Guaranteed to make you groan somewhere!
I found a girlfriend who's into bees.
She's a keeper.
Why is a calculator my best friend?
Because I can always count on it.
I hear Kim Jung-Un has read every book ever written...
That's why they call him the Supreme Reader.
What did the scientist say when he got hit with gamma waves?
Ouch! That Hertz.
Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!
Son: Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?
Mom: Of course not!
Son: Well, neither would he.
I had to write an essay on plagiarism today
I couldn't think of anything so I just copied the guy sitting next to me
I just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I burn brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why do birds make good presidents?
Because they have both a right wing and a left wing!
My wife found a constitution under the bed
She doesn't believe that I just read it for the articles.
Three men are standing before The Pearly Gates...
One a tramp, another a teacher, the other, a lawyer.
St. Peter says - To enter, each of you must answer a question.
So he asks the tramp - "Which year did the Titanic sink?" Fortunately,
the tramp has seen the movie, and answers correctly, "1912".
He's allowed to enter.
Then the teacher. "How many people died?" The teacher, specializing in history , answers, "1503".
He too, is allowed to enter.
Then to the lawyer. "Name them".
What do they eat in South Korea?
How did the chocolatier escape police custody?
He had a few twix up his sleeve.
What do you call it when a clown does something nice?
A kind jester.