What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

Perfect day for that thing sitting on your porch to get squashed?  Maybeeeee!




How do you make a boat feel better????
Give it some vitamin sea!





I feel really sorry for pregnant elephants. 

A really long gestation period, but nobody ever talks about the elephant in the womb.



Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.





I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".





My First Night in Prison.

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said: You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......

I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......

You touch me and I will kill you........

I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am already married.