The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

 Today, The Voices are telling me it's a day to get out and get on the bike.  The Voices on the Weather sites are telling me to be damn careful.  12 mph winds gust 27 and temp 71f do not bode well for an easy day at the park.  Heading West will be real fun though with that gusty tail wind.

For the Imperially Impaired, it's damn fast gusts.  20 kph/44 k gusts.  Temps at 21C are quite pleasant.

Bah.  Get off the chair and do something other than a caffeine and carbo load, right?  Lead, Follow, or Get Out Of The Way, right?  That's what you tell yourself, right?

Ok, into the Big Black Iron Box and go ridey up to the park.  Just going to leave this bit of "humor" here for you to, ahem, enjoy!




 A guy in a fancy restaurant starts throwing up

The waiter comes running to the table, asking what's wrong, but the customer, still gasping for air, just points at the large soup bowl on the table, and waves his hand as to say that it's spoiled.

Having just brought the soup out fresh from the kitchen, the waiter is convinced there's nothing wrong with the soup, so he takes a clean spoon, and confidently tastes a spoonful, but immediately he starts throwing up.

Hearing the commotion, the chef comes running from the kitchen, asking what's wrong, but the waiter, still gasping for air, just points at the large soup bowl on the table, and waves his hand as to say that it's spoiled.

Having just made the soup out of fresh, high quality ingredients, the chef is convinced there's nothing wrong with the soup, so he takes a clean spoon, and confidently tastes a spoonful, but immediately he starts throwing up.

At this point, the customer has finally caught his breath, and says:

"I'm sorry! I tried to tell you, I threw up in the soup!"

What do you call a diamond and an antique tube radio out on a date? Radiocarbon dating.

 Back In The Day, when I was a boring kid, I used to sit on the couch at Mom's House and build radio equipment to keep my mind occupied.  

Once in a while I consider how easy it was to do that and realize that really there isn't much worth listening to on AM radio here in Flakey Florida.

Since my "Support Team" has returned from London, I have a story for you.

 Peak Level Trolling

When Walter Cronkite was a news reporter in London during WWII, he eventually accrued enough respect, influence and privilege to be admitted on a provisional basis to some of the best clubs in London.

What they didn't know was he was a compulsive prankster. 

One night, while he was dining in one of the most exclusive clubs in the city, coincidentally a group consisting of most of the Royal Family came in and were seated. 

After a sufficient length of time had passed and they were settled in, Cronkite signalled a passing waiter, discreetly pulled a white envelope from his suit pocket, placed it on the waiter's silver tray and asked he deliver it to the Royal party. 

The Prince at the head of the table received the envelope with suitable dignity, opened it and found the following message inside: "The management requests that you and your party quietly leave".

I thought I wanted a career, but as it turns out I just wanted pay checks.

 And that, fellow babies, would describe, perfectly, my opinion of every manager I have ever worked under.

On the other hand, there were a very few excellent people that I have worked WITH, and usually they were at my level or just below it.

You can take that wherever you like.  I shall take it to the park and go ride around the giant gas bag on a chilly morning in Florida.







 Pet Fish!

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving Galveston beach when a game warden stopped him.

The warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!"

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the beach, let them swim around for about a half-hour, and when I whistle, they jump back into my buckets. We do this every night."

"That’s the biggest load of hooey I’ve ever heard," said the warden.

"No, really," the man said. "Here, I’ll show you."

And he releases the fish into the ocean.

They wait. Minutes go by.

The warden says, "Well?"

The man replies, "Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

The man says, "Call who back?"

The warden snaps, "The fish!"

And the man shrugs and says, "What fish?"

Rack Makes me Take a Break and Find a Monarch Chrysalis

I have been working on getting a "New-To-Me" laptop set up a little too hard all week.  Hearing the doorbell at the back door sound, I am taking a break.

I walk through the house muttering at the problem, and see my own problem child looking at me wanting to go outside.  "Rack wants out again."

