Wildlife in Urban South Florida is More Common Than You Might Expect.

Living in South Florida, you live closer to wildlife than you do in many places.  I have explained this to many a good friend from more urban cities up North.

I regularly "shoo" ducks off the property.

There are foxes and coyotes in the area.  While I have never heard a 'yote howl, I have heard from the local notables, to expect them.

I have seen Raccoons and Opossums on my back porch.  The "Lanai" seems to be a highway for critters. 

Those two we leave alone.  They are beneficial even if they do soil the pool backsplash more often than I prefer.  One Opossum did not like me on the back porch one day.  I spoke to it in my best Steve Irwin impression "Go on, mate, you'll be right, go find your way!".  She did and I went on about my business turning on the irrigation.  After all, Opossums are beneficial and will eat the ticks if they find them.

We've got literal flocks of cherry headed amazon parrots here.  I heard they are native to Puerto Rico and are getting rare there.  But the green gems are here and I talk to them on the walks.

Speaking of flocks, there isn't a day I get to see a Monarch Butterfly.  It's because we refuse to spray the lawn for bugs, and I have planters with Milkweed all over the property.   Including the one on the front porch that I have a cage built over them.   I want the seeds.

Did Someone Loose A Rooster?  Because the neighborhood has been adopted by one, magnificent in black with a red comb.  You know he's there because he is calling frequently before dawn looking for company. 

On my last trip down before we moved here, I took Lettie to a park in Dania Beach.  Great ice cream nearby, if you are coming down keep that in mind.  Also keep this in mind, there are alligators here.  I understand they can be mostly anywhere in the state, and this particular one took an interest in Lettie.

We left.  Immediately.  She survived a number of years longer.  We did look for the monkeys that are supposed to be in the trees there but they didn't want to tangle with the dog or the big ape descendant walking her.

I spotted two species of lizards in the yard just now, plus Green Iguanas.  Oh trust me, I would like to see a cold snap thin these herds.  Herds.  As in Jurassic Park herds of upwards of 5 foot long green beasts with an attitude running to be far from you.  I see them frequently at the park as I am riding past.  "Roaring" at them seems to move them along to bounce off the cyclone fence and into the interior where they can go about their iguana-tastic lives.   Away from me.  Off the trail with you!

Along with the flocks of birds that visit we've got tree frogs.  I'm happy that we don't have the Coqui that are native to Puerto Rico because they are quite loud.  The one I am thinking of is a tree frog that was not happy with me chasing it with a cell phone to get the picture.  It scampered from waist high to about 7 or 8 feet off the ground.

You don't see them during the day as they tend to dry out.  The temps here are not as hot as the big cities up North, but this being Tropics-adjacent, bring your sunscreen.  The tree frogs will taking cover during the day.  Shade only, no direct sunlight.

All of this can be seen on the five or so mile walks that I take during a day.  Forgetting the humans and the domestic animals that come with us, this is quite a crowded little place. 

I have a joke about statistical analysis but it’s mean.

 Sunday Morning.  Sun is just coming up and it is warm.  Time to escape to the park.  I'm Maintaining the Training even through a South Florida Summer today for a session on my inline skates.  My goal is 25,000 miles, I am at 24,619.  Once around the world at the equator is 24,904.

In Metric?  It's a Metric F-Ton of fun.



Ladies, remember the ducks.  If you need one, come on down to South Florida since we have the little monsters all over the place here.





 Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Nothing Tops A Plain Pizza.

 Well, yeah, nothing does.  Then you go to the fridge and get your favorite toppings.


 Elementary Genius

A female teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class of 3rd grade. The boy said "Ma'am, I should be in 4th grade, I'm smarter than my sis & she's in the 4th grade".

The M'am {Teacher} had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the Principal's office. She explained everything to the Principal who decided to test the boy with some questions that a 4th grade should know.

    Principal: What's 3+3? Boy: 6

    Principal: 6+6? Boy: 12

& so on..

The Principal asked the boy many questions and the boy got them right. The Principal then asked M'am to send the boy to 4th grade. M'am decided to ask some more questions & the Principal agreed.

