Why does the Swedish military put barcodes on the bottom of their warships? So they can Scandinavian.

I know a few people who are "affected" by London and the Tube.  These trainspotters are forever telling us Normies minutia about this station or that line that ... we will never experience.

 

So it is for them, and in this spirit, I give you a list of announcements that are purported to have been made on the Tube.  Fix yourself a Gin and Tonic, it shall be a bumpy ride.

 

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

    "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

    "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

    "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

    "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

    "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

    During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

    "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

    "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

    "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

    "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

    "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

    "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

    "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

A Five AM Dragonfly Visitor Shows Gold

 Getting up before dawn, ok, lets call it two hours before dawn, can have benefits.

In this case I was surprised by a visitor.

Our home remodeling project is creaking to a close.  We've finally been able to re-camp in our house after being out of it for four months.  

I really don't ever want to do that again.  I am planning on never leaving so we've completely redone the floors, bathroom, and the kitchen.  

It. Was. Dentistry. Without. Novacaine.

Enough naval gazing and moaning.

It was the first morning I woke up in my own bed.  I also realized that I had to look into what Oscar the Parrot was doing across the street.  He needed food and a little attention I am sure.

So I gathered up Rack The McNab SuperDog (TM) and padded out into the morning dark.  It's been beautiful lately and I truly believe that the hurricane season will have left us unscathed.  We seem to be falling into a lull and the water temperature of the Gulf Stream off Miami is 82F/27.9C.  Once it falls below 26C/78.8, hurricanes can not form.

We have a little bit to go yet.

All this was going through my mind as the breezes off the nearby ocean were caressing my skin that predawn when I rounded the corner past my Jeep.

When I reached for the latch on the gate, I spotted a jewel.   I had to just stop and stare.  The little jewel was a Dragonfly.  I've spoken about these insects before, they're beautiful and entertaining to watch when they're going about their business eating mosquitoes and allowing me to wear shorts outside.

I am that person.  When I am in a crowd you will be safe.  The mosquitoes will be dining on my blood, and not yours.

I noticed that this particular dragonfly was utterly beautiful.  Perched under a low voltage light on the wall, my eye caught the iridescence of its wings.  Shimmering in gold, against the brown background I had to stop and take it in.

So even at 5AM, there can be beauty to be found.

What's a bread's favorite shoes? Loafers.

 
Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! 

Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir. Why?"

Without an answer, the manager took out his wallet and took out 2500 dollars in cash and gave it to the young man (as a termination of service).

Then he said, "I pay people here to work, not to stand around. Now this is your monthly salary in advance. Get out and don't come back and I don't want a discussion!!"

The young man was expelled from the factory

The manager looked at the rest of the workers and said in a threatening tone,

"This applies to everyone in this company , whoever does not work, we immediately terminate his contract."

One of the employees approached the manager and asked him:

"Do you know who the guy you fired?"

The manager replied, "No."

"He does not work here, sir. He's a pizza delivery man."

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

Ok, so it's a twofer.  I think I posted a variation of the first one here a while ago and I get a great smile out of tweaking "Officious" people.  "Those who know me knows it's so" .

The second I should probably have saved for Sunday but hey the more the merrier!


DEA Officer at my farm

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
 

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.” 

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!”
 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face.
 

“See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
 

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores.
 

A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull….
 

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
 

The officer was clearly terrified.
 

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

 

 

There was a man lost his favorite hat.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened to the entire sermon.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway. The man shook the preacher's hand, and said, "I want to thank you for saving me today. I came to church to steal a hat and ended up listening to your sermon on the 10 Commandments."

The preacher replied, "You mean the commandment 'Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?"

The man shook his head and said, "No. The one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my hat!"

Owl Be Seeing You Later!

When I have a neighbor move in and start talking about things to watch out for here in South Florida, I usually tell them that "you live closer to wildlife here than in most places".

I'm in the tenth largest metropolis in Los Estados Unidenses.  It's 120 miles North to South, about 12-15 miles East to West.   Technically I'm on an island.  Actually a river splits to the West and this part of the city is bounded by water.  

So we live in a very lush tropical forest and that means that it's prime habitat for Wildlife.

In fact, it really never got settled until the advent of affordable air conditioning, and I will say I have used the AC every single month of the year.  It never freezes here.  34F was as cold as I have seen it since I moved here in 2006.  One Degree Celsius.

I could probably grow Durian fruit if I really wanted a challenge.  I know they grow Cacao and Durian at Fairchild Gardens just south of Miami's downtown.  I have a neighbor who grows a coffee tree and roasted enough beans for about a cup.  I should find out how it turned out!

I've seen on my own property many kinds of frogs, snakes, butterflies, and canines.  Many more species of introduced animals which I have waxed poetic about before.  If I shine a flashlight down a corridor at night, those eyes looking back at me could easily be a raccoon or a coyote.

I don't know why I was surprised when I was texted a picture of an Owl.  I have only seen one once before.  This makes my second.  It's welcome.  During the day, it's perch is used by Blue Jays, Orioles, and Parrots.  It should find plenty of small rodents and lizards to dine on.  

I really am surprised more that it allowed me to get close enough to take a series of four pictures with flash after someone had sent me his but here we are.

