I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.

 Since I woke up at 445 AM, I thought that would be appropriate, Right?

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighborhood, and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favorite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at him for doing this as it ruined the spine, but seeing as this was essentially the latest in a series of airport bestsellers, he didn't feel like he was damaging anything particularly worth saving)(though he had to admit it was pretty compelling, if a bit tawdry) and got up to answer the door.

When he opened it, there was a ram standing there, with a stack of fliers in his arms.

"Hello sir or madam would you like a- OH! It's you! You're Smokey! I love your work!"

"That's quite alright, thank you," Smokey said. "Now what can I do for you, young man?"

"Oh gosh, I'm so flustered," said the ram. "I never expected to see a celebrity on my first day!"

"First day of..." said Smokey.

"Oh! Sorry, yes!" the ram stammered. "My sister and I just opened a new flower shop down the street and I was just handing out these brochures and it would just mean the world to us both if you would take one!"

Smokey looked down at the coupon in the ram's hand, then back up to his face.

"Sorry, kid. I'm not going to take this."

The poor ram was shocked. "You're not?"

"Now, if your sister was here, I'd accept it from her, but not from you."

"Whu– but– I don't understand! Why my sister?"

Smokey got a serious expression on his face and looked the ram dead in the eye.

"Only ewes can present florist fliers."

Soy Milk is just regular Milk introducing itself in Spanish

Ok, so this... reminds me of a T-Shirt.  "20 bucks is 20 bucks".

I cleaned that one up a LOT.  This one not so much, did not have to clean anything but I did laugh out loud when I read it today.

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....


Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

Sara replied, "Mike, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Mike and Sara agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Mike and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Mike replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Sara fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Hurricane Nicole Prep, or Bahama Shutters Down Means Weather Is Coming

My own theory of Hurricane Prep is pretty simple.

Do it every day.

No, seriously.  Why keep putting junk piled on the ground in the corner?  Why let your plantings get out of control?   Oh and if you are in an area where the power goes out, get a generator.  FPL Sucks.

When we moved here to South Florida, we knew that this area will get hit.  I sat in my house on top of a Hill in Philadelphia and watched as Katrina inundated New Orleans, as Wilma went across South Florida as a back door storm, and I remember driving over the area that Andrew hit in Homestead in the 90s.

I was driving to the Florida Keys to Key West about six months after the storm hit Homestead.  Really, truly, freaky coming to a stop sign where a stop light should be and seeing the street numbers painted on a street where there were no houses for blocks.

You really don’t want a storm like that hitting you.

It could have.  After moving here, I have been told many times that “Andrew would have hit here if it weren’t for a last minute wobble in the storms track”.

So I put down my shutters on one side of the house.  I also threw Aunt Betty’s plastic furniture into the pool.  When she was closing up her place in Century Village to live back in Noo Yawk on Lawn Guy Lant, she made sure that I took it.  I’ve had it on my porch ever since because it looks good there.  

She made me promise to keep it clean for her and a dip in the pool twice a year does that well.

At this point, on Tuesday, the storm is supposed to make landfall as Hurricane Nicole around Fort Pierce on Wednesday evening.   They are saying that the wind field is extra large and will give us Tropical Storm Force Winds as a result.  It has been a day since I started puttering around on all of this including this blog, and the track has not changed.

I went through that with Hurricane Irma.  It was not a big deal here, 66 MPH winds with 99 MPH gusts.  I sat in this chair that I am writing from and watched the big tree across the street, 30 feet tall, sway in the breezes.

10 meters of Florida Native Tree that needs to be trimmed survived the rain well.

As time went on, we replaced windows with hurricane glass, replaced the roof and brought it up to Code – Miami-Dade code.  The house is a bunker now and we get a preferred rate on our insurance as a result.

If your home is in the cross hairs of this storm, good luck, just go and pick things up since it’s too late to put up a new roof.

But yes, the main thing is really just hoping it hits your neighbor and not you.  I’ll be watching my neighbor because his house is nowhere near as well built as mine.  If his roof ends up anywhere, I hope it is not on mine.

I’ll let you all know how it goes, a Tropical Storm force wind is strong but survivable.   I won’t get worried until I start hearing Category 2 or 3 or that train sound that says there’s a tornado approaching.  Tornadoes are a very different beast as my cousin in Nebraska will tell you.  The first few minutes of the Wizard of Oz before it turns to Technicolor… yeah well different story.

