What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.

I think this is one of those situations where you just don't ask many questions.  Wouldn't you agree?

 

 
He Does What???

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. 

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. 

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”

The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.

You know, some day I may actually put drapes on my master bedroom windows.  For now, I'll trust that the plants will protect me from prying eyes!

 

Karen was furious!

She will chew someone's had off.

Karen: This is outrageous. I need speak to whoever in charge of this flight.

Air Hostess: What seems to be the problem, mam?

Karen: Who designed the interior of ths plane? Surely some guy, because his work shows the lack of decency only a guy could lack.

Air Hostess: Calm down mam! Please tell me what is bothering you!

Karen: THERE IS NO BLINDS IN THE LAVATORY! I AM TOTALLY EXPOSED IN THERE! How can I finish my business if I have to constantly worry about someone peeking from outside!

Air Hostess: Mam! If a guy is strong enough to cling on to the plane's Wings at 35000 feet above ground, he deserves to see everything!

Is A Sport Watch Strictly Necessary or Will A Heart Rate Monitor and a Phone Work For You

I have four sports that I am involved in, none of them involve going underwater or climbing into the atmosphere.  If you do any of that, you're not going to be able to use this dodge.

Since I am a ground pounder, or more likely someone who is on wheels, when I workout, I have different needs than those who isn't.  Living in South Florida, there are plenty of opportunities to go out and swim.  Pools, the Ocean, the reefs.

I never really found all that attractive so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

When I moved out of the house as a teen, I needed to shed weight.  I got into nutrition, weight lifted, walked miles, and begun running.  By the time I graduated college, I had dropped 75 pounds, and got light enough to begin distance running.

Back then the only thing I really needed to know is how far I would run.  I was not a racer, I had not been timed since I was a child in Elementary School.  

Moving to be near my job, I found I could run at Valley Forge National Park in suburban Philadelphia PA.  The workouts got longer, I needed some entertainment.  I brought a pocket shortwave radio and was able to listen to the BBC.  Yes, I was running on the encampments of the Revolutionary War listening to the British Broadcasting Corporation.   The irony was not lost on me.

But run I did.  One lap was 10Km.  I would do that 10K three times a week.  The shortwave was joined with a bottle or two of water.

Later I got into Biking and then Inline Skating.  I could judge how I was progressing by using distance but my speed was variable.  So I had a watch.  The trails were always marked and I could get a rough speed by the old standby distance over time.

But how hard was I pushing myself.  That was when I got into the whole sport watch thing.  I had an old Polar that was enough.  A Stopwatch and Heart Rate Strap and I was golden.  I could watch things change as I was rolling or running along.

After a sprint around the park, check the average heart rate (183) and the peak (204) and yes, I was pushing myself hard. 

I've always been told that I workout at at 12 on the 10 point scale.

But the needs change.

It turns out that I could get money back from my health insurance if I report back regularly. 

What I needed was a heart rate monitor that talked to the phone at the very least.   I started looking around for something "Bluetooth".  There are a lot of heart rate watches that do calorie count estimates based on the magic of Math, but were they accurate?

There was also a strap that fit around the chest and reported back to the phone via Bluetooth that was a good fit.  I had a generic heart rate monitor that I found for $30 and connecting with some of the software suites out there for exercise like Strava and Runkeeper, I would report back to the health insurance company and get a few pennies a day.  Strava to share workouts with family, Runkeeper to tell me what I was doing at this minute through the headphones.

That is now around $10 a week.  I paid off that heart rate strap and wondered whether the watches would work.

I'm not convinced that they do.

The watches will talk back to their own software that will talk to the phone and report back to the insurance company.   Since I listen to music while working out, I have to have something, and there's just so much more music out there on streams than you can ever hope to listen to, the phone is already coming with me.

A Watch is just more hardware to cart along.

