As less and less people are buying into religion, Prophets are down!

 Perfect one liner for a sunday, eh?  Here's another one for you!


 
 Too much plastic surgery

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it.

Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips.

She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 OK I actually groaned at that topic when I pasted the one liner in as a topic.  My life is turning into a dad joke!

And while I am at it, I may as well use a (groan) Blond Joke today.  Enjoy if you can!




 
 The Blond

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.

They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”

The brunette says, “I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.

I just want to go home.” POOF!

The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, “I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.

I wish I could go home too.” POOF!

The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, “My dear, what’s the matter?”

The blonde whimpers, “I wish my 2-friends were still here.”

Three Ingredient Pizza Crust for One Serving.

While my pizza sauce recipe tastes like I remember out of a pizza parlor of the good old days, my crusts are never that great.

Lately my crusts have been a 12 inch tortilla with all the toppings.  Kind of an Italian Quesadilla.  Sure, it lowers the calories to 1000 per pie, but it is missing "something".

When I saw a recipe promising a Three Ingredient Pizza crust, I had to try it.  I downloaded it, and followed the directions and ... Meh.  A floppy crust.

But it was fresh and I could make it in under 15 minutes.

So here ya go, it's pared down to be a single 7 inch pizza crust.  If you want a full sized pizza (12 inch or so) double this recipe.

The plus to all of this is that it is dead simple.  Hard to go wrong if you have the ingredients.

Ingredients

• 1/3 cup or 52g of All Purpose Flour
• 1/3 teaspoon (about 1.5g) of Baking Powder
• 1/3 cup of 90g of Plain Greek Yogurt.

Process

• To a mixing bowl, add the Flour and Baking Powder.
• Whisk the ingredients together.
• Fold in and mix the Greek Yogurt until it makes a dough ball.
• You may want to add a little extra Flour for the correct consistency.
• Roll the dough ball out to a crust on floured surface.

Cooking

• Preheat to medium, an appropriate skillet with a little olive oil.
• Add the rolled out crust to the skillet and cook until toasted.
• Flip and repeat until both sides are lightly brown to taste.
• Add the toppings and bake.

To the guy who sold me this cloning machine, how do you live with yourself?

When I am out and about making giant lazy squares around an airport there is a stable.  Horseys.  So today, Sunday, I have to do something else this morning instead of sitting in the chair.  I'm going to see if an old race horse can talk.



 An old race horse and a young race horse


So an old race horse is talking to a young race horse in a stable the night before the big race.

'Now, young feller' says the old racehorse, 'do you know what happens to an old horse who wins his last race?' For he was getting long in the tooth and knew that his final race would be upon him soon if not tomorrow.

'No, grandfather,' said the young horse. 'I'm not sure what happens to old race horses who win their last race.'

'Well my boy, it's wonderful. They get put out to stud in the best pastures. They eat the best food, they live a long luxurious retirement, and they get to spend time with all the loveliest young fillies.'

'That sounds wonderful, grandfather'

'Ah, but do you know what happens to an old race horse that loses his last race?'

'Well, no grandfather I don't know.'

'Well, unfortunately any old horse that loses their last race will be sent to the glue factory. They will be dismembered and never get to taste the wonderful delights that await the horse who wins his last race.'

'Oh. Oh no.' The young horse was distraught to be burdened with this news.

'So you see, my son, my young lad,' continued the old racehorse, 'Why I am asking you--neigh, I am begging you!--to please let me win the race tomorrow.'

The old racehorse barreled on: 'Let's be frank, you and I. I am old and you are young. I am facing my last race, if not tomorrow then the next day. You are young and full of piss and vinegar. I am old and worn. Everyone knows that in a straight race you will beat me.'

'That is why, young feller, please from the bottom of my heart I am begging you to let me win tomorrow so that I can go on to the good life in the pasture instead of the glue factory.'

The young horse pondered this for a long moment. Finally, he clicked his teeth and looked back at the old horse. 'I sure would love to help you Grandpa. I sure would! But the problem is, you see, if a young race horse like me loses to an old race horse like you, Well they just might go and throw me in the glue factory. I'm sure you understand it's nothing personal. It's just that, like you, I'm trying to stay out of that place. I sure wish I could help you though.'

