Southern Logic - Humor

Ok, Velma's trying to tell me something again.  I noticed this list leaves Florida out, too bad, I've run into some oddballs down here too. 

Southern Logic


Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.  "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired."  A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."  When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' " ***

Maya Angelou on her 70+ birthday

If you have never had the chance to read the writings of this amazing woman, Maya Angelou, I give you a task.  Go find her books and sit down in a corner.  Read them.  She's simply an amazing writer. 

This little snippet was sent to me by local "notable" Diane.  She's another woman whose stories I love to listen to.  I may not be able to use them all here, but that is your loss.


In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.

And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting...'

Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day.....like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision...'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one..'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn..'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Goodbye Donna

I'd be completely remiss if I didn't mention that Donna Summer passed away yesterday from Breast Cancer at the age of 63.

I've enjoyed her music since the first time I heard Love To Love You Baby in my father's car being driven to school.  It was on an AM Radio Station in Philadelphia, WIP, with the DJ commenting about how few words were being sung and what the state of modern music is today!  Harrumph.

Well that station is now all sports and useless, in fact the clueless management even moved the sports format to an FM station and it is now being used to simulcast the programming.   That's why I used a Wikipedia link for it since I couldn't even find their website!

...and Donna Summers' music is being played now, somewhere, all over the world.  If you don't like Disco, Tough.  I most certainly do.

The Parrot That Eats From The Dog's Bowl

In the series "To The Manor Born" is a wonderful character named Mrs Poo.  She is introduced in this short you tube clip.

She's a Czechoslovakian woman who was fond of quoting sayings.  I don't know if they were true or not but the one that came to mind was her pronouncement that:

"The cat who eats from the dog's bowl gets her whiskers bitten off"

If you have the time, and I've set the clip up correctly, you can hear her say it yourself here, but just manually jump ahead to 7:58 in the clip.  It didn't embed correctly for me.


The series was a wonderful gentle tale from a different era in Britain, and I've been lucky enough to have seen it a couple times all the way through.

I was reminded of Mrs Poo and that saying yesterday when I let Oscar the Parrot out to wander around.   Lately the old buzzard has been getting more friendly and as such, more noisy.  So instead of yelling which only serves to get him louder in competition, or putting him outside which only serves to draw opossums, I took the low road.

Picking up the cage, I set him on the floor next to me where he could be watched by both me and the dog.

As a prey animal, he did not particularly care for that.

That was until I opened the cage door.  As his habit, he climbed on top for a quick look around.  Mrs Dog didn't care for the bird being there, so she kept a wary eye out.

Stalemate, all was well.

As it was time, I wandered to the kitchen for my next mug of coffee and brought out a dog biscuit for Lettie.  When I settled in, Lettie paid attention to the biscuit and got excited but didn't get up from her mat another five feet away.  I placed it on the floor half way between the dog and the bird.

Of course the bird grabbed the biscuit.   Oscar ran down the cage. While the dog was being told "OK go get the cookie" and didn't respond, Oscar grabbed the cookie and went back inside the cage with his prize.

Lettie being a gentle old dog, more fearful than anything else, simply looked at the scene.  If it is possible for a dog to have a "nonplussed" expression of confusion and disappointment, that was it.   She was not happy at all and decided that "I've had enough of this".   Leaving the room to me and That Bird, she went into the bedroom and ignored us for the next hour.

Luckily dogs memories are a patchy thing and all was forgotten when she returned later.

Snakes in a Plane, and in a Walmart too

Yep, bizarre news is showing itself this week, but in retrospect it kind of makes sense that you should watch out for yourself.

After all, it WAS a WalMart.   Shouldn't you be shopping somewhere else anyway?

Up in Washington State, some guy was going out to buy some mulch for his plants. His Marijuana plants.  It's legal there and he's got a medical need.  That just kind of adds to the aura of "oddness".

Ok, legal plants, I got it.  Not for me, but I got the story.

So he goes to WalMart, brushes a stick away and it bites him.  Turns out that on top of the bag wasn't a stick, but a foot long rattlesnake.

Maybe I should have said "A pot grower walks into a WalMart, and...".

The reality is that in those large garden centers, you do have to watch out.  Over the weekend I was looking at Lemon Trees and spotted a mouse, three species of birds, and a couple rogue bees.  You don't want to get stung do you?  All this was "inside" the garden center at the hardware store.  It's really just one of those open air areas with a bit of hardware cloth roofs for shade, and finding wildlife in what passes for inside is normal.

I guess they're right, those WalMarts are entertaining in a dark and bite-y sort of way.

Smartphone As ID? I Sure Hope NOT.

This is another one of those topics that present themselves at the strangest moments. 

