Sunday, August 6, 2017

A Small Collection of Science Jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” “For you, sir, no charge!”

What's 2 times 2? Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!” Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!” Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”

Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” the bartender asks. “I don’t know,” says the first logician. “I don’t know either,” says the second logician. Says the third logician, “If that’s the case, then we all want a beer.”

Atom 1: “I think I lost one of my electrons somewhere.” Atom 2: “Are you sure?” Atom 1: ”Yes, I’m positive!”

A neutrino walks through a bar.

A photon checks into a hotel. “Do you need help with your luggage?” the clerk asks. “No thanks, I’m travelling light.”

A mathematician walks into a bar. “I’ll have a pint, and then half a pint and then a quarter of a pint and then an eighth of a pint-” The bartender, who is also a mathematician, interrupts him, “Two pints, coming right up!”

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.

“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”
“Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”

“I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from from incomplete data.

What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe? Zero, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.

Why were the Romans so bad at algebra? They always ended up with X equals 10.

“I never get any good data. Sometimes I think the particle accelerator hates me.” “Never anthropomorphize machines. They hate that.”

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