As I'm sure you understand, the old racehorse is devastated.

But this whole time a wise old hound has been listening to the conversation. Finally, he raises his head and calls upon the young racehorse: 'Come on, give the old guy a chance, will you?'

Both horses jump! 'Holy crap!' says the younger horse. 'A talking dog!'

Thinking about how dumb you’d have to be to not notice someone living in your attic. That’s why i chose my neighbor’s house!

I do a lot of DYI.  I recently replaced the Oxygen Sensors, Fuel Rail, and Fuel Injectors on my Jeep.  I noticed some vacuum hoses were cracked so I replaced them and for extra measure, zip tied the ends for tightness.

On the other hand, my woodworking skills are much less assertive.  Power Tools are something I have a healthy respect or fear for.  I haven't decided which.




At a carpentry shop , one of the carpenters is operating a table saw.

He is watching the cut of the blade very closely, so much so that he did not notice the resinous knot in the wood, which when it hit the blade the wood kicked back into his chest and caused him to slam forward and sliced his ear. Clean off !!

He immediately shut down the saw and starts screaming and panicking ….. the foreman runs in , “ What’s going on?? OMG ! Whats all this blood ? ! “. The carpenter tells him : “ I CUT MY EAR OFF !!”

“ OMG ! Let’s help you find it ! “

Everyone pitches in , rummaging through all the piles of sawdust on the shop floor , until the Foreman finds an ear and shakes the sawdust off … and he shows it to the carpenter : “ Is this your ear? ! “

The carpenter examines it closely and says :

“ No, … mine had a pencil behind it “

My Jeep Got Ducked. So I Cycled A Marathon.

As an endurance athlete, you have time to think.  It really is logistics, whether you are going for a marathon, a couple hour walk, or skating that sixth lap around the big park.  You have to plan for the time, and you have to set your mind to achieve that goal.

When I was in Philadelphia, that big park was a long run from Independence Mall in Center City to Valley Forge.  I got into audio books and long DJ music sets and that would keep me going.

Here in South Florida, I am fortunate to have access to a data plan that is unlimited so I can fill my head with any media I can find.  I found a "Classic Dance" station in Puerto Rico that plays music in English, mostly.  Which is fine because my Spanish is merely "Intermediate".  B2 perhaps.  Puedo entenderte si hablaste lentemente. ¿Si?

I was chugging around the big park, a 4.6 mile loop around the Pompano Air Park watching them cart the Goodyear Blimp out of the hangar and have it just sit in the sun to acclimate. 

Lap 1 was easy.

Lap 2 was easy.

Lap 3 I was slowing noticeably and needed a water stop.  Music had stopped playing for some weird reason so at a half-marathon, I thought it was a good time for a rest.

The Jeep was under a tree, and I knew I had water on the bike with me.  But that snack I hid under the front seat was calling my name and I know I had peaked.  I was hitting the wall and "Mr Announcer" on Runkeeper had said that I was over an hour and at 13 plus miles.

I rolled close to the car and spotted a blue dot.

That blue dot grew to become a little plastic duck.

Finally! I had gotten Ducked! 

I have been driving Jeep Wranglers since 1996 and I had a CJ 7 back in the mid 1980s.  

This Duck Thing is new.  I remember that it was something that came out of Canada as a "Fun thing to do" for other Jeepers.  Of course, it's Wholesome, and it is Nice.  Of course, it comes from Canada. 

I guess I qualify as a Jeeper, having had three of the inefficient things.  They have the aerodynamics of a cow.  Moo-ve out of my way, I can push you if you need help keeping up with traffic.

I roll up on the bike and immediately get a big smile on my face.  Looking at the little blue artifact, I am jumping up and down in the parking lot under the tree.  All 6'4" and 194 pounds of me dressed in a uniform of colorful and sweaty "technical fabrics" cheering like a kid. 

Yep, it's fun!  Having gotten my first ducking.

