When don't you disturb a broom? When it's sweeping.

Ok, this one is long, but it is really well told.  If you are just looking for a punch line or a giggle, skip to the end.

I will say my vote is on Civil Engineer.  I've seen too many systems built that were inherently flawed.  Those undersea mounts in the middle of the Atlantic near the Azores that threaten to flood the entire east coast of Los Estados Unidos if a well placed earthquake hits are a good example.

 

What kind of engineer is god?

At the bar the other week, I overheard an interesting conversation between three engineers discussing religion. Specifically, they were debating which type of engineer God was.

"I'm telling you," the first one said, "God is a mechanical engineer. It's obvious! Have you ever studied the human skeletal structure, the way our bones fit together, our padded joints, all working together in tandem with our muscles to provide optimized power delivery? 

We even have built in water cooling. Sure, there's wear and tear on the body as time goes on, but that's the nature of the field, and increasingly, our parts are replaceable, even the padding between our bones! I am telling you, God knew what they were doing when they built us - not only a mechanical engineer, but a mechanical engineer par excellence!"

This made the woman sitting across from her laugh very hard, but the man sitting to her left only cocked an eyebrow. "Are you serious?" he said. "'The mechanical engineering of the human body,' that's what impresses you? Knee replacements? 

Tell me, have you ever studied the complexity of the human eye, how signals are transported down the optical nerve to the frontal cortex, where they're processed, synthesized with the rest of our sensory data, and converted not only into an image, but a descriptive understanding of our surroundings? 

As if that weren't enough of a marvel, it's all part of a feedback system, where that information is used to make decisions, and feed the brain more information - a contained, self-sustaining electronic marvel. Your mechanical spine is nothing more than a support structure for the complex nervous system which governs everything you do. The brain is the true miracle of the human body, I'm telling you. God was an electrical engineer whose talent we can only aspire to."

The first engineer frowned at that, and for a moment was deep in thought, trying to come up with a retort. But the engineer across from her was laughing again, even harder at this story than the first one. "Just what is so funny?" she asked. "Whose side are you on here?"

The third engineer struggled to regain her composure, her laugh only trailing off slowly, with effort. Wiping a tear from her eye, she said, "I'm laughing because you two clearly haven't been in this job long enough yet, you have no perspective. 

'God's a mechanical engineer par excellence!' 'Oh, we can only aspire to be electrical engineers as great as God!'" She started laughing again, but regained control over herself. 

"You want to know what kind of engineer God is? Don't look at the propaganda, the 'miracles' of the human body, the pamphlets and blue prints they show the investors to get approval. Look at the as-built documents, the messy, ugly reality of what it all really amounts to in the end. That's how I know God is a civil engineer - who else would put the sewer drainage point in a recreational area?"

Why did the dog cross the road? Because someone left the door open.

 Actually, none of my dogs were "bolters".  Not the kind that would run off out of the house unless they knew that it was time for a WALK! and we were going somewhere.

If yours is, the problem is in the mirror.

For that matter, come to think of it, neither is my parrot.  I have had the cage outside and he just calls to me through the window.  Silly bird, you know how to open that door!  This is the same bird that would sit inside and call to people with a wolf whistle and confuse them.

They do that sort of thing from time to time.

So this woman got a new job a short walk from her house.
On her way to work her first day she walks in front of a pet store with a parrot in a cage out front.
As she walks by the parrot they look at each other and the parrot says "damn girl you are uuuuglyyy".
She is seriously offended and thinks about this all day at work.

She thought on her way home if the parrot says anything to her again she will go inside and tell the owner about his rude parrot.
So sure enough on her walk home as soon as the parrot sees her he says "damn girl you sure are ugly".
She gets pissed off and goes inside to tell the owner.

The owner is very apologetic and assures her it will not happen again.
She is satisfied and goes on home.

Then next day on her way to work she notices the parrot outside again and walks slowly by him, they both lock eyes and the parrot looks at her and says "you know".

How Do Dogs Learn This Stuff Or A Self Taught Dog Genius Has Learned Me

Picture it.
South Florida. 5 AM. Almost every morning.

I have a routine.  I just don’t know how I’ve been manipulated this way.  I will say that as far as “bad habits” go, this is a pleasant one.

