The Man Who Loved Tractors and a bonus

The man who loved tractors

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them.

He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor "Adult Literature" (which is not easy to find mind you).

The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".

Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.

Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper.

He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner.

The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.

After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.

When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."



A Bonus



So a guy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom and he goes to get flowers and there's this ridiculously long line, but he waits and gets the flowers.

Then he goes to get the limo and there's another long line he has to wait in and he hates it.

So he picks up his date and when they get there there's another line they have to wait in to get in, he's fed up with waiting now.

Finally, they get inside and his date says she's thirsty.

He goes to get her something to drink and luckily, there's no punch line.

A Backyard View From the Roof

Always carry your camera.  You never know when you'll have a chance to take a picture that may speak to you in the future.

I wouldn't call myself a photographer, the next time I get paid for a picture will be the first.  But my pictures have made it into some independent movies and are all over this blog and other places.

I do enjoy looking at the back end of a viewfinder.  Once in a while I get a shot that some people, other than me, will appreciate.

Since the Great Orb In The Sky made an appearance today for the first time in about a week, I thought some sunny view would be perfect.

Being a homeowner, I see this picture and ask myself why I didn't bring the hedge clippers up there and take care of that out of control bougainvillea at the foot of the roof.  There are some things that are just easier to do when you're on a roof.   Unfortunately once the tiles get glued in place, I won't be up there again.  Probably not for another 15 years or more.

Seeing that I'm built for skating long distances instead of climbing them, it is probably for the best.  I'm really wobbly on a ladder and not exactly the most graceful in any case.   A bit ungainly for climbing is how I'd describe my own particular build, but we are our own worst critics.

At any rate, that's Winter in Wilton Manors.  It's supposed to be the Dry Season, but nobody told Mother Nature and at least the pool is not drying out.  After all, you could be in the Midwest suffering from a Polar Vortex and having outdoor temperatures below the freezing point of Carbon Dioxide.

No thanks, I'll take the rain.  At least the grass doesn't have to be cut this week.

Another Reason To Dump XP - Security Essentials Will Receive No More Updates

I dumped XP a while back.  I'm on a collection of old machines running Debian Linux which runs faster than XP does on the same hardware - Generally.

I also have two Macs, one running Lion, another on Mavericks.

The Windows machines are either on Windows 7 or the cringeworthy Windows 8.1.  Windows 8.1 does "seem" to run well, but the effort I have to put into making sure that the "Ugly Block Land" of the Start Screen has everything I want, and none of the chaff of their live tiles has turned me off of Windows.  I avoid using Windows 8.1 as a result.

There are also the security and privacy questions that I have about Windows in general.  Any software that "phones home" for updates is by definition a risk - whether it is a miniscule one or not.

The computer I use the most is a Windows 7 laptop, I'm comfortable there and will remain that way until I am forced off of Windows 7 for a business reason.

All that having been said, there are some folks who I Support/Chat/Help/Consult for (and so forth) that still have Windows XP computers that run every day.

Please upgrade those now.

Extended Support for Windows XP will be ending April 8, 2014.

Windows Update will cease to function.
Internet Explorer will no longer be updated and become even more abysmal to use in time.
You will be forced to use Chrome or Firefox for a "modern" browser.

Now the latest announcement - if you use Microsoft Security Essentials for your virus protection, you will no longer be able to get updates.

Seeing that I get an update on a daily or more than once a day basis on my virus signatures on Windows 7, that is a significant issue.

The XP user will have to pay for a virus protection program - and it is a big market with many names.  But by the time you get that virus, you won't be able to save your data.

I've had one virus hit this machine in the time I have used it - one year.  While that clobbered my computer, I was able to restore from a week old backup.  All my data is stored either on a SDHC chip or on a network - so I was safe.  The hard drive on the machine is not for "permanent storage".

Do you have that kind of regimen?

