Asking for a Day Off and Two Hunters In The Woods

Two Hunters in the Woods When One Collapses

He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”





Asking for A Day Off

A worker goes up to his boss and asks:
Worker: Hey, sir, I'm having a kid, can I have the day off?
Boss:Sure go ahead

The next day, the worker comes in and the boss asks:
Boss: Hey! Is it a boy or a girl?
To which the worker replies: "I don't know, but I will tell you in nine months."

Christmastime at the Pearly Gates

Christmas time at the Pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

Mom Got Fed - Caring for Your Sourdough Mother

I can't get Amoroso's Rolls in South Florida.

The nearest Wawa at this point is South East of Orlando.

I wish they'd open a Wawa here in Wilton Manors, but this is a small city.

I love sourdough but never managed to get the Starter or Mother to work right ... until this time.

The last rolls I made were perfect.  Very sharp sourdough tang to them.  They used a very long rise time of 23 hours, and no yeast.   This batch of hoagie rolls and the sandwich sized rolls just off frame to the left were a shorter rise of only 2 hours with some commercial yeast added to the dough.

The result is that that little piece you see in the lower left tasted only mildly like sourdough, but it was there.  The Crust was crispy but not too thick.  Kind of a "Cracker Crust" on a hoagie roll that will go well with ham, prosciutto, sharp provolone, onions, tomato, lettuce, spices, EVOO, and Balsamic Vinegar.  

Can you tell what Lunch will be?

I'm "in".  I have a functional Mother who will live in my fridge until I get a power outage and the entire contents have to be chucked.

How do I care for Mom?

Yes, I really do refer to it as Mom, but hey I'm enjoying the whole process.

After I created the Sourdough Starter, I used up 2 ounces (1/4 cup) in a recipe.  This means you have to feed Mother at least 2 ounces. 

I fed Mother

• 2 ounces of all purpose flour, 
• 2 ounces of warm to the touch water,
• Stir Mother until smooth.  Air Bubbles are acceptable at this time, it makes her happy.

I then put Mother in a one quart resealable jar and placed it on the top shelf, front of the refrigerator.

What this will do is keep Mother alive but not so vigorous that you will need to feed Mother every day.

I feed Mother once a week, or when I make Sourdough bread.

I actually got about 5 days in and fed Mother another 2 ounces each of water and flour.

The trick is to always feed water and flour evenly and feed well before your intended use date so the new flour and water get incorporated into the Mother.   In my refrigerator, in my conditions, I saw a bloom of new bubbles from the sourdough bacteria and yeasts within a couple hours, and it settled down to make a fine amber liquid on top by the next day.

Day 2 usually smells more like beer than bread, but it is fine as long as it doesn't smell "vile".  Sourdough is a living thing, treat it well and you will enjoy the results.

Stir your Mother often, once a day is fine.  I do mine at breakfast while I am waiting for the water to boil for coffee.

I bake on the weekends, typically, so I will feed Mother on Wednesday or Thursday.   Prepare the dough on Friday, and allow a day to rise in the oven with the heat off but with a pan of hot water under the dough.   This will allow the dough to rise and not dry out.  If it does dry out, the crust will have a strange texture similar to crackers, but not as pleasant.

If I bake with sourdough Mother and commercial Yeasts, I allow at least 2 hours to rise and then bake at 450 for 11 minutes to get the results you see in the picture above.

The longer you allow your dough to rise, the better and more complex the flavor will be.  If bread tastes flat and lifeless, why bother wasting the calories.

I typically weigh my dough balls when I prepare rolls.  A good Sandwich roll is 80 Grams, a good Hoagie roll is 120 grams.  Yes, I use a gram scale.  It really does help to make your results come out correctly first time, every time.

Who Wants Yogurt? A Beggy Dog's Morning

Standing in the kitchen mulling over the day, I was debating what project to attack first.

Shall I get the latest SugarCRM system and try to install it in a Virtual Computer?  Probably not, I can do that in my sleep now.

Train a bit on my Microsoft Sharepoint Server?  Probably will.  I have a Windows Server 2012 virtual machine with Sharepoint installed.  I can start that up and work on it from the safety of my browser.

There are some video projects that I need to edit down and water mark.  That stuff is always fun but it takes time to move a DVD worth of video off of the device to get it to the work station.

The Microwave bleeped at me breaking my concentration.  Three cups of milk, now at 200F, that needs to cool so I can make more yogurt.

Looking up from the counter, away from Mom, my Sourdough Mother, I saw the reflection in the sliding glass door that led out from my Florida Room.  I was being watched.