In the mean time, if you have relatives in Florida, check up with them.  I’d say Saturday will be soon enough.

How Did The Frog Sell A Million Books? Because his story was so ribbiting!

I am with the witch.  I drive a 20 year old Jeep Wrangler and it has a Stick.  Then again, if I hit the powerball, I'm having it converted to Electric.




A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners.

She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"




A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."




An old snake is feeling his age.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

My pet snail lost his shell. He's looking a bit sluggish.

While I am getting frustrated with software that does not do what I think it should, I am feeling generous today.  So today I have a foursome of funnies!

And if you are the programmer who decided that a text box can't be a simple text box any longer, I hate you.



Mom, Why is your hair turning grey?
There was once a naughty little girl who was always getting in trouble and she asked her mother one day "Mom, why is your hair turning grey?"
And her mother replied "Every time you do something bad, I get another grey hair." 

The girl got a puzzled look on her face. A moment later, the girl starts chuckling.

"What's so funny my dear?" her mother asks to which her daughter replied,
"Thinking of Grandma's hair made me realize that you must have been a really bad girl!"



A guy walks into his local bar with two dogs.
"I didn't know you had dogs," the bartender comments.
"They're not my dogs," the guy replies. "They're my sister's."
"Wow, your sisters are ugly," the bartender says.




On my first day of flying lessons, I looked down anxiously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”





At a party, a young wife told to her husband: That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?

Husband replied: Why should it? I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Pulled Pork Slow Cooked In The Oven Recipe

Fear not the pork shoulder, gentle soul, for we shall take you for a walk through for some truly excellent food.

I am breaking this recipe into bite sized pieces.  Rub, Brining, and Cooking.  Hopefully to make it easier to prepare.  Basically three separate steps.

You make the rub first to complete the brine recipe.
You brine the meat to make it juicy, up to 48 hours.
And you cook the meat low and slow to make the magic happen!


Ingredients:

1 4-7 pound whole Boston Butt Pork Roast with the layer of fat on the bottom.
Mine did not have the bone-in however that is what most recipes called for.


The Rub:

I have seen a dry rub of spices and sugar used in many recipes.  This seems rather nice, it’s kind of inoffensive.  I have tweaked it from where I found it, basically because I don’t care for heat.  Originally this called for 1 tablespoon of Cayenne, I used ½ Teaspoon.  Mix this up and reserve 3 Tablespoons for the Brine.


Ingredients - Dry Rub:

• 1 Tablespoon ground cumin
• 1 Tablespoon garlic powder
• 1 Tablespoon onion powder
• 1 Tablespoon chili powder
• 1 teaspoon cayenne pepper – to taste.  Recipes do go up to 1 Tablespoon
• 1 Tablespoon salt
• 1 Tablespoon ground pepper
• 1 Tablespoon paprika
• 1/2 cup brown sugar

Brining:

Pork is an incredibly tender meat when cooked Low and Slow.  This recipe called for a soak in the refrigerator for a minimum of 12 hours.  I gave it 24 hours, simply because I could not fit the timing in.  It’s Tuesday Afternoon and I am writing this as I finish preparing it, the brining started Sunday night!

So maybe the saltiness of the finished meat was partly due to that, but this was some of the most tender pork I ever had.

I do know that making a brine of 2 quarts of water plus ½ cup of salt plus 3 tablespoons of the dry rub spice mix was called for.  Next time though I will twiddle with the salt levels since I just don’t care for the flavor of salty foods.  You decide.  I have seen recommendations to use half the salt I use here.  ¼ cup salt to 2 quarts cold water.  16 parts water to 1 part salt, plus your spice mix.


Ingredients – Brining:

• 1/2 cup salt
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 2 quarts cold water
• 2 bay leaves
• 3 tablespoons dry rub mix

Process - Brining:

Find a pot that is larger than the Pork Shoulder by a comfortable inch all around and at least 3 inches deep.  Add the water to the pot, then the salt, and 3 tablespoons of the Dry Rub to the pot and mix until dissolved.  Place the Pork Shoulder in the pot fat side up.  Put the pot in your refrigerator and give this at least 12 hours to soak.

The Cooking:

Cook until internal temperature reaches 200F. 90C.  I have a temperature probe on my oven, so when 14 hours came to pass I was at 185F.  I turned the oven up from 225 to 250F.  If you have the luxury of time, check your results and adjust.  I have also seen comments that this kind of recipe really should be done in a smoker.

