AntiJokes are the best - Humor?

Since Eric insists that the last post was recycled recently... I present... Anti-Jokes.   I have to admit I really don't get these.  You be the judge.

 AntiJokes are the best

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
I don’t know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
"I have read and agree to the Terms of Service"

How do you make a plumber cry
You kill his family

A guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this."
The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies.
One is used in the sport of bowling, and the other is just a tragic, very saddening sight to see.

Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by.
The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

Why the girl fall off her bike?
Someone threw a fridge at her.

Why did sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms….knock knock. Who’s there? NOT SALLY!

How do you stop a bus?
Throw small children in front of it

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding a worm in your caramel apple, which costs about 35 cents more on average

What do you call a black guy who is legally selling drugs?
A pharmacist

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom of the page.

Four of the Year's Best Comeback Responses - Humor

 Four Of The Year's Best Comeback Responses

NUMBER 1:
 

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.  He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line.
 

NUMBER 2:
Now We Know Why He Was a General –

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
 

NUMBER 3

Dana Perino (FOX News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL.  After discussing all the countries that he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
"Oh, no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

NUMBER 4

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter.  Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: ( ... total silence)

Inertia, or Resistance to Change

Objects in motion tend to stay in motion.
Objects at rest tend to stay at rest.

Newton's First Law of Motion.

Sure, a marble on the table given a nudge will roll but it will also slow down.  The reason is the force applied to it from outside of the "system" of the marble and table.   It's called friction.

That is a basic principle of Physics, but it also applies to life.

Some people are much better with change, they can apply themselves and work through things as if it is water off of a duck's back.  Others are much more conservative and freak out when there's the slightest bit of a wrinkle on that double oxford broad cloth shirt.

Instead of grabbing an iron, those folks will wring their hands and fret.

The point is that while things can be done, they almost always can be done more ways than one.  Toss the shirt out and buy new.  Of course that new one will still need to be ironed, but don't say anything until they get that home from the mall.

There's always a judgment call that has to be made as well.  How much effort needs to be applied to cause the change to happen?  Can we live with the results if we do or don't change things?

If you keep asking questions like that you eventually end up with a tree of yes/no answers and build a process.  Things tend to sort themselves out in order.   If you don't proceed in order you will end up revisiting things later, usually caused by a resistance to change, a rigidity of thought.

Can you take things in one big bite or can you divide and conquer?

All binary questions.  Yes, or No?

That would be the basis for a systemic analysis of a project.   Laying out all the alternatives, in order, and following the path of least resistance.

Oversimplified, but that is the meaning of "basis".

Of course there are shades of grey, but they are usually held back for a later time. Especially if there are 50 of them, and that is a very different story indeed.

Windows XP? Consider Switching to a Different Browser or Upgrading

Still using Windows XP?
Are you using Internet Explorer?

Don't do that.

My friends will laugh and say I have always hated Internet Explorer.  I really do dislike "IE".  I have been steadfastly using Firefox since it was introduced.  Internet Explorer just felt slow and bloated and generally "icky".

I have an XP machine here at the house, and there are people in Corporate environments who still use XP.  It's around 1/3 of the PCs out there at this point and declining.

The problem is that there's a security change coming down the pike that will make Internet Explorer on Windows XP less secure.

The quick solution is to always use a different browser when you can.   I suggest Firefox, but Chrome as well will work.  The security change that you need is in the more modern browsers and Internet Explorer is not being kept up to date by Microsoft on Windows XP.

If you want the long story, you can follow this link to Naked Security.  

Bottom line is it's time to change your browser or upgrade the computer to run Windows 7.

Jingle Bell Dog Repellent - Picture

Sitting in the living room of my small house, my concentration is broken.

Listening to the All Armin Trance Channel softly do battle with the dishwasher's purring in the background, I hear a familiar thump.

A tail hits the plastic of the crate walls in the bedroom as Rack stands up.

