Never trust people who renovate kitchens. They specialize in counterfeiting.

 It's a Sunday.  The Pre-Fab Pizza Crust is thawing.  The Cheese and Sauce are thawed.  Mushrooms are sauteed and thawed.  Got to grate some Parmesan though... We will be making more of Kevin's Pizza Sauce today too.  Best sauce I ever had and simple too!

Hmmm, can you guess what is on order for lunch?

But I will say I could use a proper "Counter Fitter".  You can do a lot in an old kitchen, after all you have for all these years but things are a bit tight when you put someone whose nickname is Moose.

An old billionaire marries a young woman.

He tells his wife that his only wish is to be buried with all of his wealth. The wife agreed without a second thought. Months went by and the man sadly passed away.

At the funeral, his wife walked up to the casket with an envelope in her hand. Solemnly, she placed the envelope in the casket with her husband.

The priest stood nearby and asked the wife: “What’s in there dear?”

The wife replied: “My husband’s final wish was to be buried with all of his money. So I had to make sure it happened.”

The priest looked at the small envelope with confusion, adding: “But my dear, he was so rich. How did you fit it all in there?”

“Well,” the wife replied, “there was far too much of course, so I did the courtesy of transferring it all into my account and writing him a check.”

I'm giving away my mobile phone, but the battery is dead. That's right, free of charge!

This is a story about what I have called The Long Game.  Or steadiness and craftiness beats speed and randomness every time!

Hey, they can't all be called the Tortoise and the Hare, can they?

 

 A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins every day on their walk home.

After a week, the old man walked out and greeted the kids again. However this time, he didn’t have a smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income." he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50¢ a day to keep you kids banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my retirement checks yet so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25¢ to bang on the bins. Will that be okay?"

"That's it!?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25¢ a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...

Lazy Gardeners Bring Monarchs and Milkweed Flowers

I'll admit it.  The Pot does not need to be in the garden.

However, it's been there for a while, abandoned.

For quite a while.

I use it to start plants but that does not always work out.  When it failed, it got left there.

However we have a steady flow of breeze here.

Down the block, from the ocean.  It brings dust from the beaches, and some of it from the Sahara Desert far away.  

It also catches things that are discarded.  

I have found flyers, as well as pieces of paper that simply have blown down the block and ended up here.

Also, someone upwind of me is growing Milkweed.

As a measure of how long that pot has sat in my garden, a seed had landed there and grown into a plant.  The plant had grown long enough to form flowers.

The plant had been spotted by the Monarchs that are here in the neighborhood all year round and eggs were laid.

Mind you, I rather like Monarchs, and I cultivate these plants purposely.  I never manage to get seeds off the flowers because the Monarchs are rather insistent.  They get eaten down to stubs and I'm actually surprised that this particular involuntary plant has gone as far as it has. 

But the show they give is quite entertaining.  Monarchs on the breezes.  Black and Orange, Floating in the sun.  Over the house, and to the garden.  Laying eggs when they are done.

So I just got into the profession of sales. Now how do I get out?

 A really well told story with a cute punch line.  It has me smiling over my generic brand cereal, milk, and fruit smoothie this morning.  

I hope it brings a smile to your face as well!

 

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest and roared mightily.

As the explorer ran for his life, King Kong set off in hot pursuit. Instinctively the explorer headed for the heart of the jungle, hoping that he might be able to hide from his manic pursuer, but wherever he tried to conceal himself, King Kong always managed to find him.

As night began to fall, the explorer prayed that he would be able to lose the gorilla in the darkness but no matter how fast he ran, the sound of King Kong’s pounding footsteps was just behind him.

For three long days and nights, the explorer ran through the island, with King Kong always close behind, occasionally letting out a menacing roar from his vast throat. Eventually the explorer reached the coast. There were no ships in sight for an easy escape, so he realized the only option was to dive into the sea and hope that King Kong couldn’t swim. But to his horror, the gorilla jumped in straight after him and demonstrated an excellent front crawl.

On and on they swam across the ocean, rarely separated by more than a few waves, until four months later the weary explorer arrived in Brazil. He scrambled ashore with as much energy as he could muster, only to see the mighty King Kong right behind him, still beating his chest ferociously and with steam billowing from his nostrils. Through the streets of Rio they stumbled, explorer and ape equally exhausted, until the explorer took a wrong turn and ended up down a dead end, his escape barred by a huge wall.

With nowhere left to run, he sank to his knees in despair and pleaded to King Kong: "Do whatever you want with me. Kill me, eat me, do what you like, but make it quick. I can't run anymore!"

