My Aunt and Uncle - Picture

Going through the shed, I found some old memories tucked away in a cardboard box in the form of some 20 plus year old pictures. 

Betty and Sal always looked so happy together, even when they were sparring with each other.  When I had visited their house up on The Island in Noo Yawk, they posed for this picture for me.

I liked the picture so much that I put it into that box with other things that were marked with all sorts comments and warnings.  Made sure it got to Florida first with all the important papers and pictures and other things we collect along the way to make sure that our memories and our lives are intact when we arrive in our new life. 

Now that Aunt Betty has moved back to Noo Yawk to be near her family, there isn't a day that I don't think of them and think of them well.

The Woman Who Lied - Humor

I'm not completely sure what got in Velma's head when she sent me this one.  I do know I got a chuckle out of the little story when I read it.


The Woman Who Lied

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked..
The seamstress replied, "No." 
The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. 

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked..
Again, the seamstress replied, "No.." 
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. 


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?''
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Morris Chestnut. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked. 

"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious.. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said "no" to Morris Chestnut, you would have come up with Shemar Moore. 
Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband.
Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to Morris Chestnut.
And so the Lord let her keep him. 

The moral of this story is:  Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. 


Signed, 

All Us Women 


Laughter is like jogging on the inside.  Exercise your 'innards' every day.

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

Robots - Humor

Oh I could use one of these robots, but I'm afraid of what it can do!


Robots...

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother!

P.S. Robot For Sale

Accidental Irish Cream Butter for the Coffee? SURE!

I like Irish Cream.  Once in a while that is since it basically is butter and alcohol.  67 calories of fat and booze.  Three ounces make 200 calories, so it's not something for every day.

Pour the stuff on some ice cream if you really want high test.   Last night I didn't want high test, I wanted to use it in my coffee.  Good dark home roasted decaf coffee with a little sweetener and Irish Cream.

Easy right?   Not when you get it all wrong.

I had just been given the bottle by someone who didn't know to try using it like I did and the bottle was unopened.  Sheepishly I was told by him "I love the stuff but I can't figure out how to use it!".

I'm not a big drinker.  One or two a week is quite enough.  Gin and Tonic, Screwdrivers, that sort of stuff.  A glass of Port is a wonderful luxury.  But I can be creative with Irish Cream.  

I know a British Ex-Pat who swears by the stuff in his evening tea to relax to the British Dramas on PBS.

But the stuff really is cream plus whiskey.  So enjoy in moderation but finish the bottle within 3 weeks once opened.

That is where I got in trouble.   I wanted it cold.  Why I wanted it cold, I just can't say.  Probably so I didn't have to finish it in 3 weeks.   I'm a lightweight when it comes to drink, really I am.  I can't even write like Hemingway, let alone drink like that man!

Put the bottle in the bottom shelf of the refrigerator and wait.  In my case, I waited for about 10 hours.

Three scoops of home roast decaf in the French Press, three packets of Sweet-n-Low, and the kettle was screaming for attention.

Pouring the water on top of the grounds, I gave it a quick stir, then went to the refrigerator.

SnapSnapSnap and the metal ring let go of the cap while the bottle was opened.  Upending the brown bottle over the measuring cup to get 3 ounces of the brown liquid, nothing happened.

Aiming the opening into the light I looked in.  

Looking back at me was a tan clot of something that looked like frozen Sweetened Condensed Milk.  Except it wasn't frozen, merely congealed.

*THUMPTHUMPTHUMP* on the back of the bottle like an errant Catsup container.
"Well!  That didn't work!"
"What's going on out there?"
"I made Irish Cream Butter!"
"What?"
"The Irish Cream had thickened into butter in the fridge!"
"Wait, you put Irish Cream in the fridge and didn't expect...?"
"Yes, I know, Blond Moment."

I stuck a butter knife into the thickened tan goo and it came back coated as if I stuck it into a stick of butter.  My mind is racing thinking of some more alternatives like making whipped cream out of the stuff if I can ever get it free.

"I'd microwave the bottle if I didn't think it would explode like some weird Mythbuster's moment."

Turning on the tap full hot, I was able to gently melt the "butter" into a liquid again and pour out the required amount.   The bottle is sitting out on the counter just like it was last night, I won't make that mistake again.

So if I do make Whipped Cream out of the stuff, I'll let you know, but for the meantime, feel free to laugh with me at my buttery and sweet mistake.

Now they're naming Winter Storms? Give Me A Break!

This morning, through all the web chaff I wade through, I made a stop to check the local weather for Fort Lauderdale.  The Weather Channel's website went through a recent redesign to make it more social.  The problem is that it made it less useable and more difficult to actually get the information that I want to see on it.

I'll work around it.  It's not pretty but it will have to do.

