Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

 

Yes, this one is an antique.  And it is a bit ... morbid but hey you know me!




 Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime: "God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa."

He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). 

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the mailman drops dead on the steps...

 

Hey Snowbirds! Come get your weather, it's drunk and on my lawn and there is a Falling Iguana Alert.

I woke early.  Yeah, I know, what else is new.  I haven't even acclimated to the change to Eastern Standard Time yet.  

This was different.  I was cold and in bed.

I reached over to grab the phone, and of course it fell on the floor and woke the dog.  Looked at the conditions.  48 Degrees at a quarter to 5 in the morning.  9 Whole Degrees C.

YUCK.

I pulled the covers back over my head muttering something about the old saw of "I'm going to be a stereotype".  How do you spot a Floridian?  They're dressed in a coat and long pants at anything less than 70F.  Call that 21C in EuroSpec.

"Rack you have to wait, I need to put on clothes!".

My normal pre-dawn routine is to let Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) out into the yard.  It's secluded so I tend to do so in a pair of silk boxers.

Ok, not silk but synthetic and that's not important. 

I opened the back door when I put on the retro styled black jeans I got in the 1990s and chuckled that when the sun came up they'd warm me up.  Snarling at the cold winds falling off the roof I walked out with the dog.

Who proceeded to stand there and stare at the stars.

I put CBC Radio 1 on the headphones and caught the 5AM news bulletin while waving my hands in the air at the dog.

"Go on, boy!  Do your business!  I hate being out here!".

He walked about 10 feet away.

I started following him to get him out there doing his morning snuffle.

Checking the conditions again and shaking my head.  "Winds are 16MPH gust 25?" I say to nobody in particular.  Making my peace with it, I start the irrigation on the flowers and head inside.  

Rack was nowhere to be seen but I wasn't going to "freeze" out there waiting.

The house was cooling, it was only 70 indoors.  This box of rocks was going to get a blast of heat to see if the heater was working.  It had not been turned on since our last "cold" day back in March.  I was told that it is a 1200 Watt heater which to me is about the same as the blow dryers they used to sell and I use to dry out inline skate bearings when cleaning them out.

Can't have your bearings rust before they even get onto a wheel, can we?

But it is just enough to take the edge off the chill.  Many houses here don't even have heaters in them.  Air Conditioning is what made the summer heat tolerable here, and while I am well suited to the hot weather, August here is evil.

Having fed Mr Dog, I was hearing Michael Enright announce that I was listening to CBC Rewind featuring 75 years of archival programming from the vaults of the CBC.  Today I found myself listening to Cross Canada Checkup interview in 1985 with Frank Zappa on censorship in the record industry both in the US and Canada.

I also found myself agreeing whole heartedly with Mr Zappa as I walked around some more snowbirds.  I knew they weren't from here because here we were an hour and a half before sunrise.  I was in my motorcycle jacket, jeans, boots, and a sweatshirt swearing at the weather.  The snowbird was in shorts and a long sleeve shirt.

I muttered something rude under my breath about people from Up North need to dress for the conditions.  I am sure that the snowbird thought something similar about me.

I live about 8 miles south of the freeze line according to the weather service.  The coldest I have ever seen here in the 19 years I have lived in the Greater Fort Lauderdale Area was 34F.  1C.  I did once see a few flakes of snow flurries but it also could have been dust blown off the trees.

I have no proof either way, and I'll accept either explanation.

Of course up comes the news bulletin on the hour.  The end of the news was an item about the weather here.  Yes, we have a "Falling Iguana Alert".  They started, on CBC, talking about how Jacksonville was -2.  I was shocked, then after a mental 3 count, I realized they are Metric and it was 2 degrees C below freezing.  29F give or take.  Having a bit of a laugh, I was on a watch for falling iguanas through the rest of my walk.  No iguanas, yet.

I ran into a friend here who is a Police Sergeant.  Just returning from getting his coffee, he saw me out there trying not to lose my broad brimmed hat in the wind and said hello.  "Hey, Frank!  How about that ride-along?  Perfect day to get me out of the cold!".