King Kong slowly stalked over to the cowering explorer, extended his giant paw, then gently touched the man and roared: ‘TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

If devices can all just charge wirelessly then more power to them

 I have a cousin in Nebraska.  Nice enough guy, we share first and last name.  I found him doing a search online to see how my reputation was.  We're fine, but do be careful before you say something online since Online Is Forever.

We have a conversation going with four other people scattered through the country and it devolved into a Talk Like A Pirate Day on SMS Text.  Yes, it's a bit strange to have a bunch of folks typing in messages and pretending to be Captain Crunch, but we all decided it was in good fun if Cap'n Horatio Crunch sounded like a Newfie.

A Newfie is someone from Newfoundland Canada, generally has a distinctive accent, and I have never met one that I didn't like.  So here ya go, now!  Sorry.

Two Newfoundlanders, Jimmy and Dave, are out of work, so they decide to move to Toronto to find jobs. They scrounge up every last cent they have for the trip and find they have $1000 between them to get started.

As soon as they get to Toronto, they see a sign in a shop window that says "Suits--$5.00/Shirts--$3.00/Pants--$2.00"

Dave says to Jimmy, "Look at dose prices, Jimmy! Listen, b'y, ferget da jobs. We can walk in dere, load up on haberdashery wit the grand, take 'em back to Newfoundland to sell 'em and make a goddamned mint!"

The two walk in to the shop, trying their best to put on a Toronto accent, and Jimmy says, "Good day, sir. We would loike to purchase one hundred of your foinest suits, one hundred shirts, and one hundred pants."
Shopkeeper says, "You guys are from Newfoundland, aren't you?"

The boys say, "How did you know dat?!"
Shopkeeper says, "This is the dry cleaners."

Did You Ever Wonder Why The Watch Maker Takes So Long?

The Man with a Clock has the time.

The Man with Two is never sure.

I have always had a thing for clocks and watches.

Not those quartz things.  They just don't have "a soul" to me.  Sure they are more accurate and don't need maintenance, except a battery every year, but there's just something missing.

I have too many clocks.  I just had to replace a quartz movement over the weekend, and it will be fine until next year.

I mean real clocks.  Mechanical Clocks.  I have a mechanical automatic diver's watch on my left wrist right now.  Seiko.  I wanted one of these since I was a toddler and learned what the difference was.  

It turns out that that particular movement is something of a sought after item.  I'm afraid to have it worked on as a result.

One of the too many is this beast I have on the wall.  Yes it works, but no it is not in the best of shape.

You see, being a big bruiser, I've knocked into it,  The last time I went to wind it, I dropped the pendulum.  It fell to the floor and the weight went to the bottom of the metal strip that hangs it from the mechanism.

The clock itself has fallen from the wall.  The movement works and keeps time but it is insanely fiddly to set.

That is why I have respect for a clock maker's art.

The clock sits up and to the right of me at my computer, in the corner.  

When it chimes at exactly on the hour, I check the time on the computer that sets itself to the same time standard as every other computer on the web.  

Make a note of it.

Wait an hour.  Did you catch it?  No, wait another hour.

You were in the kitchen again?  Water running, didn't hear it?

How about the time you were in the shower? 

Is someone making breakfast and dropped a frying pan?

Finally it's four hours later, and you catch it again.  The chime hit a second earlier.
So in four hours that clock is running a second fast.  Remember to run the pendulum a tiny bit "down".

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

And don't drop the pendulum again because if you do, it's start over.

So that is one of the projects that exist when you insist on doing things your own way and technology has moved on. 

Oh!  And there is also Mom's Clock... that one hasn't been accurate in a couple years.

What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead and the chicken is in front of him now, and in addition to being impossibly fast, it looks like the chicken has 3 legs!

The chicken turns down a driveway leading to a farm and disappears. Well, naturally the man had to follow the chicken to see where it went because he thought he must be going crazy at this point. After a mile or so he pulls up to a farm, where he sees a farmer standing out front.

The man gets out of his car and and walks up to the farmer and asks "sir, did you just see a chicken come blazing past here?".

"Yes." The farmer replied.

"Did that chicken have 3 legs!?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I breed 3 legged chickens." The farmer said.

"And why do you do that?"

"Well, when we cook a chicken for dinner, I like to have a drumstick, the wife likes to have a drumstick, and my son also wants a drumstick, and by golly I just got sick of fighting over them."

A long pause...while the man scratches his head. He finally asks the farmer, "so...how do they taste?"

