I got kicked out of mime school. It must've been something I said.

How about something a bit ageist for a Saturday Morning?  It used to be never trust anyone over 30, then never trust anyone under 30, and now it's just OK Boomer.

They're all toxic so never mind all that nonsense and just enjoy and remember we all get there sooner or later.




Sharing is caring.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple-all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine-they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "My turn for the teeth."

My Doctor thinks I am on a First Name Basis with The Gods Of Valhalla

I was laying on a table having stickers put all over my chest for a visit.

We got into a conversation that had me laughing by the end. 

I have a minor procedure scheduled that required a bunch of tests.  This EKG was the last of them. 

But he did say that for anyone over 40 it's possible you may need a stress test, over 50 a periodic one is strongly suggested.

I pulled my phone out and rattled off the statistics of my last workout.

Sunday was a Marathon on the bike.  Specifically it was:

26.68 miles.
2 Hours 16 Minutes with one break - Stop, start, set up, water stop, etc.
1 Hour 56 Minutes under power.  (Yes, I get a rest stop with cookies too.)
Max Heart Rate 166 BPM
Average Heart Rate 148 BPM
Calories Burned 1719.
VO2 Max was 80% of the workout.

Blah blah blah.

So he asked me if Thor was doing well.
It degraded from there.  We were both laughing.

"Hey you helped me, when do you want to start training?"

He checked my resting VO2 - 99% and then said  "You did hear me say that I walked past my gym on the way to the bus stop?"

"No sunrise workouts for you?  I guess the 3 miles walking a day is a little much too?"
"Yeah may be a bit much."
"It's Philly people.  We walk everywhere, even after we leave."
"I'm from Chicago and we don't."
"I was there on Xmas one year.  So cold the moisture froze solid in my nose!"

It was that kind of conversation.

Basically any kind of training can give results at any age.  You do need to stick with them and take a balanced and systemic outlook.  However long it took you to get where you are, you can come back from it and usually do so in less time that it took you to get there.

Doctors visits are amusing to me.  I usually start giving them fitness advice.  Proportions of Protein/Fat/Carb in meals, Calorie counts. 

Irony is that I am chowing down on lunch chock full of processed cheese, square fish, and there is a nice  Key Lime Pie dessert coming my way. 

Those 3000 calories a day on an off day need to balance off the calorie deficit I see when I do workout.

Meanwhile my Dog, Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM), is looking at me with that "I Too Would Like Lunch" look.

He gets 3 meals a day and it's home made.

Never feed your dog something out of a bag.  It's not good for them.  Lettie always got high quality from a bag and died from a food recall as a result.

Remember a Food Recall in human food is because someone got sick.  A Food Recall in Dog Food is because dogs died.

And since I don't want to go through syringe feeding Rack, he gets homemade and has always for years now.

As for the Gods of Valhalla?  I missed Thor, he was out with a Grecian Goddess somewhere, don't tell Hera.  I did see Athena over the weekend.  Beautiful as always.  Mercury is my trainer and I aspire to be his substitute on occasions.

Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

 Yes, I'm late.  Did a Marathon on the bike at the park.  Felt good too.  Not anywhere near as strenuous as running, but it will do nicely.

I feel like this lady at the moment.  Between the runner's high, and knowing that there's food in the kitchen, I should be looking for things right now.




The missing earring

A police officer, on his nightly patrol, sees a woman staring at the sidewalk and wandering in circles. He walks over to her and says, "Can I help you?"
"I lost an earring," she replies, showing him the other one.

After helping her look for twenty minutes, he asks, "Are you sure you lost it here?"
"No, I was near 5th and Main when I noticed it missing."

He stared at her for a moment, confused. "That's three blocks away. Why are you looking here?"
Without looking up, she replied, "Because the lighting is better."

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Ladies, this one is for you.   After passing so many spandex wearing bikers it makes me appreciate the difference.




One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?

Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.

Adam: And why did you make her skin so much softer than mine?
God: So you would enjoy touching her.

Adam: And why did you make her smell so much better than me?
God: So you would want to be around her all the time. You see, Adam, I made Eve just for you, to make you happy.

Adam: Then why did you make her so stupid?
God: Well Adam, if I had made her any smarter, she never would have slept with a guy like you.

Making Grapefruit Curd - Perfect for Breakfast or Pie Filling

I really dislike Grapefruit.  When I last went to the market, I grabbed a bag of them that I thought were Oranges and went on my way. 

So this is a way to use them if you really want something sweet and gently tart.  Unfortunately for me though, I still have seven of the things left - the recipe only used One Grapefruit where it would be between 1.5 to 3 Lemons.