I guess it is my time.  I have had this car since 2002 and Jeep Wrangler TJs are getting thin on the ground.  By that measure, it's a special car now, a standout, and a survivor.

The ducking says, I noticed you and appreciate your Jeep. 

Yes, It's a Jeep Thing and you wouldn't understand.  Other (ahem) "lesser" types of vehicles have their own fan club and their own ways of honoring them.

I put the little blue critter on my dashboard where it is now, and there it will stay.

I finished my snack, and my water stop.  It was time to get going again. 

In fact, I was so energized by that encounter that I did my first marathon since the accident and the repair of my shoulder.

But the duck, the marathon, and my beta endorphins all made for a truly fun day.

If we got rid of all of the Margarine, the world would be a butter place.

Just saying here, but from a nutritional standpoint, you are better off with butter than Marge.  Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil is not good for the heart.

I'll get off my stage, I'm getting a nosebleed from being up so high up...




A man died and went to Heaven...

St Peter says to him,

“Before you meet with God, I should tell you ,we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied,

“Yeah, once whilst out driving I came upon a little old lady being harassed by a group of thugs. I pulled over, went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”, asks St Peter.

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

I was at a really emotional wedding this past weekend. Even the wedding cake was in Tiers!

In the great traditions of ... overkill, I leave this one sitting on the Savanna of the South African Bush.



In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.” 

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.
I served with the Bengal Lancers in the siege of Cawnpore as First Secretary to Colonel Smythe - Carruthers Brigade Commander. I have researched the history of . . .”

At that point, the colonel interrupted.
"Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to sod off."

Cycling Hack - Cut The Sidewalls Off For Use As A Liner For The Tire

What you are looking at bears some explanation.

The short answer is when you ride so much that your tires are showing the belts through, you can give it a second life.

I've been "Make Do And Mend" for so long that it is second nature to me.  When I wear something out and throw it out, it is because I can't see a second or third use for it.  So the end result is that I repurpose many things in creative ways.

In this case, it's a liner for the tires next time the tube needs a servicing.

Why would I want a liner?

Simple.  I ride on streets and trails in a city.  Pompano Beach and Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  There is a lot of trash on the trails.  Seed husks, broken glass, wires, and coral stones were all on the trail that I rode on yesterday.  That is only what I remember.

Tires on a bike have lasted me about 2500 miles.  The front wheel lasts much longer, and that picture is of my rear wheel.  I just installed a new tire, and it is already lined with a tire tread from an earlier tire.

Since my endurance workouts are fairly long, I do tend to run through a tire in about 100 or so workouts.  I have caught quite a few flats in my time and the tubes are patched four or five places.  Tires generally do not need to be patched.

With a liner, I haven't had a flat in about 1000 miles.  Without a liner, it's about every other week.

You choose.

You can buy a liner.  They aren't any better than this except they tend to be lighter than the third of a bike tire I am stuffing into my replacement.

This is a hack.   It worked very well for me for a couple years. 

A book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.

 If you think these titles are groaners, you should hear what people tell me in private.  I do try for G or PG rated things ya know!





 A group of cowboys are sitting around a card table arguing about who has the fastest draw...

Finally, one rough looking cowboy slams his drink down and hollers "ain't no man faster than me. They call me Grim cause I take more lives than the reaper!".

A voice from across the saloon answers back, "well, I been both sides of the Mississippi, and every other direction on the map. Ain't met a faster man than me. They call me Sixes, cause I can draw and fire off six rounds before most men can even get the gun outta their holster!".

After some hootin' and hollerin', and eggin' on by the patrons, the two decide to go outside and see who's the fastest draw.

They go out into the dusty street, now lined on both sides by the saloon patrons. They stand back to back, each take 30 paces, and turn...

In a flash, before Grim even knows what's happened, Sixes draws his gun and unloads all six rounds. Grim is stunned, his hand still resting on his holstered gun, but he's not been hit. He turns his head to the commotion on the side of the street as six men lay dead on the ground. He turns his head back to Sixes, who smirks.

"I said I was the fastest. I never said nothin' about accuracy".