Friday, January 7, 2011

Humor in the Courts

Kevin sent me this particular one.  I think it's safe for work, although the first one ... well, you judge for yourself.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place..
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:    We both do.
WITNESS:     We do.
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS:     Did YOU actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:     Yep, he's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS:     None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS:     Your Honour, I think I need a different Attorney.  Can I
get a new Attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:    All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our
government and courts have lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.

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