The problem was that I loaded the page and my heart did that usual little flutter it does whenever I see that "Warning Will Robinson" red stripe at the top that screams there's something to watch out for.    Reading it and dreading a late season Hurricane, I saw these words:

Breaking News:  What Will Winter Storm Brutus Bring?

I will tell you, it's going to bring me laughing at The Weather Channel and refusing to take it seriously.  The Weather Channel is the channel that brings you all hype all the time, I realize that.  After all it had that bobble headed blond Jen Carfagno call the King Kamehameha Hotel in Hawaii the "King Kammey Hah-hah-hah" hotel, as well as quite a lot of misinformation when the Tsunami disaster happened in Japan a year back.

You basically want to hit the weather channel when they do the cut away every 10 minutes for the information and turn to something else when the bobble heads come back with their "news".  My suggestion would be to turn to your family and talk about current events because the hype machine would roll on regardless.  I guess it drives Ad Revenue but frankly it feels a bit irresponsible, in my opinion.

The National Weather Service has just put out a message telling their people not to use these Winter Storm Names because they are not a part of their "product".  It's a pretty good idea not to.  All those names do is give more fuel to the hype machine.

My own reasons are pretty basic.   I lived in Metro Philadelphia most of my life.  I've been through countless winter storms.   Some of them were pretty scary and dumped more than two feet of snow on the roads.  I don't want to minimize things, they can be dangerous.  But adding to the fear of preparation, such as going to the supermarket and "buy Milk, Eggs, and Bread" with your whole zip-code, is irresponsible.

No, really that's the going joke.  Winter Storm is coming, you have to buy Milk, Eggs, and Bread and stand in line for hours.  After all, all your neighbors will be making French Toast the day of the storms because the cities have finally learned it makes more sense to close the main roads so your first responders can clear them and get to people who really DO need the help.

I think I'll make French Toast later, come to think of it...

So I'll be looking for a better place to get the weather information.  I've had quite enough of The Weather Channel's hype machine and screaming red bars for a storm that basically works out to be a strong Tropical Storm and rarely, maybe once a year, a weak Category 1 Hurricane equivalent.  I want to know when the storms will form because I want to know my sister, her husband, and my nephew will be safe in New Jersey.  That goes for my cousins in New York City and The Island too, but the hype has got to go.

Time to change some links I guess.  The Weather Channel has rendered itself next to useless to me.   Since I stopped watching their blather on cable, I've found that I am actually better informed.  They've become the Fox News of Weather Forecasting.

And Friends Don't Let Friends Watch Fox News.

11:16PM November 6, 2012

Just like many of us, I couldn't get to sleep.

I spent most of the evening skipping between the BBC, NPR, MSNBC, Miami Herald, and some of the other news sites looking for some information about this little election thing that happened.

BBC tends to give information about the US that is a little more "raw" at times since US media are either not allowed to disclose or decide not to for the sake of people in other areas.  I had voted a week before so that didn't really matter to me.

By the time the returns started filtering in it was a see saw battle of who was in front at any given time.

Finally after waiting for a computer backup to complete, I realized it was after 11 in the evening and having been up since 5 in the morning it was time to go to bed. 

I gave the news sites one more pass and concluded that I couldn't change the results and it was going to be close. 

Sleeping the computers, I got the dog up to go out front for one last sniff.   Staring up at the skies, I heard my neighbor Theresa.   She's a couple houses down and in the clear crisp quiet of a November night, she said to her husband that "ABC Just called Florida for Obama".  Less than a minute later "AP Called the election, Obama's Won!".

Theresa and her husband danced in the moonlight in front of their apartment and that made me smile.

If you have ever been in a stadium you may have experienced this effect.

I am near Wilton Drive.  I was standing a couple blocks away from it, roughly in the middle of its curvy mile.

As it turns out it was the perfect place to experience this outpouring of joy.

From the Drive, the bars erupted one after another with cheers.  My distance from them a perfect spot.  Where I was the sounds passed from one side to the other as if some great Celestial DJ was playing with the balance control.  From one ear to the other as each bar's sound hit me, it was a great sound of relief and joy.

After the bars calmed down, the cars on the streets begun to sound their horns and a few people in the distance started firing off firecrackers.

Then the fireworks started to report from Fort Lauderdale across the Middle River.   Cracks, pops and flashes all interspersed with sounds of joy.

I gathered up my dog, too old to hear the sounds in the distance, and went inside.

They Called The Election, Obama Has Won.  Montgomery Burns will go back to his little life and not get his extra Ivory Backscratcher. 

After all, every election needs a Simpsons Reference.

This morning, it all seemed a dream.  Just to "pinch myself to see if I was awake", I checked the Big Board on NPR.  Big Bird would have a job for another four years, NPR had confirmed what I heard from Theresa last night.  Obama Has Won.