I got a hearty laugh out of him as I wandered back towards the house into the wind.  Conditions here are pretty predictable.  Winds come from the East, generally, off the ocean and right down the street.   They're funneled down the canyon of the main drag.  If you drop something light, say a $20 bill on one side of town it will float on the breeze until it finds me bending down to pick it up on the West side of the central business district.

"No I didn't see what you dropped, can you describe it?"
"Sorry!  Can't help!"

I got Mr Dog back to the house and immediately started the kettle to make coffee.  It is a good day for a second cup.

Rack, to his credit, wanted to go back out to the yard.  Immediately.  So he could stare at the skies and watch the trees move.

I swear that dog must have been a stoner in a prior life.  He goes through the day looking at things and being amazed.

Me?  I just leave the sweatshirt on and go about my business.  Today is a good day to do a roast in the oven, you know.  Maybe a little roast pork for later.  It will help to warm up the house, just a bit.

Or so I tell myself.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 I have not started an actual fire in quite a while.  I used to have one of those grills that you would start the charcoal in a chimney with newspaper.  Always had paper on hand since I had parrots to line the cage but it would throw off the burgers if I used it.

And yes, I was not terribly effective in getting that chimney going.  Propane is so much easier.





 A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3 AM

The man got up and found a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” said the husband. “It’s 3:00 in the morning!” He slammed the door and went back to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he replied.

“Did you help him?” she asked.

“No, it’s 3 AM and pouring rain!” he grumbled.

“Well, you have a short memory,” said his wife. “Don’t you remember a few months ago when our car broke down and two strangers helped us? You should be ashamed. God loves drunk people too, you know!”

Feeling guilty, the man got dressed and went back out into the rain.

He called into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

“Do you still need a push?” asked the husband.

“Yes, please!” replied the voice.

“Where are you?” asked the man.

“I’m over here… on the swing!”

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 I have heard that particular quote many times.  I know, I researched it!

I have a teacher joke, but I have to explain it to you.




 A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it." 

When the Support Team is gone for a month, it is time for an enforced pause in the workouts.

I have had a good run this year.

No injuries, some skating, a lot of cycling.  One long break in July and right back to the workouts.  I'm on the way to 2500 miles on the bike this year.  I doubt 3000 miles is possible at my pace.

August.  Made it through the whole month.  August in South Florida can be punishingly hot.  The peak of that was stop at the car and dump a 20 ounce bottle of water all over myself and use the skin suit as an air conditioner.

Think of it as a big yellow swamp cooler.  Yeah, that's what I will call it, my spandex swamp cooler.

What this nonsense is all about is that my "Support Team" is on the way to London.  Right now, my feet are on the coffee table (don't tell 'Mom'), and the Team is in the Miami Airport waiting on an overnight flight.

I seem to get about a five or six month run between breaks so I am right on time now.  The next three weeks, I have to figure out what to do with myself so that I don't go nuts.  

Also, the normal pattern is well and truly shattered.

I tell people that I am an athlete.  Trainer level.  Dual Sport Athlete, Elite Inline Skater, Intermediate Cyclist.  I'll pause that since I don't want to give myself a bruise patting myself on the back.

What this blather all means is that I have to play hard with the rules of nutrition.  I am a fan of the theory of "Macronutrients".  Of course everyone has their own fine definitions of what that means, but in a nutshell, I have a tuned diet.

40% of calories from Protein.
30% each from Carb and Fat.

1 gram of Protein per KG of ideal body weight.  81 g protein.

Except that these next three weeks, I have to reduce the intake.  I'm doing a soft landing so I am reducing the food intake.

The truth be told, I have been doing this literally for decades.  When I was competitive inline skater "back in the day" in Philadelphia, I would get to October and begin to cut back of calories.  Going from the usual 700 calories per meal plus 200 for snacks, I would cut that back to about 550x3 and lose a snack.  Philadelphia winters were way too cold to inline skate even if I was stubborn.

One "last workout" I was on the Fairmount Park trail and hit an ice patch.  Nearly ended up in the Schuylkill River with an air temp of 25F.  On inline skates.  That would make it difficult to swim to shore, trust me.

The next year I spent the winter in the gym and it worked out well.

