Monday, May 30, 2011

Arrogance and Grandma - Jokes Galore

Velma's been my joke writer for a while, and today's the second day in a row.  

Hey!  It's a Holiday! 

So enjoy and think of me out back by the pool under the Lanai waiting for the Shish-kabobs to be done on the grill.  Yum!  Grab a beer before you head on out.  The Yuengling is in the fridge, and it's ice cold!

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.  The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.  "See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On  any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself you understand ?!!"  The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the  DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer  was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of  his lungs.....(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

 Subject: Grandma Still Drives
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She  writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'  Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'   What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!   I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!   There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.   I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.   He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.   Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.   My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.   I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.   I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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