The farmer responds with a frustrated tone: "I don't know! I've never been able to catch one!"

People say time is money - well I don't buy that for a second

Having gotten up two hours before sunrise I have already edited an older Linux post, Growled at an HR drone in an email, and am now debating if we have enough sauce for Pizza tomorrow.

Pizza never sleeps.  We love our Pizza.

So since you should always remember that HR exists to protect the Company's rights and not your own, here is a bit of workplace cynicism for your Saturday Morning. 

 

100 Bricks

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

    If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

    If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

    If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

    If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

    If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

    If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

    If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

    If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

    If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

    If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.

    If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And...

    If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

Char Siu Pork in the Crockpot Express or Instant Pot

I was out for a walk and there was a Crockpot Express sitting in front of the apartments with the
"Free To A Good Home" sign on it.

Yoink.  It had never been used.

So while sitting here thinking of what to write about, I realized I had some Pork Loin sitting in the refrigerator begging for attention.

General Instructions for Pork.

That is what you are reading here.  It's a modification of the recipe I had written years ago.  You see, cooking in a CrockPot Express or Instant Pot is really simple.   It has to be wet.  The Spices can be assembled ahead of time.  It loves marinade.  And take the time to Brown or Saute the meat, the extra flavor is why it is worth it!

But it is really all about the time under pressure and how long you leave it for natural release after the cook time is done.

Pork Shoulder recipes were 20 minutes under pressure, 10 minute natural release.

Sear your meat, fat side down until the fat looks cooked with a little oil.  I seared the outside of the entire piece of pork.

Remove the meat, pour in your liquid, and start the recipe.

Marinade  Add to a bowl, whisk until mixed.

• 1/2 cup Hoisin sauce
• 1/2 cup Brandy, Rum, or Whiskey
• 1/4 cup honey
• 1/4 cup low sodium soy sauce
• 2 Tablespoons or 1 Ounce of Dark Sesame Oil
• 2 Tablespoons or 1 Ounce of Hot Sauce.  Sauces such as Thai Chili, Srirarcha, Tabasco... TO TASTE!  This time it was a bit on the hot side for me personally, I'll cut it down by half next time
  
• 2 Tablespoons fresh Ginger - Or 2 Teaspoons powdered Ginger
  
• 2 teaspoons Five Spice Powder
• 2 Tablespoons Onion Powder (NOT salt)
• 2 teaspoons red food coloring - optional

Plus 2-4 pounds of Pork Shoulder or Pork Loin

Process

1. Heat the Crockpot Express on Saute.
2. When the Oil warms to shimmer add your Pork fat side down.
3. Move the Pork around until the fat begins to render and turn translucent.
4. Repeat until the meat begins to brown on each side.
5. Remove the meat and set aside.
6. Turn off the Saute/Brown cycle.
   
7. Add the marinade to the bottom and deglaze the pot.
8. Then add the meat back to the pot turning it so the marinade gets to all sides of the meat.
9. Seal the pot and cook for 20 minutes with at least 10 minutes for Natural Release.  If you are going to shred the meat, you will want to increase the cook time.
   
10. Reduce the sauce that is left in the pot to the desired consistency and serve as needed.
    

Conclusion

Oh yeah that's the ticket!  The pork was tender, moist, and had a great flavor to it.  I reduced the sauce to a Barbecue Sauce/Catsup consistency after removing the pork and put some on the rice and pork I had for lunch.  It was good but was more spicy than I prefer.  Next time I do this, and I most certainly will, I will cut the hot sauce to 1 Tablespoon or less.

Again, since this was Char Siu (Chinese Barbecue) and not Pulled Pork, I served slices on a bed of rice.   If I were to want this to be Pulled Pork, I would increase the cook time to around 30 minutes for starters and see where it is for next time.  As it was this was an incredible meal for me and Rack the McNab SuperDog (TM)!

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by. I kneaded the dough.

 It is Sunday.  Sundays here tend to be Pizza Days, although it does not guarantee that we will have an Italian Specialty.  

Now to have a good pizza you need a good sauce.  The Pizza here in South Florida tends to be kind of flat tasting to me, and coming from Philadelphia area, I know good pizza.  This Sauce recipe is as good as most from Up North and better than most.

On the other hand, I spent a good chunk of the afternoon cooking.  8 pounds of beans are easy in the pressure cooker just like this little old church lady needed to have.  That kid of hers would never have caused this to happen if she had one, he couldn't get in trouble!

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. 

Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
 

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!"