What you have to do to mail a letter these days.

Funny what passes through what I call my mind when I am reading a joke.  I started to free-associate with changes and modern life and technology and I'm laughing at myself because while technology is easy for me, Printing is not.

I'll be making up a nice new sign for the Jeep to tell people that there is nothing of value in the car and it's not for sale, and to beg them to leave it alone.

In two languages!  With Pictures!  In glorious Grey Scale and Black And White!

But yes, I did end up with a Robin Williams Style Rant here.  Hang on for a ride.  There's a Bounce-Bar by your knees if you need to hold on.

Anyway, I suspect that this joke way below is one of those "older" offices.  Having a lot of paper around the place seems to be a bit anachronistic.  While I personally "need" to be "able" to print, I think I am on the same ream of paper that we got for the house back in 2010 and I still have "Special Resume Grade Paper" from the 90s.  You know, the good heavy weight stuff that isn't pure white so it sticks out in a crowd.

Remember having to mail a resume?
Remember actually writing a Pen Pal?

I write maybe four actual letters per year.  They get dropped into a box to go along with some "goodies" that I send off in a care package explaining what crap I have loaded into the thing.

In order to get ink to physical piece of paper, I had to have a printer.

Since "technology" happens, I had to have a server for that printer so I could print from any computer on my network.

Install an operating system, a version of Debian Linux, Of course.

Get it working to print something out.  Share that printer across the network.  Start up Libre Office because I refuse to run anything Microsoft if I can avoid both it and the spyware that they insist in putting in their software.  Write the letter and save it.

All that?  Took about a week of thrashing because there was some weird inconsistency between Raspbian on ARM and a pure Debian on X86 that I am used to...

So now to print, turn on the RaspberryPi, wait for it to boot in about 2 minutes, then turn on the printer.  Rush back to the laptop and tell it to print to the printer "Tucked in a corner of Bill's Desk Somewhere".

Yes, I called it that.

I had to get a physical piece of paper to my financial advisor a while back and I ended up having them send me the form to sign so that I could physically carry the thing to the Post Office that is two miles away.

Get into the Jeep, hope it starts because I simply don't drive that often.

Look around as I drive the car like a puppy out the window.  Oooh!  look!  Moving Things!  Shiny Objects!  Other People!

Drive out into traffic and get confused by which lane to choose when at that bizarre five way intersection that everyone knows here as Five Points.

I truly hate driving through Five Points.   It's generally done with a horn or an extended gesture that is caused by some damn tourist using the wrong lanes or forgetting to get the hell off the phone because the light changed.

Then I am invisible because nobody actually follows the Uniform Vehicle Code any more and am trying to jockey for the Curb Lane because I am only going a mile which involves two stop lights on Dixie Highway, crossing a major rail corridor, and who knows what other shiny objects might be hanging out at the next intersection.

I prefer to walk.

Stand in line and hand it to the people at the Oakland Park, FL Post Office.  Truly nice people there.  Sure, it looks like a throwback to the early 1970s and probably has not been painted since then, but I end up with a smile on my face, even if I do have to stand in line.

After it gets there, lather, rinse, repeat and go home.  I'll take the back roads, I'll need a sedative if I have to go through Five Points twice in one day!

Beep Beep!  I'm a Jeep!
Careful, Nervous Driver On Board!

As Carl Sagan said "To make a cake, you first have to invent the universe".

Anyway, all of this rant was triggered by this joke I promised you below.




A young manager was finishing up late at work

When he was leaving there was only one other person in the office.

He noticed it was the owner of the company standing by a Shredder with a sheet of paper looking confused.
He approached him and asked if he was alright.

The owner said "my secretary has gone home and she always does these things for me", and asked "do you know how to work this machine".
The manager said "yes", turned on the Shredder and stuck the sheet in and said "all done".
The owner said "brilliant, now I need three more copies."



Ok I guess you had to be there!

A Frog Goes Into A Bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

$5.37 - Humor

Lately Velma has been sharing quite a few jokes, some I can use here, others I pass along to selected friends.   You know, keeping it safe for work and all that.  I do have to wonder what my dear friend is trying to tell me though with all these old fogie jokes?  I'll have to get my reading glasses out and see what she is saying here. 


$5.37

Age gracefully it's the only acceptable way out........ 
Can any of you identify with this?  CERTAINLY NOT ME ....
If you have seen it before, it is still good for a chuckle.

Stuff like this can happen to anyone with a few years on their bones.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a  five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change  when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever  said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.  I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.  Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I  began to rationalize in my mind!   "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"  I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys  and tried another. Still nothing.  That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.  Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my  life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.  I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,  and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.  Elmo had no clue. I  walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged  on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.  He offered these kind words:  "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."  All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.  The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Five Minute Management Course - Humor

Velma came through for us today with some management humor.  Yeah, you know those dry and sometimes humorless people with offices that have doors and usually a window?   Well here's how they tend to view the world.  


Or so they say...


5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the  Bahamas  , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch..'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull S___ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who messes on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of mess is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep mess, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Dear God: It's me, the Dog

I was going through the jokes that people have sent me over the last few months and spotted this one right after I got the Sad Brown Eyes Look from Mrs Dog.   Awww Cuuute!

