I sent my hearing aids out for repair three weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything since!

 Close shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum. "The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does. "

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was new each week, so he always did the same tricks. The problem was, the captains pet parrot saw all the shows an led began to understand how the magician did every trick.

It started squawking in the middle of the show, “Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the axe of spades?"

The magician was furious, but, as it was the captain's parrot, there wasn't much he could do about it.

Then, one day, the cruise shop ran aground and sank. The magician found himself cast adrift on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing.

Finally, the parrot said, "Ok, I give up. Where's the boat?"