The Blonde Girl At School

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Five Limericks

My sheepherding buddy named Paul
Had thirty four sheep in a stall
He had to transport
For Chinese export
I told him to get a ewe haul

I’m headed for Europe, it’s true
It’s something I’ve wanted to do
To the land of Hans Brinker
I go hook, line, sinker
I really do love it, wooden shoe?

The cow in the barn had to mutter
The bug buzzing her all aflutter
Had just without doubt
Used a very odd route
Flew in one ear and out the udder

Little, if anything, shows
All that's wrong with your lacklustre prose
Quite as clearly as that which
Engendered the spat which
Is currently causing your woes. 

When reading most nursery rhymes,
it’s vital you don’t skip a line.
‘Cause “stuck in his thumb,
and pulled out a plum”
needs context to make it benign.

Incoming Dog? What the Heck?

Incoming Dog?  What the Heck?

When you adopt a dog, you know you're going to have an interesting time of it.  There are things done right, some things done wrong.  I have always had great luck with herding dogs. 

Lettie was a "Mostly McNab cross with Probably Border Collie" and she was all Dog Of A Lifetime.  But a Dog Of A Lifetime is never born, but built.

Enough with the alliteration, the point is that while Lettie was initially fearful, we were able to meet in the middle and she became so closely bonded to us that she would anticipate our needs and exceed them every time.  I did have to teach her not to try to herd busses and joggers, but she taught me that she could be trusted just about anywhere.

Rack, my McNab SuperDog (TM) I knew was going to be a handful.  He's highly fearful, even now after having him for three years.

Wow, has it been that long?

The first walk that I had with him here he flattened out on the street that late night when we got him home.  There was an airplane making an approach to Fort Lauderdale airport and he didn't like that it was overhead. 

He's not afraid of airplanes any more, but the 50 bus and him are not exactly friends. If he's in the car when a diesel truck is next to our car, he is flattened out under the seat in the foot well.

All those triggers you hear about?  Yep, he's got them.  Any kind of bang and he jumps.  Loud percussive sounds are horrible for him.  Forget the Fourth of July!

So the other Thursday night when I heard a trash can lid slam, I looked down at him to see how he managed it.  His Place is on his mat next to my chair.  My chair being one of those bouncy Ikea Poang Chairs, it is low and "rightsized" to my 6 foot 4 inch frame.  It also allows me to look directly at the TV across the room at exactly the right height.  I had moved back to it because the big green recliner was too high and I found my neck sore after a movie too many.

Tall people?  Try one of those Poangs.  If not new, you can find yours at a thrift store like I did for a song.  I upgraded mine to leather seat covers a while back so it looks much more "Living Room" instead of "Dorm Room".

But we had a while to go before The Last Walk of the Day. I forgot about the slam next door. 

He hadn't.

I got up to brush my teeth before the walk, and came wandering out to the Living Room.  I was told that he was relocating himself in an eye-blink.

Rack, being a McNab SuperDog (TM) has a habit of doing everything quickly.  As long as it involves him going from one place to another, he moves quite fast.  He will run around my suburban backyard so fast that when he corners around the big palm tree, he is just millimeters from the turf.  Lets call it 89.9 degrees from vertical.  Slide a piece of paper in there between him and the grass.  Then he will run past me in a black and white blur into the wormhole that is behind the shed and visit his other family in the alternate dimension where dogs vanish to when they're enjoying themselves with a bit of a romp.

Coming back into our dimension, he'll run around tearing up the turf, sliding past me in a time shifting vortex, and generally disproving that theory that the speed of light is the ultimate speed limit.  It isn't, Rack readily runs faster than the speed of light.

Or so it seems.

In this case though, he wasn't running.  He was perched on my Poang.

Mind you, a Poang is not proportioned for a mid-sized dog.  They lean backwards, the bottom part of the seat isn't flat, and the back is at a good reclining angle.  They also bounce easily.

Rack was bouncing.  Having just got there, he was settling in and the chair's bentwood frame was flexing with his effort.   He bounced.  I realized that it was actually bouncing to his panting.  He was still fearful, still afraid.

The psychology as I see it was simple.  I'm the Alpha dog here.  He's a weak Beta, or even an Omega dog.  What ever baggage he had from his first seven months of life were still there and I have worked with him to get rid of some of it.  He's down to a steamer trunk, a large piece of baggage nonetheless.

We struggled to get his leash and harness on him once I finished my own rituals, and then told him "Let's Go Walk!".

I got the dog equivalent of "Nope.".  He sat there panting and bouncing staring at me with wide open eyes.

How to do this, gently?  I said out loud "I wonder if there is a storm incoming?".

On the word Incoming, Rack became Radar from M*A*S*H.  Or more likely, the entire 4077th.  He snapped to action and flew out of the Poang chair and vaulted to the door moofing the entire way.

I had forgot.  We inadvertently trained him to think "Incoming" was someone at the door.  As "Oh look, someone is Incoming up the driveway and I the Dog have to announce my presence".

Being an Omega, he was moofing unsteadily but doing his job telling us that someone was there.