This year on The Break, I'm going to do long walks.  Today is only going to be about 12000 steps.  Tomorrow, I am dusting off the Bowflex and see if I can get an upper body workout going.  Weightlifting is always a good idea whether it is a substitute to a normal training regimen, or if it is actually your training regimen.

We will see.  I partially disassembled the thing when the house was being remodeled and I lost the assembly instructions.  I am good at fixing things even without documentation, but with all the injuries I have had over the last couple years, I have been hesitant to begin weightlifting.

Yeah, I know.  Weight bearing exercises build bone mass.  With the 18 or so screws I have holding my two clavicles and the titanium in my shoulder, I have a right to be hesitant.

So remember, fellow babies, if you are going to make a drastic change in your level of exercise, reduce your food intake.  You will hate it, but if it is a temporary pause, your body will thank you.

Besides, my legs were getting a bit large lately.  The three time weekly marathons on the bike built the quads and calf muscles up, and my muscle weight has been growing.  

The spandex compression shorts aren't compressing as much so I think it's been a good thing.

Stay tuned.  Until then, I have a lot of podcasts and comedy programming to get through.

If you are an Outdoor Sports kind of person, you know what I am getting at.  February in the Northern Hemisphere is not your friend.

But a pause is sometimes necessary whether for overtraining or for waiting for the support team.

What do you call a Wolf that has things figured out? Aware Wolf!

 The problem with having a file stuffed with one liners for topics?  You actually have to use them when they are timely or they just look stupid.

Go Fig!  A Stupid Dad Joke?  Naw!








Fact.

Star Wars was the first film to ban smoking on set.

The cast was still allowed to Chewbacca.




I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. 
There’s something fishy about that place.



I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s. 

I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…



This joke will pass.
Nah, it will give you gas for hours.
It may if you take it in minute portions!



Q: How long does it take to build a new data center?
A: Approximately one closed-door city council vote.
(From: The Onion)




Cleaning out my garage and realized someone must've stolen my limbo sticks.
Seriously.
How low can you go?



Today I got pulled over by a police officer. He said to me 'It seems like you've been drinking. Can you say the alphabet starting with M?'
I said, 'Malphabet.'

What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

Perfect day for that thing sitting on your porch to get squashed?  Maybeeeee!




How do you make a boat feel better????
Give it some vitamin sea!





I feel really sorry for pregnant elephants. 

A really long gestation period, but nobody ever talks about the elephant in the womb.



Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.





I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".





My First Night in Prison.

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said: You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......

I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......

You touch me and I will kill you........

I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am already married.

A Class in Nutrition and Exercise at the Vet's Office.

It is October.  You are talking about having a beach body.  Great.  That's a start.  The best time to start on a beach body is "before now".  The second best time is now.

Where did all that come from?  The Vet's Office, specifically, but really years ago for me.

Today I had to do something I don't like to do.  I went to the Vet's.  It isn't really the Vet's office that I dislike.  It is how I went there.

It was a beautiful day.  Even the car was feeling spry.  My 23 year old Jeep was quick on the road getting to the park.  Temps were moderate if not cool for South Florida.  The rains had washed everything and the winds were very light.  

I piled everything into the car that I needed for a workout and got myself prepared.  Carbo load, music on the phone, extra water because I knew I had a visit afterwords.  Even a brownie for my snack.

Dressed in my one size too small cycle jersey and my now one size too large compression shorts, I was ready.  The end result was that I now have a "Skin Suit" or so I tell people.  If the jersey was larger, I would be better off, but ordering clothes from TEMU can be a crap shoot.  It's tight but I'll get over it, I'll own that because returns are a bear.

My normal workout on the bike is 6 laps around the big gas bag in Pompano Beach.  I check distance on the GPS on the sport watch when I finish and if it is just under a mile marker, I ride enough to get the round number.  In this case, today was 27.09 miles.

Now, that distance is good but not great.   I know people on bikes who regularly ride 50 miles in a workout.  I don't think I can do that in one go.  

On inline skates, I can do that same 27 miles.  I am an elite inline skater, but intermediate on a bike.

I finished, put the bike on the car rack, tossed a few peanuts at the squirrels.  Before I went into the place I poured water on my head so I didn't look quite so Ick, and then brushed the hair.  I mean, come on, you don't want to offend, right?