Runkeeper is even telling me what my pace, heart rate, distance and other statistics are through the headphones.   Either software will give me instantaneous distance/speed/location.  I get a map that is accurate to within feet using GPS. 

So what did I learn about the watches?

I inline skate.  Rollerblade.  My last workout was a 15 mile "half marathon".  Roll for 45-50 minutes, water stop, rest, and repeat.  Out in the Florida Winter, it was cool but not cold.  75F/23C or so. 

Why is that important?  The sensors on a watch use light pulses through the skin to report back to the watch.   Having used a watch that used that technology, I'm thinking that for anyone in a workout that gets sweaty or wet, it is pointless to use that technology.

Sure, it is getting "Better" but that heart rate strap that is around my chest is spot on perfect.  The watches won't even read my heart rate correctly if I am sitting in a chair watching the television at night.  The chest strap is doing some magic running some electronics through your chest.  It requires sweat to keep contact with your body so it's strength is the weakness of those $30 to $900 watches that use LEDs to scan your wrist.

I know the various watches were not accurate because I was taking my pulse manually at the time and watching the various watches get it wrong.

So for now, looking for a deal on one of the high end watches online is a hobby and I'll stay where I am.  If the runner who is down the street ever decides he wants to shed some of them, I'll give it a try but my cheap cobbled together solution of free phone software and a $30 Bluetooth strap simply works.

If I ever need a diver's watch, I have an old school automatic mechanical Seiko on my wrist that is Buy It For Life quality that will do for dive timing.  Climbing a mountain?  Different story, I'll climb that hill when I come to it, and do so in low gear.

I wonder if my adult nephew will want it when I am gone?  It's a damn good watch even if I bought it in 2003 and the red on the timing ring is faded from the pool in the back yard!

What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Time to get a new clock.

 
A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week because of the intermittent buzzing.

The doctor asks if he has experienced any neurological symptoms, such as headaches or hallucinations.

The man says no, although he has been extremely fatigued, even considering the loss of sleep, and has frequently felt lightheaded and had chest pains. Twice, he has had dizzy spells and almost fallen down stairs.

The man finally stammers that his mucus and earwax has begun to taste sweeter, and become more viscous. He inquires as to whether this might indicate diabetes.

The doctor gives the patient a grave look and asks where he lives.

The man tells him.

The doctor's face falls. He takes a deep breath and begins to inform the man that he lives within a few miles of a secret government research facility. Until a few months ago, the facility had been conducting a project attempting to genetically engineer super-intelligent bees, and train them into soldiers.

The project had backfired. The bees had learned well from the military, but they had no desire to fight in human wars. Instead, they had applied the medical knowledge taught to them so as to refine a technique for turning the human body into a living hive.

The patient listens in horror as the doctor explains to him how the bees have colonized his chest cavity. How even now they are growing fungi and tending microscopic arthropod livestock in the man's vital organs.

Trembling, the man asks how long he has.

"A couple weeks, maybe three", says the doctor. "Although the last few days will be sheer agony. The bees do a remarkable job of keeping their hosts alive, but eventually they take their tolls and move on."

The man returns home. Not knowing what to do, he lights a cigarette and smokes it on his apartment balcony while listening to the bees' faint chorus.

About halfway through the cigarette, his girlfriend calls. They had been on a break, but she says she's thought long and hard, and come to the conclusion that he's the man she wants to spend her life with. In tears, she asks if there's anything on this Earth that could stop them from growing old together.

After a long pause, the man sobs,

"Oh, bees till my beating heart!"

Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other? Dill with it.

After having seen many videos on social media of people deciding that they wanted all the halloween candy left in a bowl on porches... I have decided that you people, in general, need to be a bit less grabby. 

After all, this old couple knows when to share!

 

 Sharing is caring...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. They were thinking, 'That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man politely declined, saying they were just fine, and were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered: 'The teeth"

Inline Skating Once Around The World With Only 2200 Miles To Go

22,711 miles.

36,550 kilometers.

