My Verbal Tic and the Parrot

We all have these phrases we repeat over and again.  Sometimes we don't realize it, but they are there.

It's called a Verbal Tic.  Just one of those things I guess.

Some folks start off a thought with a word.  "Well, I've ..." is common.  It gives you time to think, gather the rest of your thoughts before you run out of steam and wonder why on Earth you started to speak.

I didn't realize I had one until the other day.   Oscar the Parrot told me that I did by repeating to me what I say.

I'm used to making plans and following them out to their completion.  Part of being a Project Manager, I guess.  You get the plan going and then eventually you have to get started, right?

"Here we go."   Yep, it's mine.

I had been playing some music in the house in the Call To Flock hour.   That's when parrots in a flock will call to each other to gather themselves close for either the evening roost or the morning feed.  That racket you hear when the feral parrots fly overhead serves a purpose.  Other than to give you a headache or annoy you, that chattering and screaming will let the birds in a flock know where the rest are.  You see it in a Mall or a large shop when some kid is screaming for its Mom at the top of its lungs.

Shaddap both of you.  Never mind that, it's happened for centuries and will happen for centuries after this has been read for the last time.

My life tends to be rather ordered.  Certain things happen at certain times of day.  Meals are planned and served.  Dogs need to be walked.  There are trips out to the store.  Gardening to be done.   Many of those tasks have to be completed by more than one person, whether furred, feathered, or thin skinned.

That last one would be me.  Some of the others around me aren't quite so thin skinned, I'm sure.

We would go through the ritual of getting things settled and "Here We Go" dinner is ready.   "Here We Go" it's time to go to the stores and get a gallon of milk, some flour, frozen cherries, and some Fruit Pectin.

Yes, I'm planning on making more Cherry Jelly.  It's dead easy to do.

What I didn't realize was that telegraphing my intent was so frequent that the chattering that Oscar does now includes "Here We Go" along with "WAAAAAH!" and "Hello!" as well as other partial phrases and so forth.

He was barking and flapping and making a general nuisance of myself when I heard it clearly for the first time.

Did he just say "Here We Go"?
Yes I think he did.
I guess I really do repeat it enough.

Oscar the parrot has been with me since 1986.  He's a bit of a grumpy bird, but I guess he's finally finding himself someone to bond with.  I never thought it would be me, but I'm glad it is.

Now, if I could just convince him to let me listen to music loud once in a while without his own accompaniment, it might be a little better for me. 

There's this one Soca song that I want to hear on the speakers that was done to the NFL Football Sound Bed and if I can hear it, the neighborhood will hear "BRaahhhhSSS!" coming out of the house.

Elderly Lady's Revenge - Humor

An elderly lady's husband just passed away and to get things ready she went to the place that sells and engraves tombstones...


When she got there, she ordered the most expensive tombstone she could afford. They were married 65 years after all and; had 6 children, made lots of money, traveled many places, made lots of memories, and loved each other very much of course.

When paying for the tombstone, they asked what she would like engraved in the stone. To which she replied, "To my dearest husband, you were my love and my life. I cannot wait to see you again one day. Rest In Peace" as it was a common and courteous thing.

Later that day she went to find out what she would get of her husbands remaining possessions, as it turns out, he didn't leave her a thing, nothing. Not one item, not one car, not one penny.

The elderly lady was so furious. How could she not get anything after all they have been through? She knew her husband was tight with his money but this had to be a mistake. Going over the papers for a second, third, and fourth time it stayed the same. Nothing for the lady.

So the following day she goes back to the place she ordered the tombstone and said to the man running it, "I would like something added to my late husbands tombstone. You can keep everything I had on it. Especially the, 'Rest in Peace' , but I want you to add 'Until I Get There'."

Naming the Baby and Aging - Humor

Maybe I should have said "Humor?".


A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."


Aging

A young married couple was invited to their friend's home for dinner one evening. Their host was an elderly 82-year-old couple.

