A while back, I was consulting for a start up. Interesting situation, I helped out with some light Web Development and QA for a small group up in Philly and kept it up while I moved here. The whole time I had a constricting 600 minutes a month on my T-Mobile contract. The first month here, I blew that out and ended up with a $120 charge instead of my usual $40
We figured out a way to telecommute via Skype, and continued onwards.
I used Skype to teleconference with people on Windows, Mac, and Linux on every sort of connection from Dial-Up (Yes, people use that still) to cable modem broad band. It's an amazing piece of software and completely free to use on the web.
I can go deeper into that, but functioning as a CTO/CIO for a start up from here in Wilton Manors while the rest of the organization was around Philadelphia and NYC was amazing experience. Too bad the organization folded. The Republican Induced Great Depression that we're going through claimed another Small Business...
Right now, Kevin is up in Philly visiting Mom on vacation. He's got Skype on his iPhone and an unlimited data contract. I've got it here on my laptop with built-in web camera.
We've always played with technology but this is a difference. With his iPhone 4 and the two cameras on it, we decided to play and go with a video call.
So I was sending and receiving a crystal clear audio stream. Sound was FM quality, maybe better. I didn't have my headphones to judge, but Skype on my end blows away any cell phone call I've ever had except when I used Skype on the iPhone to chat with a friend in Key West.
What was amusing was what Kevin did next. Video.
He was driving through the rolling green southern Pennsylvania countryside sending me "Quarter VGA" video in full speed. It was blocky and grainy but it was utterly smooth. We were laughing as he approached Mom's home and knocked on the door.
"Hi Mom, look, Bill's on the Phone in Video"
"Hi Mrs Mom! I bet you didn't expect to be on TV to Florida did you?"
"Hi Bill! No I didn't!"
I was then taken for a tour of a condo that I had been told so much about, saw her Orchids and the view through to the forest (or at least trees) behind the home and all the things that I had recognized from the visits to their home before I had moved to Florida.
The thing is that it's completely free to use it over the web. They also offer services for a couple dollars a month to allow you to use your Skype Account as a phone with a phone number in the US and other countries.
Basically we've all got some chat options, but when I find myself able to use Skype, it's what I prefer. Doing Skype to Skype on two PCs is absolutely smooth.
Last night I got a video Skype call from my friend in Key West, David.
The video was full screen, and since we were on a "fast" cable modem connection, the video was better than Standard Def TV. It may have been equivalent to 720p, I'm not sure, but it was stable as could be.
The thing is we both had older computers with web cams. Mine is a Core2Duo processor - about 2 years old. His was a 5 year old Mac Book on an old copy of OSX Leopard.
You just don't need high end equipment to do something that "The Jetsons" considered normal any more.
An Open Letter To My Sister, or Whatever Pops Into My Head at the Time...
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Value of a Catholic Education - Humor
I may have been the sum of all of my years of education but after hearing some of the stories of the regimented Catholic Schools in New Jersey, I'm glad I didn't experience them first hand until High School. The priests and nuns of Camden Catholic High School were an interesting lot, and certainly weren't limiting in any way.
However, when I got this joke... I truly enjoyed it!
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
However, when I got this joke... I truly enjoyed it!
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Why Parents Drink - Humor
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it..
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Standing on the Platform at the Auto Train
The R7 is where I met some wonderful people when I learned how to share the seat.
In the case of this picture, it brought back that flood of memories, joining up with Velma and the morning crew and riding to work every day for 7 plus years. The platforms are pretty standard, even though this one is for the Auto Train in Sanford Florida.
Kevin's taking a trip to visit Mom, and will be arriving in Lorton Virginia this morning. Onward to Pennsylvania afterwords.
I took the Auto Train way back in the 70s when it had first started up with my family. We rode to Sanford and took a grand tour of Florida, first heading to Tampa area, then Fort Lauderdale, and back to Orlando to see the Rat. After all we kids, Pat and I and Cousin Darlene, were not yet teens and it was a chance to see all the fun at Disney World while it was still exciting.
Back then, we rode coach. It was uncomfortable then with seats that didn't recline and blankets that weren't quite warm enough in the Air Conditioned "comfort".
Later, I tried it again in Coach and found that the seats were a little better but not suited to my 6'4" frame and thought only in an emergency.