Give or take a bit.  Plus or minus a few.

Since 1993 I have been on inline skates, every year.  The distance adds up.

I call myself an endurance athlete.  Left foot, right foot, eventually you get there.

I started out with some basic plastic boots from Rollerblade and did a mile.  Barely.  

You see, my knees were damaged from too many different sports.  Running, biking, a little football, a little of a lot of other things.  The years took their toll.

There were the car accident, the motorcycle accident, and the subsequent recuperations.

I was the asthmatic kid who was picked last for any sport.  It turned out that I had an allergy to milk as a child and it took a random suggestion that I get off any and all dairy for a cleanse.   

If your child has asthma or allergies, try it.  It worked for me.  It broke my seasonal allergies so quickly that August each year I'd get off dairy and by September when the pollution and pollen of Pennsylvania hit, I'd sail through it with absolutely no hay fever.

The year before I would be on these weird little 12 hour pills that would kill the allergies but made me an irritable sleepy mess.  Chlortrimeton I believe.

So you get the picture.

I took to the sport like a fish to water.  Inline Skating is non contact, if you don't fall.  It is cardio at your own pace.  Just watch the pavement.

I got into it at the beginning of the boom of the 90s.  In 1993, it was massive in Philadelphia, through the 90s and into the 2000s.  Stuff the doubters, It's Fun!

Going to Fairmount Park, you know, the Rocky Steps, I'd start doing a lap.  I was proud of that 8.6 miles.  

Always counting distance from day one.  I'd even out the workout to a round number and add up, finish at an even mile.

I made friends with The Team there, and while that was too organized for my soul, I talked techniques and equipment.

Tom said that a minimum regular workout was a minimum of two laps of the park.  So immediately I did two laps.  

Hmmm... I can do this.  

Distance grew.  I got to where I was doing hyper marathons three times a week.  100 miles a week (162km) from Philadelphia to Valley Forge.  With a nod to Washington's Troops, I'd go out to the Perkiomen Creek bridge and have a stop.  Then back and forth and to the car at the Philadelphia line.

Never took a vacation without my inline skates and that black bag.  

Long workouts are not so much a battle against your body but Logistics.  I knew that I would take a leisurely three hours to do my 33 miles with rest stops.  If that cloud west of me does not hit, I can squeeze in a skate and get back before dark.

April to October I had a runner's high.  Seriously.  All summer.

One year I did 200 miles in one week skating every day at Fairmount Park.  So much that the park workers asked me what I was doing.  The peak day was 54 miles one Sunday Morning.

One of those vacations, I loaded up the Jeep and drove to Key West and skated once around the island.  In February.

Made it up to Ft Lauderdale and skated there.

I got back to my dreary February life in frigid Philly and vowed to get out when I could.  Oh sure, I had a nice life on top of a hill when I could get out but the winters killed me.

Eventually I left the incompetence of my job's management for Florida and reestablished things here but the skates priorities lagged.  

Now I am back.  As long as Covid and the world stay out of my way, I will be able to reach a goal I have been playing with.

Once around the world at the equator.  That is 24,901 miles.  40,075 km.  Give or take.  The world bulges and shifts.   

I am only 2200 miles away.  If I had the longer trails of the North, I could easily have that done

by this time next year.  

Life has changed priorities.  I still see the workout as Logistics.  Bring this much ice water.  Snacks for when you burn through your starting blood sugar.  Make sure that the right kind of music is on the player.  Get the heart rate monitor, and start the software on the phone.  There is a rain cloud over The Bahamas, will it hit Pompano Beach before I can finish?  

That last one is a beast.  If I get so much as a sheen of water on the trails, it will get pulled up into the bearings of my skates and rust them out in five minutes.  

I used to be sponsored, I'm not any more.   There isn't really a lot of sponsorship in the sport, especially for endurance skaters.  I have to protect the equipment.  Parts are not exactly easy to get.  I can't roll into a store on South Street and say "Hey, I need a pair of 80MM push wheels!"

