Bunch of scumbags stole 20 crates of Red Bull from my local store...
I don't know how those bastards sleep at night..
I called the police to report my toilet had been stolen
they said I had nothing to go on
Why does everyone stay away from 288?
It's just two gross
My friend threw a can of coke at my head today...
Luckily it was a soft drink.
Imagine if it had been a hard liquor
Liquor? I barely know 'er!
Jokes on him. I like Pepsi
What do you call the teachings of a duck?
I was told I was a schizophrenic...
Me and the voices in my head disagreed.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "CONTROL FREAK WHO"!!
Have you seen the documentary on camouflage?
Nope, I can't seem to find it.
Sir John and Chung Lee walking in front of the Buckingham palace
Chung Lee says: "When I see all these flags, my heart fills with joy!"
Sir John:"But you are a Chinese national only visiting the United Kingdom, how so?"
Chung Lee:"Did you ever read the labels on the flags?!"
Why did the single parking attendant cross the road?
To get to meter
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me".
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours".
...always take things literally.
Why did Phillip cross the road?
To fill-up the other side