Getting back to task, I have an email blast and a Facebook posting to do for my Social Media work.

Giving a passing thought to my puppy in the next room, I get started with the graphics work.   The picture has to be resized, then placed on the server, and merged with some text on the eblast and uploaded to Facebook for a later "time delayed" posting about some local business.

My concentration drifts again.  Armin is asking me to "Please go to A State Of Trance Dot Com" when I hear another noise in the bedroom.

It sounds like the holidays.  Jingle bells in specific.

It also sounds like fear.   The dog makes a flying leap off the bed and charges back into the crate.

GOTCHA!

"Off the bed!" I yell, knowing that he already got off the bed.

This is working for now, but I have a crafty adversary.   The adversary of a lazy dog trying to get comfortable.

For now, the trick of leaving noisy things works.  Rack dislikes noise intensely.  The house is usually a quiet one, the music is rarely too loud since that will get my parrot Oscar giving a screechy accompaniment not out of place in a Bollywood movie.

He must know I'm writing about him, he just laughed once.

There are pillows on the couch.  Two squares, and a Cheeseburger in Paradise.  They serve to Keep The Dog Off Of The Couch.   The bed is a different story.   For now, the bells work. 

The dog needs confidence building and training at every step.  He's a shy dog, and that can be worked with.   Walking him near anything that CAN make a noise means that he's going to be giving it the evil eye and trying hard to pull me away from the noisy item.  That does not work well since I weigh about 5 times more than he does, maybe more.

Hmm, better cut back on the snacks...

Me, not him.

As we walk, he has definite times of the day that he's better.  The crazy-early 5AM walk that happens when he wakes me up too-early is usually the best.  For him, that is, I could use at least another hour sleep at that time of the day.  

The city is asleep, few trucks and buses around to startle him into misbehaving.

Fast forward 12 or so hours later, and the cacophony of city life guarantees his going into fear mode and recoiling at every passing boom car.

I am not convinced he's wrong about that entirely.

But for now, I can work with the fear of noise.  All it takes are a few brass bells on the bed.

That and patience.   We're in it for the long haul.

The Attack of the Monster Lizard of South Florida - Picture

Just when you thought it was safe to return to your kitchen, they have returned. 

The Monster Gecko Lizards will climb your glass.  They will eat pesky bugs like moths and termites.  They will look at you while you make tea and coffee. 

They are coming!

Of course they are coming.  Hurricane Barbara washed itself out over Mexico last week, and the remnants have been parked over top of Key West and spread out through South Florida since then.  All that rain has made for a great environment for strange creatures like gnats and mosquitoes to come out and make whoopie all over the place.   The birds are dining and so are the lizards.

Besides, these lizards are completely harmless.   There's a game among the children to catch a lizard and have them bite their earlobes to have lizard earrings.

Not exactly the nicest thing to do to these shy creatures, and besides, just what do you wear to match  lizard earrings?  Alligator Shoes?  Snakeskin wallet? 

When they come to visit the kitchen, I know my wood will be better off.   A nice meal of bugs and crawly things means less damage to the house.

8 MPH While Standing Still

I knew the sign was there but had forgotten about it.  It was one of the newer Radar signs that towns put up to try to convince people they really don't need to do 45 in a 30 zone. 

Flat as a laptop, orange lights showing apparent speed, and letters spelling out "Your Speed" on the top, it was designed to show your speed in Miles Per Hour.

I remember the older signs that were large enough to be built into a small trailer.  They emit Radar, so if there is a Radar detector in your car, your detector will beep and make you think there's a cop standing around waiting to ticket you.

But this day I wasn't paying attention to the sign as I took my friend and house guest, David, to the Fort Lauderdale airport.  He was leaving to catch the shuttle to go home to Key West.  I, on the other hand, had a rare bit of fun.  I was actually driving the Jeep.

