I have a meat cutters joke, but I'd probably butcher it.

 I'm sitting in the big green chair.  I'm also getting dirty looks from Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) to go yet again for a walk.  Since the Coffee was excellent this morning and I'm feeling my Caffeine, I think I'll just leave this here to thaw out like the bun on the counter waiting for breakfast.



 
 A man wakes up one morning and farts. It sounds like "Honda!"

This puzzles him, so he does it again. "Honda!"

He makes an appointment with his doctor to get that checked out. When he demonstrates for the doctor (Honda!) the doctor says "Don't worry; I've seen this before. Go down the hall, three doors to the left and see the dentist."

"Dentist!" says the man. "This has nothing to do with my teeth!"

The doctor says "Trust me; I've seen this before." So the man goes down the hall and demonstrates for the dentist: (Honda!)

The dentist says that he's seen this before and asks him to sit in the chair. He pulls a rotten tooth and shows it to the man. "Look, this tooth was rotten." The man farts again and it sounds perfectly normal!

He says "This is insane. How do you explain this?"

The dentist looks him straight in the eye and tells him "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."



While I will say that fart jokes are juvenile, they are indeed universal.  Even Gorillas laugh at the sound of them and since they are huge and vegetarian, I would suspect they hear them frequently.

Brappppp!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

 

Yes, this one is an antique.  And it is a bit ... morbid but hey you know me!




 Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime: "God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa."

He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). 

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the mailman drops dead on the steps...

 

Hey Snowbirds! Come get your weather, it's drunk and on my lawn and there is a Falling Iguana Alert.

I woke early.  Yeah, I know, what else is new.  I haven't even acclimated to the change to Eastern Standard Time yet.  

This was different.  I was cold and in bed.

I reached over to grab the phone, and of course it fell on the floor and woke the dog.  Looked at the conditions.  48 Degrees at a quarter to 5 in the morning.  9 Whole Degrees C.

YUCK.

I pulled the covers back over my head muttering something about the old saw of "I'm going to be a stereotype".  How do you spot a Floridian?  They're dressed in a coat and long pants at anything less than 70F.  Call that 21C in EuroSpec.

"Rack you have to wait, I need to put on clothes!".

My normal pre-dawn routine is to let Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) out into the yard.  It's secluded so I tend to do so in a pair of silk boxers.

Ok, not silk but synthetic and that's not important. 

I opened the back door when I put on the retro styled black jeans I got in the 1990s and chuckled that when the sun came up they'd warm me up.  Snarling at the cold winds falling off the roof I walked out with the dog.

Who proceeded to stand there and stare at the stars.

I put CBC Radio 1 on the headphones and caught the 5AM news bulletin while waving my hands in the air at the dog.

"Go on, boy!  Do your business!  I hate being out here!".

He walked about 10 feet away.

I started following him to get him out there doing his morning snuffle.

Checking the conditions again and shaking my head.  "Winds are 16MPH gust 25?" I say to nobody in particular.  Making my peace with it, I start the irrigation on the flowers and head inside.  

Rack was nowhere to be seen but I wasn't going to "freeze" out there waiting.

The house was cooling, it was only 70 indoors.  This box of rocks was going to get a blast of heat to see if the heater was working.  It had not been turned on since our last "cold" day back in March.  I was told that it is a 1200 Watt heater which to me is about the same as the blow dryers they used to sell and I use to dry out inline skate bearings when cleaning them out.

Can't have your bearings rust before they even get onto a wheel, can we?

But it is just enough to take the edge off the chill.  Many houses here don't even have heaters in them.  Air Conditioning is what made the summer heat tolerable here, and while I am well suited to the hot weather, August here is evil.

Having fed Mr Dog, I was hearing Michael Enright announce that I was listening to CBC Rewind featuring 75 years of archival programming from the vaults of the CBC.  Today I found myself listening to Cross Canada Checkup interview in 1985 with Frank Zappa on censorship in the record industry both in the US and Canada.

I also found myself agreeing whole heartedly with Mr Zappa as I walked around some more snowbirds.  I knew they weren't from here because here we were an hour and a half before sunrise.  I was in my motorcycle jacket, jeans, boots, and a sweatshirt swearing at the weather.  The snowbird was in shorts and a long sleeve shirt.

I muttered something rude under my breath about people from Up North need to dress for the conditions.  I am sure that the snowbird thought something similar about me.

I live about 8 miles south of the freeze line according to the weather service.  The coldest I have ever seen here in the 19 years I have lived in the Greater Fort Lauderdale Area was 34F.  1C.  I did once see a few flakes of snow flurries but it also could have been dust blown off the trees.

I have no proof either way, and I'll accept either explanation.

Of course up comes the news bulletin on the hour.  The end of the news was an item about the weather here.  Yes, we have a "Falling Iguana Alert".  They started, on CBC, talking about how Jacksonville was -2.  I was shocked, then after a mental 3 count, I realized they are Metric and it was 2 degrees C below freezing.  29F give or take.  Having a bit of a laugh, I was on a watch for falling iguanas through the rest of my walk.  No iguanas, yet.

I ran into a friend here who is a Police Sergeant.  Just returning from getting his coffee, he saw me out there trying not to lose my broad brimmed hat in the wind and said hello.  "Hey, Frank!  How about that ride-along?  Perfect day to get me out of the cold!".

I got a hearty laugh out of him as I wandered back towards the house into the wind.  Conditions here are pretty predictable.  Winds come from the East, generally, off the ocean and right down the street.   They're funneled down the canyon of the main drag.  If you drop something light, say a $20 bill on one side of town it will float on the breeze until it finds me bending down to pick it up on the West side of the central business district.

"No I didn't see what you dropped, can you describe it?"
"Sorry!  Can't help!"

I got Mr Dog back to the house and immediately started the kettle to make coffee.  It is a good day for a second cup.

Rack, to his credit, wanted to go back out to the yard.  Immediately.  So he could stare at the skies and watch the trees move.

I swear that dog must have been a stoner in a prior life.  He goes through the day looking at things and being amazed.

Me?  I just leave the sweatshirt on and go about my business.  Today is a good day to do a roast in the oven, you know.  Maybe a little roast pork for later.  It will help to warm up the house, just a bit.

Or so I tell myself.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 I have not started an actual fire in quite a while.  I used to have one of those grills that you would start the charcoal in a chimney with newspaper.  Always had paper on hand since I had parrots to line the cage but it would throw off the burgers if I used it.

And yes, I was not terribly effective in getting that chimney going.  Propane is so much easier.





 A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3 AM

The man got up and found a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” said the husband. “It’s 3:00 in the morning!” He slammed the door and went back to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he replied.