So I'm Back.  I'm now skating in Pompano Beach, carving loops in the pavement around the Goodyear Blimp.  The regulars know me as that big guy who skates.  We're still out there.

With 2200 miles to go, I'll be out there again.

Crossing that magic number is merely a mental goal.  But it is a light glowing for me.  Once I pass that number there won't be a celebration other than in my own mind.  I sincerely doubt there will be anyone else who will ever say "wanna, get a sandwich or something".  Well, not completely true.  When I stop Runkeeper, the voice says exactly that.

But I will know.  That formerly asthmatic kid who could not run the 440 yard dash just skated once around the world. 

So what is all this about?  Stuff your doubters into the trash, you can do this.  Set your mind to it, and set realistic goals.  Push yourself.  Besides, that cardio rush of a runner's high is a nice healthy way to be, as long as your body will allow.  

And if you hear that I "went" sitting on a bench in the middle of a workout?  Hey I "went" doing what I love.

Wanna Skate?

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Answer = Thunderwear.

So I finished my Spanish for the day on Duolingo, and it is just about time to get out and have the morning 2 mile march around town.  There was a story about a lady that called a broken arm in a plane crash being not a big thing.  I think she's lost her mind.  But this story fits well with what follows, right?

And since it's a bit short, I have a two fer for you in that same vein!

  Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like 'can't wait!' 'can't wait!' and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year old?"

"Nah, she was a grown woman, in her thirties at least!"

"Oh, she must've been on drugs."

"That's what security thought too, so they got her tested."

"What was she taking?"

"Nothing apparently! Turns out she was just plane crazy!"

 

And ...

 

 

A man goes to the Doctor,

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday, and so on like that.“ Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and sees the patient’s wife.

“Hello Mrs Murphy“ He says “And how is your husband?“ “ he died of a heart attack,“ says Mrs Murphy. “I am very sorry to hear that,”Says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be alright.“

“All the tablets were fine“ says Mrs Murphy “It was all the skipping that killed him!“
 

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? Answer = A stick.

As I am sitting here watching an old Green Acres rerun, this fits well.  That whole farm and rural thing that happened before the Rural Purge.  Too bad, it's a fun series if a bit dippy.

 

A bear opens up a grocery store in the woods

A bunny walks in the store and goes to the bear.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

“No I don’t” responded the bear.

A few minutes pass and the bunny asks again.

“Mr. Bear, mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

The bear confused responds.

“You just asked me that. I don’t have strawberries!”

Another 5 minutes pass and the bunny asks again.

“Mr. Bear, Mr. bear do you have strawberries?”

The bear responds.

“Listen here pal. Ask me one more time if I have strawberries and I will nail you to that tree!”

The bunny was disappointed but after a few minutes he asks the bear again.

“Mr. Bear, Mr. Bear do you have nails?”

“No” responds the bear.

“What about strawberries?”
 

 

An Inline Skater Tries Biking And Finds It's Not Completely Terrible

 When you plan your workouts in terms of hours, it gives you plenty of time to think.  It no longer is a workout but "logistics".  When I workout, I usually am at about a 12 on a 10 Point Scale.

I really should train for the marathon skate workouts I used to do before I got down here but the trails in South Florida are not as good as they were in Philadelphia.  Up there, I'd do 33 miles 3 times a week, and a wee bit more just to claim the 100 miles this week... then repeat from April to October.

Here, the best trail I found in the Fort Lauderdale, FL area is only 4.6 miles at the Pompano Beach Airpark.  Yes, Only 4.6 miles.  It's a bit short for me.

Add to all that nonsense what is happening in the world.  

I kept reading that the Emergency Wards were filling up with people who were unvaccinated against Covid.  A few breakthrough cases here and there, but they were few.

I panicked.  You see on a good day there is nothing I like better than getting on my inline skates and rolling out a good hour flying down a trail.

