Sunday, May 14, 2017

Ten Quick Jokes, and One Short Story

A very handsome man has a terrible accident.

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.
Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up.

While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

What do cats have for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!  or  Pancakes they make them from scratch.

If two vegetarians get into a fight, would it still be called a beef?
Not sure, depends on what's at steak.
It's hard for vegetarians to meat half-way.
They are not ones to mince their words.
Lettuce not get ahead of ourselves.
But they have to fight it out, people shouldnt stew on things
Squash match

Never open up your heart to a cardiac surgeon...
Let them do it for you. It's their job.

Lunch hour.

“My Darling,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend for lunch.”
“What? Are you crazy?” The wife replied. The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, and I am not going to prepare any meal.”
“I know that” husband replied.
“So why did you invite him then”? She asked.
“Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

A rookie cop is sent to monitor a speed trap for hours...
Finally near the end of his shift a car blows by at 80 mph.
He pulls over a teenager and tells him, "I waited all day for you to get here."
The teenager replies: "I got here as fast as I could."

How many golf balls does it take to fill a school bus?
Enough to make the children want to get off.

You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons
...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...
On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

What’s the difference between a new husband....
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A computer once beat me at chess
but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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