I have a good friend and neighbor who clicked on a link in an email and immediately knew he had a Cryptolocker Virus screaming at him that if he didn't pay 300 bucks for a ransom, his info would be passed to the FBI.  While that threat is bogus, it shows how easy it is to get a virus now.  For XP Users on April 8, 2014, it will get easier since they are already writing viruses to take advantage of back doors and other exploits.  At current 30 percent of US Computer Users run Windows XP.

At any rate, if you are one of those folks who can't afford to pay the 100 Dollars US for a copy of Windows 7 or 8, I strongly recommend looking into a free copy of Debian or Ubuntu Linux.   Since they run Firefox as a browser as the default, you'll be fine.

After all, why spend 100 for an operating system when a new computer runs around 200 dollars for a "beater".  If someone is running XP then their computing needs are a bit more modest than someone who needs a top of the line beast.

Reading Instructions 13 Years Too Late

I was having a thirsty morning.  I had already had a large mug of third-caff coffee.  Went down deep and smooth just like it always does in a big french press mug, and I wanted more.

Being the curious type, I wanted something a little different.

Oh!  How about the Espresso Maker?  I can make some Espresso!

I got the maker out, poured in the water to a line in the metal.  One scoop regular coffee, fill to the top of the filter with decaf, but don't press down - simply smooth it.

Now to the filter.  The dishwasher didn't really get all the grounds last time, so I pulled out the rubber O Ring.

I found out a few things.   The Espresso Maker was made in 2001 because they date-stamped the inside of the machine.  The other thing was that the rubber ring was shot.  It came out in a couple pieces, one big ring that left pieces behind because it was "oxidized".

Luckily, when I bought the machine I had gotten a spare ring from a company that is long gone.  I also kept the instructions.

You know, the British have a wonderful expression for this sort of thing.  It went "Pear Shaped".  Meaning not according to plan.  A "Royal Cock-Up".

Yes, I read the instructions.  They were written in many languages, English being one of them.  I should say "Engrish" as they were written as someone would if it weren't their strongest language.   Bless their hearts, these Italians tried.  Oh yes, they tried.  

Reading these things that I now thought of as "Stereo Instructions", I learned that I was correct.  Never pack your grounds, it will make for a bitter mug of espresso.  Don't use "too finely ground" coffee or else it will plug up.

It also told me that I had the thing put together wrong for 13 years.  So I put the metal filter in "upside down" - so that holding it so I could see it, the filter went in like a cup - high side of the cup pointing up toward me.  Concave side up.  Just like the instructions said. 

I scratched my head, then sealed the thing in place with the new ring.

It moved around... this wasn't good, but Italians have made espresso for centuries.  They invented the bloody thing!

I remember my "Off The Boat" Italian Grandmother and how she had exactly this same machine, or an earlier version of it, that nobody at the house could figure out.  It languished in the back of the cupboard before it disappeared long after Grandmother Rosa went to the coffee shop in the skies.

Having used this machine for 13 years with the metal filter flipped "wrong" I sealed it up and put it on the burner.

Walked out to the front room to do some tasks, I heard a disconcerting sound from the kitchen.

My little espresso maker was venting steam out to the world. 

Ok, sure, it's a cold day in Florida, it was in the 40s, and we could use the extra heat and humidity, but not from my espresso machine!  I gingerly rounded the corner and was greeted by a cloud of steam. 

"Stanley" would have been proud, I was emulating his steamer.

My stove was now colored tan from a cloud of espresso being pushed past that O Ring onto the burners.  There were little fireworks of grounds extinguishing themselves on the glowing red burner.

I stepped back.   Thoughts of "She's gonna blow, Captain!" came to mind.  Scotty wouldn't have designed something like this on the Enterprise, something was done wrong.

Reaching into the cabinet, I donned protective gear.  I didn't want an explosion.   Gingerly grasping the now rapidly warming top of the maker, I put a gloved hand onto the bottom and began to turn the machine to tighten the grommet and seal more.

I had to put out a flaming hand at this point.  The oven mitt popped into flames as it hit the red of the burner.