Kevin tried an "Individual RoomEtte" and liked it. They're not quite four feet wide, have a teeny table and two chairs in them. When you're ready, the porter pulls down a berth for you to sleep your way through some rather unexciting scenery in the deep south and you wake up in Virginia. North Florida if you're coming down from Snowbird Land.
Much more comfortable than trying to pretend that sleeping in a stiff backed and semi padded chair that is semi reclining is a good way to spend a night.
Theoretically the costs work out fairly even, you can go the distance in about the same time and expense as it would be to drive. Certainly safer since I know that in the middle of that first day drive, I'll start getting white line fever and need a good time out of the Jeep.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
A Wet Walk in the Park
Oh hi!
Yeah we're in for it. It's South Florida, you have two seasons, wet and dry. 50 inches of rain a year, 40 or so in six months.
No, you're right, it's more like Hurricane and Snowbird Season some years.
I didn't get caught out too badly though but you learn to check.
Sure did, I've got a weather app on the iPhone so I can skim radar before I left.
Nope, I heard the storm approach before it hit with a big rolling crack right at 6AM.
Because, at 6 my neighbor's sprinkler goes off, mine goes off, my dog wakes and wakes me. It's all very predictable.
Yep, nice guy, real quiet too which is a massive plus after what we've been through.
Don't ask...
Sure she got wet, I had my Antenna also known as an Umbrella. I've been here long enough to know that you get the good golf umbrellas that are all carbon fiber but I've had this one since the mid 80s when I worked in Philly. Can't give up something that works just yet.
It's like they say about us down here, "You can tell a Floridian because they don't bring an umbrella when it rains, they just wait for it to stop or get wet". Not like back in Philly where it would rain all damn day at 39 degrees and you'd be frozen through. Here just hand me a soap bar and let me shower with the rain since it can really be THAT warm.
Of course not. Mrs Dog Hates Rain, but you know I have that mile and a quarter I'm walking every morning.
Since May. Looked at the scale on my birthday and wasn't happy so I've lost 6 pounds since then in 2 months.
It simply wouldn't be right for someone who was a trainer for inline skating to have that much extra. After all you can't accelerate as fast with an extra 10 in the middle, right?
*CRACK* Ok, let me get going before that rain hits again.
Good seeing you too...
Too late, let me walk you home if you don't mind being under a golf umbrella that looks more like a maroon and grey satellite dish with metal spars.
*RumbleBOOM!*
Oh that was close, lets git!
Yeah we're in for it. It's South Florida, you have two seasons, wet and dry. 50 inches of rain a year, 40 or so in six months.
No, you're right, it's more like Hurricane and Snowbird Season some years.
I didn't get caught out too badly though but you learn to check.
Sure did, I've got a weather app on the iPhone so I can skim radar before I left.
Nope, I heard the storm approach before it hit with a big rolling crack right at 6AM.
Because, at 6 my neighbor's sprinkler goes off, mine goes off, my dog wakes and wakes me. It's all very predictable.
Yep, nice guy, real quiet too which is a massive plus after what we've been through.
Don't ask...
Sure she got wet, I had my Antenna also known as an Umbrella. I've been here long enough to know that you get the good golf umbrellas that are all carbon fiber but I've had this one since the mid 80s when I worked in Philly. Can't give up something that works just yet.
It's like they say about us down here, "You can tell a Floridian because they don't bring an umbrella when it rains, they just wait for it to stop or get wet". Not like back in Philly where it would rain all damn day at 39 degrees and you'd be frozen through. Here just hand me a soap bar and let me shower with the rain since it can really be THAT warm.
Of course not. Mrs Dog Hates Rain, but you know I have that mile and a quarter I'm walking every morning.
Since May. Looked at the scale on my birthday and wasn't happy so I've lost 6 pounds since then in 2 months.
It simply wouldn't be right for someone who was a trainer for inline skating to have that much extra. After all you can't accelerate as fast with an extra 10 in the middle, right?
*CRACK* Ok, let me get going before that rain hits again.
Good seeing you too...
Too late, let me walk you home if you don't mind being under a golf umbrella that looks more like a maroon and grey satellite dish with metal spars.
*RumbleBOOM!*
Oh that was close, lets git!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Shopping Online at JCPenney Could Be Easier
Ok I'm that guy who breaks things. I'll admit it. I've got more than 15 years experience in Project Management, more than 25 years experience in Software Development. I've done decades of this stuff, including Quality Assurance and Change Control.