“Did you help him?” she asked.

“No, it’s 3 AM and pouring rain!” he grumbled.

“Well, you have a short memory,” said his wife. “Don’t you remember a few months ago when our car broke down and two strangers helped us? You should be ashamed. God loves drunk people too, you know!”

Feeling guilty, the man got dressed and went back out into the rain.

He called into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

“Do you still need a push?” asked the husband.

“Yes, please!” replied the voice.

“Where are you?” asked the man.

“I’m over here… on the swing!”

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 I have heard that particular quote many times.  I know, I researched it!

I have a teacher joke, but I have to explain it to you.




 A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it." 

When the Support Team is gone for a month, it is time for an enforced pause in the workouts.

I have had a good run this year.

No injuries, some skating, a lot of cycling.  One long break in July and right back to the workouts.  I'm on the way to 2500 miles on the bike this year.  I doubt 3000 miles is possible at my pace.

August.  Made it through the whole month.  August in South Florida can be punishingly hot.  The peak of that was stop at the car and dump a 20 ounce bottle of water all over myself and use the skin suit as an air conditioner.

Think of it as a big yellow swamp cooler.  Yeah, that's what I will call it, my spandex swamp cooler.

What this nonsense is all about is that my "Support Team" is on the way to London.  Right now, my feet are on the coffee table (don't tell 'Mom'), and the Team is in the Miami Airport waiting on an overnight flight.

I seem to get about a five or six month run between breaks so I am right on time now.  The next three weeks, I have to figure out what to do with myself so that I don't go nuts.  

Also, the normal pattern is well and truly shattered.

I tell people that I am an athlete.  Trainer level.  Dual Sport Athlete, Elite Inline Skater, Intermediate Cyclist.  I'll pause that since I don't want to give myself a bruise patting myself on the back.

What this blather all means is that I have to play hard with the rules of nutrition.  I am a fan of the theory of "Macronutrients".  Of course everyone has their own fine definitions of what that means, but in a nutshell, I have a tuned diet.

40% of calories from Protein.
30% each from Carb and Fat.

1 gram of Protein per KG of ideal body weight.  81 g protein.

Except that these next three weeks, I have to reduce the intake.  I'm doing a soft landing so I am reducing the food intake.

The truth be told, I have been doing this literally for decades.  When I was competitive inline skater "back in the day" in Philadelphia, I would get to October and begin to cut back of calories.  Going from the usual 700 calories per meal plus 200 for snacks, I would cut that back to about 550x3 and lose a snack.  Philadelphia winters were way too cold to inline skate even if I was stubborn.

One "last workout" I was on the Fairmount Park trail and hit an ice patch.  Nearly ended up in the Schuylkill River with an air temp of 25F.  On inline skates.  That would make it difficult to swim to shore, trust me.

The next year I spent the winter in the gym and it worked out well.

This year on The Break, I'm going to do long walks.  Today is only going to be about 12000 steps.  Tomorrow, I am dusting off the Bowflex and see if I can get an upper body workout going.  Weightlifting is always a good idea whether it is a substitute to a normal training regimen, or if it is actually your training regimen.

We will see.  I partially disassembled the thing when the house was being remodeled and I lost the assembly instructions.  I am good at fixing things even without documentation, but with all the injuries I have had over the last couple years, I have been hesitant to begin weightlifting.

Yeah, I know.  Weight bearing exercises build bone mass.  With the 18 or so screws I have holding my two clavicles and the titanium in my shoulder, I have a right to be hesitant.

So remember, fellow babies, if you are going to make a drastic change in your level of exercise, reduce your food intake.  You will hate it, but if it is a temporary pause, your body will thank you.

Besides, my legs were getting a bit large lately.  The three time weekly marathons on the bike built the quads and calf muscles up, and my muscle weight has been growing.  

The spandex compression shorts aren't compressing as much so I think it's been a good thing.

Stay tuned.  Until then, I have a lot of podcasts and comedy programming to get through.

If you are an Outdoor Sports kind of person, you know what I am getting at.  February in the Northern Hemisphere is not your friend.

But a pause is sometimes necessary whether for overtraining or for waiting for the support team.

What do you call a Wolf that has things figured out? Aware Wolf!

 The problem with having a file stuffed with one liners for topics?  You actually have to use them when they are timely or they just look stupid.

Go Fig!  A Stupid Dad Joke?  Naw!








Fact.

Star Wars was the first film to ban smoking on set.

The cast was still allowed to Chewbacca.




I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. 
There’s something fishy about that place.



I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s. 

I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…



This joke will pass.
Nah, it will give you gas for hours.
It may if you take it in minute portions!



Q: How long does it take to build a new data center?
A: Approximately one closed-door city council vote.
(From: The Onion)




Cleaning out my garage and realized someone must've stolen my limbo sticks.
Seriously.
How low can you go?



Today I got pulled over by a police officer. He said to me 'It seems like you've been drinking. Can you say the alphabet starting with M?'
I said, 'Malphabet.'

What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

Perfect day for that thing sitting on your porch to get squashed?  Maybeeeee!




How do you make a boat feel better????
Give it some vitamin sea!





I feel really sorry for pregnant elephants. 

A really long gestation period, but nobody ever talks about the elephant in the womb.



Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.





I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".





My First Night in Prison.

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said: You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......

I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......

You touch me and I will kill you........

I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am already married.

A Class in Nutrition and Exercise at the Vet's Office.

It is October.  You are talking about having a beach body.  Great.  That's a start.  The best time to start on a beach body is "before now".  The second best time is now.

Where did all that come from?  The Vet's Office, specifically, but really years ago for me.

Today I had to do something I don't like to do.  I went to the Vet's.  It isn't really the Vet's office that I dislike.  It is how I went there.

It was a beautiful day.  Even the car was feeling spry.  My 23 year old Jeep was quick on the road getting to the park.  Temps were moderate if not cool for South Florida.  The rains had washed everything and the winds were very light.  

I piled everything into the car that I needed for a workout and got myself prepared.  Carbo load, music on the phone, extra water because I knew I had a visit afterwords.  Even a brownie for my snack.

Dressed in my one size too small cycle jersey and my now one size too large compression shorts, I was ready.  The end result was that I now have a "Skin Suit" or so I tell people.  If the jersey was larger, I would be better off, but ordering clothes from TEMU can be a crap shoot.  It's tight but I'll get over it, I'll own that because returns are a bear.

My normal workout on the bike is 6 laps around the big gas bag in Pompano Beach.  I check distance on the GPS on the sport watch when I finish and if it is just under a mile marker, I ride enough to get the round number.  In this case, today was 27.09 miles.

