Saturday, January 28, 2017

How About Some Short Jokes and Groaners

By shear coincidence ...all these sheep look the same.

I'm going to stand outside so if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

 One fifth of people are just too tense!

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
"Curses! Foiled Again!"

I know a woman who owns a taser...
Let me tell you, she's stunning!

What goes "Oh! Oh! Oh!"?
Santa walking backwards.

Mister?  Why doesn't this cow have any horns?
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding things together.
They're called velcrows.

I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused!"
...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to?  Elementary!

Last night I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning...
I got hit hard in the head with a can of 7up today.
I'm alright though, it was a soft drink!
I'm going to see Dr. Pepper just in case.
It didn't hit my face and mess up my mug.
I could have had a V8.

Whatever you do, always give 100% unless of course, you're donating blood.
What did one ocean say to another?  Nothing. They just waved!
Why was the 36" garden crying?  It was only a yard.
I don't trust people with Graph Paper.  They're always plotting something.
Everything is made from matter.  That's why everything matters.
What type of fish can perform a liver transplant?  A sturgeon.
How do you make a strawberry shake?  You put it in the freezer.

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