    M'am: What does a cow have 4 of,that I've only 2 of? Boy: Legs

    M'am: What's in your pants that u have but I don't have? Boy: Pockets

    M'am: What starts with a C & ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut

    M'am: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge. Boy: Bubble Gum

    M'am: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. What am I? Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless

    M'am: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me 1st; what am I? Boy: Wedding Ring

    M'am: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose

    M'am: I've a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver Boy: Arrow

    M'am: What starts with 'F' & ends with a 'K' & if u don't get it, you've to use your hand? Boy:Fork

    M'am: Whats it that all men have,it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his & a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname

    M'am: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpin & is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart

The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher "Send the boy to University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself!"

Endurance Workout Strategies in Peak Summer are Different than Cooler Weather.

Endurance workouts are a strange beast.

You are out there.  On your own.  Hours pass by.  You finally decide "Ok, I'm done!" and head back home.  Or the trailhead.  Or the car.

You get in your own head space.  Yes, that's a real thing.  Trance like workouts.  You don't feel "the pain" you are inflicting on your body because beta endorphins are a wonderful aspect of all of this.

I have called it "Skate, The Movie" because once I get in the Zone, it is really like watching something on TV. 

You just "do" it.

Yes, I know that's a line from a sneaker ad.  Give me that.

But really you detach and you get to watch things happen as you are burning an awful lot of calories per hour.

1000 calories per hour of cycling, 1500 calories per hour of inline skating for me, personally.  Those numbers come from my own sport watch and are backed up via three separate sport analysis apps.

I do watch what I am doing.  Rather closely.  Always have.  The goal on skates is "once around the world at the equator" of 24,900 miles.  I'm getting close at 24,620.

This is the "Statistically Hottest Month of the Year".  Two weeks before, two weeks after August 7th, the heat is at its highest point.

What does that mean to you or me, an Endurance Athlete?

First, allow yourself flexibility.  If you need to take "a pause", do so.  Remember, you did not get where you are by overdoing it, even if others think you are overdoing it.  I know, confusing, right?

I was out there today.  27.3 miles on the bike.  There are many who do more miles in a workout.  I hold my distance down to what I can do in two hours.  I figure more than that and, in this heat, I am burning more than calories, I am probably burning muscle. 

We get days above 90F/32C, and will until October.  Typical Florida Summer.  65% relative humidity.  It is uncomfortable, but you do adapt.  Trust me, I have.

I have a 4.5 mile route.  7.25 Km.  I do 6 laps to get a marathon.  There's a little wiggle room in the distance.  Measurements are not perfect and we don't expect them to be.  There is always GPS.  Take your phone, load up some tunes, get into the groove, I do.

So instead of only taking one break in the middle of this workout, I pause twice.  Two water stops.  Bring the heart rate down and cool my heels.

That's the second suggestion I have.  Give yourself the option to take extra breaks and hydrate.  I can't say hydrate enough.  Stop and drink as much water as you need.  Then drink more.  You are more like a Steam Engine than you are a gas powered car. 
 

Today in the South Florida Steam Bath, I took an extra break.  I had my water stop, then went back at it.  I know that in the heat, I am less efficient at moving my own bulk, plus my equipment, around that loop.  The second water stop happened because I noticed my speed was dropping.   On my bike I have a lot of monitoring equipment.  Because I like to know what I am doing, I have a trail camera recording video.  The battery only lasts two hours.

That is something to consider.  When you measure your workouts in terms of multiples of hours, your battery may not last.  The camera does not.  The phone does.

Second water stop, I emptied my thermos on my head.  I bring two.  20 ounces of ice water, twice. 

Luckily there is a lot of water available at the park.  Four separate locations.  If you do not have that ability, your workouts will be limited by how much you can cart with you.  Sport bottles or a camelback.  They are a big help, trust me.

After that second stop, at 5 laps of the big park, I noticed my speed dropped down to what I would not consider a good rate.  Since I also monitor my heart rate, I consider it acceptable.  Your body does a good job at maintaining a balance.  If you can monitor your heart rate, you can know whether you are working out at peak.

That peak will vary due to conditions, and vary considerably.

Your maximum heart rate is your age subtracted from 220.  The target HR is 50-80% of that.  As an endurance athlete, I am able to maintain my HR at a peak of the maximum, and I typically workout at 90% of that maximum as an average.  When I tell that to health professionals, they typically are surprised but I have been doing it for years, and I am a "senior".  I do peak higher than that maximum frequently.

Finally fuel.  As in: what do you stuff in your face has a lot to do with how efficient you can convert all this to distance.  I aggressively monitor my diet on workout days and on rest days.  The "Carbo Load" I do before I workout won't take me through a 2-3 hour workout.  I always bring a snack for that first water stop.  Typically that snack is a couple of cookies or a power bar that I have on the bumper of my jeep. 