Now, that distance is good but not great.   I know people on bikes who regularly ride 50 miles in a workout.  I don't think I can do that in one go.  

On inline skates, I can do that same 27 miles.  I am an elite inline skater, but intermediate on a bike.

I finished, put the bike on the car rack, tossed a few peanuts at the squirrels.  Before I went into the place I poured water on my head so I didn't look quite so Ick, and then brushed the hair.  I mean, come on, you don't want to offend, right?

Remembering that the desk staff is "Women of a Certain Age" and that I am a "Man of a Certain Age" I took a deep breath before I went in.  I have a feeling I made an impression.

It was a rapid fire barrage of questions but basically I said things like it's really just one foot in front of another and in order to bike 27 miles in a morning, you actually have to do the first mile...first.

After assuring them that they most certainly could but it would take training, and that 27 miles on a bike is significant but not unattainable, for the third time, I backed off.

I have the time to do this sort of thing and I count myself very fortunate for that.  Not everyone has that time.  I truly do not want to be that person who has the time and sits on the couch eating junk.  I did explain that the workouts are a "Get out of jail free" card for the diet, but that is tempered with being extremely aware of nutrition and "Macro Nutrients".  

I count every single calorie and know when I can have what and how much of it at any given time.  A slab of chocolate cake is not a big deal, I just budget the calories along with everything else.

If I had a slightly smaller snack or did so less frequently, my body fat percentage would be lower than my current 17% but as I explained to the ladies, it is my reward for a job well done.

Basically if you take a systemic approach, garbage in, garbage out, you can refine what you are able to do.  Otherwise, you are right, you can't ride 27 miles, or skate 20, or walk 5 miles.

Start out slow, divide and conquer, work within your own capacity but push a little bit more every day.

Fitness is a very good illustration of Compound Interest.  You do a little bit more than last time and eventually you are doing a lot more than when you started.

That Compound Interest thing was how I got started.  I was never allowed to be this active as a child or a teen.  When I moved away from home, I immediately changed that.  Never stopped.  So now, in my "Certain Age" I am working out at the level of a varsity athlete.  

You can too.  Start out slow.  Do those steps, then tomorrow do another few more.  

Your body is an amazing machine, you will be surprised with what you can achieve.  

Yes!  Yours.  Seriously!

Trust me, when I started, I could not climb a flight of steps without wheezing from asthma.  Now, maybe 50 miles in a workout is more than I need, but 27 miles on a bike in 2 hours with a break is just right.

It really is all about finding something you can do that will allow you to take things further.

In other words, Personal Choice.  Good luck on your search.  

Oh, and if you are on a bike or skates at The Park, don't be too surprised if I draft you and give chase. It's how we all say let's play!

Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they are full of Anty-bodies!

 When I got started putting jokes up on the weekend it was because I was trying to fill space.  It is devilishly hard to do new content every single day and at the time I was finding my schedule was loosening up to be able to do other things than sit in front of a keyboard.

On the other hand, I have been quoted my own little jokes by readers, so I suppose I shouldn't be quite so sheepish.  

In that matter, here you go!




 Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!"

Why isn’t energy made of atoms? It doesn’t matter ..

 I think this particular thing may have happened here with all the ducks around.



 So this guy walks into a bar, looking like he just wrestled with a dumpster raccoon. He says to the bartender: “Listen, I know this sounds crazy… but if I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen in your life, will you give me free drinks tonight?”

The bartender shrugs. “Sure, why not.”

The guy pulls a tiny piano out of his coat pocket. Sets it on the bar. Then he pulls a tiny man out of his other pocket—about a foot tall—and this little guy just rips into the piano like Stevie Wonder on Red Bull.

The bartender’s jaw hits the floor. He pours the man a drink, then another, then another… soon both man and miniature musician are hammered.

Finally the bartender can’t take it anymore. He leans in and says, “Okay… I gotta ask. Where the hell did you get him?”

The guy slurs: “You’re not gonna believe me… but there’s a genie’s lamp in your dumpster out back. Rub it, you get one wish.”

Later that night, bartender’s taking the trash out. Sure enough, there’s a lamp sitting in the dumpster. He rubs it, poof! Genie pops out.

“Congratulations! One wish—anything you want.”

Without hesitation: “I wish I had a billion bucks!”

The genie snaps his fingers, disappears—then suddenly a duck falls out of the sky. Then another. Then another. Before long the whole alley is filled with quacking, flapping ducks.

Freaked out, the bartender runs back inside, grabs the guy by the collar and yells: “I didn’t ask for a billion ducks, I asked for a billion bucks!”

The guy just sighs, points at the piano, and says: “Yeah, you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?”

Brown Anole on a Fence

 These little anoles are just about everywhere here in South Florida.

Shortly after I moved here, one jumped on my foot, then ran up into my shorts.  Luckily my backyard, where it happened, was secluded enough that I could extract it and not offend anyone.

Not even the little anole who skittered off into the bougainvillea.

I was surprised to find out that they are also invasive and not from here.  Since they tend to be unobtrusive and not really harmful, I have a live and let live attitude with them.

In the case of this little one, it seemed to really want its picture taken.  Basking on a fence post it had been living there all summer.  There is a lot of traffic on that particular spot so I suspect it has gotten used to the fuss of being on display.

In general, they do good by keeping the insect population down.  In fact I am sitting in my living room watching one eat a bug on the fence outside of my window right now.

When I described their antics to a friend Up North, she did not like that they were so common.  Not to worry, they don't bite.  In fact if they have teeth they aren't terribly sharp.

I have read stories of people keeping these in their apartments in big cities to keep the unwanted pest population down.

I will say that while I am gentle towards this type of animal and have a plastic cup I use to catch and release them outside, I neither have the insect population inside the house to keep them alive, nor the desire to find one in my rooms at strange hours.

Mind you, the black racer snake that got into the house caused a bit more fuss than the periodic visits of these anoles but that is a very different story indeed.

The snake seemed to take the hint and went back out of the back door when I opened it and went back to it's own life, whatever that might be.

I have an aviation joke, but it will probably go over your head.

I am just about ready to fight the winds and go do a couple laps around the big gas bag for fun.  I will say that this guy is lucky he has such an understanding partner!

 


 Bill wakes up with a monster hangover.

He cracks open one eye and sees a glass of water and two aspirins on the bedside table.

His clothes? Clean and pressed.

The house? Spotless.

He heads to the kitchen - hot breakfast is waiting, newspaper laid out, and a note: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I went shopping. Love you".

Even more confused, Bill turns to his son and asks, “What happened last night?”