Lately it is every hour in the morning, every two hours in the evening.  Time for Yet Another Perimeter search.

It is mid afternoon.  Bright sun.  We're in the dry season in South Florida.  I haven't seen a "proper" rain in about 6 weeks.  The weather service keeps promising me some but I'm not believing it. 

Stopping at the control for the irrigation system, I decide to give the backyard pots a blast of water.  "Ten Minutes on Zone 3" I say to nobody in particular.  Rack can't hear well at 14 anyway.

I start at the backdoor and work my way out inspecting each little bubbler on each plant pot.  Hibiscus, Avocado, Ginger, Mango.  

What's this?  

On a pot that has a moth-eaten collection of things that involuntarily popped up, I'll call it a weed, there's this little jade colored jewel.  It most likely was the cause of the plants there being moth-eaten.  I can't seem to get a milkweed go to seed let alone flower.

"I guess that's why I plant the stuff."

On a given day I can walk outside, follow Rack out around the pool, and see five different species of butterfly.  The Monarch Chrysalis is just one of them, a gift for the future. 

Now that it is the Holiday Season, I am hoping that I will get some more Poinsettia when I go on the dog walks.  Between Xmas and New Year's, two years back, I got my plant.  Today I bumped the pot and it got replanted.  Who knows if that will survive.  I have great luck at propagation and replanting, but Poinsettia tend to not like to be disturbed.

Some plants don't.  I have a host of plants out there, all on ground water irrigation, that will go into the ground eventually.

Until then, they will protect the little jade green jewel from exposure, and promise a future for a wee little monarch.

I've got some good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people's heads.

 Hey, I have been living my life so that things I say are over other's heads so why not this huh?

Time for a little Distro Hopping.  Playing around with a beautiful laptop (i7, 16gb, 500gb, and too many pixels for me to read) and need a new challenge.  I cut my teeth on Red Hat Enterprise Linux, and while Debian is smooth as silk, I want "different".

Anyway....





 A businessman calls up and asks the housekeeper if he can talk to his wife.

"Señor, it breaks my heart to have to tell you this, but your wife is right now engaged in making passionate love with your best friend."

"What?! They're doing what?! Listen, I want you to do this right now, and I don't want you to hesitate. I want you to go to my bedroom closet and I want you to find my gun. And I want you to kill both of them!!"

"Señor!! I cannot do that!!"

"You want me to call immigration? Do it!!"

She puts down the phone, and he hears two shots fired. She picks up the phone and says, "Señor, I have done as you asked."

"That's fine. What did you do with the gun?"

"Señor, I have thrown the gun into the pool."

"The pool? Is this 323...9...7...2...8?"

Cop pulled me over today for speeding. He said he had been waiting for someone like me all day...

I said well i got here as fast as i could! 

Thanks, Em!  :)



 An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.

He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.

“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”

“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food and bulbs stocked.”

“Ah yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”

“And that is?” the young man asked.

“Just turn off the lantern.”

If I Don't Keep My Feet On The Coffee Table, Rack Will Want Outside, And I Will Wait Again.

Some days I realize I spend the entire time waiting on this furry little monster.

Oh sure, I'm still in my "off days" mentality.  My "support team" is out of commission so I can't train like normal.

Well, normal for me.  For you it may be excessive, but it's my groove and I want my groove back, Stella.

I'm between dog walks now.  Up before 5AM.  I take two walks before most people get to work.  Looking at my watch, it says that I had "6.00 Km" of distance.  Roughly 3.6 Miles for the Metrically Challenged. 6500 steps and it is not yet 8AM.

That second walk is because I dared to laugh at a viral picture and my foot hit the floor.

Rack, The McNab SuperDog (TM), literally leapt to his feet and practically ran to the back door wanting Out! Now!.  

Fine, Dog, I'll get up.  Rinse the mug out in the sink so I can pour the coffee grounds into the garden.  "Gardener's Gold" it was told to me years back and I can't forget that.  What passes for soil here in South Florida is Coral.  Beach sand.  Not very nourishing.