You see, I have a pattern of things and in order to get my things done, I have to do his things.

His is Rack.  My McNab SuperDog(TM).  Oh I’m fine with it but he’s learned these behaviors so well that I didn’t realize how much he twisted me around his little white paws until I went on a drive.

I don’t drive often, it’s probably for the best.  When I do, it’s rarely very far.  Out to the park frequently so I’m the little old dude from Pasadena.  In the Jeep Wrangler.  

This particular day I had to go far.  “OTP” it used to be called.  Over The Turnpike.  It’s slang here for West Side Of The County.  West of 95.  Not somewhere I usually go.

My inline skates need a new liner and I thought I would go look in a shop for a new pair.  They didn’t have what I am looking for and since I am a VERY high end inline skater, I have to think twice about what I do.

This trip OTP gave me an excuse to think about things.  In this case about what I have to do to do my workouts.

I open my eyes at 5AM.  Pull the earplugs out of my ears and in the gloom I notice that I am being wagged at.  Even in the dark I know I have to pet Mr Dog.  He always is on the little mat that I keep by the bed, rolled on his back, wagging his tail, he is expecting tummy rubs.  Always gets 100 rubs plus about 10 or 20 pets on the head.  

I’m a soft touch.  But he knows if he has to use the back yard tree, to say something.  A wee little whine is enough.  Not today, I can go about my own paces and come back into the bedroom.

Now, being an athlete that works out every day of the year, I watch my weight.  Down to the fraction of a pound on the digital scale.  Rack has figured that out and expects that he will be weighed too.  I was putting on my cargo shorts and looked down and he was sitting on my toes, staring up, with one of his feet on the scale.  As if to say My Turn.

He is underweight and I need to watch that closely.  I’m fine, according to Scale and Trainer.  

He’s teaching himself to get on the scale so he stands up and puts weight on the one foot.  Scale turns on and I lift his remaining feet.  “38.4 Pounds, we have to watch that!”.

Next he walks to the kitchen and stands by the sink.  I get the food out and over-feed him to help him make weight.  It’s a long haul but someone has to do it.

When the food comes out of the microwave, he walks over to the mat where I put the food down and waits.  

He knows the routine.  Since this is a Bike day, I prep my coffee while he eats, get the light, pepper spray, leatherman’s tool, and 3 “dog bags” for the walk.

He finishes, walks to the door and looks back.

Next thing he’s figured out “Time to get dressed!”.  Collar is easy.  He then stands up to put his head in the harness.  Without asking he puts on the harness.  Foot flies through the air into the chest strap.  Tail wags, looks back.  I snap the harness closed and we step on the porch.

The thing is that all these behaviors were self taught.  When I tell people that My Dog Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student, I mean it.

I go for a drive, could not find any of the parts I was looking for and come home.  While we go through the food thing again, he gets three meals just like I do, he hears something he doesn’t like.  “Go Look!.” as he walks to the front door and surveys the damage.  Why bark when you can just look?

I had a siesta today and there were workers across the street on the property there.  Instead of him losing his cool and freaking out, he let me know by putting a paw on my chair.

Who does this?  Who taught him this stuff?  I am frankly amazed at this.  

If we could get him to stop barking at delivery trucks I’d be happy!

He’s not perfect but he’s learned me.  I guess that’s the most you can hope for.

Handling a Karen is like handling a crocodile. They're only dangerous if you let them open their mouths.

See, I knew plenty of good women named Karen.  Settled, Kind, Solid, help you out in a pinch.

But hey, I'm not doing serious stuff here on a weekend am I?

No, I'm doing Yo Mama Jokes... the return!




Yo Mama is so fast that she was arrested for speeding on the Autobahn
Yo Mama is so nasty that she bit a dog and gave it rabies.
Yo Mama is so old that her biography starts with “In the Beginning”.
Yo Mama is so old that when she hears people talking about the dinsoaur extinction she said, "I remember that.".
Yo Mama is so poor that she married young just to get the rice.
Yo mama is so poor that she could only go to the dollar store when it's having a half-off sale.
Yo Mama is so sick that they named a COVID variant after her.
Yo mama is so slow that it took her 9 months to make a joke.
Yo Mama is so stupid that when she heard the weather man say it would be chilly out today. So she went outside with a bowl and spoon!
Yo Mama is so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground and missed
Yo Mama is so stupid if brains were dynamite she wouldnt have enough to blow her nose.
Yo Mama is so stupid that she tried to climb Mountain Dew.
Yo Mama is so stupid that it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo Mama is so stupid she was scared to drive after drinking water.
Yo Mama is so Ugly that she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application

A Pre-Dawn Dog Directed Walk With Rack

Two hours before sunrise, I grab my phone and pull the covers over my head.