There wasn't and we still had to get him outside.

It turned out that there was a happy coincidence, Kirby.  My neighbor.

Rack has his favorite people, and Kirby is one of them.  He was going out with his own dog named "D.O.G."  who is a 165 pound Rottweiler crossed with Love Sponge and both of them had made it to the middle of their driveway across the street.  When Rack saw that, the fear vanished and he was in overexcited goofy puppy mode, bouncing and yipping at his long lost friends.

We did manage to spend a bit of time together, and joy of all joys, Rack, and the pack were able to walk together the quarter mile to the far side of the block here. 

How about that.  Sometimes a boom is just a precursor to a really great walk. 

Silly dog!

A Preacher Was Completing A Temperance Sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

An Amish boy and his Father were visiting a mall

An Amish boy and his Father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

The Flu or How I Lost a Week And A Half But Gained A Yard of Flowers

I think that the flu is one of those things we're all expected to get through.

That is to say, it is more like the closest thing to death that we'll get through and everyone will just shrug and go on.

Having a cold, you seem to think "Hmm, I feel off" and you muddle through.

The Flu?  Each time I have had it, and I can only think of three times, it has been the same.

10:24AM - Yay, feel great, lets go do stuff!
10:25AM - Hmm, This isn't quite right.
10:26AM - A cold?  Is this a cold?
10:27AM - I had better check the fridge, are there enough supplies, this isn't normal.

It always is a Fast Onset like that.  Bang, you're down. 

The last two times I had it it I thought, Ok, well it's going to be four days of down, plus a few days of the wobblies, but no worries.

Hah.  Just Hah.

That particular morning, I had a memorial service I wanted to go to.  A good friend had died and I was told about a month before that there would be a get together and I was specifically invited.   He knew that he wasn't going to make it and wanted to make certain that I could get there and visit with family and friends.

Sorry, Emilio, but someone somewhere decided that I was going to have the flu that particular day.

I say it that way because it was a friend of a friend who went to work with the flu and inoculated her entire office.  I am collateral damage.

Being one of those people who never can just sit down and be sick, I got started on some projects.  Things that I knew I wanted to do but didn't want to do until I was in the right frame of mind.  I had some sewing that needed doing because I went past the Stitch In Time and it needed about 100 stitches.  I had a laptop that had to be completely disassembled and put back together.

Laptops are usually one of those "Clear The Deck" things.  You never want to do that in a rush.  This one took me through lunch time and it worked.  In fact, the original owner, happy with having the data recovered, told me to keep the machine.

Oh no, please take it, I don't need another machine, please, oh please.

It's still here.  Along with another one.

Oh well.

Day two was full on Flu.  We laid in supplies and thought that it would be a total of another four days.  Blown weekend and all.

And then it hit like a tornado.  Around day five I realized that I was scheduling a trip out back to the yard.  As in "I have to walk the 30 feet to the back of the yard to pour a half cup of water into some bamboo I am trying to clone, will I make it" schedule.

I made it.  That day was day four.  It was not fun. 

There are things that the world would expect you to keep doing.  If you look at tasks that you do, you realize that you have them on a schedule.  Every single day like OCD. 

Mine is Spanish. 

I log into a website called duolingo.com and practice with some basic Spanish quizzes.  I set my goal very low so that all I had to do was one quiz in case I got tied up.  See, I was thinking.  Be able to do it in case I got busy and was traveling.

Good thing that I did that.

I had been doing 30 questions a day for a very long time.  Duolingo has a graph on it.  When you hit a point where you skip, the graph dips.

Duolingo told me when the depth of the Flu was.  It was mid week, day 6 of a four day flu.  It took me all morning to get one quiz done.  It usually takes me about 10 minutes for all three.  By the end of the day when I passed out shivering in the cold, I had only completed two quizzes. 

I think that day, my bamboo didn't get watered either.  In the stand of bamboo out back that is about 10 feet across, about 5 feet off the ground there are two plastic bags tied to the stalk.  In the bags is a small handful of soil that I was keeping moist.

Luckily on Day 7, the soil was still slightly moist. 

I walked out back, watered it, walked back in.

By Day 8 the coughing started.  I walked out to the bamboo, and the dog followed me.  I thought to myself, "How did Rack get walked last week".

I still don't know.

Coming back to the house, I noticed that there were orchids blooming that hadn't bloomed before.  The Milkweed was in flower.  The Mango tree on the corner was in full flower.  My podocarpus cuttings were either dying or rooting, depending on the Gods of the Garden.

I had very little idea what caused it all.  Things just "happen" in a garden, whether you want them to or not.  Blink and it all goes wild.  I had had carrots, onions, green onions, and a rogue rutabaga planted back there.  It's all under a layer of clover now.  Have to find that stuff, quick.

Long past a blink, this was an 8 day black out.

Spanish on Day 9 was all about medical terminology.  Enfermedad - sickness.   Muerte - death. 

I was finally coming out of it enough to enjoy the irony.   The little laptop was telling me "Estoy amando tus labios" and I was thinking it was creepy that the machine that I breathed life back into was saying "I am loving your lips".