Rack, my McNab Dog, can be a bit too smart for his own good sometimes.  If I leave him in the house while I am having breakfast, I get stared down.  Guilted into sharing my Cranberry and Plain Yogurt, I will leave a tablespoon in the bowl when I am through and place it in his food bowl.

I guess the boy's come to expect that.  Stare Down Dad, He's a Soft Touch.

When breakfast time comes, usually a good 2 hours after I am out of bed, I ask him if he wants to use the backyard.  Black and white fur moves on cat like feet, with a grace I can only achieve on 10 inline skate wheels.   Safely sealed behind glass, I walk back into the kitchen and have a bowl of oatmeal followed by a bowl of homemade yogurt with some cranberry sauce.  I must have the most healthy insides on the island after that stuff!

You see Mr Dog has learned how to use a mirror.   The first time I introduced him to the house, he walked into the master bedroom and saw the mirror on the wall.  Full length, he cocked his head, sniffed the other dog, and realized he smelled like glass instead of...

Well you get the picture, he wasn't really concerned with the dog in the looking glass.

I didn't realize he understood that well enough to look at what I was doing in the kitchen, supposedly out of view. 

And. Dogs. Like. Yogurt.

Lots.

Really.

Lots.

At least my dog does.

Rack will sit down near the door, on the deck by the pool, and watch both the window and the door.   He now knows to look at the reflection on the glass and see what is going on in the well lit kitchen behind the coffee gear and the solid wall.

Amazing dog.  Really.  They're always two steps ahead of you.

Not wanting to feed into the food begging, I finished up my pinkish blobs of cranberry goodness, and rinsed the bowl out.

Walking to the backdoor, I let him in.  Rack made a bee-line for his food bowl hoping I would forget being Dad once, and become his bestest buddy once again.

Nope, sorry, pal, you're not getting a snack this morning.  Better luck next time.  Nobody likes a beggy doggy.

Three Holiday Boxes, Ready to Go!

Three Holiday Boxes, ready to be sent out to their homes.

Every year, I bake cookies, roast coffee, and set aside a few odds and ends.  Drop them into these boxes, and send them off to some specific people.

They know who they are, and they know what to expect.

I make it a point to throw some curve ball items in each box every year just to make it a little less predictable.

I'm also forgetful this year.  I forgot to put a Card in there with the letter saying what everything is, and I know that I will get comments about that.

But it is my specialty to make these things every year, plus on their birthdays.  I usually have spare cookie dough in the house as a result, since the birthdays come spread out just enough that there's always something in the house.  It works out to be four times a year at any rate.

So once I get to the Oakland Park Post Office, up on Dixie later on, they'll get on their way.  I'm thinking they "should" get to their destination by Saturday, but only if I get there by noon.

Monster.com, Are You Kidding? Fancybox? Really?

In business, there is a phrase.

"Eat Your Own Dog Food."

Monster.com doesn't seem to realize this in their roll out of new "features".

You see, Eat Your Own Dog Food really means that you're going to use your own product to make sure that it suits what you intend it to do, and that you aren't giving the competitors an unfair advantage.

In web development and Project Management, this means finding someone who becomes the "Subject Matter Expert" and "Product Owner" and takes on a very special role.   When I worked at the university, and in every position I have held back into the beginning days of my career, I've assumed this role.  It means that you are going to step back, listen to what the "Main User" of the system says about it, and champion that role within "Development" so that the Main User's need are best served.

It means that you have to anticipate how any person will use the system and make sure that problems do not occur, and that when they do, problems are dealt with gently and "Gracefully".

It also means that unintended consequences sometimes occur like in this picture above.

It is one of my least favorite features, the "Fancybox" or the "Lightbox".

It is also very very rarely used correctly.

This is an example of how badly monster.com used the fancybox.

I did this under "my signon" and on another browser with no signon and it repeats itself.

Simply put, go onto Monster.com and do a search for any position you like in what ever zipcode you prefer.  Monster will return a list of positions.  It may even give you more than one page.  When you go from page 1 to page 2, it will put a "fancybox" up on your browser asking you "Let These Jobs Come To You".

No, you blistering idiot, that is not what I wanted.

You see it will do that for this page, and any future page I want to look at. 

Every Blistering Page.

Ok, so I'm quoting the TV Sliders and Dr. Arturo with his wonderful rants and insults, but the point is still valid - Fancyboxes rarely serve a useful purpose For The User.

I went in immediately to my browser, clicked "Adblock Plus" and found a script.  I blocked it, and refreshed the page, and now I'm back to the old Fancybox Free behavior.