I haven't even pulled my earplugs out of my ears, I don't want to wake anyone in the house.  A Parrot greeting the dawn is just a bit too much some days!

I'm sure I have already woken up Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM).  I hear his ears flap in the breeze.  I guess he's stretching and waiting.

Checking the weather, there's nothing for "a couple hours" of distance nearby so I can do whatever I like in this predawn morning.

It's time to get out of bed oh-five-too-early AM.  Stupid o'clock.

Feet on the floor, my faithful sidekick is wagging his tail against the blanket and the bed frame. 

"Of course I will pay attention to you!".  I whisper to Rack.

He rolls over onto his back and wants belly rubs.  I swear he's made of a collection of loosely assembled parts. 

In the gloom, I give him a couple minutes of belly rubs and then get prepared to go and greet the day.   Rack gets his fresh water and food and finishes it while I am brushing my teeth.  Those few seconds under the covers checking radar told me I needed at least that.

We get ourselves together and I say "Start Strava" after having strapped myself into the heart rate monitor I use to gauge my workouts and we walk out the door.

Brilliant starshine, or at least what passes for it here in the big sprawl of Suburban Fort Lauderdale Area.  I see the streak of light glowing grey-blue in the south western sky from the Hard Rock Casino, down in Hollywood.

Stepping toward the hedges, Rack trots over to them and waters them as I look up at Orion and it's belt.  Everywhere I have lived, I have noted where that constellation is.  Three stars in a line and the twin trapezoids forming a familiar sight.  When I had a house in Philadelphia, it showed itself as soon as I stepped off the porch.  Here, it's behind the house and up over the ocean.  At least in late summer.

Rack has a very strong opinion of where he wants to go, whether I am awake enough to appreciate it.  At this point he pulls me across the deserted street to the house, and insists we go in.  

I unlock the door and we're in.  Removing his leash and set it on the floor.  He trots to the back door and looks back.  "Ok, I'm coming" as I lock the front of the house.  

I didn't feel like being social with the neighbor and her overly friendly love sponge of a pitbull at this time of the morning.  All muscle, that sweet dog would knock me over trying to express love!  The yipping of too overly social dogs will wake the dead!

Rack and I go out to the back yard and I inspect things.   We've been away for most of the summer while work happens on the house.  My prized plants are overgrowing, pots have been knocked over in a stray overnight storm.  I think that I will have to go back during the daylight hours and really look into what is going on.

He's back in the utility easement again "watering things".  That will keep the wildlife out of the yard at any rate, they don't seem to like the scent of a dog all over the plantings. 

We gather ourselves together, go back into the house.  He's already at the front door, he looks back at me.  Crunching construction debris I make my own way.  Attaching his leash, we step out.  

Once I get to the bottom of the property, I get more insistent walking instructions.  He starts dragging me down the block.  Our pitbull friend is gone and the morning is beginning to shine.  Orion is beginning to fade.

As we get back to the house, he spots a neighbor who is asking "Where's the running shoes?"  Rack is trying to greet him across the street.   "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!" I respond.  My chest strap flashes a green LED at him.  I look like a demented dog walking robot.  

I may as well be since the coffee has yet to be brewed.

Amusing.  Pivot to another sport for a bit and the neighborhood notices.  At my size, I would tend to fill up the sidewalks anyway, and add the dog and it's full.  "Is that why you don't run with Rack?"

Yes, the world is not ready for a football player sized man and an overeager herding dog running down a narrow sidewalk!

Well once the sun comes up, it gets hot fast.  Florida.  It's just past Labor Day, there is a change in the air.  Temps at Sunrise are below 80F so High Summer has ended.  Just wait for the water to cool for Hurricane Season to end.

