I’m so glad I wasn’t born in Germany because I can’t speak German.

 


A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”




A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars.

Realizing that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless.



An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in.
As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter.
The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it.
The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.
Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"


What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.
Oh the pot of glue? I figured you’d get stuck there.


A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.
The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.
The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everything’s working again.

A week later, the guy’s invoice reaches the owner - $5000. The owner is outraged. 5 grand for drawing one measly X mark. He writes a letter demanding an itemized bill, so he could ‘review expenses’.
The expert obliges. His itemized bill goes as follows -

    X mark - USD 1.00

    Knowing where to put it - USD 4,999.00