The son replies, “You came home after 3 A.M.- drunk, broke a chair, threw up in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye walking into the door.”

Bill blinks. “Then… why is everything perfect?”

His son shrugs and says, “Oh, that’s easy. When Mom tried to take your pants off, you shouted, ‘Lady, leave me alone - I’m married!’”

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ok, so you don't have to "Know Computers" for this one, but it does fit my own skewed mindset.

I have been using Linux since "The Mid 90s".  It was a curiosity, then, but I found it quite useful.  Later, I had the good fortune to be given an "Off Lease" laptop, so I installed Red Hat Linux on the machine and made it my own.  

When I found that the bad "Mains" power here in South Florida murdered my desktop machines, I was able to recover the data but had nothing to install Windows on so I used Linux full time.

Now, a good 10 to 15 years after that, I have a solid "contempt" for corporate computing.  I will say that the original install of Linux I did on a Pentium 3 laptop was working as I left it when I retired the machine without a software problem, due to bad batteries and a frayed power supply.  Great little machine though.

Reading the tech sites I understand that Windows 10 has reached "End of Life" - they killed it.  There has been a spike in downloads of Linux for these machines, and while there is a learning curve, trust me, you can make it work for you.



 
 Microsoft CEO, Satya Nadella, walks into a coffee shop and sees a young man feverishly working on his laptop. He walks over to the him and asks, "Whatchya workin' on, young man?"

The young man looks up and says, "Welp, I'm making a custom Windows 11 operating system."

Satya replies, "Oh? And how do you do that?"

The young man replies, "I take the Windows kernel, add my custom GUI, add some bloatware and then a ton of spyware!"

Satya gets angry and has him kicked out of the shop.

The following week, Satya Nadella strolls into another coffee shop and sees the same young man feverishly working on his laptop again. Again he walks over to the young man and asks in a stern voice, "Still working on your custom Windows 11?"

The young man looks up and proudly says, "Nope, today I'm making a custom Ubuntu Linux operating system! I call it Ubuntu Loaded."

Satya asks, "Oh? And how do you do that?"

The young man replies, "Welp, I take the Linux kernel, add my custom GUI, and finally I add the usual bloatware and then some more bloatware on top of that."

Satya replies, "I see. But no spyware?"

The young man looks up and replies, "Naw, that would just make it Windows 11."

Rack, I have already paid the Cheese Tax, this snack is not for dogs!

I am extremely active.  My doctor thinks I'm either crazy or a Child of Zeus.

7 hours of cardio in 3 days.  5 miles of walks on the other 4 days.

So as I say, it takes a lot of fuel to run that motor.  

I am up and down all day doing things in the house.  Every time I pass through the kitchen I tend to grab a nibble.  Nice excuse to keep a lot of food in the house at any given time.  I'm baking cookies and cupcakes all the time on off days.  I have kept brownies on hand simply because I can cook them in little cupcake papers and bring them to the park to snack on mid-workout.

While baking is on the agenda for today, there's a problem with all of that.  You see I share this house with a little furry shadow.  Rack, the McNab SuperDog has learned my pattern.

If I stand up, he is up.  Off to the back door to be let out.  Many, many times a day.  Sometimes it does not take standing up, merely shifting in the chair might do it.  

If I do go to deal with the wash or get something to drink, he is on my heels.  He is smart about it.  His hearing is not the best, after all, he is a 14 year old dog.  But if he senses that I am about to open a bag of chips or grab a "little something" I will hear paws on the tiles approaching.

There are two ways I have to grab a few chips though.  Chips aren't the best for man or beast, but either way, if he is outside sniffing a hibiscus flower, I can grab some on my own.  Also I am doing laundry frequently so I can even go into the laundry with the bag and dine at my own leisure.

All that baking takes time as well.  I'm in the kitchen for hours since I am a rare person - I have churned butter and I know how to use that food processor for nefarious purposes like making bread.  After a while, Rack will sit focused on me in the dining room, staring in on my progress and hoping for a morsel.

Since he isn't a "Counter Surfer", I am lucky.  I broke that behavior very quickly after he moved in with us by putting metal bowls on the counters balanced precariously on the edge.  Metal bowl hitting the floor makes a rather loud noise falling from 3 feet.  I think Rack broke the sound barrier running from the resulting clatter.

Of course if we had a Labrador Retriever we would have problems keeping food on the counter.  But as they say about this breed - if you can't train a McNab, you can't train a dog.  Labs are a very different sort of dog anyway.  Very sweet but always hungry.

In Rack's case, since he frequently takes as much as an hour to eat a bowl of food in the morning, it is easy to say food is not his highest priority.  Lunch time is a different matter and that hour can get cut back to about 3 minutes.

But having a shadow is a reason to have a dog.  Rack is my shadow, I will just have to keep sneaking snacks next to the dryer.  It's better for me anyway, I shouldn't be eating all the snack food.  Too much fat, too many carbs, it will not help me hit my macro nutrients.

Ok, shadow is fair, but maybe he's my conscience.  Just stop begging for potato chips, they're not for dogs!

I have a golf joke but it’s a little under par.

I'm someone who can't stand the cold.  I left my native Philly area on a day there was still on the ground.   I hope never to see it in person again.  Might explain why I never expect to go to the Himalayas, or at least one reason.


 
  An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks.

Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; DO NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him.

In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yeti said, "Tag! You're it!"

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Seems pointed, doesn't it?  I can't tell you when I listened to or watched news from the US other than via CBC or BBC, but that is a very different story.



THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:    #2

Desserts:
    A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.  

A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center.

Car repair:
    The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem
himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
fixed without special tools".
    The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the
car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
the average man.


I will say that most issues are prevented by simply servicing the fluids at the proper intervals, and taking your car to a professional when needed.  After all, if they are professional, they will spot things you missed.

Oh and I want that cherry.  Always have.

Degreaser recipe, safe for many uses.

Degreaser.  I use a lot more of this stuff than most folks.  So this allows me to make it for pennies, and use what I need.

When I saw the pile of black grit on my floors, I knew it was time to clean up the bike chain.  It worked well and even got the black grit that was ground into the tiles.

Three ingredients.  Vinegar, Soap, Water.

Some recipes add baking soda but you don't want that.  It will neutralize the vinegar and all you end up having as an active ingredient is the soapy water.  Vinegar will help cut your grease.

As for the bike?  I used this stuff on my chain and used this as an excuse to refurbish the rear derailleur.  When I went on my next workout, everything was working great!


Ingredients are both in a ratio and volumes.  