We all hope for that.  Dodging storms here unfortunately means wishing weather on someone else!  Stay Dry!

I’m not superstitious, I’m only a little stitous.

I'm not sure that putting animals in cages so humans can gawk at them is a completely good idea, but on the other hand, they are educating children and some adults.  That and I have heard of breeding programs that have aided in reestablishing some depleted populations. 

*shrug*  Since I am willing to say that a Zoo is somewhat better than neutral if done right.  Its a bit above my pay grade and I just got back from a workout so on to the story.



 
A man built a zoo..

He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo..

He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.

He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a result, many people entered the zoo and it was filled with people. More than 4000 people came in.

He then quietly locked the zoo gate, freed the crocodiles, lions and tigers and then made an exit fee of $100.

Everyone paid immediately just to get out!

Since that one was a bit on the short side, here's another one that's a bit on the short side!

A man walks into a museum

He sees a dinosaur skeleton and asks the tour guide “How old is that skeleton?”

The tour guide says “65 million and 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.”

“Wow” says the man, “How do you get such a specific measurement?”

The tour guide replies “Well it was 65 million years old when I started working here. I’ve been here for 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.”

On the internet you can be whoever you want, it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid just like me today...

Ok, so no matter how bad these Yo Mama jokes are, the internet really does think that Yo Mama is fat.  

 

Yo Mama is so fat that her Google Maps marker crashes the phone.
Yo Mama is so fat that she doesn't need a dowsing rod to find water.
Yo Mama is so fat that she put a compass factory out of business.
Yo Mama is so fat that safety laws require her to put a manhole cover over her bellybutton.
Yo Mama is so fat that airlines pay her not to fly.
Yo Mama is so fat that NASA tracks her to include her mass in launch formulas.
Yo Mama is so fat that Dominos doesn't need a car to deliver to her.
Yo Mama is so fat that bears put out a sign to not feed her.
Yo Mama is so fat that she gets cats out of trees by leaning on her side.
Yo Mama is so fat that she's on the eclipse schedules.
Yo Mama is so fat that UFO's report her.
Yo Mama is so fat that she scored for both sport teams at the same time.
Yo Mama is so fat that Chris Christie hangs out with her to look thin in comparison.
Yo Mama is so fat when she farts the city goes on a boil water advisory.
Yo Mama is so fat that her nude pics are too big to download
Yo Mama is so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.

The Story Of The 100 Mile An Hour Hurricane Tape

Tape fit for a Hurricane, or 100 Miles an Hour or so.

Ok, if you must, how about 162kph?

What...Ever!  How fast is that measured in Bananas?  Giraffes?  Tardigrades?

Anyway...

Once upon a time I worked at a university.  Mind you working at a Uni can be great but in this case I had a boss who would tell stories about gambling at the casinos in Atlantic City and dreamed about taking a trip to Las Vegas.

At that point he'd go off on an hour long tangent and I'd fall asleep in the chair.

Not that he lasted there as my boss all that long, they shuffled him off to the side and installed a crony, a friend, who was just as inept at management as my old boss was.

At least my old boss was a nice guy, this one... wow!  Listen out there in Blog-Land if you ever end up with a person trying to manage you who was a coach in a martial arts dojo, do your career a favor and quit.  I did, and frankly I know of others in that same department who did and are happier that they put that incompetent behind them.

But about a year before I left there, I took all my banked vacation time and had a long vacation.  With holidays, weekends, and so forth I was away for a month at the quiet time of year. 

Felt great, less filling.

So less filling that as I traveled South I got hungry in Northern Virginia.  There's a barbecue joint there on US1 just off the interstate.  The food was OK, and they have another joint about two miles North of me...

Ok, 3KM.  Damn! Metric People! chill!

And we pulled into the parking lot.  Had a meal in the converted fast food place.  The parking lot was chock full of locals who worked in the area out of their trucks.  Plumbers and Electricians if I misremember right.

As I am getting ready to mount my Jeep and head on South for my month away from incompetent managers in IT in a largish university in North Philadelphia (narrows things down huh?), someone started backing up out of a parking space.

He hit the gas and rumbled on around the back. 

