I have a calculus joke, but it’s derivative.

 I never got Calculus.  They taught it as a quit course - one designed to make you quit the university.  Hard way to calculate a derivative first.  They then said "Oh forget all that, you can do it this way".  Much easier.

Soured me on higher education from then on out.



And speaking on things that might sour you... this is a wee bit edgy, so proceed on forearmed.




Doctor doctor give me the news

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!", his mom screams, "Knock it off or you're going to break something!"

Johnny stops and shortly thereafter mom leaves to go grocery shopping. Johnny starts up again immediately.

Finally growing bored, he gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom gets home and while putting away the groceries gets a bubbling feeling in her gut. It's a diarrhea run!!!

She makes it to the toilet just in time and SPLOOSH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor, but he's baffled as she describes the situation. He assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the brown thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere! It's on him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been a doctor over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!'"