Ratio:

• 1 part Blue Dawn Dish Soap
• 4 parts White Vinegar
• 12 parts Water.

Volume:

• 1 ounce Blue Dawn Dish Soap
• 4 ounce White Vinegar
• 12 ounce Water.

Yeah you didn't expect me to make the math difficult either for you or me.  Double it or scale it down.  It "should work" just the same.  Shake well before using.

Oh and standard internet warranty applies:

Use this at your own risk.  Just because it worked on my bike doesn't mean it will work for you.  Test it out first and decide because you are a big enough person to be able to judge for yourself.  I'll make and use more of this stuff but I am not responsible for anything you ruin with this mix.

When I used it, I used it as a soak on the derailleur, and as something to wipe things down like the chain.  I'm pleased with what I got but everything I worked on was pretty non-reactive.

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

 When you roast your own coffee, you can tailor it for what you like.  I prefer a lighter roast.  Unfortunately it also means that the caffeine content is increased and man this light roast I did yesterday is kicking me in the goolies!


And since my morning will be spent going around in circles around the giant gas bag in Pompano Beach, this is appropriate.



 Inflatable Isaac lived in an inflatable country, with inflatable parents and inflatable friends...

One day, when walking to inflatable school, he found a pin on the side of the road. When he got to inflatable school, he excitedly showed the pin to his inflatable friends. But they were careless, and accidentally pricked themselves, and began slowly deflating.

Panicked, Inflatable Isaac ran out of the inflatable school with the pin, intending to get rid of it. But on the way, he accidentally scraped a wall with the pin, and the inflatable school began deflating.

As Inflatable Isaac left the school, he saw the inflatable headmistress chasing after him. In his panic, Inflatable Isaac accidentally pricked himself with the pin.

As the inflatable headmistress stood over Inflatable Isaac, now slowly deflating, she said: "You've let your friends down, you've let the whole school down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down."

What position does a ghost play in hockey? Ghoulie

 Ok, while I think it is odd that some folks decorate their houses to look like something out of The Addams Family, even I do get some enjoyment out of halloween.

I'm just not a Monster, Frankenstein or otherwise!



I will say I use this punch line frequently so hold onto your 10MM Socket Wrenches here...




 One of my fathers old-timey jokes

A man was driving by an insane asylum when he got a flat tire. He pulled over to change the tire, when he noticed one of the inmates watching him from behind the iron gate. The man nervously jacks up the car and removes the hub cap of the flattened tire. He then carefully removes each of the lug nuts and places them in the upturned hub cap so they will not get lost. All the while, the inmate silently watches him.

He removes the damaged tire and replaces it with his spare tire. As he reaches to retrieve a lug nut he accidentally tips over the hub cap, and all 4 of the lug nuts fly out and fall down the storm drain.

Now the driver is in a real panic, he cannot replace the tire and he dare not ask for help... when suddenly the inmate speaks. "Why don't you just remove one lug nut from each of the other tires, install them on the replacement tire. Then drive down the street to the auto garage and buy four more lug nuts?"

The driver looks up in astonishment at the inmate and says... "That's brilliant! But if you're so smart, what are you doing in there?"

To which the inmate responds... "I may be crazy... but I'm not stupid"

Two Hurricanes Will Have An Effect On Each Other, And On Your Week

Whenever Florida gets any kind of big storm, my friends and family, gotta love them, will ask "You ok?".  This time there were three tropical storms in the North Atlantic.  I decided to pay close attention and write things down, in my typical rambling fashion with too much detail.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Sunday Morning.   It is about an hour before sunrise.  I'm sitting in a dark house drinking some "jet-fuel" coffee, Home Roasted Ethiopian Yirgacheffe medium roast if you are curious.  Rack, my faithful sidekick McNab SuperDog is at my right elbow smiling and panting for some reason.

I check Radar trying to decide whether to Inline Skate or Cycle today.  The Pompano Air Park is sitting under a "Dark Green Blob" which means it is currently raining enough that there will be ponding on the trails.  Ok, Cycling it is.

There is a Tropical Storm trying to form into a hurricane.  It won't be "Our Storm" and we will be safe.  Or so I hope at this point. 

There is a significant breeze coming in off the ocean.  This is South Florida after all, this is what the weather is like.  You are a bowling pin and a kid is down the alley tossing a too big bowling ball at you and it may or may not hit you and knock you over. 

You get up, check radar.  Temps are basically like yesterday.  If you liked yesterday, you will like today.  Or tomorrow. 

I am an endurance athlete.  I have to plan for a solid 5 or 6 hours of weather.  I don't have that today.  I'll let you know if I end up getting that water stop at the Jeep or will I have my mid workout "dousing" provided by Mother Nature.

Rack is up, getting curious.  I guess it is time to get up and motivate.

It's Sunday which means amateur day in any athletic pursuit.  The "Civilians" are out clogging gyms, trails, and other active places.  The rain did arrive, all of 5 drops, and the winds are up here but not appreciably so.  Good day for a little wind surfing.


This business of having two hurricanes within a certain distance has the Fujiwhara effect.  (Spelling courtesy of the link, sorry if I botched it)  The smaller of the two gets drawn into the larger.  It means that the smaller one that was heading for us here in Florida got stripped of a lot of its energy.  It also means that the prevailing winds here got turned around and we had a cool morning.  Storm isn't coming here, but the morning was cool and dry.  I guess that's from the North.

I went out into the yard.  Started messing with the irrigation.  During the 1970s a lot of these houses were built with this flimsy plastic tubing for pipes.  My house missed that but the prior owner used some of that stuff for irrigation.  I have been in the house for 20 years.  So instead of spending my morning enjoying the somewhat unseasonably cool 76F morning, I got started chasing after irrigation leaks.  You have irrigation, you will have leaks.  Especially if you used substandard pipes plumbing the yard.

It started a task that lasted all day.  I suppose it would be better off if I did not admit to people that we know how to work on sprinklers, it's a big business here in Florida.  It's also an annoying one to work on.  The glue takes 12 plus hours to set, closer to 24 hours, and it means everything has to be screw fit together or else.


Tuesday, Both storms, Humberto and Imelda, have moved somewhat North of where I sit.  That cool air that they pulled down from the North is still here, but the winds have shifted.  So as I prepare to go to the park to go do circles around the giant gas bag,  it will get warmer.  While yesterday had a low that was lower than normal for us at 75, like it is now at 5 AM, the high today will go up to higher than normal for us at 90.

I go for that workout because, despite the winds gusting over 25, it's dry.  Today will be a day for placing myself with the wind at my back for the longest leg of the workout and enjoy a rest at too fast a speed.