The young couple was impressed by the way the elderly man preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms like: "Darling, Sugar, Dear, Honey, Sweetheart," etc.

When the young man was alone with the old man in the veranda, the young man said, "I know both of you have been married for over 60 years and you are still so in love with one another. It's so wonderful after being married for so many years, you can still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man sighed, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 20 years ago."

Moondogs and 43

The first thing I noticed was that burrowing under a comforter, sheet, and a blanket didn't quite do the deal.  For South Florida, this is winter, this is cold.

Reaching for the phone, I waited for it to power up and I saw a red triangle with an exclamation point in it.  Normally that's for Rip Tides, and they're common.  Nobody is really out in the water at 5:30AM but the word does need to get out.

I checked it.  After living here since 2006, it was jarring to see the words "Freeze Warning".   My second thought was I wonder if it will rain Iguanas today?   Under 45 for any length of time and their cold blooded muscles lose grip and they fall from trees.  I'll keep an eye out for that later...

The Non-Urban areas of South Florida, also known as the Everglades, are under a Freeze Warning.   Warmer at the ocean and the heat island of the cities of our sprawl.   It's also warmer on the carport.  My phone said 43, my carport said 47.

Scant comfort.

I got Rack ready for our walk and stepped outside.  Two things that are strange to notice here.   Staring through the Palm Trees on our neighbor's yard to the one side, the moon had a halo around it.  This is a Moondog, and made for a pretty little distraction.   It was a solid hour before sunrise anyway.  The other thing was I had to look through the steam of my own breath to see it.

Ooo weird!  Whoadude!

So we're in for the cold.  At least we're in for what passes for cold.  When you're not used to it...  just shave another 15F off of your cold tolerance.   May have been 43, but I was dressed for 20.   Even Rack's morning enthusiasm was dampened.

When I got in, I checked the full text of the notice.  Meh, for me there's no impact.  I will just leave my sweatshirt on and hope that the winds stay down for the day.  If it doesn't, that will suck all the heat that my weak little heater will put back into the house.

Freeze Warning remains in effect until 8 am EST this morning.

• Temperature: The latest observations indicate that a few spots have dropped to and just below the freezing mark as of 7 am this morning, mainly across Glades County. A few of the typically cooler spots across Hendry and Collier County have also reach the freezing Mark through the early morning hours. Elsewhere, overnight lows have ranged from the mid 30s across the interior areas of Palm Beach and Broward to the Lower 40s across the interior areas of Miami-dade.
• Impacts: below freezing temperatures may cause damage to agricultural concerns.

Recommended actions

A Freeze Warning means temperatures of 32 degrees or lower are imminent or highly likely, for any duration of time. These conditions will kill crops and other sensitive vegetation.

Oh well, basically it means that for the next 10 days, the A/C is left off since the highs will be in the low to mid 70s.  Tough work if you can get it, right?

So, Snowbirds, stay home.  You'll force a beach day and wear shorts and flipflops ... and we will all laugh.

Hmmm... then again, we all could use a good laugh!

My Dog Does Not Like Classical Music

I grew up a confused little boy thinking that the BBC World Service was a local radio station.   When I was Two and a Half, I discovered "Dad's Radio".  It's a Blaupunkt table radio with tubes in it and I have it to this day.  Datestamped October 1956, it's a true antique in its own right.

The music that the BBC played when I was a child was classical, strictly.  That British Invasion music that those who are a bit older than I am so enjoy was never played on the BBC, locally or on the World Service until the late 60s.  As a result, there are times when I just want to listen to Classical.

In my house, there's almost always something playing, although it is typically some form of Dance Music - Disco, Swing, or Trance.  It helps to drown out any outside noises, and makes it easier for me to concentrate when I am doing something for one of the groups I consult for.  Music makes for a better website.

My dog, Rack, appreciates it as well since on Tuesdays and Fridays when the trash trucks come through, he panics.  Those roaring beasts in green come through and I know that I won't see the dog until they're well away from here.