Remembering that the desk staff is "Women of a Certain Age" and that I am a "Man of a Certain Age" I took a deep breath before I went in.  I have a feeling I made an impression.

It was a rapid fire barrage of questions but basically I said things like it's really just one foot in front of another and in order to bike 27 miles in a morning, you actually have to do the first mile...first.

After assuring them that they most certainly could but it would take training, and that 27 miles on a bike is significant but not unattainable, for the third time, I backed off.

I have the time to do this sort of thing and I count myself very fortunate for that.  Not everyone has that time.  I truly do not want to be that person who has the time and sits on the couch eating junk.  I did explain that the workouts are a "Get out of jail free" card for the diet, but that is tempered with being extremely aware of nutrition and "Macro Nutrients".  

I count every single calorie and know when I can have what and how much of it at any given time.  A slab of chocolate cake is not a big deal, I just budget the calories along with everything else.

If I had a slightly smaller snack or did so less frequently, my body fat percentage would be lower than my current 17% but as I explained to the ladies, it is my reward for a job well done.

Basically if you take a systemic approach, garbage in, garbage out, you can refine what you are able to do.  Otherwise, you are right, you can't ride 27 miles, or skate 20, or walk 5 miles.

Start out slow, divide and conquer, work within your own capacity but push a little bit more every day.

Fitness is a very good illustration of Compound Interest.  You do a little bit more than last time and eventually you are doing a lot more than when you started.

That Compound Interest thing was how I got started.  I was never allowed to be this active as a child or a teen.  When I moved away from home, I immediately changed that.  Never stopped.  So now, in my "Certain Age" I am working out at the level of a varsity athlete.  

You can too.  Start out slow.  Do those steps, then tomorrow do another few more.  

Your body is an amazing machine, you will be surprised with what you can achieve.  

Yes!  Yours.  Seriously!

Trust me, when I started, I could not climb a flight of steps without wheezing from asthma.  Now, maybe 50 miles in a workout is more than I need, but 27 miles on a bike in 2 hours with a break is just right.

It really is all about finding something you can do that will allow you to take things further.

In other words, Personal Choice.  Good luck on your search.  

Oh, and if you are on a bike or skates at The Park, don't be too surprised if I draft you and give chase. It's how we all say let's play!

Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they are full of Anty-bodies!

 When I got started putting jokes up on the weekend it was because I was trying to fill space.  It is devilishly hard to do new content every single day and at the time I was finding my schedule was loosening up to be able to do other things than sit in front of a keyboard.

On the other hand, I have been quoted my own little jokes by readers, so I suppose I shouldn't be quite so sheepish.  

In that matter, here you go!




 Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!"

Why isn’t energy made of atoms? It doesn’t matter ..

 I think this particular thing may have happened here with all the ducks around.



 So this guy walks into a bar, looking like he just wrestled with a dumpster raccoon. He says to the bartender: “Listen, I know this sounds crazy… but if I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen in your life, will you give me free drinks tonight?”

The bartender shrugs. “Sure, why not.”

The guy pulls a tiny piano out of his coat pocket. Sets it on the bar. Then he pulls a tiny man out of his other pocket—about a foot tall—and this little guy just rips into the piano like Stevie Wonder on Red Bull.

The bartender’s jaw hits the floor. He pours the man a drink, then another, then another… soon both man and miniature musician are hammered.

Finally the bartender can’t take it anymore. He leans in and says, “Okay… I gotta ask. Where the hell did you get him?”

The guy slurs: “You’re not gonna believe me… but there’s a genie’s lamp in your dumpster out back. Rub it, you get one wish.”

Later that night, bartender’s taking the trash out. Sure enough, there’s a lamp sitting in the dumpster. He rubs it, poof! Genie pops out.

“Congratulations! One wish—anything you want.”

Without hesitation: “I wish I had a billion bucks!”

The genie snaps his fingers, disappears—then suddenly a duck falls out of the sky. Then another. Then another. Before long the whole alley is filled with quacking, flapping ducks.

Freaked out, the bartender runs back inside, grabs the guy by the collar and yells: “I didn’t ask for a billion ducks, I asked for a billion bucks!”

The guy just sighs, points at the piano, and says: “Yeah, you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?”