The quality of the Carbo Load is important.  On a workout breakfast, I try for as low a fat count as possible.  The reason is that I want to avoid Runner's Trots.  Unpleasant need for the rest room NOW because the body is trying to expel the fat you ate earlier.  So don't take it in.  This morning it was oatmeal with fruit and non-fat milk. 

You can have what you feel you need later.  I know I do.  There's a bag of potato chips calling to me from the kitchen.  I must need the salt.  The time to splurge is after the workout.  I did.

It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.

Short but sweet, and I have to say I like this woman's style!


 
 A Gorgeous Young Woman Is Standing At The Bar Of A Pub

She goes up to the man standing behind the bar and she grabs him by his magnificent and long straggly beard which goes way down past his waist

And she whispers to him in a seductive tone ‘are you the landlord?’

He says ‘no no, sorry, I’m just the barman- the landlord isn’t here just now’

As he answers, she keeps grabbing his beard, stroking it all over; tugging on it gently with every word as she whispers to him ‘do you know when the landlord will be back?’

He says ‘ehhhh no I’m not sure at all sorry’

And as she continues massaging his facial hair she says to him ‘okay… well when you see the landlord…. You can tell him, ….. there’s no paper towels in the ladies bathroom’.

An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.

Memento Mori.  There was a fashion in the old Roman Empire that had a person follow those who were well off.  He merely reminded those people "Memento Mori" or we all die.  Life Condition is Universal, and it is temporary.

Man, that's a lot more dark on a Saturday Morning than I need to be.  So I'm going to go to the kitchen and have a cookie. 

Thanks Lori!



 3 elderly men are in a nursing home talking about their bodily functions

The first man says “ I have so much trouble going number one. It comes out in spits and sputters and takes forever. I would give anything to have a good pee.”

The second man says “With me, it’s number two. I am so backed up. It’s horrible. I really need to take a good crap.”

The third man nods and says “Well for me, it’s all very regular. At 7AM every morning I do number one like a fountain. It comes out perfectly in flowing stream. And number two also happens at the same time, and my bowels empty completely, as smooth as flowing lava.”

The other two men look at each other, confused and ask “That doesn’t sound bad at all. What’s the problem?”

“The problem,” says the third man, “is that I don’t get out of bed until 9:30!”

Hillbilly Pie (Poor Man's Pie) - Direct From All Over The Web To My Kitchen

This recipe is just too simple not to try.  It came to me on Facebook.  However when I researched it, I just got dozens of hits with the same recipe.

How about that, must be good, so lets try it?

Think of this as a "Butter Bomb".  I will make it again but I will cut the butter back, most likely by 1/2.

I had a can of Peach Pie Filling on hand and since I am the only one in the house who likes Peach Pie, I used it.   Excellent!

Verifying the recipe, I also found comments that said that fresh fruit can be used on this in more than one place.

If you want it to be Vegetarian or Vegan, use Margarine and nut milk.  From a dietary standpoint, the Hydrogenation process that turns oil into Marge is not the best for your heart, but you knew that already!


Hillbilly Pie (Poor Man's Pie)
A simple, comforting dessert that’s easy to make and oh-so-delicious. Perfect for when you want a homemade treat with minimal effort!

 Ingredients:

• 1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter
• 1 cup self-rising flour (See Tip at the end if you don't have any)
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 1 cup milk
• 1 (12 oz) can fruit pie filling (cherry, apple, peach, or your favorite)

 Instructions:

•  Preheat the Oven: Set your oven to 350°F (175°C). Place the butter in an 8x8-inch casserole dish and let it melt in the oven while preheating.
  
  
•  Mix the Batter: In a mixing bowl, whisk together self-rising flour, sugar, and milk until smooth.
  
  
•  Assemble the Pie:  Remove the casserole dish with the melted butter from the oven. Pour the batter evenly over the butter—do not stir!
  
  
• Add the Filling: Spoon the fruit pie filling evenly over the batter. The filling will sink slightly as it bakes, creating delicious layers.
  
  
•  Bake:  Place the dish back in the oven and bake for 30 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown and cooked through.
  
  
•  Cool and Serve: Let the pie cool slightly before serving. Enjoy warm, either on its own or topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Servings: 6–8
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes

 Tips:
No Self-Rising Flour? Substitute with 1 cup all-purpose flour, 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder, and 1/4 teaspoon salt.