What could be the favorite pizza of a dog? Pupper-runi pizza.

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you the work contract and terms.

The unemployed man replied that he had no e-mail and no computer at home.

The manager replied, "You do not have a computer, which means that you are not present, and if you are not present, it means that you cannot work for us."

The unemployed man came out upset after the doors were closed in his face and he was rejected.

And on his way, he bought with all he had, 10 dollars, 10 kilograms of strawberries, and started knocking on the doors to sell them.

At the end of the day the man earned $20.

After this the man realized that the process is not difficult.

The next day, he started repeating the process 3 times, and after a while the man began to go out early in the morning to buy four times the amount of strawberries.

The man's income began to increase until the man was able to buy a bicycle.

After a period of time and hard work, the man was able to buy a truck until the man owned a small business selling strawberries.

Five years later, the man became the owner of the largest food store.

The man began to think about the future until he decided to insure the company with the largest insurance companies.

In an interview with the insurance company employee, the employee said I agree

But I need your email to send you the insurance contract.

The man replied that he did not have an e-mail and he did not even have a computer.

The insurance employee replied surprisingly, I established the largest food company in five years, and you do not have an email, what would happen if you had an email!!

The man replied to him If I had an email five years ago, I would now be cleaning toilets in a company!!

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth man ducks.

I have been doing a lot of walking lately.  May as well, with the headphones and the internet radio, a flat terrain, and an easy way to burn about 150 calories a mile.  Then again it's not always the best way to get somewhere.

 

A Bridge Too Far

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust every natural resource I have made. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Cherry Headed Amazon Parrots in Florida? Yeah, we've got that too.

The day I went to see what would be my house for the last fifteen years, I had a visitor.

I looked through the house to the backyard to the Bougainvillea arbor.  I have managed to keep that alive, and trimmed and I still look at it as a bit of contemplative beauty.  Even with all the thorns, the flowers will draw the eye.

I did make it to the yard and get to see it first hand.  Walking past it to the back of the yard, I heard some unaccustomed chattering.  

I looked up and spotted a cherry headed amazon parrot.  I chattered back at it "Meh Meh Meh MEH!".   We held a conversation for a short while.  

It must have been a good omen.  I look at the wires when I am back there looking for the parrots and sometimes I spot one. 

Truth be told, the yard is chock full of wildlife, some of it belongs, much of it is carelessly introduced.

I've spotted more of the parrots, many other species of birds some of which are just passing through on their vacation here over winter.

I've seen Green Iguanas, way too destructive to be welcome, as large as six feet.  Dinosaurs really, eating away at the plants and shorting out the power lines with an electrical pop.

I've been told that there are Pythons and Boa Constrictors back there as well but I have not spotted them.  The Black Racer snakes are quite enough, thank you.

And I've seen these exotics on my many walks around town.  I've transitioned away from my normal inline skating workouts while the lab rats are filling up the ERs lately, so I am walking all over town.

This morning on the wires the flock had arrived.  Behind Hagen Park in Wilton Manors, there was a flock of Cherry Heads up there making a racket.  I have been told that this is a small flock and in other parts of Fort Lauderdale there are flocks that are five times or more individuals there.  I do know that this particular flock shuttles between the High School and the Park dining on choice fruits growing on the trees.

I guess you just never know what you will see if you look for it.  As for the Parrots, they're pretty common here.  If I don't hear them I am surprised.  You get to expect them while out with the dog in town.

How did the cat win the Boston Marathon? He was a cheatah.

 Perfect thing for a Sunday Morning - making fun of a missionary who should have done better to have left the "natives" alone and getting things a bit wrong.


A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds: "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them!

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied: "My bike."

Is it hard to spot a leopard? No. They come that way.

 
Three-Fer!

Two friends are hunting in a forest when one of them suddenly just collapses.
He isn't responsive and his eyes are glazed over.
His friend panics and calls the police.
The operator asks what the emergency is and the guy says "I was hunting with my friend when he suddenly fell over.
He isn't making any noise and his eyes are glazed over! I think he's dead!"
The operator tells the man "Before you do anything else, I want you to make sure your friend is dead."
The operator hears silence for a couple of seconds before hearing a gunshot.
After that, she hears the man come back and he says "Okay, now what?"

And ...

Every day the father would give his son what he called advice as he was leaving the house for work, "Beetroota" and would give him a beetroot to take, for good luck.

The son never liked beetroot. But his father would insist every time. He had said this many times, but every time his father would say it to him as he was leaving the house. He never ate the beetroot. And how many times, he thought, did he have to tell him it was a "beetroot" not a "beetroota".

One day the son returned from work more frustrated than normal and had had enough. He presented his father with a beetroot. "There! Beetroota yourself, Pa."

Smiling, he said "Good advice, son."



And a bonus….



A woman takes her religious husband to the doctor.

During the visit, the husband says to the doctor "my eyesight is going, so I'm grateful that God is so helpful. When I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, God turns the light on when I enter and off when I leave."

Afterward, the doctor tells the woman about this and expresses concern.

"Thank God," the woman exclaims.

The doctor is confused. "You mean you believe that this is God helping your husband?"

"No, of course not," says the woman. "I thought I was losing my sense of taste, but it turns out it was just the apple juice."