Yes, this is a variation on making Lemon Curd.  Lemon Curd is basically the filling to a Lemon Meringue Pie, with some tweaks here and there.  The recipe can be made with any Citrus that you have on hand, but frankly my favorite is with Grapefruit.

A wrinkle with this recipe is that you want to zest the fruit and cook the recipe with it, but probably would be best to remove the zest before the final cooking.  How I would achieve this is cook it until everything is blended and the butter is melted, then run the mix through a strainer.  After it is strained, continue cooking the ingredients to the magic temperature of 185F or 85C.

From ingredients to table took about 15 minutes since my butter was frozen.

Ingredients for this are 1/2 of my original recipe but I will repeat them here, adjusted for size.

• 1 Grapefruit, Zested and Juiced (About a quarter cup juice)
• 3/4 cup (170g) granulated Sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 stick unsalted butter (2 Ounces, 60g)  - Room Temperature and cut into small pieces

Process

• To a microwave safe bowl, add all your ingredients.
• Stir the ingredients until smooth or run them through a blender.
• Place Microwave Safe bowl in microwave and cook on High for 30 seconds.
• Stir ingredients thoroughly to prevent hot spots.
• Repeat the microwave and stir cycle until the temperature at least reaches 185F (85C).
• The Grapefruit Curd will begin to noticeably thicken when you reach temperature.
• Again, Do not allow to boil but make sure you hit that magic temperature of 185F/85C.
• Pour the finished product into jars and refrigerate or run through strainer to capture any lemon zest or egg that might cause lumps.

I used to walk up to the counter and the bartender would know my by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Time to go out for the sunday workout.  Planning on a biking marathon, like usual.  Catch me if you can!

 In a doctors office

Woman: “Doctor, how is he? Any news?”

Doctor: “Well the important thing is, he’s going to be fine.”

Woman: “Oh thank God!”

Doctor: “But, you must prepare yourself, the head trauma he sustained has had certain effects on his personality.

Woman: “Oh no!”

Doctor: “Yes, You see he’s damaged the center on the brain responsible for making comparisons and judgements. And one effect of this, for instance, is I’m afraid he’s incapable now of finding anything funny.”

Woman: “Really?”

Doctor: “Yes I’m afraid so. It’s completely removed his sense of humor. But, on the other hand, it does mean that he’s entirely at peace with his situation. Without judgement, he simply can’t comprehend that there’s anything he should feel dissatisfied about.

Woman: “So... you’re telling me-”

Doctor: “Yes, that’s right madam. He’s serious, but not critical.”

I never wash the floor. It's beneath me.

 If, at first, you don't succeed... I would not recommend skydiving.


A man went skydiving for the first time.
The pilot went to find the man’s wife. “I’ve got some bad news, some good news, some even worse news and some better news.”
“Oh, my gosh...what happened?”

“Your husband fell out of the plane.
The good news is that he had a parachute on.
The worse news is that the parachute didn’t open.”

The wife had nearly fainted from shock.
“The better news is that we hadn’t taken off yet.”



So a sky diver jumps at 10,000 feet but his ‘chute malfunctions and he augers in.
When his jump buddy breaks the news to the dead guy’s girlfriend she sobs, “Did . . . did he say my name before he died?”
The jump buddy says, “Yeah, if your name is AAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHH!”


The primary rule with skydiving is this: when the people look like ants you don’t pull the cord,when the ants look like people you pull the cord.

Just a Power Washed Morning at the Park

They say Orange Skies in the Morning, Sailors take Warning.  Orange Skies At Night, Sailor's Delight.

There's some truth to that.  Even if my own pop meteorology came to mind in my driveway that morning.  Or Popped In my mind if you must.

It was a pretty sunrise.  I may as well enjoy them because if I am up before the dawn, I can schedule a workout. 

That is, I can schedule a workout once I check radar.

Weather here is a weird beast.  Rain can come from any direction, and at any time.  Typically the winds blow from East to West.  Off the Ocean, onto the Land.  There is a noticeable increase in the breezes around 10 or 11 in the morning. 

I have to watch because if I am out there doing my own thing, it effects me strongly. 

Oh I have managed to insulate myself from most of the slop by upgrading my skates to ceramic bearings and learning how to rework the brakes on the bike after a rain.  Ceramic bearings won't rust at the drop of a drop and a quick sanding of the brake pads on my bike will save me at least $50 at a bike shop, no matter how competent she is.

Got out though, after the dog walk.  I loaded the Jeep up, strapped the bike to the back and headed to the park.  Pompano Air Park is a 4.5 mile square.  Basically a square mile of airplanes coming and going, and occasionally you see the Goodyear Blimp.  But once you are there you get a clear view of the land to the opposite side.  One mile off give or take a few meters.  A Km and 6 tenths plus or minus a few feet.