The short version of the story is that this woman, 23, went to a wedding in California and only brought her iPhone and her keys to the room to the wedding.  She wanted a drink and was "carded" for her ID.  Didn't have any, so the server confiscated her drink and asked the manager.  The patron showed a picture of her passport to the manager and was turned down.  The Staff there were doing their job, Molly you're an adult, you know you need your ID to drink in the US, carry it.

Now, here's the link if you want to read her rant, I'll follow up by saying why I think this is a terrible idea.  In fact, I'll do so in one word.

Theft.

Whether you agree that someone should be out getting drinks at a wedding is another story, but living in Wilton Manors, I've seen my share of people, in fact I've probably seen your share too of people who have gotten drunk and are making bad decisions.  I belong to a civic organization as a Board member at Wilton Manors Main Street and we're working to help the city become a safer place by making suggestions to the city such as narrowing the drive via our Two Lane Initiative.  That way you can do stupid things like get blind drunk and have less of a chance getting hit by a car careening down Wilton Drive at 45 MPH.

And that's just Fort Lauderdale Police cutting through a street festival to their own jurisdictions like the Dunkin Donuts Shop at Five Points - TRUE STORY!

So you come to a town or a wedding and are having your good time and drink a bit too much.  After all her original post said that she was drinking at the wedding.  Being legally impaired you leave the party and stumble out into the light.

The scenerio here is pretty simple - what happens when you leave your iPhone either at the party or drop it on your way out.  Now this woman has just her keys to the room, and no ID - and now no iPhone.

Those shiny Apple products are a target.  Someone sees your phone and the probability would be that they'll pick it up.  If you're lucky it will get turned in and the bartender won't keep it.  You just may get it back.  I'm probably a little safer since I use a lower end Android phone, but it has the same capabilities she's talking about...

If not, now your phone AND YOUR ID are out in public.  You may as well have left your purse or your wallet sitting there with a sign on it saying "Empty Me, I'm Yours".

Bad idea.  But am I being too security conscious?

Within the 12 months, I personally have found a full wallet and a smartphone.  Ok the phone was a Blackberry and nobody seems to want those these days, but both got turned into the Police Station at Wilton Manors City Hall.  Apparently I am still honest.

Not everyone is.  My earliest dog walk at 6AM is one where I see the homeless people come up from Fort Lauderdale and patrol the parking lot.  They're looking for your wallet or your smartphone.  They've got to eat too, so don't expect to get your gear back.

Or your ID.

If I see it, I'll send it to City Hall.  They're good people there, you'll get it back.  Not everyone will be that fortunate.

Why I don't drive a Miata - or What should a Tall Guy Drive?

Yep, I did try one.  A Miata.  You see, it was in my eyes, one of the most beautiful cars out on the market at the time I was shopping back in the mid 90s.

It's Just Small.

And I'm Just Tall.

So as my old Chevy Nova/Toyota Corolla was 10 years old and beginning to annoy me, it was time to shop and look around.  I mean REALLY look around.  I was looking at all sorts of things trying to be creative and the first one I was going to look at was the Miata.  I wanted a convertible so I could go topless on a long drive and I was doing a lot of long drives at that point in my life.  It got good gas mileage, and as such didn't pollute much.

I went to the dealership in Pennsylvania at the time, and all eyes were on me.  What is this guy doing?  No, it's going to be a fail isn't it?  Yes, Godzilla is stomping all over Tokyo again in his rubber suit as he opens the door of the little car.

Sitting in the car, I whack my knee on the steering wheel and sound the horn.  In fact, I whacked my knee hard enough that I was limping for three days and felt pain in the spot for more than a month.

If I didn't have their attention before, I certainly did then.

So leaving the place and hearing comforting comments like "It's ok, it's not for everyone", I went back to the drawing board.

My 19 year relationship began anew with a comment from a friend saying "Did you know they redesigned the Wrangler again?  No more Square Headlights!  It's actually comfortable!". 

I sat behind the wheel of a 1997 forest green Jeep Wrangler Sport and it was like putting on a pair of comfortable sneakers.  It Just Fit.

While it's healthy to step out of your comfort zone once in a while, when you're 6'4" and 220-ish pounds like I am, there's a reason why you drive a certain car.  In fact, I liked that one so much that I traded that one and got a second one when Chrysler offered 0.0% financing a few years later.  That's the one that sits in the carport today.

It's not a question of whether its big, I could easily drive any large American Land Yacht, but more of the line of the roof and how close the driver's door is placed in respect to the seat.

I recently sat in a Mercedes Benz C class and I can honestly say that by the time we drove across the county line into Aventura Florida for a trip to the mall for lunch, I hated that car with a passion.  Mercedes had placed everything in just the right places - to stick in my left kidney, my left shoulder, and allow me never to find a comfortable place to sit. 