An explosion was averted, though.  The steam was focused into two hot jets out of opposite sides of the machine.  Two jets of coffee scented gas escaped and continued to paint the burner as espresso flowed slowly out to the top.

It eventually slowed as the water boiled off.  9 shots of espresso is not a lot of water to boil away at pressure, and I ended up with a truncated mug of brown goodness.

So what did I learn?  Either I can't read, or need a new pair of glasses.  I let the machine cool and vowed to flip the filter back the way it was before I started.

After all, 13 years of Espresso can't be all bad!

Roof Day Two - The Underlayment

I said before a Roof is a system.  It is a collection of parts designed to work together to perform a job.

In this case, the first part was the tar paper that was laid down once the old roof was stripped down to the plywood deck.

Having gone through a day of hammering, sawing, and general noise, we all took a breather.  I know Rack did.  I sure did as well.  Glad it's over with.

We went through the weekend with just tar paper on the roof, and it held nicely.  Having a front come through with some rather serious rains proved that point well.   The house wasn't as cool those days since instead of having terracotta reflecting some of the light back to the skies, we had a black roof.  The Florida Room was decidedly hot since there was nothing there as insulation.

The day started with Julio ringing my doorbell.  Rack greeted him with barking himself sideways.  Nice to know that Mr. Dog is finally finding his voice.

I was told that the work today would be quiet.  There wasn't going to be "that much noise" but it would be "Steenky".  His emphasis.  While Julio had a little bit of an accent, he specifically stressed that word and rolled it off his tongue so that he would warn me that we may be gassed out.

It turned out that it was Steenky indeed.

They chased my Jeep out of the Carport and took over the yard.

There was an ugly trailer that was spattered with tar which would cook the five blocks of tar that were delivered to the yard.  We had a delivery of sealant and tar paper to the roof, which was amusing to watch.  Most home improvement stores have to be coerced to deliver to the house, these folks delivered the materiel to the place it was most needed, 15 feet above ground on top of my house.

Tar is slightly less thick than candle wax, and more brittle.  You have to heat this stuff up in order to apply it.  This would be where the noises began.  I happened to be seated out of view of the window when this all started up.  By "This" I mean a rocket launch began that wouldn't stop until lunch time.  They fired up a propane jet to melt the tar so that it could be loaded into buckets which would be spread over top of the tar paper.  Then a foam underlayment would be bonded to the tar and it would form a solid unit to block the house from the elements.

The roof is held down by straps to meet the Miami-Dade Code for roofs.  It's not going anywhere, or so that is the plan.

There were five blocks of tar that got melted.  Each time they got dropped into that splattered green hopper, a giant cloud of Steenky grey sulphurous smoke would rise up and fill the yard.  Since the front was coming through and the winds were settling the cold air from up North, the winds were coming from the "wrong direction".  This meant that instead of the winds blowing the smoke off the property and away from the ocean, they blew the smoke toward the house and to the East.

In other words, the house smelled of Steenky tar instead of the usual mild cooking smells that any house had. 

Suck it up, it's time to deal.   The noise was more of an annoyance to me, but it sent Rack running off hiding whenever it happened. 

One thing we noticed.  Rack seems to be growing a thicker skin as a result.   His energy level was up and he was bouncing around once they finished laying all that tar on the roof.  The walk at 5pm was one you would expect with a puppy, full of energy and joy.

So putting up with a half day of a rocket engine in the yard, steenky smoke, and an occasional clomping around on the roof was worth the effort.

We have the underlayment down.  Next we have to wait for the barrel tiles to arrive.   That happens in one to three weeks when the tiles are made in Miami and trucked to us here on site.

A Freshly Tarpapered Roof

It took the roofers a day to completely remove the old roof and place down a new layer of tar-paper.  A roof is more accurately called a "system" since it's a collection of parts that act as a whole.   Its job is to keep the weather out of the interior of the house and to keep the wood below it dry.   That's not really a big problem in the Desert areas of the Southwest, but here in South Florida, we get 50 inches of rain a year, 40 of them in the six months from June to December, the wet season.