If I wanted an RSS Feed of the search parameters, it would not work because since I live in a major metropolitan area, Miami-Fort Lauderdale-West Palm Beach, there are thousands of jobs.  I have given up on RSS Feeds for this because they "max out" at 50.  I typically would need around 500 to be able to see the last two days worth of positions on this given search.

I have many searches, and have saved each individual page to save me a LOT of time that would be otherwise wasted clicking on "Next Page" buttons.   If I were not able to do the search the way I do, then I probably would have stopped using Monster.com a long time ago.

So all you need to do is go into your adblock plus and block the script called:

http://media.newjobs.com/nmy/usen/iperceptions506.js

It is badly written code, your QA, Development Department, and Project Managers have made a mistake.

It simply does not belong in a professional product like we have come to expect in Monster.com.  It only can have come from someone who has sat in too many Marketing Meetings and thought they could get more "buy-in" from their users.

Curiosity

I must have been channeling pop culture a few years back when I took this picture.

There was an artist that went around taking pictures of dogs, cats, and piglets.  Using a fisheye lens, he ended up with a rather distorted picture.  Giant nose, smaller head, and a ridiculously undersized body, it looked like an Anime picture on steroids.

I don't have a fisheye lens.  I have a middle of the road 8 megapixel stand alone camera that I use very heavily.  I am literally wearing the camera out.

I also have a very curious dog, Rack.

Rack will go out into the backyard on his own, wander around, snuffle the ground, and generally explore things but do so slowly.   If I am out there, he becomes the curious child wanting to know what I'm up to, up in my business as they say.

If I end up going into the shed, he'll walk up close by me but not too close.  I can't drop anything because he's sitting just outside of the door and the noise will make him bolt, head for the door and shudder.

Much better than he was with noise triggers, he still is quite jumpy.

If I ever needed a hunting dog, Rack most certainly is not one.

I'm not a hunter, although I have pulled quite a few iguanas out of the swimming pool.  Rack, on the other hand really could not be bothered with the invasive green monsters.  He's much more interested in the Monarch Butterflies that float by on the breezes.  Nut Brown eyes will follow the orange floaters in amazement until they pass out of sight.

Nice to have the company though.  He will keep me in view, parking himself nearby if I am quiet, further away when I drop the tools on the ground.  I keep him entertained and his curiosity satisfied.

In Line at the Supermarket, and Petal and Fridge

In Line At The Supermarket

Standing in line at the supermarket, I turned around and saw a beautiful young woman who looked a little familiar.

I told her that I thought I knew her, to which she replied, "Well you should remember me. You`re the father of one of my kids."

I had to stop and think, and then it hit me. "New Years Eve - 2008. That rooftop party in San Diego! Wow!
We got so drunk together, didn`t we? That was some night, huh? I guess I should have stayed in touch."

She looked at me a little puzzled and said, "What are you talking about? I am your son`s pre-school teacher."


Petal and Fridge

There were two sisters called Petal and Fridge sitting with their parents.
Petal asked her mum, "Mum, why am I called Petal?". 
Her mum replied "Well it's because when you were a baby, a flower petal fell on you".
Then Fridge said "BLRGGGGGAAABLLRR!!!"

Three Drunk Guys and a Taxi & Who Says Guys Can't Remember

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.

Then said, "We're here".

The 1st guy gave him money.
The 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver.

The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".

The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!"



Who Says Guys Can't Remember

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Ellie's Portrait

Running around the backyard will tire you out, whether man or beast.

When Ellie came over for a playdate a while back, she was doing just that.  Running over every square inch of the yard, sniffing the trees that Rack had watered, and basically enjoying the freedom of being an off leash dog outside of the house.

Ellie is a part of Rack's Pack.  She lives across the street in our little neighborhood on our quirky little island.  Bill brought her over one day, shyly suggesting that we try it out in the yard.  Why not?  After all the two dogs, Rack and Ellie, walk around down 3 or more nights a week.

We either park ourselves in front of Wilton Manors City Hall for a bit so Rack can get "innoculated" against the noises of traffic, or lately we've been taking The Long Walk out to Island City Park Preserve.  Good exercise for all.

But that's all on leash.  In this case we had a solid half hour of canine chaos.  They did visit the far corner of the yard and got barked at by the pitbull that lives on the opposite of the four corners of the property line from us.  He was boring so we saw them charge back into the yard, leaping all the way.

Ellie is a middle aged dog, having her second life with us after the original owner got too old to properly care for her.  She's socializing well, and helping me to calm Rack down on our walks.  Good company, but don't get on her level and make kissy faces or you'll find 45 pounds of fur licking your face!