Oh and there are no Diesel C Class.   Forget that.  Gasoline is not efficient in comparison.  Diesel gets between 1/3 and 1/2 better Miles Per Gallon (KM Per Litre) for the same size motor.  I won't even consider a gasoline motor if there is a Diesel available.  TDI Perhaps, but never on the first year.

Well that and I'm not ready to retire my Jeep yet.


Every time I get to a car show, I'm drawn to the little things that would be a speed bump for a big truck like they like to drive here in Florida.  I don't understand why someone needs a Hummer, let alone any other SUV, just to get groceries.  But that's me.

I was happy to see that the Fiat 500 actually fits.  In fact, the one I sat in with the sun roof had so much room that I had to sit with the front seat not all the way back.  That's something I don't have in my Jeep.

Now if they'd just get a proper sized turbo diesel in the US it would be a winner. 

Well that and once I finally get tired of driving around in a Wrangler with the roof off and on special days the doors sitting back home being sniffed by the dog.  After all, it's 10 years old and only has 44,000 miles on it.

Just make sure if you do end up with a small car and you're big, you have the right bumper sticker:

Caution, Capacity 14 Clowns.

Sorry folks, I saw that one over the weekend and didn't take the picture.

Goodbye Mom - Humor

Ok, how about a Mother's Day story?
A little humor for the ladies that raised you?
I can't think of a better day for this story, so enjoy!
Hope this touches you the way it touched me!

GOODBYE MOM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!

This one's for the ladies.  I got a chuckle when it was sent to me, maybe it will do the same for you.  So here are some wonderfully tired old retreads of jokes about men.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Arsenal '
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. (brilliant!! )
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!

The Importance of an Accurate Duck

In my yard,
there is a pool.

In my pool,
there is a duck.

Under the duck,
there is a thermometer.

That is the problem.

You see, like everything these days, it's all sourced from China.  It's because in our rush for lower prices, we lost sight of what is important. 

In "English Common Law" which is what our business law is loosely based upon in the US, there is the "Fitness of Purpose and Merchantability" rule.  It is a pretty simple concept, it means that if you are selling something, you are telling people what it is for and that you are going to "warrant" that item to be appropriate for that use. 

That means that if you sell a rubber duck with a thermometer on it, your purchaser will expect that it will be accurate.  Not always a big deal, right?  After all if the pool is 80F it's comfy, and it won't ever get much above 87 or 88 in the summer, so what does it matter if it is a degree "off"?

So you toss that duck into the pool, smile at it being cute, wait a bit and see that it's 70F on a warm day.  Thinking that that water is too cold, and I am in Florida after all, I pull the duck out of the pool and we turn on the spa.

If you have ever used a spa or a hot tub, you know that you shouldn't go above a certain temperature.  Exposure to prolonged heat is a no-no and typically that temperature is 104.   We tend to run the thing at 100F because it can be a beautiful thing.

After fighting with the temperature all day, we manage to get that tub to a warm 98 degrees then step in.

There's a problem here, it is way too hot.

You see the Chinese Prisoner who made that duck didn't take the care that would have happened had I been able to get that same duck made by someone in a country with a better tradition of quality.  Accuracy and quality is something that should be prized over cheapness in price, and we seem to have forgotten that sort of thing.  The red white and blue "Made in USA" stickers that used to be all over the cheap items in WalMart, Target, and other discount stores have long since vanished.  Not that Made in USA is a universal symbol for quality, as anyone who has ever owned a Chevrolet Vega would know, but for the most part it may be clunky but it worked.

I got out of that hot tub quicker than normal and grabbed the other thermometer which I know was accurate and dropped it into the water.

107F.

After cooling down in the 70 by the duck, 79 by the thermometer temperature water, we left that hot tub behind.  The duck has since been taken away, not by us, but by a rogue backyard critter.   There are opossums and raccoons that seem to think that the little yellow duck is food and it ends up on the pool deck at least twice a month.

Good riddance, it wasn't accurate anyway.

As someone who has more than 20 years in Software Quality Assurance and Software Development, this sort of nonsense irks me to no end.  I don't like going to Publix and discovering that I have pink legs that represent a mild first degree burn because someone has decided he needs to earn an extra 100K a year for some shadowy shareholders by firing their US workforce and shipping the jobs over to China. 

I never was completely comfortable with shoddy workmanship in something that I purchase, and for years I flat out would not buy Chinese merchandise.  Good luck going China Free anymore, after all, they aren't free yet either and it is still the country of Tienanmen and the massacre therein.

I think I shall be looking a bit closer next time I need a duck.