After about 30 years the old one failed and we needed to act since some of those timbers were getting wet.

They ripped the old roof off in a morning, and in the afternoon they put up the tar-paper.  Yes, That Quickly. It literally was a frenzy of activity at one point.  Seated in the living room I heard in front of me one set of nails go right to left, and behind me on the other slope of the roof, they went left to right.

At The Same Time.  In Quadrophonic Stereo Sound.

The dog didn't calm down until Sunday when with all the stored up energy of a day of roofing and a day of panicking, he became a frenetic ball of black and white tightly coiled furred energy. 

For inspection they had bolted a ladder to the house, I waited for the right time to climb.

I had never been on the old roof and not exactly a climbing kind of person, I gingerly went up onto the new tar-paper to grab this picture and a few others.  Interesting view up there, you can see the neighborhood from a new angle.  Everything was in neat rows on the roof, as well as the neighborhood.  You couldn't see as far as you would expect since it had been more than 7 years since Wilma and most of the trees have grown back.

But at least the work was done - for a few days.   They will come back as soon as the inspection takes place to put down a layer of tar, then another layer of tar paper.  I'm told it won't be as noisy.   Rack will appreciate that as will I.

The Shoemaker

The Shoemaker

When my grandma lost mobility, I would drop by more and more frequently to run errands and do chores for her.
Drop off the dry cleaning, rake the front lawn, that kind of stuff.

Well, I was cleaning out her attic for her one day and I found this old army uniform and took it down, I said hey grandma, what's the story of this?

It turns out, it's my grandad's old army uniform.
Yeah, no fooling. My grandad, who'd been dead for years.

Well, I started going through the pockets - I didn't know what else to do with the thing, so I just started going through pockets - and there was this old, yellowed, crumbled, torn piece of paper in there, just barely legible if you looked at it hard enough.

My grandma asked me what it was, but I told her it was nothing. It was actually a paper from a shoemaker my grandad would go. My pop told me about it a few times. I didn't know if they were still around, or if they were still in business, but I swung by the address my pop gave me, and they were, and this man (old as Methuselah, I swear) walks up to the register.

I didn't tell him about my grandad's uniform or the history of the paper I had in my hand, I just showed it to him and he scratched himself and he grunted and shuffled to the back of the store.

He comes back, he looks at me, those ancient eyes, he looks at me, and he says yeah, I got your shoes. They'll be ready next week.

Cinderella at 75

Cinderella at 75 years old

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish, "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what will you have?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan, my old cat, into a beautiful and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

My Roof and the Herd Of Wild Horses On It

The next time you go to a horse racing track, lay your head on the ground next to it.

Actually walk out into the middle of the track in the middle of the race.   You will have an idea of what the sound is like in my house at this very moment.

The chaos started at 7:20 Thursday, January 2nd, 2014 with a phone call.

It turned out to be that the roofer was warning us that our "demolition" would begin today.   One minute later, a white Ford F150 Work Truck pulled into the swale and two guys were hanging out.   The phone call stopped and I was cheerfully told that Charlie Fox the Roofer was saying that work would start today.

Well.  There goes the chance to get "caught up" after the holidays!

We were ejected from our driveway shortly thereafter by a giant truck with black metal panels on the side, and a host of other trucks and other people.

I was helpfully warned by Julio, who appears to be the Foreman or the Project Manager, that "It was going to be loud when work starts".

Having given them access to the yard, work started shortly thereafter.

8:00AM to be exact.   Literally exactly at 8:00AM.

