What do you call a car dealership owned by a former coroner? Rigor Motors

 Ok, weirdly that is completely appropriate for me.  Got my parts in for the Jeep and it's time to replace some rotten rubber hoses. 

But First!

Yes, it's a wee bit long but a great story!



A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "
Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what would you say?"

How to Humanely Catch a Lizard or Spider - Or Not Now, I'm Too Busy For This

I have had a very packed morning.  Full of appointments, visits, and dog walks.

By the time I got back I was thinking that it's not going to be an easy one and I just needed to get on my way.

So why does this sort of thing happen just before it's time to leave?

Nature is having way too much fun today.  I ended up with a wee little lizard in the house.

These little things are about as long as your finger, and this one was no exception.  It also was one of the night time lizards which meant it shouldn't be stuck to the inside of my screen on the window. 

By stuck, I mean with wee little Gecko feet, but you get the idea.  No glue was involved.

I keep a couple of these cylinders around.  They get swapped out for new when I can find one.  In this case it is a repurposing of a mailer that my light blue cycle jersey came packaged in.

Gently open the window by sliding it to the left.  Shield the critter with the stripe of the window frame so it is less stressed out.  Cover the lizard with the cylinder - really any large glass would work but these plastic packing "waste" cylinders are much lighter.  Then slide a piece of a junk mailer under the lizard.  Close the window, walk the creature outside.

Except it liked being with me and jumped onto my hand instead of the Croton growing in the garden.  

A quick shake and it's gone back to it's lizardy life where lots of tasty insects live.

Bye little Lizard, we hardly knew ye.

I just finished "Podiatrist Simulator" on the highest difficulty level... let me tell you That was no easy feat.

Yesterday, I was riding around in circles on this island on the bike.  Today, it's walking in circles.  Not a whole lot changes I guess.




One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. 

As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years." 

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"

What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world? Exaggeration.

 I come back from a workout demanding a large breakfast.  Of course I make it myself, the demands are my own needs and not to someone else.  I have a habit of making French Toast after a long cardio workout, have since I was competing on a team in college so long ago.  But the stuff is really an excuse for making bread pudding for a meal.

And that's nice on its own.   Bread soaked in Egg Custard and pan fried until crispy on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside.  Served coated with Mango Jelly.  What's not to like?







A woman works in the Editorial Office of a newspaper and brings in a large, fresh loaf of bread. She puts it in the break room, where eight or so "old boys" are sitting around drinking coffee. She says, "My husband is learning to bake and made this bread, but he made a mistake--"

But at that precise moment, her mobile rings and she steps out to take a call. One of the men suggests that they try the bread to determine the mistake, and the competition is on: Each grabs a slice and begins carefully eating a bite.

After a few moments, the art critic is sure that he's used the wrong grade of flour and begins explaining to everyone who will listen about how a 1050 grade will produce a darker white bread, obviously what has happened here.

The movie critic is absolutely certain that her husband added too much flour during kneading, which, as he slowly describes, stimulates gluten formation and results in a dense, stodgy bread that hasn't risen as much as desired.

The Chief chimes in, explaining how this kind of bread needed more steam during baking, wasn't sliced with a serrated bread knife, and points out that this bread could have done better in a seasoned aluminum tin.

The food critic, who has been silent this whole time, finally spells out his dismay, chiding the scoring shape and lack of originality in presenting such a plain loaf. Such a blunder is a clear sign of a novice and the critic is sure her boyfriend will not amount to much of a baker.

The woman, long since done with her call and standing in awe of how long this discussion has gone on, blurts out:

"He made too much."

This is why I grow flowers all year around. Rack's Butterfly Pays A Visit

Rack, It's over 90 Degrees out there do we really have to go outside?

In and out, In and out, that's what being an older dog is all about. 

We've had you for almost 13 years now.  I can tell when I change your food, I'm going to be out of the rocking chair more often.  You had your lunch, I've given you your treat ball, and I have barely finished my Pork Sandwich and Baked Potatoes.

It's hot outside.   Summer here in South Florida generally lasts 11 months out of the year.  The yard looks like a photo that is over exposed.  I tell myself that when I look at a video from Britain and everything looks dark.  "Must be August".

The Laundry is demanding attention, how about waiting a little bit longer?

I take my clean clothes from the dryer, toss them on the bed.  As I reach for the hangers to air dry the T Shirts in the Air Conditioning draft, you're staring holes in me from the door way.

Hmm, you must really need the tree.

I turn.  Spotting an iguana cropping the grass I remember the state wildlife commission saying "Always "disturb" Iguanas where ever possible."

Come on, Rack, let's go annoy some Iguanas.

He runs to the back door.