One last state had not certified their results as of that time, 7AM.   Florida, my adopted home.   They really should change the state motto to:

Welcome to Florida.  The Fix Is In!

VOTE!!! For iPhone? Huh?

Sometimes these things just write themselves.

This morning, I was offered the following advice.

1) Vote a straight Democrat Party Ticket.
2) Vote NO on all Florida Amendments.  Seriously, they were written as "Poison Pills" to further erode the strength of the very wobbly middle class.  If you read them very carefully you will see what I mean.
3) Bring a small folding chair, water and maybe even food if you vote today.  You will be in line and you may be there for hours.
4) If you plan on voting Republican, remember that the lines will be much shorter tomorrow.

Oh and that title?  Vote for iPhone?   It is actually a game you can download and play to bash either Presidential candidate.   It is free at least today, and you can just swipe through the adverts so you can bash the Presidential candidate of your choice.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/vote!!!/id534309109?mt=8

I'm thinking on Wednesday this particular game won't be quite as fun to play no matter how things go.

Jonathan on the Big Bike

I decided I wanted to do a little more work on my latest little woodworking obsession, building iPhone docks out of bamboo.  Walking out to the shed, I knew I wouldn't find the tools I needed and a later trip to the hardware store would be in order.  Sometimes you do something in the hope that you're going to find what you need or something even better.

It's called Serendipity, and a lot of my life is lived that way.   Keep working on the task until you finish, or if you hit a roadblock, find something else equally productive to do.

I flicked the numbers on the lock to the combination, went in, and poked around on the workbench out back but couldn't find what I needed.  So much for a small circular file, lets poke around.

When I was preparing for the Big Move to Florida, I packed box after box of things I couldn't stand to lose and moved them down to the basement of my house on a hill in the big city.  They all got some sort of cryptic explanation of what was inside when they were parked.  A few of those boxes are left, although this one caught my eye out in the warm shed.  It was helpfully labelled "Bill's Books" and inside there was a cache of pictures.   These were old, probably more than 20 years old and I spotted the picture of my nephew Jon on my old Honda.  

When I'd roll up to Mom's House on that big bike, my nephew who was younger than 3 at the time would run and hide.   He was terrified of the thing.  All I had to do was put my hands on the bike and he'd run off scared. 

One day I decided that he needed a little help to get past his fear.   I took him aside and told him that I wanted to show him what the bike was. 

"Nooo Uncah Beel!  I Scared!"
Smiling to myself I said "Don't worry I won't let it hurt you."

We walked out to the front porch of the house and looked at it a while when I told him it was time, lets go see the bike.

Going across the cement to the resting hulk of metal must have felt like the last mile for the little kid, but he made it.

"Ok, just touch the seat"
His hand reached out as if it were going to be burned and made contact with the vinyl warmed in the New Jersey sun.
"WOW!"

The wonder of a toddler confronting his fears and realizing it was time to move on.

"Uncah Beel, it not scarey, it feel warm!"
"How would you like to sit on it?"
Hesitation until I scooped the kid up and in one motion he was on top of the Goldwing.
Once he was sitting on top his blue eyes got wide and he was smiling.

I reached for the key and said "We're not going anywhere on the bike.  I'm just going to start the motor"

Cranking the key, the 1200CC motor obediently roared to life.
My nephew started to squeal in delight.

Thinking "Yeah, kid the bike does that to me every time too" I grabbed the camera and squeezed off this picture.

This became my favorite picture of my nephew.   I have many others, in fact more pictures of him than I do of my own sister, his mom.  It was a memory to me of a moment when I helped someone much younger and smaller than I gain some knowledge and help him past a hurdle.

He never did get to ride the bike.  I didn't have a small helmet for him and didn't want to take the chance of breaking my nephew.  He meant too much to me to take the chance.  But the picture and the memory survived to this day.

A Little Catholic Sense of Humor

Even if a little confession is good for the soul, we all hate doing it.  Unless...



A little Catholic sense of humor




'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'!

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads...'

God Created Children - Humor

I'll admit it, I have a folder in my email just for days like this.  Velma sends me jokes, I chuckle and set them aside for later use.  I had this one around and thought I used it.  Senior moment I guess, because I hadn't. 

Anyway, perfect weekend to post this.  Right after Halloween, the day before you mess with your clocks to set them back an hour and gain an hour of sleep tomorrow morning even though you will wake up when your body is damn good and ready to and wonder why the shops aren't open, and simply because it's Saturday.


GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was 'DON'T! '

'Don't what ?' Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?  Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! '

'No Way! '
'Yes way! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit! 'said God.

'Why? '
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too! '
'DID NOT! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.  Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day!

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:


'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!