It was gusty but not obscenely so.  One of those days where the gusts would slow you down to almost a runner's pace, and then when you return, you find yourself going at the traffic's pace on the main road next to you with little effort.  

It's one of those days that slow you down overall but doesn't matter because you aren't being a lump on the couch.  But, definitely on a bike.  All the inline skaters were missing on the trail.

For us, this is not a big deal.  I have lived here for 20 years and you get to the point where you can read the radar for the weather, and you end up second guessing the Weather Guys on the TV.  

Why not, I have been doing that since I was a child.  I'm getting good at this.  But if you are North of me, keep an eye out and hone your weather forecasting skills.  You never know if it will save your hide some day.


It is Wednesday.  I usually release this stuff on Wednesday morning.  It's not our storm, nor did we expect it to be.  The storms are off the Outer Bank of NC and are making trouble for Bermuda.  I expect this to pretty much end the hurricane season, at least for a while.  

These storms have "Spun Fish" for enough time to pull colder water up from the depths and cool the ocean surface down.  That's the engine for the creation of the storms after all, warm surface water at 86F/30C.  

Our own forecasts in South Florida are dropping from the upper 80s to the mid 80s for the rest of the week.  

Enjoy your weather, I certainly will be!

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I'm going through the pre-workout prep on Sunday Morning and thought these two just fit together.  For me, time for a carbo-load, enjoy your morning, I hope this helps!




An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says, “Give me $10,000 cash or you'll be sorry you crossed me!”

The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money, but let me call my son - he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son. As he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins? Well, your old man just hit and damaged my car. You bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna whoop his and your ass."

The son answers, “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes, the son pulls up in a Jeep. He jumps out and slaps the expensive car owner about a bit, then walks over to his father and says,

“Dad, I train Navy SEALs, not dolphins.”

 

To the thief who stole my glasses. I will find you, I have contacts.

Back during the Cold War, Heinrich, who was just drafted into the West German Army, asked his superior Major Schmitt for a three day pass.

The major says, "Are you crazy? You just got here last week and you're wanting a three day pass? Those aren't just given out to anyone. They must be earned!"

So Heinrich left dejected but comes back a day later driving a brand new Soviet tank! Major Schmitt was very impressed, he said, "For that act of bravery you are getting your three day pass. By the way, how did you do this by yourself?"

"Well", said Heinrich, "I jumped into one of our tanks and drove to the East German border. When I got there, I saw an East German soldier sitting alone in this tank. I waved a white flag. He waved a white flag. We met right at the border and I asked him 'Do you want to get a three day pass?'.

He said, 'sure' so we swapped tanks!"

Weather Watching At Pompano Airpark

I guess we can file this one under things I just like.

Kansas is flat.  Florida is flatter.

I workout at an airport in Pompano Beach Florida.  The trail here is one big square.  About a Mile on a side.  1.6 Km if you must.  4.5 miles once around.

Thing is that here, where the air is liquid even in the dry season, there are some seriously small micro-climates.
 

I'm standing about 2 miles 3 Km away from the Ocean.  The other side of the park is a mile away.  I'm standing in the sun.

Riding around that big old box I can see where there was a Thunderhead just off shore.   I can do that loop on the bike in about 17 minutes reliably, although today I was taking things easy and relaxed a bit. 

Standing at the gates, I put the camera in the gap between them and squeezed off this picture.

The point is that you have to be able to read the weather. 

When I was in Philadelphia, I had a long run.  It was 15 miles, about 28 km in one direction away from the car.  I'd stop and have a break and skate back to the car.  It was predictable.  You would be able to read the radar and say that it would be a good dry run that day and not get out and be wet.  After all, on a 3 hour workout, getting soaked in the middle of it is simply not an option.

Here things are different.  If you liked yesterday's weather, you will like today's.  In this specific case, warm and sunny with leopard spots of storms marching across the radar developing into some strong storms later. 

Welcome to Wet Season.

I have to watch.  Things can change at a moment's notice.  I have stood in that same spot and known that I was going to get quite wet by the time I got back.  Not today actually because that little leopard spot disappeared and reformed twice in the two hours I was at that park.

One of the adaptations I made was to get ceramic bearings in my inline skates.  You can run them through water and they do not rust, they're made out of material similar to the coffee cup you took out of the dishwasher last time you ran the thing.  Regular steel bearings rust if you look at them wrong.

I get to the car on the other side of the park now and since it is still warm, I am using one of the two bottles of water that I carry to pour over my head and helmet, shoulders and arms to cool down to be able to go around for another hours.  Yet another adaptation.

Endurance Sports are subtle that way, you change things to put yourself through the workout over the years.  Eventually you get where you are going even if it isn't the way you were going last time.

Florida is a very granular place.  Just a little way away and the entire character of where you are at has changed. 

Weather, Neighborhood, Opportunities.

I suppose that would be why people move here.  It never freezes, we're only 8 miles below the freeze line in winter.  Maybe further because of the "Global Warming That Does Not Officially Exist" nonsense.  Most people who own property can tell you how far above sea level they are.  Mine is 15 feet, 5 meters, and is the highest point on the block if not in town.  You need to know because if it rains on your roof, it will drain into the neighbor's property or pond in their yard - or not.

Everywhere you live will change you.  So if you are moving down here, remember to spay and neuter your pets and especially your MAGA relatives, and get ready for the changes. 

And get a good radar app for your phone.  Or two.  Plus Ceramic Bearings.

I have a trickle down economics joke, but 99% of you won't get it.

 Wow, that one is on point with what I have been reading today...

Anyway, remember being asked what do you want to be when you grow up?  I'll let you know when I grow up, at this point, I'm still going with the flow.




 School kid dreams

A teacher asks each student in her class about their dreams when they grow up.

"Richard, what do you want to be when you grows up?". She asked.

"I want to be a firefighter! I want to save people just like my dad."

"Very good! How about you Tiffany? What is your dream when you becomes an adult?"

"I want to be a good housewife just like my mommy." Tiffany answered.

"Okay. Isabella? What is your dream?"

"I also want to be a housewife just like my mom. I want to take care of little kids just like she takes care of me."

"Alright. It's fine if you want to idolize your mother, but take care to also consider your future career." The teacher commented on them.

"What is your dream, Ali?". The teacher turned to Ali.

Ali rub his chin for a few seconds. Then, he answers.

"I want to help both Tiffany and Isabella to achieve their dreams! "

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

I love a good dad joke.  The more of a groan the better.  I have folks sending me to them here, and on social media.  A good sense of the absurd is always helpful, especially in this time.


 Magic words:

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.