Leaving my own Island City, I crossed over into the 800 pound Gorilla that is Fort Lauderdale.  Immediately people started driving "stupid".  People were back into Pole Position mode, shifting lanes, driving too fast, and generally being nuisances.

I could never be a cop.  I'd spend all my time in court arguing why that idiot needed to pay the ticket for driving 15 miles over the speed limit in his boom car, or some other infraction.  Indeed, I saw four infractions on the first quarter mile before we hit the first light at the convenience store just South of town.

I dropped David off at Arrivals, said goodbye and that we'll look forward to seeing him again in a couple weeks.  Heading back, I thought nothing of the moronic drivers that we have here, entertaining myself by looking at palm trees, playing with the radio, and plotting my course for the 8 mile trip home.

When I crossed into Wilton Manors near City Hall, I saw that sign and it had its effect.   I checked my own speed.  My speedometer is calibrated indirectly. I know that it reads about 10 percent higher than actual speed.   It said I was going 32, the sign said I was going 38, so my actual speed was 29 - by the stopwatch and by my OBD II computer that I had talking to the smartphone.

Laughing at the "accuracy", I thought that it was a conspiracy.   Jeep has the speedometer reading high so you slow down.   The manufacturer of the sign had it reading even higher because these things are put up by cities frustrated by speeders.

Conspiracy?  Isn't that what they all say?

How about the dog walkers then?

It was 5:45AM.  I was walking South on Wilton Drive away from the sign and stopped.   For once, the city was just about empty.  The Green Market was setting up at the park for the Saturday and Sunday fruit and vegetable sales.

The sign said that I was moving at a steady clip.  Since I was actually standing there watching my dog water a shrub, I would disagree with the sign.  I wasn't going 8 MPH.

I shrugged and laughed as I walked down past City Hall, and back North on the North Side of the drive.

That mental sign still said 8MPH.

As I watched, a car approached and passed me.  The sign jumped to 18, then 28 MPH.  Seems like a pattern here. 

Once the sign was passed, the numbers reset to 8 MPH.  Nobody else was anywhere near that sign.  I was once again walking at 8 MPH while standing still.

Something tells me that the new sign isn't quite accurate, and that fits in with my own pet conspiracy theory.

I'll stick to the sidewalks at any rate, there are enough mental drivers out there without my adding to them by driving a Jeep in the "middle of the pack" speed zones.

New Parrot - Humor

New Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $25.00.

"Why so little ?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

Reminiscing - Humor

Reminiscing

A woman wakes in the middle of the night and finds her husband is gone. She looks all over the house and finally finds him sitting in the darkened kitchen, staring at the walls and slowly stirring a cup of coffee. She asks “What’s wrong hon? You look depressed.” and he replies “I was just reminiscing.” She asks “What about?”

He went on to say “Remember when we were young and your dad caught me sneaking out your bedroom window late one night? Then he pulled a gun and said I had to marry you or go to prison?” She says “Yes I do dear.”

He gave out a long, low sigh, looked up at the ceiling and said “I would have been getting out today.”

I am Rack, Who Are You? - Picture

For no other reason than the camera was in reach. 

Rack was slinking around the house.  Looking bored and looking like he wanted attention but wasn't sure how to ask.

After he didn't leave with 5 minutes of petting him, I hooked a finger under his collar.  Bending down to pick him up, I think he was more surprised than anything else.

New things scare the dog, routine is best.

He made it up onto my grey shirt and settled in immediately.  Eventually he did get up, more from my needing to get rid of a glass of Iced Tea than anything else.  A solid hour of him sitting on my lap while I watched some documentary on the TV.

Not bad for a fearful dog who hides when the trash truck drives by.

Next time I'll try an Animal Documentary.  Dogs do like to watch other dogs and other animals on TV.  The last time I watched a bit of fluff about dogs, the house was quiet.  Since he was being curious and there were no distractions, he walked over to the screen and sat down in front of it.  The dogs were running around a street being trained, and it looked like he was wanting to join them.

Our very own little black and white puzzle.