You know you are finally coming back when you are thinking of all of the times when some fool said that Flu Shots don't work.  Funny thing about that, I don't remember getting one this year.  I will remember the flu.

And those lips that my laptop seems to like.

The Mother In Law's Test

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Sons- in- law for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law and jumps in.
He saves her.

Next morning he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law and jumps in.
He too saves her.

Next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law and jumps in.
He just laughs and walks away.

 Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note : from your Father In Law!

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action...

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more frantic coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other in the way only two people in the first flush of lust can... But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: 'You mean I've been here already?'

(Senior Moments can have their advantages).

Thinkpad X201 Dissambly and The Flu

I have to ask myself what is this fascination of tearing apart computers when I have "a cold".  In this case, The Cold turned out to be The Flu.  It wasn't fun.  I'm at about day 5 and this is the first day that I'm clear enough to sit down and write.

The back story goes that I was handed a wee little laptop.  Thinkpad X201 if you are following along.  It's a pocket rocket of a machine, i7 processor, 8GB of memory, 500 GB mechanical hard drive.  All of that was crammed into a 12 inch case.  It predates the whole "Ultrabook" computer thing where people started building machines that were thin, light, and powerful.  The Mac Book Air is a prime example of what they tried to emulate.

I think they got the power right.  I was told "I have data on this that I need recovered, then see what you can do with it, it's got a heat problem".

What Thinkpad doesn't?  Lenovo switched to a heat sink compound a while back that has the consistency of Silly Putty or dried tub caulk.   That is to say that it dries out and flakes away.  I found that out later when I opened the machine and had little grey bits of goo fall out onto the table.

What I did was to recover the data, there wasn't much because the machine was not trusted, and then reload it.  It came with Windows 7 so I reinstalled that, then I made sure that Windows 10 would never get onto the machine by turning Windows Update to manual only and checked each update on the list to make sure it wasn't rumored to be either Windows 10 Related or Windows Telemetry.  I don't like what Microsoft is doing to a once very stable operating system and neither should you.

There is also a registry setting that will help keep that horrible pest off your computer, but if you have that little nag box sitting in your task bar you can be guaranteed that you will be "upgraded" to Windows 10 Home. 

No.  Not on your best day.  I am not allowing that.

When I was chatting with someone he suggested I put it on a torture test and recommended Prime 95 which calculates prime numbers.  It also turns any given machine into a furnace.  I was typing in chat that it was playing well when "Black Screen".  The processor hit 100C and turned off.   Yes, as in Boiling Water Temperature.  Processors these days tend to run 50C or cooler.  100C under load is going to shorten the life of the machine.  It needed help.

I found a series of videos, one that showed how to disassemble the machine so that the motherboard could be removed.  The second one showed the reverse order how to reassemble it.  By the time I had fully tore this little machine apart, I had nothing left in the case and a mother board on the table with the heat sink below it with a few random coins for size comparison.

If you are curious, there's a game token, a penny, a UK Pound and a UK Two Pound coin.



I ran that video in stop motion, and every time that the author removed a screw, I removed the same.  It took me about 20 minutes to tear it down.  The picture at the top is the result.  The blue squares are the processors and the heat sink compound.  They were cleaned with Rubbing Alcohol, and the lot was reassembled with the second video one screw at a time.



So if it was so straightforward, why am I writing about it?  So I have the info for later.  Complete with the videos.

Oh, make sure you have a little cup to put all those little screws into.  There were two sizes and they have to be put back in the same holes.  Luckily the video went "Large Screw" first, "Small Screw" Second.

Good luck, Future Me if you have to tear it down.  But after a week of beating it up, it's a great little laptop to go onto its owner if I can convince him to take it back!

And if you are not "Future Me", the Standard Internet Warranty applies - this is at your own risk, if your following these instructions turn your laptop into a dragon that consumes you or starts a fire, or causes any sort of damage, you are on your own because I can't take any responsibility for that. 

Besides, I still have the flu.

A Bunch of Short Jokes I Shamelessly Stole

I have a friend who is a structural engineer.  He's always complaining about stress at work.

I became a proud dad today.  My son is actually four but he was an annoying little kid for the first three years.

How does every racist joke start?   With someone looking over their shoulder.

Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?  Because he had to go to the Bat Room.

Back in the day there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.  Nobody knew y.

How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?  With a steak to the heart.

So a Harley Davidson rolls into a bar and the bartender asks what would it like?  RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?   Phillipe Phillope

What is the opposite of Marshmallow?  Well, I guess it would be marshmadness.

Which is worse, Ignorance or Apathy?   I don't know and I don't care.

Why can't a centipede fly coach?  Not enough leg room!

 So I was in the bar the other day.  When i started hearing voices saying "nice shoes" and "lovely smile", I started wondering who was saying it so i went to the bartender and said "Mate, do you know who keeps saying nice things to me" He replied "Its the peanuts mate" I replied "Peanuts, What do you mean" The bartender replied "Yea they're complementary".

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

What do you call a factory that produces quality goods?  A satisfactory.