What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

 Remember, in the Northern Hemisphere, the statistically coldest weeks are the first two weeks of February.  Here in South Florida, it isn't a Beach Day either.  35F, 1C?  

Come and get your weather, it's drunk on my lawn.



An old man goes to the doctor, he says, "Doc, I need a fertility test." The doctor hands him a plastic tub and says, "Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back." So he goes home, and the next day returns with an empty tub.

The doctor says, "Why haven't you filled it?"

The old man says, "Doc, I tried it with my right hand, tried it with my left hand, tried it with both hands. My wife tried it with her right hand, tried it with her left hand, tried it with both hands. Neighbor lady upstairs tried it with her right hand, tried it with her left hand, tried it with both hands. We can't get the lid off."




(Personally, the first thing I do when I get one of those child proof caps is wonder where is a child to open the thing.  The next thing I do is find a way to defeat the cap so I don't have to fuss with the damn thing.)



My wife going deaf?

An elderly man goes to the doctor, very worried because he thinks his wife is going deaf, but he doesn't know how to bring it up without offending her.
The doctor says, "Let's try a simple test. Stand far away from her and ask a question. If she doesn't respond, take one step closer until she hears you. Then, you can tell me the distance, and we can determine if she has a hearing problem." 

The man returns home and sees his wife cooking dinner. He stands in the doorway, about 30 feet away, and says, "My love, what are you cooking?" Nothing. 
He steps 10 feet closer, now about 20 feet away, and asks again, "My love, what are you cooking?" 
Nothing. He steps right behind her, about 3 feet away, and shouts, "MY LOVE! WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?" 
The wife spins around angrily and shouts back, "For the third time, HARICOT BEANS!"


(Sometimes you aren't the solution.)