Basically if you think of a software development shop, I've done it. Including User Experience and Search Engine Optimization, I've got a very broad background.
I had a position where I was hired as a Software Project Manager. They used my Network Admin (My direct report) as a fill in at in Information Booth that I ended up Specifying, Procuring, and Deploying a brand spanking new Server using Windows Server 2008 and SQL Server while babysitting a vendor based in Sydney Australia.
Not only was the vendor upside down, but he was shocked when I told him that I managed to get his e-commerce software working within a Virtual Machine using a copy of Windows Server 2008 running on a cast-off desktop computer sitting in a stock room "down the hall".
The vendor's software was Everest E-Commerce software which is used in many large scale "shopping carts". I managed to get this "heap of code" working despite the admission of the support person down in Oz saying that he couldn't believe that it could be installed by an "end user" let alone within a copy of Microsoft Virtual PC 2007.
Yes, it worked.
Yes, it worked well in a very strange environment.
Yes, I'm kind of pleased with that.
So when I go hit a website to shop, I have a very good idea of how things should work.
Today I had a "coupon code" for JCPenney. Oooh Discounts! No worries, I have some polo shirts that are comfortable but embarrasingly old. I keep them because I like how they fit, not how they look and I realize they should be used to wax the car...
We all have a few.
I went to the web site and begun to order. The product was a shirt, it came in five sizes, it came in around 10 or so colors.
There were a stack of pull downs to the right of the picture. You select your shirt (Solid Pique), You select your size (Large, I'm a tall dude), and you select your color (Started with something called Bayview). Click add to shopping cart.
Woo hoo, one shirt ordered. It greyed the window, placed one of those light boxes with what you just did and gave the option for you to go back and order more.
Ok, I had a coupon code to knock off $10 bucks if you order 6 so I was going to order six. I needed them and it gave me an excuse to wax my car with those old shirts...
Problem 1.
That picture had a color selection strip below. Hover over the color and it would light box a small square of the color. Oooh. Click on it, and the shirt changed to the color you wanted. Ok, so far so good. The problem was that it didn't update the pulldown for the selection you wanted. This may be by design, I concede that you may not always want that selection pulldown to be changed, but I would do so. Makes it faster for that person sitting out in their living room with the feet up on the coffee table to order what you're selling and not to close the window in confusion.
Problem 2.
Now that I've found the color that will adorn my 48 inch chest, and realized that the pulldown does not match the sample, I've corrected that in the pulldown. Click Order. The screen repaints. I'm confused, I said I really did want this in Oatmeal, why are you not telling me that I have another shirt in my shopping cart. Scratching my head, I scroll downwards and see a red stripe saying this item is out of stock.
If it's out of stock, why present it on the web page? It's like saying we have this but you don't and you never will but isn't it a pretty shirt?
While the first problem I could say isn't really a problem, this one is.
However, had I been designing the product I would have flagged this as an error for correction in the next release - Change the Error Message to a different color, and do not show selections that are out of stock.
The latter is obviously more important. It should not have taken me 15 minutes to get the order completed on a high speed network link.
Ok, admittedly, I got what I wanted, it wasn't a Terrible Experience. This was one of those things like "ok, son, (pat on head) we'll get it right later, now go finish your homework" kind of experiences.
Besides, I really do like JCPenney. I'm generally able to find what I am looking for both in the store and online. It just hit me that (patting the kid on the head) it's almost there.
Basically if you think of a software development shop, I've done it. Including User Experience and Search Engine Optimization, I've got a very broad background.
I had a position where I was hired as a Software Project Manager. They used my Network Admin (My direct report) as a fill in at in Information Booth that I ended up Specifying, Procuring, and Deploying a brand spanking new Server using Windows Server 2008 and SQL Server while babysitting a vendor based in Sydney Australia.
Not only was the vendor upside down, but he was shocked when I told him that I managed to get his e-commerce software working within a Virtual Machine using a copy of Windows Server 2008 running on a cast-off desktop computer sitting in a stock room "down the hall".
The vendor's software was Everest E-Commerce software which is used in many large scale "shopping carts". I managed to get this "heap of code" working despite the admission of the support person down in Oz saying that he couldn't believe that it could be installed by an "end user" let alone within a copy of Microsoft Virtual PC 2007.
Yes, it worked.
Yes, it worked well in a very strange environment.