I walk outside and realize the Iguana has gone where ever those nasties go when they aren't blending in with the turf and undermining it.  "If I wanted something in the yard cropping the grass, I'd have sheep." I mutter as I round the corner.

Spotting the flowers in the pot I think "This is why I grow Zinnia".  A mostly orange butterfly is feeding on a pink flower.  Flapping its wings gently I manage to get off some pictures and not disturb the little beauty.

Yes, this is why I grow flowers all year around.

Why did the girl break off with the frostbitten mountain climber? She was lack-toes intolerant.

 I know someone who calls it exactly that.  I get a wry smile when I hear it because I know that I awakened the Dad Joke Gene in him and he's doing it for my benefit.

Repeat after me:  Lack Toes Intolerant...



Rumor got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill..

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.
"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wolf was found dead on the forest floor.

The fox came later that day to confront the bear.

"Bear," she said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"
"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" she asked.
"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, fox's mangled remains were found lying on the forest floor.

That day the rabbit, too, decided to confront the bear.
"Bear," he said. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.
"And... Is my name on it?" asked the rabbit.

"It is." the bear growled.
"Can - can you remove it?"

"Oh, for sure."




And finally since this is a bit short to stand on its own, remember Resumes say anything you want them to.  And usually do.


The interviewer said "Your resume says you take things too literally."
I said, "When the hell did my resume learn to talk?"

I joined a cooking group that pledges to keep our Mexican sauce recipe a secret. We have a Mole in the organization.

That would be a "Molé" right?

And since today is a day for some weirdness, being the weekend and all, here's a two-fer for you!


 

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" asked the sheriff.

"Over there", replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.

"You buried them?" asked the sheriff, "Are you sure they were dead?"

Replied the farmer, "They said they weren't, but you know how those people lie."



And since that one was so old...





I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night

She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?"
I said, "Nah, that's not necessary."

She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home."
I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."

Silencing your bike's disc brake in about 15 minutes. Basic Bicycle Maintenance.

Yes, I am wordy.  This needs either a video which there are plenty of them on youtube, or a lot of words.  I do words...

The time to do this is after you got caught out in the rain, or you are trucking your bike out to where you want to ride.  The bike now sounds like a screaming baby or a goat or some other animal.  Time to fix that!

If you followed the post on how to lube the wheel hubs on your bike, you probably have done exactly what I did.  Basically, I have a heavy hand when it comes to oiling things, so as you rode, your oil spun out of the hub and got on the brake disc.  Now your brake pads are "contaminated" with oil and stopping is more a matter of just how much grip strength you have in your hands rather than in the braking system on your bike.

Old school caliper brakes would most likely not be effected.

The overview is simple, braking surfaces have to be clean and free of grease, grit, and oils.  If there is oil, you slide.  That's why we use the stuff. 

To clean your braking system, there are steps and you can do it in your own home.  It takes me about 15 minutes once I have everything assembled.

Remember that anything you remove from the bike will be put back on the bike or you will need new replacements for future use.  Since most of these items are specialized, make sure they don't roll "under the couch" and are guarded for later.

First, get your equipment.

• Rubbing Alcohol or Acetone (Remember perform this with adequate ventilation!)
  
• Paper towels
• Pliers
• Optional light strength thread locker (Permatex Blue)
  
• Sand Paper (I used 100 grit or "Medium" but a 200 or 320 grit might be better)
  
• Sanding block or flat work surface to sand on
• Towels or Cardboard sheet to protect the floors
• 5mm Allen Wrench
  

Second, Lay the bike on its side on the floor.  Brake Disc side (left side) up.  You can do this on a bike stand if you have one, but I have found that it is just easier to do this with the bike on its side so the brake mechanism can rest on the spokes while you work instead of it dangling in the air.

Third, Locate the two Allen bolts that hold the brake mechanism to the frame/fork of the bike.  Use the 5mm Allen Wrench to remove the bolts from the bike and set them aside.  When removed, your brake mechanism should gently pull from the mount and the bike.  Note: if you are experienced at performing this work, and you have clearance on your bike, you may be able to get away with not removing the brake caliper from the bike.  I can't, you might.  Consider your situation first.

Fourth, using your Pliers, Bend back the end of the cotter pin so that it is straight.  If you

shear that end of the pin, you will need to make a trip to the hardware store to buy another one so be aware that it is possible to snap off the end, and that would be bad, mmmkay?  It will push back out of the mechanism, easily.  Set your pin aside with the bolts that held the mechanism to the bike.

Fifth, remove the brake shoes and the spring that holds them together and in place.  My own mechanism slid out of the brake mechanism easily.  Set the mechanism down so that it does not get damaged.