Go enjoy myself at about 15.25 MPH average for the first hour.

Except.

I got out and felt drops on my arm.  Mind you, I'm ok with being out in the rain and I'm dressed in Biker's Spandex Compression shorts and jersey.   On the bike I'm hard to miss.  But none of that stuff will get damaged in the rain or by the rain.  I do ride fast enough to feel the drops hit me like someone throwing sand at me so I try to avoid that.  Plus water on a disc brake on a bike does what it does to your car - interferes with stopping.

I took the high road though.  Get the workout in as well as I could.  I decided that it was easier to draft another biker for a change.  I'm fast enough that I am at the top of the food chain with intermediate bikers.  The next step would be get the crazy expensive bike made out of Carbon Fiber and frankly that defeats the purpose.  I do it for Cardio and for Cross Training so that when I want to inline skate, I have not lost muscle tone.

It works.  I won't humble brag but having a resting heart rate as low as I do is a nice bonus.

So this big dude, I had wondered about his performance on the trails before.  It turns out that he's a better cyclist than I thought.  He's basically at my level.  Don't judge a book by a cover fast.  I should know, I followed him for the better part of an hour, at my own normal speeds.

Thing about sports is that while you are really competing against your own self, your own capacity, your own capabilities, you notice The Next Guy.  Especially if you see that person about 3 times a week.

I guess I needed that bit of a mental adjustment.  I am happy with my progress in two sports, I should be, I do it enough.  But when you see that Next Guy and get a chance to judge your own performance, it gives you a reset.

Like I said, I'm a big guy.  A Fit 6'4" and 188 pounds.  When I was skating back in the good old days, a friend on the team kept pushing me to get faster.  I asked "I'm flattered but I'm not there yet"  He responded that the team needs an anchor to draft behind.  I wasn't completely sure that was for me but now I understand it. 

I took the day off and drafted the big guy in front of me.  While it is true that if you aren't the lead dog, the view never changes, it's also that lead dog who gets wet. 

Once I had my mid workout water stop at 16 miles, I found out how much I appreciated not being the lead that day.  Back getting pressure washed by weather for that last lap and a half to get my normal every day 22 plus miles.

So stay dry however you can.  We're under flood watches and even the city would prefer if we didn't overload the sewers and the pumping stations.  The rain from yesterday was over 6 inches or about 15 cm.  It's raining now and Mr Dog got a late second walk because I didn't want to get pressure washed again.

Maybe tomorrow.  I'll look across the park at the trails on the far side and see clear skies instead of grey blobs raining down and forcing me to turn around. 

Then again, there is always Friday, huh?

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Since it is Saturday night right now, and I am formatting this, weather permitting, I'll be carving big lazy circles around a big old gas bag at 15 mph.

So since it is Sunday, here's a little bit of heaven.


 Getting into heaven

A man comes home after 5 years in the army, his wife says “I had a son while you were away, he’s yours”. The child looks 2 years old at most so the husband tried to argue that it can’t be his but his wife refuses to budge. 

After days of drinking and nagging the man loses it, grabs a gun and shoots his wife then Himself.

The man wakes up in heaven being greeted by St Peter. Peter looks through his good and bad deeds and says “you were a great man who saved many lives in the army but it also says you killed your wife and yourself. This is a tough one so I need to ask god for help with this”.

The man goes to see god and explains his story, god asks the man “wait, what planet are you from”?

The man replies “Earth”, god says “he’s good, let him through”.
Peter says “god don’t you need more time to think about this”?
God replies “Peter, people from earth are really weird. I’ve never even been to Earth and people have been telling me for 2k years that I have a son there”

Did you hear about the superhero who was bitten by a radioactive lawyer? He got the power of attorney

Ok, this might be a bit of a dated story, after all you need to have a certain level of intelligence to build a house.  Besides, those Nail Guns are wild to use, but ...


Two idiots are building a house

They just finished the framing and are starting to nail siding on to the house. While one holds the siding,the other drives the nails into it.

The guy holding the siding watches as his buddy with the hammer picks up a nail out if the box, hammers it in, picks up another nail out if the box, throws it over his shoulder, picks up a nail from the box, nails it in, picks up another nail, and throws it over his shoulder, and repeats the process.

"What are you doing? You're throwing away half the nails we bought." Asks the guy holding up the siding.

"I can't use them," answers his buddy with the hammer "they're pointed on the wrong end."

"You idiot!" Exclams his partner, "those are for the other side of the house!"