Yes, I'm kind of pleased with that.
So when I go hit a website to shop, I have a very good idea of how things should work.
Today I had a "coupon code" for JCPenney. Oooh Discounts! No worries, I have some polo shirts that are comfortable but embarrasingly old. I keep them because I like how they fit, not how they look and I realize they should be used to wax the car...
We all have a few.
I went to the web site and begun to order. The product was a shirt, it came in five sizes, it came in around 10 or so colors.
There were a stack of pull downs to the right of the picture. You select your shirt (Solid Pique), You select your size (Large, I'm a tall dude), and you select your color (Started with something called Bayview). Click add to shopping cart.
Woo hoo, one shirt ordered. It greyed the window, placed one of those light boxes with what you just did and gave the option for you to go back and order more.
Ok, I had a coupon code to knock off $10 bucks if you order 6 so I was going to order six. I needed them and it gave me an excuse to wax my car with those old shirts...
Problem 1.
That picture had a color selection strip below. Hover over the color and it would light box a small square of the color. Oooh. Click on it, and the shirt changed to the color you wanted. Ok, so far so good. The problem was that it didn't update the pulldown for the selection you wanted. This may be by design, I concede that you may not always want that selection pulldown to be changed, but I would do so. Makes it faster for that person sitting out in their living room with the feet up on the coffee table to order what you're selling and not to close the window in confusion.
Problem 2.
Now that I've found the color that will adorn my 48 inch chest, and realized that the pulldown does not match the sample, I've corrected that in the pulldown. Click Order. The screen repaints. I'm confused, I said I really did want this in Oatmeal, why are you not telling me that I have another shirt in my shopping cart. Scratching my head, I scroll downwards and see a red stripe saying this item is out of stock.
If it's out of stock, why present it on the web page? It's like saying we have this but you don't and you never will but isn't it a pretty shirt?
While the first problem I could say isn't really a problem, this one is.
However, had I been designing the product I would have flagged this as an error for correction in the next release - Change the Error Message to a different color, and do not show selections that are out of stock.
The latter is obviously more important. It should not have taken me 15 minutes to get the order completed on a high speed network link.
Ok, admittedly, I got what I wanted, it wasn't a Terrible Experience. This was one of those things like "ok, son, (pat on head) we'll get it right later, now go finish your homework" kind of experiences.
Besides, I really do like JCPenney. I'm generally able to find what I am looking for both in the store and online. It just hit me that (patting the kid on the head) it's almost there.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The City Should Just...
As walking through the city this weekend I kept hearing that beginning to a discussion. Usually it was the second or third sentence leading into what this City or another was doing wrong.
There's a problem with that logic. It is short hand. It's incomplete.
For example, this weekend was the Fourth of July weekend. Last night there were big fireworks displays in Fort Lauderdale, another in nearby Oakland Park, and lots of people including my neighbors were shooting them off. My dog was freaking out from the ones that whistle, and the bass note of the mortar shells that set off the "Chrysanthemums".
Beautiful night if you're not a dog or your breathing is normal. Mine is, she hated it. It's done and there's always a bit of a feeling of "Can We Do It Again?" when it is.
This person is one of those self professed "I will never go to Wilton Manors" people. Never mind that this took place on Wilton Drive ...
His thought was that Wilton Drive needed a fireworks display. "The City Should Just" pay for one. I immediately said "Small city, only 12000 people, how are we going to pay for a professional one?". At the same time, another friend responded "They used to have one and it got too expensive.".
In this time of austerity and the Republican Induced Great Depression we're in, my thoughts are that any new services that are to be provided by any government agencies must be revenue neutral or revenue positive.
In other words if they spend a buck, they need to get that buck back or more.
A fireworks display is a wonderful thing but really difficult to put a price on. It's frightfully expensive with insurance, professional people to set up the display and then break it down after it's been fired. It can be visible for miles, so why would someone want to pay for admission for something like that when they can stand back a block and get "almost as good a show".
When I was a kid we could stand in my front yard and see the fireworks from neighboring Haddonfield, 3 miles away. When I got older, I'd drive to the park at Cooper Creek near Cuthbert Road and see Philadelphia's fireworks reflect on the creek as well as five different smaller displays from Haddonfield, Haddon Township, Oaklyn, Pennsauken, and Cherry Hill in New Jersey. Believe me THAT was beautiful. Not one but SIX professional fireworks displays at once. You didn't know where to look to "ooooh!".
