A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man quickly replies 'You go up there and tell that bastard off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
A priest is drowning in the middle of the ocean. His faith in God is extensive, so he prays for God to save him. Not long after, a man in a fishing boat plines up to him and tells the priest to get in his boat. The priest says, "No! I'm waiting for God to save me!" and the boatman drives off.
Suddenly, the priest notices an entire cruise ship he never saw before! They lower someone down in a lifeboat and throw out a lifeline. The priest rejects it, saying "No! I prayed to God to save me!" The boats float away, and they're gone before the priest even realizes it.
After a while, the priest notices a helicopter coming towards him! It has a crucifix on its side and, when it's above him, drops a rope for him to climb. One of his priest brothers and a woman he's never seen before with golden hair look down and yell at him to climb up. He says, "No, brother! I'm waiting for God to save me!" before the priest notices, the helicopter is gone and he drowns.
Once in Heaven, the priest walks up to God as says, "You, damnit! Why didn't you save me?!"
God says, "Really? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
Forrest Gump and his girlfriend goes to a bar...And Forrest asks his girl what she would like to drink?
She answers: Rum Forrest Rum.
Grandmother gets a new doctor.
The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.
As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are Birth Control pills?"
"Yes. They help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you that there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep."
The elderly woman reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But, every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
Two retired gentlemen meet while sunning themselves on the beach
They get to talking about themselves.
One says, "I was in the retail business. I started out with a tiny clothing shop, and through a lifetime of long hours and hard work, built my way up to a nice department store. Things got tough when the chain stores started moving in. Then, tragedy. A fire wiped me out. Luckily, the insurance was enough to cover my losses and then some. Rather than start over, I decided to retire to Florida a little earlier than I planned."
The other guy said, "My story is much the same. I was in manufacturing, and built my way up from a tiny shop in my garage to a big factory. I too find myself here as the result of disaster. There was a massive flood that destroyed my inventory and equipment. I couldn't face starting from scratch, and when the insurance offered a generous settlement I took it and started my new life here."
The first guy leans in and whispers, "How do you start a flood?"
A recent warning to Drivers in England.
Drivers be aware. The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A421, near the Northampton roundabout recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
There's this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.
The guy thinks a little while...and then says yes please, baguette.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"