Let the fun begin.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

They slapped some old plywood on the roof as a guide and began throwing pieces of my old roof tiles down it into the back of that big black sided truck.   Standing on my porch you would see bits of terracotta fly into the truck with a slam.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

The dog immediately decided that today was "Nope" and tried to find a quiet corner.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

Remember those horses running by?  They were joined by someone who took a giant commercial clothes dryer and tossed some 2x4s, old bricks, and probably a dead body in there and turned it on.   All over the top of our heads.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

Rack began to shuttle back and forth between the bedrooms and his crate in the living room before deciding that sitting in front of the couch where he could watch me might be the best idea.  "Best" is relative.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

It will be an interesting few days.  Friday will be cold (69 as a high) but dry.  Saturday will be wet and cool, Sunday will be seasonable with passing showers.   All that rain is not welcome.   Our old roof was beginning to drip as it was.  Missing the tiles means that the house will go from an occasional drip when the winds were just right to an expected torrent.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

They're shoveling all sorts of things off the roof into the backyard, so who knows, Demolition may end earlier rather than later.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

I'm soldiering on here at the house.  Since the office has moved and is under construction, going to the Board won't cut it and I'd need to take the dog with me.  I'll grab the Noise Cancelling Headphones and maybe some earplugs on top of it.   As for Rack... Sorry buddy, you get to listen to it too.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

At least it is a good week for it.  The hangovers have ended for everyone by now, even if you are like me who only rarely drinks, and it's a short week.  Not everyone has geared up for the rigors of normal routines.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

Besides, we'll have a choice between an "orange" that looks more like a peachy terracotta, or a patterned variegated terracotta roof with no leaks.  That roof will be brought up to "Miami-Dade Hurricane Code" so we'll get a hefty discount on our Hurricane Insurance when it is done, and our roofer, Charlie Fox comes with a good reference.  We're leaning toward the variegated terracotta.  It will look nice for a year or three then we'll be muttering about having to "get someone up there to clean that damn roof".

BANGBANGBANGBANG

If you'll excuse me, I just heard something vibrate loose and fall in the Florida room... Oh, that was nothing, just old tar falling onto everything, including my backup laptop.  Now I can see the sky through my roof.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

If we get a shower, it's going to be a wet disaster.  I've got to move my gear today...

BANGBANGBANGBANG

By the end of all that banging, the tarpaper was on the roof.  This being Florida, even in the dry season, we could have a small shower that won't even show on radar.  These "Sub-Pixel" storms float in off the ocean, drench your backyard, but not your front yard, and move on to your neighbor's yard.  It may just water one potted plant before dissipating. 

None of that happened.  It remained clear into the night.  Overcast, but clear.   Ok, so it's Florida, and not only the weather is weird down here.

The inspection happens tomorrow.  There is a large aluminium ladder bolted to the house.  I suspect that is for safety and anti-theft, but either are good ideas.  They'll look over the roof to make sure it passes code and then the fun can begin again.

Bolted ladders.  What will they think of next?

Rainbow Ends at Five Points

January isn't supposed to be rainy and gloomy here in Sunny South Florida, but lately it has been.

Rack was sitting at the backdoor.  I had sent him out back so I could finish making breakfast.  He usually sits out closer to the pool in his assigned spot next to the steps into the water, but this time he was closer to the house and under the roof of the Lanai.

It was raining, hard.  A McNab being a herding dog, Rack is usually pretty bulletproof with weather.  As long as it isn't a thunderstorm, Rack won't mind a little rain.  This was a cloud burst.  We were having little green blobs on the radar come over us from The Bahamas.  I let Rack in the house, and thought nothing of it, returning to putter in the kitchen.

You can spend a lot of time puttering in the kitchen, trust me.

I had run out of things to do at that point and I had a few other things that I needed to get done.  Padding into the living room after the moist canine, I grabbed the laptop and the Cheeseburger In Paradise booster pillow that I use to raise it off my lap when I sat down.

There was a rainbow striped across the sky.  Time to get the camera and pretend to be a photographer again. 

In Wilton Manors, a Redundant Rainbow was over Wilton Drive.  It ended, at least by my view, at Five Points.  Might have made for a good commercial, if I was so inclined.  A Redundant Rainbow ends at a pot of gold in the lottery machine in the Publix.

Nah, that's just cheesy commercialism, but the Simile was a little too obvious for me not to take note of.

After all, it certainly wouldn't be the first time there was a rainbow over Wilton Drive, and it won't be the last.