When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"

"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"

"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"

Jeep TJ Horn Repair - For when the horn sounds on its own or the button is "soft"

Ok! Let me get the warning out of the way:

Standard Internet Warranty Applies - you follow my instructions at your own risk.  Ramblingmoose will not be responsible with any damage you do to your car, your self, or anything else.  If you do not feel comfortable with these instructions, or your capacity to follow them, don't do them. 

OK?

This is written as instruction to my future self because I don't see myself getting rid of the car any time soon and I expect to have to do this again.

I gathered my own process by reading forums and looking at pictures and drawing conclusions.  I will say that there are rarely one set of instructions with repairing my own 23 year old Jeep.  I love the car but little issues are getting tiresome to track down and new parts are getting more scarce.

This is a "hack".  I fixed my horn by flipping the horn button actuator pad and replaced it within my horn button assembly.  I do not expect this to be "permanent" but I do expect it to give me some time. Many parts for the car are "Unobtanium" and you simply can't find "new" any longer.  Dorman makes a lot of fine reproductions of parts, and may be a good source but not for this repair.

The horn button actuator pad is two sheets of metallic material on the back of some sort of plastic.  When you flex them, they make contact and can be tested with a continuity tester. 

Other people's repairs were successful by cutting the sheets apart and putting a bead of silicon around the edges to hold them apart as they were put back into a parallel sheet.  Fortunately I did not have to re-manufacture the actuator (yet) by going that far and if I do, I will document that process later.

To complete this you will need multiple tools. 

8MM Socket.
10MM Socket.
11MM Socket.
Socket wrench driver.
Leatherman style multi-tool, although I only used the knife blade.


1:  Disconnect the battery from the car.  Really.  No.  Do this first.  Don't take a chance.  Let the battery be disconnected for at least 5 minutes before proceeding.  I used an 11MM socket to loosen the terminal, but your size may be different.  This is why I listed three socket sizes above.

2: Remove the horn button cover in the middle of your steering wheel.  There are two bolts holding the cover down.  They are 8MM and readily accessible from behind the sides of your wheel.  Remove the bolts and set them aside.  The entire horn button assembly with the air bag will easily come loose.

3: Disconnect the wires from the horn button assembly and the air bag.  If you did not disconnect the battery, this is why.  Your Air Bag will be very difficult to replace if it blows up in your face.  So will your nose.  DO NOT CUT ANY WIRES.  The air bag is connected by a tan connector that easily snaps off the back of the air bag.  The red positive wire has a spade connector that is covered by a plastic or vinyl sleeve.  Slide the sleeve back and separate the wires at the connector.  Your horn button assembly will now be free for you to take into your work area.

4: Remove the Air Bag from the mounts on the back of the horn button assembly.

• DO NOT CUT ANY WIRES.
• Remove the plastic clip that retains the wire in place.
• The Air Bag is held in place with four 10MM(?) nuts. 
• Save and set them aside. 
• There are two metal mounts that hold the air bag in place.
• Remove the mounts from their slots and set them aside.
• Free (to lift from the mount screw) the ground wire from the back of the air bag mounting plate.
• Bend or flex the vinyl so that you can free the air bag from the horn button assembly.
• Set the Air Bag aside.
  
  
  

5: Free the horn button actuator pad from the plastic shield on the inside of the horn button assembly. 

• The horn button actuator in my TJ is about the same proportions as those in the/some XJ Cherokee. 
• The round version of the horn button actuator is for those cars that have cruise control or automatic transmission.  Or are just older and "different". 
• Your mileage may vary. 
• I had to use my Leatherman's Tool knife blade to trim the rectangular posts to create room to work on the "top" side of the assembly. 
• There was a clear bit of plastic that was welded at the factory under the posts that I had to cut on the top row. 
• This created enough room to work to gently slide the horn button actuator pad out.
• Before reassembling the pad into the assembly, I strongly suggest testing your continuity on the pad with a tester.  This is just enough work to be annoying to have to repeat.
  

6: Flip your horn button actuator pad and reinsert it under the clear plastic window.  In my case, this was enough to get everything working again (for now).  Push the rectangular posts back through the holes in the plastic sheeting to hold everything in place.

7: Replace the Air Bag assembly within the horn button assembly and reverse the steps so that the assembly is SECURELY snapped into the vinyl assembly and then bolted back in place.  Your wires will be reversed for the horn button actuator pad but there will be enough wire for connections to be restored.

8: Reconnect the Air Bag connector on the back of the assembly, and the red wire for the horn button.

9: Place and Bolt in place the horn button assembly with air bag back in the steering wheel. 

10:  Reconnect the battery to the car.  Test the horn.  The hack should have worked and you should have a horn that works now.

11: Resetting the dash gauges.  After reconnecting the battery, my Tachometer was not working.  Closer inspection showed that the needle had dropped below the pin at the Zero RPM point.  To reset the tach, follow these steps.

• Get in the driver's seat and place the key in the ignition.
• Press and hold the trip set reset button.
• Turn the ignition key to accessory.
• The lights will cycle on one after another, and all of the gauges will activate.
• If this does not get your tach to be functional, the following Percussive Maintenance might be needed:  Whack the side of the instrument cluster with the heel of your hand while the tach is cycling.

Seriously, I had to do this and my tach is now working.  This link will show you the process, but not how I managed to hold the button while whacking the cluster.  This was done on the upper left corner of the cluster while the Tach was vibrating during the self-reset.

This is a link to the process that I derived my own process from.  You will notice that the steps are similar.  It is here in case my own steps are not helpful.

They said follow your dreams. So I went back to bed.

 When you get up about 2 hours before sunrise, that is not a terrible start to the day.  Oh well, before I go off to do laps around a giant gas bag in a park, this little gemstone will shine for you.

I do seem to remember that in grade school we had things called Spelling Bees.  I can't say I won them.  I tended to spell in British English, and we were quite firmly, in the US.  South New Jersey where we said "wudder" when we wanted a cool drink.



After a long illness a woman dies

She finds herself at the golden gates, heartbroken to have left her husband behind.
St. Peter notices & informs her it will be many years before his time. she sadly agrees to enter heaven alone.
St. Peter admits he gets bored at his job so sometimes makes up games for admittance.
"Today is a spelling bee, to enter heaven spell angel". she does so & enters.

Decades later St. peter asks her to fill in for him at the gate for the day.
Lo & behold her husband arrives!
She cries over him, "oh darling i hope you didn't suffer the rest of your life grieving over me!"
"Far from it", he replies, "turns out your beautiful young nurse had the hots for me, so we quickly married, then she came into an inheritance & we traveled the world & retired on the riviera. but it's nice to see you. how do i get in?"