He's amazingly intelligent, a McNab Dog always is.  He's figured out my own schedule, and is usually nearby when I am doing something. 

This particular day, our schedule got disturbed.   We've had work done in the house, and outside.  The lighting along the back Utility Easement has started getting "glitchy" lately and needed maintenance.  Luckily my neighbor, Bill, is helping out with that.  We had gotten the wrong kind of boxes for the wiring, so a trip to the hardware store was coming up.  Last night we decided to get the boxes for when Bill could come back and work on these things again.

The first thing I did after we all finished dinner was to reach for the controller for the internet radio.  It is piped through three rooms and covers the house well.  I turned on the Classical station after turning off the TV.

Rack immediately got wise and began to fidget.   TV On is normal, Classical On means they're going out.

Since a trip to the hardware store meant that he couldn't come in, and since the hardware store we were going to was in Fort Lauderdale, and in a rather questionable area on Sunrise Boulevard, Rack had to stay home.

Rack doesn't like being away from me.  I am Rack's Job.  He has decided to be my companion, my protector, and my warning device.  In his black and white striped world, that means he has to be with me.

When the internet radio put out its one commercial announcing the station and begging for donations to the symphony, Rack trotted over to the front door and sat down.

I was still gathering myself together, but when I was ready, I claimed the door.   Claiming the door means standing between the door and the dog and making sure he understood that This Door Is Mine.  It works, he won't go outside unless I tell him he can.  The training is still in progress, he's not perfect, but we've got time.

Rack looked up at me, ears down, eyes wide open in a look right out of a comic book.  Dad, Take Me Too! he was saying. 

Nope!

I gathered the crowd together and Kevin had a bright idea.  "Lets go out by the Laundry Door!  He won't expect that!".

Never doubt a McNab's ability to learn!

The three of us trotted out to the laundry and Rack stopped at the foot of the kitchen.   The kitchen has the evil Trashcan with the warning stainless steel bowl on top.  He doesn't like walking past that so he won't come fully into the kitchen ... or so we thought.  

One at a time we got out of the house, locked the door, and climbed into the car.  

As we fired up the motor, I looked at the door.   It's a frosted glass Jalousie affair that I had swapped out two panels of frosted glass for clear for my old dog Lettie.  She would spend time looking out on the world from that door whenever we went out.   She loved that door, and it kept her entertained and off my furniture. 

Rack hadn't discovered the Lettie Window until last night.  I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car when I spotted two glowing eyes and a black and white face staring back at me.   Rack had gotten past his fear of the evil Trashcan Monster!

Finally, our little boy was growing up.  We got a chuckle out of him bending down to look out the windows, I guess I'll have to adjust that to suit his taller frame.  At least that one time Rack had discovered he could see out the door and look out into the world.

The strains of Chopin played on as we backed out of the driveway and went on our way to get our supplies.  But Rack had found a new view on life, classical music or not.

Can Someone From Key West be a Snowbird?

I got the call just 24 hours before:  Can you pick me up at the airport in Fort Lauderdale tomorrow around 2?

That's my fault.  After many false starts, David finally gets his week off.  It's January, and this is his week off from August. 

Time management issues aside, I'm glad to play host.  After all, I can always throw an extra egg on the griddle or make a double batch of something.  Is that really "extra"?  Not on your life.

So as the week progresses, I spend the time getting caught up on things.   He comes and spends the day with someone here who is trying to convince him to "move up here", or rather I should say "someone else here" who is.  Key West is a beautiful island but it "ain't what it used to be".

It is kind of amusing to watch someone on vacation.  They ask directions and get them wrong.  You'll get a panicked phone call from time to time, but by this point, David knows his way around town.  Since this is a very compact area, and he doesn't want to Do The Beach Thing, I don't have to move the car much.

No, you may not borrow the Jeep, I'll drive.  It's a stick shift and you are decidedly, British.