Actually, Rewind that a little.  There are always quirks but this Dog is forcing me to realize that my days home are waiting on him to finish things.  I'm up early and I put on the CBC on the internet radio so I can listen to the news.  

If I do it right, I am able to get things done, but it is never completely right.  So I have to go outside and stare at the dog so he gets things done instead.  I'm standing in the yard with nothing on but a pair of boxer shorts waving my arms in the air saying "Go On!".  

It is a secluded yard but with our two week winter approaching, I know I'll have to dress for that.

There is a cat that is trying to colonize the yard and we won't have that.  I'll disabuse that cat of that attitude if I can, but meanwhile, Rack isn't being so SuperDog and he's afraid of the yard now.

After that, we have a weird ritual.  Feeding him.  He's not a morning person and will simply sit down and ignore his food.  That can take upwards of 45 minutes for what at the next feeding takes under 3.  "You definitely are not a Lab, are you?"

Finally he finishes, we go out into the predawn gloom.   In all reality, this allows me to enjoy the cool morning air.  I get to see things not everyone does.  Step outside, look East toward the sunrise yet to come.

When I am back at training, I rush through this ritual and cut the walk short, but I have seen things like the morning skies doing an impression of the South Carolina State Flag.  The state scares me as being too redneck, but South Carolina has a rather nice flag.  Crescent Moon over a Palmetto Tree.

Coming home, it's back into the kitchen.  Having a high metabolism, basically like at the level of a high school teenager athlete, means I am constantly grazing.  So I am up and down all day and every time feet hit the floor, I have twin brown laser beams following me into the kitchen, asking for some.  

Thankfully I can say "Not For Dogs" and he understands he isn't getting even a sample.  

That doesn't mean I have freedom from twin brown laser beaming eyes.  I've even had to go into the laundry behind closed door to get something for myself.

The ritual is feet hit the floor.  Rack runs to the door.  I let him out and he wanders around watering my Hibiscus.  Normally I can have enough time to maintain my carboload before he comes back.   If he takes two steps out, turns around, that damn cat is back in the yard and I won't have peace.  So back outside, hopefully wearing more than just the boxers, so he can have his time.

Twice a week there is the ritual of making his food.  Of course I am in and out of the refrigerator getting ingredients.  He waits.  He knows that there is going to be the frozen peas.  Then he will get a small handful of them in his bowl.  Until then, more staring.  Tasty Green Ice Balls!

Thinking of that, I wait.  It could be worse, he's well behaved, we can actually leave food out on the counters, but I will get stared down.

Finishing the first glass of Iced Tea I want a second.  Feet hit the floor.  Dog runs to the back door.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat.  I let him out and make that second glass.  In the time he takes to do a circuit of the yard, I answer two texts, seat and fit test the active noise cancelling earbuds, and get set up on the rocker for later activities.  Check that door, he's still wandering.  Too early in my book for that next snack.

I'm waiting.  It's a feedback loop.  It is a cycle of this doing things and waiting on the dog to finish his thing.  I could break that.  The house needs vacuuming.  Since it is cooler, the windows have been open and the breezes are predictably from front to back of the house.  That chases the fur balls out from under the furniture and tells me I have a task to do.

Or so I tell myself.  Actually, it gives me a break.  Someone furry doesn't like the vacuum, most dogs do not.  Open the hall closet, drag out the vacuum, and Rack is up, trotting into the bedroom closet for a hiding place and waiting on me for a change.

Ahhh back on top again, like a proper Apex Predator!  Soon!  I shall have a clean house!  Until then, You get to wait on Me!

I have a meat cutters joke, but I'd probably butcher it.

 I'm sitting in the big green chair.  I'm also getting dirty looks from Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) to go yet again for a walk.  Since the Coffee was excellent this morning and I'm feeling my Caffeine, I think I'll just leave this here to thaw out like the bun on the counter waiting for breakfast.