"Well there's a spelling test"
"Ok what's the word?"
"Czechoslovakia".

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.. so I threw a coconut at his face.

Yesterday I had an appointment.  Everything in Florida is in "Strip Malls" or what we tended to call a "Shopping Center" Up North.  There is rarely one sort of business in one of those places, Dollar Store next to a Shoe Store next to a Supermarket.  That kind of mixed up thing.

I went into a discount clothing store after the appointment and noticed a very similar situation.  I merely smiled at the security guard and nodded my head yes, then went on.

I never did find that cycling jersey.  Oh well!





 Lost my job on the first day

Started my new job at a hardware store today. Lasted less than a day.

About two hours in, this fat, ugly woman covered in tattoos and piercings storms in with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them the whole way through the entrance. She was loud enough to rattle the shelves.

Trying to be polite, I said: “Good morning, welcome! Nice kids you’ve got there. Are they twins?”

She snaps back: “Hell no! One’s 9 and the other’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind or just stupid?”

I smiled and said: “Neither, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice.”

My supervisor suggested retail may not be the career for me.

Rack, after 14 years, you are still weird. Old Dogs, New Tricks.

Ok, this may be your Ceremonial 14th birthday, but I could use a little slack.

We will never know if it is today or even a different month.  Part of the mystery of sharing your life with a Rescue Dog is having to figure things out on your own terms.  Both of your terms.  As far as it goes, this day mystery is a minor and forgettable one.  It is today because I say it is.  Maybe next year it will be a different one.

We have gone through a number of scares. 

You were a terrified dog when we got you.  Your first walk was across the street on your belly to meet up with the neighbors.  I think you realized that we weren't going to allow you to fail, we simply had no other option.

With a fearful dog, you plan every activity and make sure that there will be success at the end of it.  These neighbors were perfect for that.  Lisa was the older lady who treated everyone with kindness, Bill her son did not fall far from that same bottle brush tree.  The tree is there, Lisa is gone, Bill moved on.

You are now one of the longest residents of this town.  People don't tend to stay long in South Florida.  I've been here myself two weeks shy of 20 years which is longer than I have lived anywhere else.

The thing about having a herding dog is that you have to keep their bodies and their minds active.  I mean, Truly Active, in capital letters.  You can do that as long as you give them long walks, I give you upwards of 6 miles a day.  10K may sound like a lot but it isn't really, especially spread across four walks. 

Luckily for you, I am an endurance athlete.  It is keeping us both alive.

Truly Active means you have to be able to find New Things.  Greeting New People is a major plus, and in a Resort Town near a shopping area is a plus as well.

You have never been a Morning Person.  Too bad, I am.  When you live in a hot climate, you have to be.  There really isn't a winter, it never freezes here.  We get you out before 10 and after 5 daily because you're wearing a black fur coat.

That works well with my own schedule.  Just not yours.  We notice that you eat your food faster at lunch and dinner than you do  before dawn.  It can't be helped.  I just have not figured out why you have to pick mouthfuls of food and pick it all back up after standing on it at 5:30AM.  You don't do that any other time of day.  That meal can take as long as 45 minutes and you are slowing me down from my own routine.

Bizarre.

You don't like being home alone.  Most dogs don't.  I have not figured out how you know when I am coming home after a workout, but you seem to have.  There you are standing at the door, smiling and wagging and waiting for the routine to begin.

It is all about The Process with a McNab.  I walk in the door, you greet me, and immediately after, you go to the back door and ring a bell to be let out.  It is The Process that is important.  Coming home means Greet, Bell, Sniff the Air Out Back.  Lunch is Eat Quickly, Get Ball of Cookies, Ring Bell, Go Out Back. 

If you could figure out how to open the sliding door it would be easier.  I guess that's not happening, sliding doors need thumbs and that is a lot of heavy Hurricane Glass to get past.

It isn't really separation anxiety although science has proven that dogs do have that.  You are only alone for about 5 hours a week plus whatever time it takes to run to the market. 

You taught yourself how to ring that bell at the back door.  There is a string of Elephant Bells that I got for my sister's wedding.  You get your snoot in the string and give it a too gentle shake.  We know you enjoy that because it's like that dog talking buttons, it makes you smile.  You ring that about every hour in the morning, less at other times of the day.

Going for a walk is more strangeness.  "Go get your leash".  You'll walk to the door then immediately back to me.  "Where is your leash".  Back to the door.  It's like playing tennis.  SERVE!

We get the leash and loop it over your head.  You taught yourself to put your foot through the loop on the side strap that snaps under your belly.  You use that trick assertively.  As the foot waves in the air until you realize we noticed, which can be as many times as you need to get your point across.  A couple dozen times when you are excited is reasonable even if it does look strange.

You don't bark aimlessly at a leaf falling in the yard like many, you have a purpose.  If I am sitting here, I tell you that I know about it, you quiet down.  But not completely.  Deliveries become a Discussion. 

"Yes, I know there's someone here, they're bringing us things". 
"GRUMBLEGRUMBLE!" 
"I know, they're here, calm down." 
"Grumble. Grumble?"

A dog that has learned how to process inflection.  I wish that the talking buttons had been a thing when we got you, but that was a different time.

"Moan"  as you sit down.  I swear you are learning the art of friendly discourse even if the hardware in your body won't allow for it.

You are older, you did not get deaf, you are the poster child for selective hearing.  Deliveries sometimes miss you, other times you are startled into action by someone dropping a box at the door which will mean you'll complain about the intruder long after they've left the premises.

You have been bitten, had and survived cancer, and walked thousands of miles each year.  Your first year meant that you never had a problem with the Vet as it is comforting to you. 

I think you made it this far because I have a tailored diet to get past food allergies and pancreatitis bouts that put you in the shelter in the first place.  I think we may have gone through Pancreatitis yearly.  I don't want to think about what hell you went through in your first year, there are still echoes of it in your personality, but I will say that the food issues probably put you there.  A piece of chicken the size of a thumbnail will turn you into a soft serve dispenser.  It's just easier to make your food from a proscribed recipe that is carved in stone.

As you got older, I did have to adjust that diet using spreadsheet to reduce the protein you take in.  You are due for another visit to the vet for a blood test to see if everything is working.

With all the strangeness and weird quirks I'd do it all over again.  At 14 years old you are closer to the end than the beginning.  Dogs only very rarely make it much past this to 20 years.  The breed is not well known, but the McNab breeders seem to think that 16 years is reasonable with expert care.

I'm doing my best to be that expert carer you bizarre and weird dog.  I'd do it all over again.