My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun...
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance. "Quiet woman! I'm hunting CIA spies in our kitchen!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no CIA spies in the kitchen!".
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked. "I guess you're right! Man, I must look like and idiot!" I said.
The Alexa laughed.
I shot the Alexa.
Why is ground beef so popular?
Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.
Two snowmen are walking through a field when one turns to the other one and asks, "do you smell carrots?"
Jill broke her finger today.
But on the other hand she was completely fine.
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
My friend held a bottle of water above his head, started counting and breathing heavily
I asked him what he was doing and he said "practising breathing underwater"
I sea water you doing.
Whale I don't under stand.
This is quite clearly funny
I tried catching a jar of fog today
You can never beat your wife!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Three friends stood in a field
Three friends, Jack, John and Jim were standing in a field, chatting. Overhead, a military plane flew past.
On the plane were three soldiers. The first threw an apple out of the plane. "It's rotten," the lad claimed. The second threw an orange out of the window. "It's too sour," he spat. The third threw a grenade out of the craft. "It's a dud," he firmly stated.
Down below, two of the boys were crying while one was laughing hysterically.
John asked Jack, rubbing his head, "Why are you crying?", to which the latter replied, "An apple hit me."
Then Jack asked John, "Why are you crying too?", and he replied, "An orange hit me."
Both of them turned to Jim, who was doubled over laughing. They both asked, "Why are you laughing?"
Jim, still in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, said, "That building over there exploded when I farted."