Process – Cooking:

• Remove the meat from your brine and pat dry.
• Rub the spices on the entire Pork Shoulder and place on your baking pan that is 3 inches deep and comfortably an inch larger on all sides.
• Make sure your Pork Shoulder is Fat Side Up.
• Place the Baking Pan and Pork Shoulder in the oven and turn it on to 225F.
• Cook the Pork Shoulder for a minimum of 14 hours – or until the internal temperature of 200F/90C is attained.
• Turn off the oven.
• Leave the Pork Shoulder in the oven until the meat temperature drops to 170F.
• Remove the Fat Cap and discard along with any parts that are purely fat.
• Shred this to your heart’s content.
• Enjoy!
  

The Meat:

I used Pork Shoulder without the bone.  I did not find any real benefit in paying for a soup bone I would never use.


The Results:

I ended up with a pulled pork that was melt in your mouth.  I came home after a workout, the oven was beeping that I was at temperature and immediately I took a small taste.  Then another.  I ended up eating ½ pound of the stuff before I realized that I should stop.

Yeah, it's that good.

For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched: I want you to know that you are not alone.

Since this first one is a wee bit short, I'll have to put together a two-fer fer ye today.  I liked the first because I'm thinking we're going to need a new vet.  I have a list of them given to me so that won't be too tough.

As for the second, I'd had enough interviews in my life to know that this is simply plausible, and I'll leave it at that!

 
Doctors


A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?”

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."






Job

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice.

When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk. “I want to fatten it up as fast as possible.” she said.

Sally got the job

A week ago I sent my hearing aid to be repaired. I haven't heard anything since.

I have to say that a fine beer with my homemade pizza is a treat to me.  

I went through my own teenage and post teen crazy with the stuff, and now just look at alcohol as something I have to schedule in with my normal carbs in my training diet.  Like it isn't worth the effort.

However, I do enjoy a Guinness.

The Guinness Finally Got Him

Old man Murphy had worked down at the Guinness Brewery for years, but one day, he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.

When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the Guinness vat and drowned. "She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer much..?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the Bathroom

Tender Oat Flour Cream Biscuits

I'm writing this as the biscuits are baking.  

350F Medium Oven.

Check at 27 minutes.
Check at 5 minutes later.
Check again at 5 minutes later.

Finally pulled them at 15 minutes extra.  42 minutes.  Next time use higher temp.

Fret about the timing but enjoy the smell.  Good food takes time.

There has been a fair amount of publicity in the blogosphere about making traditional (Southern) biscuits with mostly oat flour and a wee bit of conventional all purpose flour to add back gluten.  Then their recipe adds back all the bits to make the entire mess "Self Rising".

Fair enough but why?

Simply put it is because there is no gluten in oat flour.  The expected result is that the biscuits will be extra light and fluffy.  These were extremely tender, literally broke apart when I started slicing them with a very sharp knife.

If you have oats for oatmeal, to make oat flour is easy - put the cup of oats in a high powered blender and turn it on until you get the desired result.

So yours truly got the bright idea to substitute ingredients.  I used my cream biscuit recipe which works incredibly well.  Since it is a known quantity, why not play with my food?

My new recipe is as follows:

Ingredients:

• 1 Cup Oat Flour
• 1 Cup Self Rising Flour
• 1/4 Teaspoon Baking Powder (probably needs more)
  
• 1 1/2 Cup Whipping Cream (or Heavy Cream).

Process:

• Mix until you have a dough.
• Spoon out 2 ounces or 1/4 cup of dough onto parchment
• Bake at 350F in preheated oven
• Check for done at 27 minutes. 
• Add more time as needed - I added 15 minutes total
  

Results?

My batch needed more time. 
First was 5 minutes because the tops were not even tan let alone golden.

Add another 5 minutes and recheck.

And finally pull them 5 minutes later for a total of 42 minutes.

They were incredibly tender.  Very buttery taste with a bit of an oat bread undertone.  These biscuits will be awesome in a bath of sausage gravy.

When I say tender, they did fall apart on the plate.

So Success but I will definitely need to tweak the temperature and add in more Baking Powder - about 1 Teaspoon next time.

Pigs make bad actors. They're all hams.

Since it is Sunday, and a right pretty one too!, I figured that I would use this rather... rude religious story.  Well, rude depending if you live in Utah or are a Gentile.

 

 

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?"

"Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! "

"Are you religious? the doctor asks.

"Not at all," says the patient.

"Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can."

The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!"

"No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest 6 months you've ever had."