Sixth, using your Rubbing Alcohol or Acetone, clean the brake disc and the brake pads.  The disc and the brake pads must be free of oil and dirt when you complete these steps, and that includes the oil and dirt on your fingers. 

Seventh, cleaning the pads will leave some Rubbing Alcohol or Acetone on them.  This

will soften the old pads and the dirt.  Using the sandpaper and sanding block or flat work surface, sand the dirt and grime from the old pads.  I used 50 strokes per pad.  Clean both pads with Rubbing Alcohol or Acetone to remove the remaining dirt and create a smooth braking surface.

Reassembly:

First, clean everything again.  Brake ring should be shiny and clean.  Brake pads should be clear of dust, grease, and grit.  No grit on anything, you will pick enough of that up on your nest workout, I am sure

Second, Make a Brake Pad Sandwich.  Best way to describe it.  Without touching the actual pads, the brakes are assembled to be put in the brake mechanism.  Pad, Spring, Pad.  Squeeze them together gently but firmly so the sandwich can be inserted into the mechanism.

Third, insert the Brake Pad Sandwich into the Brake Mechanism.  The holes in the two pads and spring must line up.  They are to be inserted into the mechanism with the holes lining up with those in the mechanism where you removed your cotter pin.

Fourth, Lock everything in place with the cotter pin.  The cotter pin should be lined up with the loop on the wheel spoke side of the brake mechanism.  Slide it in to the hole so that it extends out on the outside of the brake mechanism.  Everything must fit in easily, it will not take a lot of force.  Bend the end of the cotter pin in place.  The cotter pin will be mobile and able to turn.

Fifth, mount the brake mechanism back onto the wheel over the brake disc.  I do this by putting it on top of the mount and inserting the Allen Bolt into the screw holes then finger tightening the Bolts down.

Sixth, you are effectively done at this point but you do need to align your brakes.  Find the sight corridor within the brake mechanism.  The disc should be as close to evenly placed within that gap as possible.  When you spin that wheel, make sure that the brake does not engage at any point within the travel of the wheel.  If you are at that point, then you will tighten the Allen Bolts down using the 5mm Allen Wrench.  Test the wheel again to make certain you are not rubbing.

Finally, when you are out and riding your bike, you should break in or "bed" the brakes by GENTLY applying then releasing them.  Enough to stop your travel from about 6-12 MPH (10-20KPH) gently but firmly.  Everything should work "as it should".  If you are rubbing, then align the wheel to fit the brakes and repeat the alignment procedure as needed.

If that Goat has not been banished to the barnyard, or it's still squealing like Screaming Baby Airlines, repeat the process.

Remember, any noise and you're losing speed.  Take the time to align the wheels within the brakes so they may spin as freely as possible.

Yeah, it's a lot of words.  Get to work, it's not as hard as all this text.  I'll shaddap!

For cracking gags like that you should be in court. I hope you have a good barista…

 Topic courtesy of Em.  I think she knows me well, I'm just finishing my first tankard of half caff. 

Guatemalan Huehuetenango Decaf plus Ethiopian Yirgacheffe both freshly roasted last week to "first crack"


So, while I listen to the dryer spin my dog's bed around making a rattling sound, how about a triple play? 






A pelican walks into a bar
The pelican sits down at the bar and the bartender says "what'll it be?"
The pelican says, "I'll have your recommended IPA."

The bartender pours him his drink, the pelican socializes with others in the bar, and as thirty minutes passes, he finished his drink and the bartender says to him, "that'll be $5..25 Are you paying cash or credit?"
The pelican hands him a 50 and says to him "Sorry for the big bill."



My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”  
Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.



Two female friends are in a bar and one of them says to another:
"See those two crazy old ladies laughing? In 20 years we'll be like them!"
The friend replies: "You can't drink that much Mary! That's a mirror! "

In the beverage battle tea should have it in the bag , but coffee is likely to grind down the opposition.

Title, courtesy of Loyal Reader "Em"!

As I sip my own coffee after a 21 mile bike ride.  All over the city and through the park.  Yes, the bunnies are still on Jenada Isle.  I was out there just before Sunrise and they didn't seem to mind.  I didn't see any more over at Mills Pond Park in Fort Lauderdale but I was too busy avoiding the people coming in for their tournament.

I would prefer to inline skate but I have to say seeing the town on a bike on a Saturday Sunrise Workout is a nice consolation prize.



"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include The Nun's Priest's Tale"
"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "The Nun's Priest's Tale is lascivious, licentious, and utterly improper, especially for people your age. Now please open your copies to the General Prologue, and we will begin with that."
Next lesson, the teacher said, "Please open your 'Canterbury Tales' to The Nun's Priest's Tale, which I am assuming you have all read by now...?"