 
 A man wakes up one morning and farts. It sounds like "Honda!"

This puzzles him, so he does it again. "Honda!"

He makes an appointment with his doctor to get that checked out. When he demonstrates for the doctor (Honda!) the doctor says "Don't worry; I've seen this before. Go down the hall, three doors to the left and see the dentist."

"Dentist!" says the man. "This has nothing to do with my teeth!"

The doctor says "Trust me; I've seen this before." So the man goes down the hall and demonstrates for the dentist: (Honda!)

The dentist says that he's seen this before and asks him to sit in the chair. He pulls a rotten tooth and shows it to the man. "Look, this tooth was rotten." The man farts again and it sounds perfectly normal!

He says "This is insane. How do you explain this?"

The dentist looks him straight in the eye and tells him "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."



While I will say that fart jokes are juvenile, they are indeed universal.  Even Gorillas laugh at the sound of them and since they are huge and vegetarian, I would suspect they hear them frequently.

Brappppp!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

 

Yes, this one is an antique.  And it is a bit ... morbid but hey you know me!




 Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime: "God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa."

He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). 

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the mailman drops dead on the steps...

 

Hey Snowbirds! Come get your weather, it's drunk and on my lawn and there is a Falling Iguana Alert.

I woke early.  Yeah, I know, what else is new.  I haven't even acclimated to the change to Eastern Standard Time yet.  

This was different.  I was cold and in bed.

I reached over to grab the phone, and of course it fell on the floor and woke the dog.  Looked at the conditions.  48 Degrees at a quarter to 5 in the morning.  9 Whole Degrees C.

YUCK.

I pulled the covers back over my head muttering something about the old saw of "I'm going to be a stereotype".  How do you spot a Floridian?  They're dressed in a coat and long pants at anything less than 70F.  Call that 21C in EuroSpec.

"Rack you have to wait, I need to put on clothes!".

My normal pre-dawn routine is to let Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) out into the yard.  It's secluded so I tend to do so in a pair of silk boxers.

Ok, not silk but synthetic and that's not important. 

I opened the back door when I put on the retro styled black jeans I got in the 1990s and chuckled that when the sun came up they'd warm me up.  Snarling at the cold winds falling off the roof I walked out with the dog.

Who proceeded to stand there and stare at the stars.

I put CBC Radio 1 on the headphones and caught the 5AM news bulletin while waving my hands in the air at the dog.

"Go on, boy!  Do your business!  I hate being out here!".

He walked about 10 feet away.

I started following him to get him out there doing his morning snuffle.

Checking the conditions again and shaking my head.  "Winds are 16MPH gust 25?" I say to nobody in particular.  Making my peace with it, I start the irrigation on the flowers and head inside.  

Rack was nowhere to be seen but I wasn't going to "freeze" out there waiting.

The house was cooling, it was only 70 indoors.  This box of rocks was going to get a blast of heat to see if the heater was working.  It had not been turned on since our last "cold" day back in March.  I was told that it is a 1200 Watt heater which to me is about the same as the blow dryers they used to sell and I use to dry out inline skate bearings when cleaning them out.

Can't have your bearings rust before they even get onto a wheel, can we?

But it is just enough to take the edge off the chill.  Many houses here don't even have heaters in them.  Air Conditioning is what made the summer heat tolerable here, and while I am well suited to the hot weather, August here is evil.

Having fed Mr Dog, I was hearing Michael Enright announce that I was listening to CBC Rewind featuring 75 years of archival programming from the vaults of the CBC.  Today I found myself listening to Cross Canada Checkup interview in 1985 with Frank Zappa on censorship in the record industry both in the US and Canada.

I also found myself agreeing whole heartedly with Mr Zappa as I walked around some more snowbirds.  I knew they weren't from here because here we were an hour and a half before sunrise.  I was in my motorcycle jacket, jeans, boots, and a sweatshirt swearing at the weather.  The snowbird was in shorts and a long sleeve shirt.