Try New Flavors: Experiment with different fruit fillings to find your favorite combo!

Not to egg you on, but rack your noodle and you can do it. There's mushroom for improvement.

 Ya know, a dad joke one liner is an amusing way to start the day.  Right kid?




 The frog and the loan

A talking frog shows up in the offices of a posh downtown Manhattan bank. He proceeds to ask a bank officer for a loan of $1 million.

Patty Whak , the loan officer , said she didn’t understand and he says “well, My name is Kermit and my father is Mick Jagger. We have banked at various branches of this institution several times .”

The loan officer still protested and said for that size of a loan they would need some type of collateral, so Kermit produced a small ceramic elephant and placed it on her desk.

Patty was very confused and excused herself to go speak with the manager carrying the trinket with her . When she relayed the crazy story to her manager, she showed him the small ceramic elephant and said “I don’t know what to do, what even is this?”

The bank manager replied “it’s a knickknack, Patty Whak. Give the frog a loan . His old man is a Rolling Stone. “

I’ll leave now….

I’ve trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine. He’s a Bordeaux collie.

As I sit here on an aging laptop contemplating my navel and how to repair a tiny USB C Port, I'll drop this beast of a story on you. 

For the laptop, I'm leaning towards removing the hard drive and simply mounting it in a new-to-me machine.  Just like the way we used to do things in the 1990s, Linux to the Rescue.



 The Scottish painter

There was a Scottish house painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint!* And thin no more!"*

Right Sized Brownies Recipe. Not Too Big, Not Too Small!

205+72+400+126+153 = 956

956 /  8 = 119.5

What that blather is about is a calorie estimate for a "right sized" brownie.

See, I needed a snack, that was between 100 and 200 calories.  I needed something that I would look forward to in the middle of a very intense workout.  I needed it to survive being in a closed Jeep Wrangler sitting in summer heat outside in a park in South Florida summer.

Brownies!

I also wanted a simple recipe.  Got it!  See below.

The realization was that all I needed to do was to cut the recipe into 8 pieces, put the batter into cupcake papers, and bake. 

12 minutes at 350F/175C and test with a toothpick.  That should be early, close the oven and retest in a wee bit.  When it is done, is when that toothpick comes out reasonably clean.  You probably will want to account for different oven "speeds" and adjust your cook time.

And finally, these were good.  I mean Gooooood.  I don't know what the common vegetarian/vegan substitutions are for eggs, so this is "conventional".  Martha Stewart to the rescue - this link suggests Banana/Applesauce/Yogurt at 1/4 cup per egg.

As always with substitutes, Your Mileage May Vary!

For each cupcake paper, use 1/8 of the batter.  In my case, it worked out to be 42 grams or 1.4 ounces.  It's also 3 tablespoons level and measured off the top of my head.

Also, this is a shameless copy of a recipe I put out about a month back.  I used an air fryer to cook it and while it was awesome, this method is more to my needs.

Note:  I measured everything with a gram scale.  I have one and it works well, however typically volumes are used.  Maybe next time, huh?

I followed the recipe below faithfully and got some wonderful treats.  It fell together in about 10 minutes.  Cooked in 15.

They. Were. Excellent!

Ingredients:

• 1/3 cup (42 grams) whole wheat flour or all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup (29 grams) Cocoa Powder (sifted if needed)
• 1/16 teaspoon salt (nobody has one of those, I eyeballed "half" of a 1/8 tsp)
• 1/4 cup plus 2 teaspoons (65 grams) coconut oil or unsalted butter (melted and slightly cooled)
• 1/2 cup (100 grams) granulated sugar or coconut sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 large egg (about 50 grams, out of shell)
• 1/4 cup (43 grams) chocolate chips, plus extra mini chips for the top

How to make them:

1. Prep your pan: Line cupcake pan with 8 cupcake papers.
2. Mix the dry ingredients: In a bowl, combine the flour, cocoa powder, and salt. Set aside.
3. Mix the wet ingredients: In a separate bowl, stir together the melted coconut oil or butter with the sugar and vanilla.
4. Once blended, mix in the egg until just combined.
5. Combine everything: Add the dry mix to the wet bowl a little at a time. Stir gently until almost no flour is visible. Fold in the chocolate chips.
6. Preheat the oven: Set it to 350°F (175°C).
7. Pour and top: Transfer the batter into your prepared pan. Sprinkle mini chocolate chips on top for extra gooeyness.
8. Cook for 12 to 20 minutes. The top should look set with a thin crust.
9. A toothpick in the center will come out a bit wet. The edges should have soft crumbs.
10. Cool before serving: Let them cool completely in the pan. They’ll continue to firm up as they sit.