Thanks to Diane, I have a response.


Dear God: It's me, the Dog


Dear God: Is it on purpose that our
names are spelled the same, only in reverse?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit
on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after
the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE
named for a Dog? How often do you
see a cougar riding around? We love a nice car
ride! Would it be so hard to rename
the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off
in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee
flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs,
less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?


Dear God: Here is a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good Dog:

1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats
it or after he throws it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's
crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before
entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside,
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living
room, and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy',
so when I play with him and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven,
may I have my testicles back?

How's Your Day Going?

Have you ever had "One Of Those Days" where everything goes wrong?   In this case, maybe it's everything going right.   Strangers can make your day! 

Thanks Velma!



How's Your Day Going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Nag Nag Nag - Humor

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

When you stop laughing, send this to a friend!!!

One for Breast Cancer Awareness Month - Hanging by One Boob

Physical exams are not fun. Usually they manage to make us feel like a piece of meat no matter what is being poked and prodded, but they're needed.

So next time, Ladies, when you go to the Gynecologist think of this particular story...

Hanging By One Boob

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo…… I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

Idiot - Humor

This one definitely has the Velma Seal of Approval! 

I was considering getting a taser recently, sometimes you just need a little non lethal protection.  Violence is something that I am steadfastly against, but a lot of folks out there see things differently.

After considering it and then dismissing the thought, this particular email came in out of the blue from Velma.

I laughed, I considered it a sign, and I'm shockless to this day.

I mean, if I have maced myself three times, this could happen to me...


IDIOT


I actually received this from a man.................

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!  Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it stupid,' while I'm reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, and my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room...

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was... My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.. Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Control Tower Conversation Humor

I'll spare you the really bad formatting and strange fonts that came with this one, but I liked it enough to share.  Supposedly these are real conversations that happened from airport towers to airlines.  Having listened to those and Police radio from time to time... I believe it! 

No matter what, it's an entertaining read. 



Supposedly actual  exchanges between pilots and control  towers .....

Tower: "Delta  351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6  miles!"
Delta 351: "Give  us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA  2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."
TWA  2341: "Center,  we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up  here?"
Tower: "Sir,  have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it  hits a 727?"


From  an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff  queue: "I'm  f...ing bored!"
Ground  Traffic Control: "Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself  immediately!"
Unknown  aircraft: "I  said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing  stupid!"


O'Hare  Approach Control to a 747: "United  329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,  three miles,  Eastbound."
United  329: "Approach,  I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A  student became lost during a solo cross-country  flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on  radar, ATC asked, "What  was your last known  position?"
Student: "When  I was number one for takeoff."


A  DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San  Jose Tower Noted: "American  751, make a hard right turn at the end of the  runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take  the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at  the lights and return to the  airport."



A  Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in   Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in  German): "Ground,  what is our start clearance  time?"
Ground  (in English): "If  you want an answer you must speak in  English."
Lufthansa  (in English): "I  am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .  Why must I speak  English?"
Unknown  voice from another plane (in a beautiful British  accent): "Because  you lost the bloody  war!"


Tower: "Eastern  702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on  frequency 124.7"
Eastern  702: "Tower,  Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after  we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the  far end of the  runway."
Tower:  "Continental  635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that  report from Eastern  702?"
Continental  635: "Continental  635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."



One  day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the  tower to hold short of the active runway while a  DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned  around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some  quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said, "What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by  yourself?"
The  Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,  came back with a real zinger: "I  made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like  yours and I'll have enough parts for another  one."



The  German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are  renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only  expect one to know one's gate parking location, but  how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)  listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt  ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign  Speedbird 206.
Speedbird  206: "   Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active  runway."
Ground: "Speedbird  206. Taxi to gate Alpha  One-Seven."
The  BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a  stop.

Ground: "Speedbird,  do you not know where you are  going?"
Speedbird  206: "Stand  by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location  now."
Ground  (with quite arrogant  impatience): "Speedbird  206, have you not been to Frankfurt  before?"
Speedbird  206 (coolly): "Yes,  twice in 1944, but it was dark --  and  I didn't  land."





While  taxiing at London 's Airport,  the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose  with a United 727..
An  irate female ground controller lashed out at the US  Air crew, screaming: "US  Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you  to turn                        right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right  on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult  for you to tell the difference between C and D, but  get it right!"
Continuing  her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now  shouting hysterically:"God!  Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever  to sort this out! You stay right there and don't  move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want  you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,  and how I tell you! You got that, US Air  2771?"
"Yes, ma'am,"  the  humbled crew responded.

Naturally,  the ground control communications frequency fell  terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air  2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate  ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot  broke the silence and keyed his microphone,  asking:

"Wasn't  I married to you  once?"

Dining decisions through the years: age 15 to 85: Ocean View Restaurant - Humor

When I got this joke:
I laughed at the first few. 
I saw some merit in the ones in the middle.
I cringed at the last few.  

I guess I just dated myself!   It must be a great place to be open that many years.


Dining decisions through the years: age 15 to 85: Ocean View Restaurant

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the same group of 25-year-old girlfriend's discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriend's discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriend's discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriend's discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriend's discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriend's discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriend's discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.