Besides, there's rumors of a Friday lunch at the big Chinese Buffet.  I'll make sure to wear the loose pants that day.

I've already repaired two of his computers, so I can put my feet up and let things happen.  He will get me out of the house at some point.  I know of this thrift shop that he likes to walk into and buy too many clothes to take back, and I could always use a new pile of kitchen gadgets.

The only drawback is the dog.  He's skittish on a good day, and while he doesn't mind David, this is His House after all.  So he's off his food.  I'm now feeding a dog in special places like under the table that he adopted as his second crate, or just setting the food bowl on his foot so he will have to move it to get up.  Lazy Critter, you need to eat.

Since the decaf has been disappearing, I will be roasting extra coffee too.  The neighborhood will smell nice before the fronts come in later this week and cool off the world for a while.  Roasting coffee in the cold weather will slow things down and throws off my brew.  Can't have that!

How Can Your Dog Dance To The North If Your Compass Is Broken?

Ever since the article came out, we've got something else to obsess over.  Dog Walk OCD, I guess.

In the early morning hours, walking through the city, we've come to notice that there's a routine.  It's not a perfect one but it is ours.

There was a scientific discovery that dog owners are chuckling about all over and now I join the ranks.  The idea is to take your dog out for a walk.  Eventually dogs will do what dogs will do and squat to relieve themselves.  When they poo, they will try to align themselves on a North-South axis.

Rack's compass doesn't work.  It may be sticky, but I've noticed he's not very good at it.  Even if he is pointing North in this picture, he just doesn't always find his way.

We will walk around 3 to 6 miles a day, and when he gets the urge, there is a ritual. 

First we start to speed up.  His pace gets a bit quicker.  Walking With A Purpose I suspect.

Then he will begin to veer off the pavement.  Not knowing why this happens, I begin to pull him back.  Steer him back to the walkway. 

Of course he's trying to go away from the street so I'm beginning to get clued in as to why he wants to annoy the neighbors and impose himself on their privacy.

So I have a 45 pound black and white dog stretching my arm out.  I'm pretty tall, but doing a Stretch Armstrong act is usually what follows.

Then the spiral happens.  "It's Time To Dance, Rack?" as he begins to spin around.  It is never always one direction, not so that we have noticed.  The path looks like a nautilus shell, beginning to curve inwards in ever tighter spirals when he stops.

Everyone then takes notice.  If the street points due North, has he ... nope!  The theory goes that you're supposed to have a dog that aligns themselves on a North-South Axis, someone has to find this dog's compass and give it a little nudge.   He just hasn't found his North yet.

Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't.

That spin may have thrown him off.  The dance can get quite frenetic, spinning around like a Whirling Dervish looks comical, as he does this spin around the drain thing. 

Perhaps he's distracted.  There could be a leaf moving on a tree 40 miles away in Miami and he would notice it.  You just try to point your butt when something especially interesting happens as you're spinning yourself dizzy like a top.  Go ahead, I'll wait, but don't fall over.  It could get messy if you knock over a lamp.

The reality is that the study was done with dogs off leash.  As fast as my Rack is, I don't think he's ready for Off Leash Walking yet.   There may be a dog he's friendly with a block and a half away and I was never really a fast runner.  Distance, yes, but speed, no.

Once he's settled in, science aside, the fun and games are over and the work begins.

Does someone have a plastic bag?

Home Repair and Sourdough Don't Mix

Hey what are you doing?

Getting ready to make bread.

Can you come out and hold the ladder?

Nope, got to make some dough.

You left this out.  What is it?  It smells like beer and looks like wallpaper paste that went bad.

I know, it's resting.

What is resting?

Mother.

Mother what?

Sourdough starter, Mother.  I left it out overnight to "revitalize it".

Why on Earth would you leave wallpaper paste out overnight and how does that make it revitalized.

It's not wallpaper paste, it's Mother.  Mother needed to rest, it was getting a bit flat.

Isn't Mother a "She" and not an "it"?

