the trails until conditions improve.  I am not complaining.  After all the bike can use a tune up, and I know Rack likes that.  I will sit on the floor and he plops next to me as I wrench the contraption that has its own parking space in the dining room.

Two psychics meet in the street. One says to the other, "You're great, how am I?"

Having lived with Parrots for many years, I can say they are intelligent, playful, and have their own moods.

But this?




  Magician's Parrot

A magician on a cruise ship did his act with a talking parrot who was very intelligent.

While the magician did his act the parrot would constantly shout out and spoil the trick, like “It’s under his hat“, or "It’s down his arm”.

As the audience was laughing, the magician didn’t mind.

One night all the fire alarms went off and everyone was ordered to get in the lifeboats. The magician grabbed the parrot, covered it up and jumped into one of the last lifeboats.

It floated away from the ship and the next morning he uncovered the parrot who never said a word.

The boat floated around for days before finally the parrot spoke, “O.K. I give up what have you done with the ship?“.

What do you call a psychic on antidepressants? A happy medium

I have heard this one a number of times and it never ceases to make me smile.  Time for another good retelling.

 

Good Night Kiss to Girl Friend

One night a guy took his girlfriend home.
As they were about to bid each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"..
"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"...
"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.. .. TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL!

Guerilla Art or Putting Your Best Foot Forward? Did One Of You Kiddies Lose A Shoe?

This all happened, like everything does around here for me, on a dog walk.

Mind you, when you walk between 11,000 and 20,000 steps a day, you tend to see everything.  I have a bit of a reputation here in town as being That Guy Walking Around.

I'm also lately doing circuits or laps up and down the main drag, Wilton Drive, on a bike. 

2.4 miles each lap, 6 laps, 18.17 miles today.

It can get repetitive.  I keep my eyes open for entertainment and I do see it.

We were walking on a street near the house.  On the ground there was a shoe.  A wee little kid's slip on. 

There are not too many children here in town, so picking up the shoe was on order.  It ended up on the fence hoping that the original owner would find it.

I mean... what can you do with a shoe?

It sat there overnight. 

I did notice that the next morning, it had gotten knocked into the yard with the rather boisterous Labradoodles.  They're both young, under 3 years old.  The shoe was quite out of reach and I could not rescue it.  The shoe being on the wrong side of the fence and closed gate, there it would stay.

Except.  The next walk, I do four per day, it had made it from the grass to the fence post.  The owner of the property placed it on a fence post hoping the original owner would find it on their pass through and put it on their kid's foot.

Except.  Yes, there is a theme here.

It was on the side of the sidewalk.  A Bit Redundant, but it did not belong there.

My own walking partner, Kevin, has a bit of a joker in him.  He laughed and had a big smile on his face.

"Ok!  What's going on?" I asked.
"Just wait!" He responded.

There are quite a few art installations here in town.  Next to the Labradoodles is a property with two brass statues of kids playing.  The one near has a child laying under the palm tree reading, a second child over him climbing a ladder to nowhere.

Kevin put the shoe on the exposed foot.

Laughing.

I thought it was amusing.  "How did you ... never mind!"

We continued walking and laughing at the scene.

The next day we thought it was over and done but...

Except.  A note appeared.  The donor of the shoe was thanked and was asked where was the other shoe?

I had a great laugh at that.  I knew how it all got there.  Since the house was quiet, we went on our way.

Except.  A Block away we ran into the owners of the house on the way back with Rack to the house.

It was time to come clean and let the owners in on the whole story.  They thought it great fun and thanked us for the mystery and clearing up the question.

We still don't know who owned the second shoe or the first one and it has not disappeared from the statue.

I guess we'll see once we walk past.   For now, Rack knows not to water the statue and we'll all keep an eye for future developments!

I made a belt out of watches once. It was a waist of time

 One of those little gems that teaches us about perspective.  Yeah, that's what I am seeing, nothing evil here, is there?



Little Johnny Likes His Teacher

In kindergarten class one day Little Johnny's teacher is wanting to test her class on their ability to think and reason. She decides to describe an object on her desk and have the children tell her what it is.

The teacher starts with the first item as being a spherical shape that is orange and has some dark coloration. Little Johnny is excited to provide the answer, busting at the seams, with his hand in the air to be called upon. The teacher is fully aware of Johnny's somewhat crude behavior and is reluctant to call on him for the answer. The teacher calls on little Billy for the answer. Little Billy says "teacher it is a basketball" to which the teacher replied "oh Billy, I'm sorry, it is an orange. But that shows what you are thinking, and I like that."

The teacher starts to describe the second item on her desk as being a rectangular shape that is black and has some white on it. Little Johnny's hand immediately shoots into the air. The reluctant teacher calls on little Mary. Mary says "teacher, the item is a domino." The teacher replied "oh Mary, I'm so sorry, the item is a chalkboard eraser. But that shows what you are thinking, and I like that."

Little Johnny's hand is still in the air. The teacher is wondering if maybe he needs to be excused to go to the bathroom or something like that. She calls on him "Johnny what is it." Johnny stands up and puts his hand in his pocket. He says "teacher I have my hand in my pocket and in my hand is something that is round, is hard, and has a head on it, what is it?"

The teacher is flabbergasted knowing of his crude behavior, immediately exclaimed"Johnny, you dirty little boy." To which, Johnny pulls something out of his pocket. Johnny says "Teacher, I have a nickel in my hand. From your reaction I can tell what you are thinking, and I like that."