If you give these a try, let us know how they turn out. They're dangerously easy to make.

No Snowflake Feels Responsible In An Avalanche

I just don't need to be reminded that Restaurants actually Exist.  Just came back from a half marathon (13.24 mi) on my Inline Skates.  Now I need to refuel.






 Sitting in a posh restaurant, a man spots a gorgeous blonde at the next table...

He spends ages checking her out, but doesn't have the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her.

"Oh,l am so sorry, the woman says as she pops the eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. Next morning, she cooks them both a gourmet breakfast.

The man is amazed. You are the perfect woman, he says. Are you this nice to every man you meet?"

"No,' she replies. You just happened to catch my eye."

Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

I have a dear friend who speaks often of Beef Stroganoff.  May she have all the Stroganoff she wants!


 
 My Girlfriend and Uncle Eddie

I called my girlfriend earlier today, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. So, I decided to call her from a coworker’s phone.

When someone picked up, I heard a sweet little voice say, “Hello?”

It was my girlfriend’s daughter.

I said, “Hey, honey! I’m at work. What are you and Mommy up to?”

She goes, “Well, I just ate a sandwich, and Mommy’s upstairs with Uncle Eddie.”

I paused. “Uncle Eddie? We don’t have an Uncle Eddie.”

She confidently replied, “Yes, we do! Uncle Eddie is upstairs with Mommy in the bedroom.”

At this point, my alarm bells were going off. Something was fishy.

So, I calmly asked, “Hey sweetheart, can you leave the phone downstairs, go upstairs, and tell Mommy that Daddy just pulled into the driveway?”

I heard little footsteps running upstairs. About 65 seconds later, she picked the phone back up.

I asked, “What happened?”

She said, “Mommy ran downstairs naked, but she slipped and fell. She’s not moving.”

I was like, “Oh, shoot… okay. What about Uncle Eddie?”

She replied, “Uncle Eddie jumped out of the window, but he barely missed the pool. He’s not moving either.”

And that’s when I realized…

We just lost two people today.

And I don’t have a pool.

So, I hung up the phone… because that was the wrong number.

Congratulate me, It's A Boy And A Girl, And they're Orange and Black. More Monarchs Visit Me.

Ok, I'll admit it, good idea, poor execution.

The cage I slapped together did keep Momma Monarch away from my personal stash of Milkweed.  What it didn't do is keep Momma's little babies from wandering in and eating their fill.

What is this blather?

Lather, rinse, and repeat. 

In this case what I had done wrong was to leave some exposed Milkweed on my front porch.  I used up my supply of hardware cloth to build an ugly steel cage around my personal Milkweed. 

Caterpillars don't share.  Just ask any farmer.  The milkweed I left on the porch drew lots of Monarchs.  Beautiful critters, really.  That is why I plant and propagate the stuff, to help the butterflies. 

Very low effort hobby.  I can watch the little beauties fly in on the breeze from my easy chair in the front room of my house.  Momma floats on in, finds the exposed Milkweed, drops an egg on a leaf, and moves on to the next plant.

In reality she drops a couple eggs and lets Darwin take charge.  You hatch first, you get the tasty leaves.  You hatch last, you get eaten by a brother or sister who eats the plant you are stuck under.

It has worked for millennia this way.  I can't change them. 

You see the issue.  My personal stash within the milkweed cage was adjacent to the exposed plants.  The caterpillars hatched, ate those plants, then moved on to mine.

Only two caterpillars got in the cage, and ate about half of my milkweed.  Greedy little beauties.

They left their jade colored chrysalis behind.  One was inside the cage, the female.  The male came back out of the cage and wandered up the leg of a plastic chair on my porch.

Both did hatch from the pupa.  Both fledged and flew away. 

My neighborhood in the land named after flowers has lots of butterfly friendly flowers.  Who knows, maybe my butterfly's children generations removed may come back and grace my yard.

Hopefully I will get my seeds that I was looking for in the first place.  You know, so I can grow some more milkweed?

Greedy little beauties that you are.

Just leave me a little, Huh?