No, Mother is an It due to the rules of English Language.  Mother is a Sourdough starter.   Remember, yeast plus sugar plus ...

Yeah, wanted to talk to you about that.  You turned the Fridge into a Science Lab.  I need to get the Chicken in there to marinade and you have all this "weird" stuff in there.  Ball Jars with beige and white liquids.  It's going to come to life and ...

It is alive.

...attack me!  What?  Alive?

Mother is alive.  Live yeast and bacteria culture.

Oh GROSS!

Shaddap, you don't like Sourdough anyway and you don't eat the stuff at any rate!

What's this junk anyway?  Looks like...

Yogurt.

Was going to say.

And you don't eat that so put it back.  Tastes great with Cranberry Sauce.

Leave it to you, you're the only person I know who eats Cranberry Sauce in January.

Reminds me, add Whole Berry Cranberry Sauce to the shopping list.  We are down to 1 spare can.

Ugh... ok...
So why are you boiling water?

Because Sourdough takes a solid 24 hours to rise.  I don't want the crust to dry out.   It doesn't get crispy when the top of the dough is dry.

You're going to tie up the oven again I see...

Makes better bread.  Good bread takes time.  Bad bread is "Wonder".

I thought you were going to make bread.  Why are you pouring Mother into the mixing bowl in the sink.

The bowl is clean, I'm going to build the dough in that with the dough hook.  We have the ingredients today.  Shouldn't you be outside painting something?

Yes, and will you come out and hold the ladder?

Are you sure you want me to "hold" the ladder?

Yes, Smarty, hold the ladder.

Ok, But can you go do something somewhere else while I get the dough made up?  One batch, split between Hoagie Rolls and Sandwich Rolls.

Leave it to you.  Little Moose on the Prairie.

We don't live on the Prairie, this is the Tropics.  That reminds me, we need cream, I have to churn butter and make buttermilk for biscuits.  Can you add it to the list?   We'll use the leftover to make Butter Pecan Ice Cream.

*sigh* ok, I'll take the hint.  I'm going out to set up the ladder.   Come out when you can.

Ok.  Didn't want to put you to work or anything.  While you're at it...

*SLAM*

Being a Mascot

Being a Mascot

At the age of 17, I attended high school.
Our school's mascot was the lion, and the rival's was a tiger.  I was the guy in the lion suit.

One day at a game against my school's rival, I was doing the typical cheering on the team and keeping the crowd happy.

Me and the other mascot would have small playful battles, like exchanging tricks.

I was so much better. Tiger became angry.

At halftime, the tiger challenged me to a plastic sword fight, and I obviously accepted. It starts and we exchange hits, hurting a bit. I was winning, when the Tiger got really mad and threw his sword down and starts punching me hard. I back off, angry, not wanting to continue the fight.

The Tiger mask was staring at me with it's smug tiger eyes, and I became mad. The Tiger waves his arms at the crowd, and gets applause. His back is towards me, and I rush towards him.

I plunge my hand into his mask and rip out one of the Tiger's eyes. He was scared. I knocked him down and jumped on top of the tiger. I beat the daylights out of him, probably broke his nose.

A ref pulls me off and takes me to my coach.

My coach says "What made you do that?"

I sat there for a second thinking and eventually I say, "It was the eye of the tiger, it was the thrill of the fight, standing up to the challenge of our rivals."

The Man Who Loved Tractors and a bonus

The man who loved tractors

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them.

He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor "Adult Literature" (which is not easy to find mind you).

The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".

Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.

Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper.

He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner.

The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.

After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.

When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."



A Bonus



So a guy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom and he goes to get flowers and there's this ridiculously long line, but he waits and gets the flowers.

Then he goes to get the limo and there's another long line he has to wait in and he hates it.

So he picks up his date and when they get there there's another line they have to wait in to get in, he's fed up with waiting now.

Finally, they get inside and his date says she's thirsty.

He goes to get her something to drink and luckily, there's no punch line.