12000 people in the city. Some people look at fireworks as a nuisance. Should we pay for a fireworks display with their money? Who decides what kind of a display you get and how big? How much per person do we spend?
There are a lot of decisions that a small city would make if they were the big city in the county, but the decision really would come down to what is more important. There's a certain Sewage Lift Station that comes to mind that will need replacement shortly and that's where I'd spend that money.
There are some serious benefits to living in a small town or a small city, there are also limitations. It's all about Balance. Choosing what is important to a Tourist isn't necessarily important to someone who uses their town as a bedroom community.
But the Tourists don't vote, except with their feet.
There's a problem with that logic. It is short hand. It's incomplete.
For example, this weekend was the Fourth of July weekend. Last night there were big fireworks displays in Fort Lauderdale, another in nearby Oakland Park, and lots of people including my neighbors were shooting them off. My dog was freaking out from the ones that whistle, and the bass note of the mortar shells that set off the "Chrysanthemums".
Beautiful night if you're not a dog or your breathing is normal. Mine is, she hated it. It's done and there's always a bit of a feeling of "Can We Do It Again?" when it is.
This person is one of those self professed "I will never go to Wilton Manors" people. Never mind that this took place on Wilton Drive ...
His thought was that Wilton Drive needed a fireworks display. "The City Should Just" pay for one. I immediately said "Small city, only 12000 people, how are we going to pay for a professional one?". At the same time, another friend responded "They used to have one and it got too expensive.".
In this time of austerity and the Republican Induced Great Depression we're in, my thoughts are that any new services that are to be provided by any government agencies must be revenue neutral or revenue positive.
In other words if they spend a buck, they need to get that buck back or more.
A fireworks display is a wonderful thing but really difficult to put a price on. It's frightfully expensive with insurance, professional people to set up the display and then break it down after it's been fired. It can be visible for miles, so why would someone want to pay for admission for something like that when they can stand back a block and get "almost as good a show".
When I was a kid we could stand in my front yard and see the fireworks from neighboring Haddonfield, 3 miles away. When I got older, I'd drive to the park at Cooper Creek near Cuthbert Road and see Philadelphia's fireworks reflect on the creek as well as five different smaller displays from Haddonfield, Haddon Township, Oaklyn, Pennsauken, and Cherry Hill in New Jersey. Believe me THAT was beautiful. Not one but SIX professional fireworks displays at once. You didn't know where to look to "ooooh!".
12000 people in the city. Some people look at fireworks as a nuisance. Should we pay for a fireworks display with their money? Who decides what kind of a display you get and how big? How much per person do we spend?
There are a lot of decisions that a small city would make if they were the big city in the county, but the decision really would come down to what is more important. There's a certain Sewage Lift Station that comes to mind that will need replacement shortly and that's where I'd spend that money.
There are some serious benefits to living in a small town or a small city, there are also limitations. It's all about Balance. Choosing what is important to a Tourist isn't necessarily important to someone who uses their town as a bedroom community.
But the Tourists don't vote, except with their feet.
Monday, July 4, 2011
The Sharing Of Marriage - Humor
When I read it, I did get a laugh out of it and I'm sure you will too.
Thank Velma, it's another one with her seal of approval and mine.
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped, the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal
Obviously they were thinking, ' That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. '
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again cameover to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ' What is it you are waiting for? ' She answered –
' THE TEETH. '
Sunday, July 3, 2011
New Lyrics for Old Songs - Humor
New Wine in Old Bottles, New Words for old Songs. This time, it's new for old favorites. Enjoy your weekend!
Music is changing as we get older-
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday.
___________________________________________
They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
___________________________________________
Herman's Hermits---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
___________________________________________
Ringo Starr---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends?
___________________________________________
The Bee Gees-- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
___________________________________________
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face??
___________________________________________
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?
___________________________________________
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
___________________________________________
The Commodores---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
___________________________________________
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?
___________________________________________
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
___________________________________________
The Temptations--- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
___________________________________________
Abba---Denture Queen
"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?
___________________________________________
Tony Orlando---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
___________________________________________
Helen Reddy---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
___________________________________________
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
___________________________________________
And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson---
On the Commode Again
Saturday, July 2, 2011
A Pope Joke For You
Actually it was billed as a "Poop Joke" but my friend who sent it can't spell either.
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
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