I muttered something rude under my breath about people from Up North need to dress for the conditions.  I am sure that the snowbird thought something similar about me.

I live about 8 miles south of the freeze line according to the weather service.  The coldest I have ever seen here in the 19 years I have lived in the Greater Fort Lauderdale Area was 34F.  1C.  I did once see a few flakes of snow flurries but it also could have been dust blown off the trees.

I have no proof either way, and I'll accept either explanation.

Of course up comes the news bulletin on the hour.  The end of the news was an item about the weather here.  Yes, we have a "Falling Iguana Alert".  They started, on CBC, talking about how Jacksonville was -2.  I was shocked, then after a mental 3 count, I realized they are Metric and it was 2 degrees C below freezing.  29F give or take.  Having a bit of a laugh, I was on a watch for falling iguanas through the rest of my walk.  No iguanas, yet.

I ran into a friend here who is a Police Sergeant.  Just returning from getting his coffee, he saw me out there trying not to lose my broad brimmed hat in the wind and said hello.  "Hey, Frank!  How about that ride-along?  Perfect day to get me out of the cold!".

I got a hearty laugh out of him as I wandered back towards the house into the wind.  Conditions here are pretty predictable.  Winds come from the East, generally, off the ocean and right down the street.   They're funneled down the canyon of the main drag.  If you drop something light, say a $20 bill on one side of town it will float on the breeze until it finds me bending down to pick it up on the West side of the central business district.

"No I didn't see what you dropped, can you describe it?"
"Sorry!  Can't help!"

I got Mr Dog back to the house and immediately started the kettle to make coffee.  It is a good day for a second cup.

Rack, to his credit, wanted to go back out to the yard.  Immediately.  So he could stare at the skies and watch the trees move.

I swear that dog must have been a stoner in a prior life.  He goes through the day looking at things and being amazed.

Me?  I just leave the sweatshirt on and go about my business.  Today is a good day to do a roast in the oven, you know.  Maybe a little roast pork for later.  It will help to warm up the house, just a bit.

Or so I tell myself.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 I have not started an actual fire in quite a while.  I used to have one of those grills that you would start the charcoal in a chimney with newspaper.  Always had paper on hand since I had parrots to line the cage but it would throw off the burgers if I used it.

And yes, I was not terribly effective in getting that chimney going.  Propane is so much easier.





 A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3 AM

The man got up and found a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” said the husband. “It’s 3:00 in the morning!” He slammed the door and went back to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he replied.

“Did you help him?” she asked.

“No, it’s 3 AM and pouring rain!” he grumbled.

“Well, you have a short memory,” said his wife. “Don’t you remember a few months ago when our car broke down and two strangers helped us? You should be ashamed. God loves drunk people too, you know!”

Feeling guilty, the man got dressed and went back out into the rain.

He called into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

“Do you still need a push?” asked the husband.

“Yes, please!” replied the voice.

“Where are you?” asked the man.

“I’m over here… on the swing!”

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 I have heard that particular quote many times.  I know, I researched it!

I have a teacher joke, but I have to explain it to you.




 A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it." 

When the Support Team is gone for a month, it is time for an enforced pause in the workouts.

I have had a good run this year.

No injuries, some skating, a lot of cycling.  One long break in July and right back to the workouts.  I'm on the way to 2500 miles on the bike this year.  I doubt 3000 miles is possible at my pace.

August.  Made it through the whole month.  August in South Florida can be punishingly hot.  The peak of that was stop at the car and dump a 20 ounce bottle of water all over myself and use the skin suit as an air conditioner.

Think of it as a big yellow swamp cooler.  Yeah, that's what I will call it, my spandex swamp cooler.

What this nonsense is all about is that my "Support Team" is on the way to London.  Right now, my feet are on the coffee table (don't tell 'Mom'), and the Team is in the Miami Airport waiting on an overnight flight.

