I'm going to stand outside so if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
One fifth of people are just too tense!
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
"Curses! Foiled Again!"
I know a woman who owns a taser...
Let me tell you, she's stunning!
What goes "Oh! Oh! Oh!"?
Santa walking backwards.
Mister? Why doesn't this cow have any horns?
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding things together.
They're called velcrows.
I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused!"
...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary!
Last night I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach.