I could use that right now. I have a parrot screaming at me for attention and well, kindly turn it down from 11 to a 5 please?
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence.
As part of his vow, he can come before the Abbot once every five years and say whatever he wants, but it can only be two words long.
Five years come and go and the man stands before the Abbot . They ask if he has anything to say and he responds "Bad Food." He is then dismissed and returns to his duties.
Five more years pass and the man stands before the Abbot again. This time, he says "Hard Beds." He is dismissed and returns to his duties.
Another five years pass and the man stands before the Abbot and says "I Quit."
The Abbot responds "Well, I can't say I'm surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
And since I am feeling generous, here's another one to enjoy!
While on a trip in Europe, the farmer from Texas was driving through Ireland.
He came to a farm and saw a man repairing a fence by the road.
The Texan stopped and asked the man if this was his farm.
Oh yes answered the Irish farmer, everything you see from the river down there to the hills up there is mine.
The Texan smiled and said – well on my farm back in Texas I can drive my car the whole day without reaching the other side.
Now it was the Irish mans turn to smile while he said - Oh, I used to have a car like that too.