I seem to get about a five or six month run between breaks so I am right on time now.  The next three weeks, I have to figure out what to do with myself so that I don't go nuts.  

Also, the normal pattern is well and truly shattered.

I tell people that I am an athlete.  Trainer level.  Dual Sport Athlete, Elite Inline Skater, Intermediate Cyclist.  I'll pause that since I don't want to give myself a bruise patting myself on the back.

What this blather all means is that I have to play hard with the rules of nutrition.  I am a fan of the theory of "Macronutrients".  Of course everyone has their own fine definitions of what that means, but in a nutshell, I have a tuned diet.

40% of calories from Protein.
30% each from Carb and Fat.

1 gram of Protein per KG of ideal body weight.  81 g protein.

Except that these next three weeks, I have to reduce the intake.  I'm doing a soft landing so I am reducing the food intake.

The truth be told, I have been doing this literally for decades.  When I was competitive inline skater "back in the day" in Philadelphia, I would get to October and begin to cut back of calories.  Going from the usual 700 calories per meal plus 200 for snacks, I would cut that back to about 550x3 and lose a snack.  Philadelphia winters were way too cold to inline skate even if I was stubborn.

One "last workout" I was on the Fairmount Park trail and hit an ice patch.  Nearly ended up in the Schuylkill River with an air temp of 25F.  On inline skates.  That would make it difficult to swim to shore, trust me.

The next year I spent the winter in the gym and it worked out well.

This year on The Break, I'm going to do long walks.  Today is only going to be about 12000 steps.  Tomorrow, I am dusting off the Bowflex and see if I can get an upper body workout going.  Weightlifting is always a good idea whether it is a substitute to a normal training regimen, or if it is actually your training regimen.

We will see.  I partially disassembled the thing when the house was being remodeled and I lost the assembly instructions.  I am good at fixing things even without documentation, but with all the injuries I have had over the last couple years, I have been hesitant to begin weightlifting.

Yeah, I know.  Weight bearing exercises build bone mass.  With the 18 or so screws I have holding my two clavicles and the titanium in my shoulder, I have a right to be hesitant.

So remember, fellow babies, if you are going to make a drastic change in your level of exercise, reduce your food intake.  You will hate it, but if it is a temporary pause, your body will thank you.

Besides, my legs were getting a bit large lately.  The three time weekly marathons on the bike built the quads and calf muscles up, and my muscle weight has been growing.  

The spandex compression shorts aren't compressing as much so I think it's been a good thing.

Stay tuned.  Until then, I have a lot of podcasts and comedy programming to get through.

If you are an Outdoor Sports kind of person, you know what I am getting at.  February in the Northern Hemisphere is not your friend.

But a pause is sometimes necessary whether for overtraining or for waiting for the support team.

What do you call a Wolf that has things figured out? Aware Wolf!

 The problem with having a file stuffed with one liners for topics?  You actually have to use them when they are timely or they just look stupid.

Go Fig!  A Stupid Dad Joke?  Naw!








Fact.

Star Wars was the first film to ban smoking on set.

The cast was still allowed to Chewbacca.




I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. 
There’s something fishy about that place.



I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s. 

I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…



This joke will pass.
Nah, it will give you gas for hours.
It may if you take it in minute portions!



Q: How long does it take to build a new data center?
A: Approximately one closed-door city council vote.
(From: The Onion)




Cleaning out my garage and realized someone must've stolen my limbo sticks.
Seriously.
How low can you go?



Today I got pulled over by a police officer. He said to me 'It seems like you've been drinking. Can you say the alphabet starting with M?'
I said, 'Malphabet.'

What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

Perfect day for that thing sitting on your porch to get squashed?  Maybeeeee!




How do you make a boat feel better????
Give it some vitamin sea!





I feel really sorry for pregnant elephants. 

A really long gestation period, but nobody ever talks about the elephant in the womb.



Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.





I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".





My First Night in Prison.

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said: You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......

I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......

You touch me and I will kill you........

I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am already married.