What works faster than a Calculator? A Calcu-now!

It's a two-fer today.  The second one is a retelling of the story from last Sunday, but the first is all about being faithful to your vows.  Ok, so since it is March, and we've all done the New Years Resolution and most of them are forgotten, this one will ring true.



 Airline flight.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airline flight.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?



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 A man goes to the pet store and there is, of course, the mysteriously cheap parrot.

When he asks about it, they tell him that it was in an abusive home and although the parrot is fine, it picked up terrible language and needs an understanding home.

The guy replies, "I live alone and I'm not offended by anything. I would love to help this bird out." So he buys the parrot and takes it home.

And true to the pet shops word, the parrot is friendly and happy to be in a nice home, but it talks constantly and everything it says is a put down or insult. The man can't even walk across the room without being told in a detail that he is a failure as a human being.

But he puts up with it, because obviously this parrot doesn't understand and he tries to teach it to be nicer. Nothing really works and the little bit of irritation at the constant insults grows and grows.

Finally, one day after the parrot wakes him up in the middle of the night screaming about he's a worthless disappointment, the man snaps. He runs over, grabs the bird by the neck, then turns and shoves it into the freezer just to shut it up. Inside the freezer, the parrot keeps screaming insults and banging on the door. Then, after a few minutes the parrot goes quiet.

Suddenly, the man realizes what he's done and is overcome with remorse. He rushes over to the freezer and yanks open the door.

The parrot walks out and says, "I would like to apologize, I now realize that my previous behavior may have offended you and that was never my intention. Going forward, I hope that we can have a much more civil relationship."

The parrot looks back at the freezer and asks, "can you tell me, just what did the chicken do?"