As he moved, his truck dropped a roll of tape.  I looked at it and it was very "military" looking.  Being Northern Virginia, well there's a lot of current and former military people there and while a bit conservative for my tastes, they'll help you out in a fix.

That tape... It turned out to be legendary.  Had a "MilSpec" rating on its inside, and was low gloss Olive Drab.  I don't know if the guy got it from a PX but I was happy to find it.  Tossed it behind my seat in the Jeep and continued on my way.

After researching the roll it turned out to be truly Military Issue, so I put the stuff to use.

This was in winter of 2005.  I still own items made and repaired out of that tape.  I only tossed it in the trash this year when I got very close to the end of the roll and finally it began to "de-laminate".

Why is it so good?  Not because it has Uncle Sam's signature of approval, but more because it wasn't some of the usual garbage imported and manufactured to a low WalStarMart or other BigBox Store standard.

This stuff was nicknamed 100 MPH tape or Hurricane Tape.  The story told to me was that it is actually used to patch helicopter blades in an emergency and is so strong that it holds things together in flight. 

Yeah Hurricane Wind Speeds.  I'm in Florida, that is important.

I am also an endurance athlete.  Even at my *ahem* Middle Age, for me to mount my inline skates and roll for a marathon workout at 27 miles roughly (40Km sheesh) in a couple-of-hours is a normal thing.   

I did five marathons in January 2022, alone.

So all this distance means that there's abrasion of sock against liner of the boot.  As I was told once upon a water stop by a team mate on the Philadelphia inline skating team, "We just put duct tape in our boots and get another year out of it". 

Another year with their tape, but another five or more with mine.  This 100MPH tape would go for years with my heel and achilles tendon rubbing against it and sliding against the 12 or 13 micron thick olive drab vinyl.

Don't have it?  Well what are ya waitin' for?

Can't get it in Your Country?  I know Amazon has it because that's where I got it this time.  I know that I will be lining my hotspots in my boot liner to get another 2000-3000 miles out of them.

A 25 dollar roll of tape vs a 75 dollar liner for my boots ... twice?  yeah I'll go with the tape.  It's low rent but my sponsorship dried up when the sport did.

But here I am in the South Florida Sun, greased up with sun block, sweaty as they come, but happily squeaking along in my sk8boots chalking up the miles.

Only 1500 miles left to once around the world!

On Yer Left!

Why did the bike fall?? Because it was two tired

Sitting on the counter is my crockpot.  It's got four pounds of chicken breast meat cut into cubes no longer than your thumb that went into the pickle juice from the fridge pickles I made last week from this recipe.  I guess I made chicken ceviche, but I'll let you know how it is when cooked.   Actually that pickle brine was good enough that even Tofu tossed in the stuff would be tasty.

Still it's not my favorite animal...




Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now..

I know it's rude to pick my nose in public but I lost mine and I need a new one.

 Here I sit at sunrise on Saturday morning.  Fully caffeinated so watch out world.  I am considering what to do with the weekend and think we need to hit the market and it means I have to do meal planning.

I know that I want to make some Crumpets from this recipe and that simplifies things since we won't have to go to a specialty market.  I mean come on, this is South Florida, not the middle of the desert.  There are plenty of Brits and UK Subjects running around that Crumpets should not be as expensive and rare as they are for those little pancake looking things but ...

That does not settle my need for Protein since my training diet is hitting hard and each day's workout burn is over 2000 calories a day.  Maybe this story has a bit of help for us?  Hmm what to make?  French Toast?

Thankfully I am not in Texas!




A Frenchman came to Texas to visit an old friend. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the bar and the Texan ordered 2 Lone Stars and a bowl of calf fries. The Frenchman looks at the calf fries and asks what they are.

"Them's calf balls!" announces the Texan.

Well, you know how the French are - they eat frogs legs after all - he dove right in and found them delicious, though he wasn't sure about the Lone Star. Soon enough, they've finished the bowl and the Texan orders some lamb fries. And some more beers. Well, the Frenchman has to ask what he's about to eat.

"Them's lamb nuts!" bellows the Texan.

Of course, we all know that the French will eat anything (escargot, anyone?), so he dives right in. Not wanting his friend to go hungry, the Texan orders their meal.

"Ah'd like 2 cheeseburgers with French fries," he tells the waitress.

His friend faints.