Then there are bad days.  A bit of unseen garbage on the trail and I'm down.

So let's pivot our workout.

I first tried running knowing full well it would not last.  One month later my knee was complaining and it was time to stop.  The cardio aspect was great, but my knees were damaged from Football, Skating, and Running "Back in the Day".  I used to run 10K, three times a week at Valley Forge National Park.  There's a hill there that is about a 30% incline.  Oh and I was also 20 to 30 pounds lighter than I am now.  I'm also 30 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of Covid, but now I am a lot more muscular than I was back at my running days.

So I pivoted again.  This time to the bike.

Mind you I'm not fond of a bike.  As I have heard and said... "If I am going to be sitting on something that uncomfortable as a bike seat, I expect dinner and drinks first".

I managed to find a route around town.  The bike I have here for emergencies took air in the tires and has held the air for a month so far.  The seat was easily upgraded when a neighbor was throwing out his beach cruiser.  All of my equipment was fine.

This bike was small for me, but it was serviceable and sound.  It's sized for someone else, I would need a much bigger bike than this little cruiser.  But it worked.  

Three times a week for the last month I have been carving out a path up and down the main street of my city, listening to Runkeeper's Mr Announcer telling me my statistics and that "You're doing Great!" in a weirdly monotone male voice.   

Some of the other voices are a cringe.  With a Stereotype here and there like a French Woman out of a bad romance comedy, something sounding like a drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, and a weirdly passive sounding male voice, I chose Mr Announcer.  Mr Announcer was basically American Standard English Radio Announcer telling me that my distance was 7.51 miles, average heart rate was 145, and so forth.

Average HR 145?  A bit slow but it will do.  Skating I will average 165 on a slow day, peak over 180. Race Trained, Endurance Honed.

I noticed others noticing me as well. There are plenty of people around who are doing their own workouts and will wave and say hi as you go past, regardless of the workout.  

Back in the bad old days, there was animosity between anyone on a bike towards anyone else.  Why would they like to take a chance with anyone else over their choice of workout I can't understand but I learned a long time ago to just do my thing.

So for the rest of the month, I'm going to continue with the bike.  Next month I think I will try my skates on again at the park.  I need my cardio.  Maybe continue once a week with a bike.  Cross training is good.

Who knows, maybe I can make it through the end of the year without falling on the death nuts that drop with a BANG! from the trees around here.

Until then, it's cardio time.  It's good for the heart and at my level the Runner's High is a truly wonderful thing.  I'll heat treat my boots and be back out there soon enough.

Wanna Skate?  I'm only 1000 miles from my goal of skating once around the world at the equator, 24,701 miles...

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? "Oops!"

 I read these jokes that are sent to me and I keep them on a text file.  They don't get there if I don't at least smile.  This one is one of those that I just got a smile from.  Hopefully you will too.

Earring no tales

I'm on my lunch break at work and I notice a co-worker stroll in the lunch room so I offer him a seat.
Were talking about the Dallas game, when I notice an earring in his right ear.
No big deal, but this guy is pretty conservative with his work attire, so I felt obliged to ask him about his new accessory.
 

--"It's no big deal, my man. Just one of those things.'
-- Ok, no big deal, but still it's unlike him and I hadn't noticed it before.
So, knowing him for awhile I press it a little and mention well I haven't noticed it before when did you have it pierced?
--"It's been pierced since my wife found it in my truck Tuesday morning."

---  Since it is short, here's another one for a two fer  ---

Wife: Honey let's play a game. Husband: What is the game all about?

Wife:If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird, you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month.
Husband: ok. If you fail, I will have your salary too, right?
Wife: (smiles) Yes darling.
Husband: okay. ( stood up and was ready to run in any direction.)
Wife: Are you ready?
Husband :Yes ready.
Wife: Turkey......
It has been four hours now and the husband is still standing at the spot wondering IF she meant the country or the bird.