Could This Be Blue Crab Season? In Wilton Manors? In Front of my House?

Too much of my life ends up happening on a workout.

I have managed to cobble together a rather aggressive schedule of distance cardio activities, and all that endurance training takes a lot of time.

Up at 5.  Walk the Dog for a Mile and a Third.
(coffee)
Walk the Dog for another Mile.

Twice a week, distance inline skate.
Twice a week, distance bike.

This was getting ready for the bike workout.

Step outside.  Comment on the steam bath that is late spring in South Florida.  Remind myself that it's already hotter Up North in Atlanta or Philly.

Go to the backyard.  Slap and kill a mosquito.
Unlock the bike from the bar.  Slap and kill a mosquito.
Tie the bike lock back on the bike, install the GoPro on the bike. 
Third Mosquito Meets Her Maker.

By the time I make it to the front yard, turn on all the electronic nonsense, and saddle up, I have killed five mosquitoes.

In three minutes.

As I am looking to start Runkeeper and be told "I'm Proud Of You!", I spot something in the middle of the street.  From that distance, I thought it was a leaf, but it moved strangely.

*shrug* May as well go look.

It turned out to be a little blue shelled crab.  "Awww, I've had your cousins before and they're tasty!"

I made it a point to put the camera a little too close for comfort to get this little creature, I'll call him Dr. Zoidberg, to move onto the grass and out of the traffic lane.

Outdoor Workouts are strange in South Florida.

The park I have been skating at has herds of Green Iguanas running all over the place.  It's like raptors in Jurassic Park. 

After the big rains we had last week, we have clouds of mosquitoes, obviously.  But we also had herds of crabs scuttling across the road bed like I had been magically transported to Australia. 

That part of the park also smelled like a really bad seafood restaurant that needed the department of health to close it down.  After all, in the battle of Crab vs Car, Car wins.

At least the buzzards and the herons did not mind picking up the mess.

Just watch when you're on your skates at speed.  Look big!  They scuttle away.

Since it's a park next to water, Mills Pond Park, there's always the possibility of larger water creatures deciding to take a snack on you.

I have never seen an alligator at that park, but I do remember visiting a different park in Dania Beach once.  I had to run with the dog off the dock because there was a gator getting a bit too close.

So when we say it's Tourist Season here... ask how it's being defined.  You may get a different answer!

What do you call a nun with no name? Anunymous.

 I remember priests in the High School I went to describing Nuns who were older as "A Bit Too Nunny".

Then again, while my French Teacher from back then is still alive at 100, none of those priests are so ... Nyah.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year old woman.

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asks.

She simply answers, "No peer pressure."

A woman comes home late from work
She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.
She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says.
"Your parents decided to stop in for the night on their way back home. I let them have our room, I hope you don't mind."




Two friends having gotten tired of using instant communication, decided to use old fashioned means of messaging each other, such as pigeons.

For a few days, it is great. Then one day, a pigeon shows up at one friends house with a blank piece of paper.

Angry, the receiver phones his friend to ask what was the meaning of the message.

To which his friend calmly replies, "Oh, that was a missed call."

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Voting.

 A Bit cynical but lately ...


At any rate, when one is good... how about repeating it?




A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans.

Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility.

And then, naturally, there were the volunteers. Many of the volunteers were quite popular with the scientists, but chief amongst them was Benny. Benny was the picture of human health, over 6 feet tall and in great shape due to the rigorous exercise regimen set for the subjects. As expected, Benny becomes the first human to be cloned en masse, owing to his impressive physical abilities.

The cloning process goes beautifully, with the facility now churning out dozens of new Bennies. However, there was one oddity that was observed. Every cloned Benny had experienced a pronounced growth in body hair, enough to make each Benny appear more like Bigfoot than Adonis. Curious, the scientists decided to take a random Benny from the batch of clones and shave all of his hair off. They dosed the Benny and put him under, restraining him and systematically shaving off the body hair that covered every inch of skin. Before long, they had completed their work, and sat back to watch in amazement the physical perfection that the Benny had hidden beneath so much hair.

At that moment, the heart monitor starts to beep frantically, eventually emitting a continual tone as the Benny's heart stopped. Somehow, shaving a Benny resulted in his death.

Devastated, the scientists solemnly bring the Benny to the crematorium on-site. There is a quick service, a moment of silence, and a goodbye to the unfortunate Benny. His body is then burned, leaving behind only some ash, given back to the scientists in an urn.

This happens a few more times, each experiment ending in failure, with no further understanding of the relationship between the Bennies and their hair. Soon, unable to take the grief, the scientists decide to halt the research into the Bennies' hair. Eventually, the director of the facility comes by the lab, and asks the chief scientist whether they would be continuing with the research into the cause of the overgrown body hair on the Bennies. The scientist, outraged and in mourning, grasps a jar full of a Benny's ashes and answered, "No sir, I believe at this point it is clear that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

Making Massive Peeps in the Microwave For Fun And Entertainment

Standard Internet Warranty applies.  Ramblingmoose.com will not be responsible for any Peeps harmed either by fire, microwave, or any other conceivable or inconceivable method.  Heating Peeps results in a substance that is hotter than the surface of the sun and most likely will result in burns if not handled carefully.  If you do not trust your abilities, consult an adult for required supervision. 

Do not taunt Peeps.  You have been warned.

We weren't the camping family.

Oh you know them... that's the family down the road a piece.  They have the offroad vehicle, well most folks do here in Los Estados Unidos these days but theirs is somehow tricked out.

They have a Roof Rack to pile all their absolutely necessary crap on top, so their spawn would ride comfortably inside. 

No, fellow babies, this was not a Mall Crawler, it saw mud.  My Jeep did as well but here in metro South Florida, that's not happening since it's paved as well as that file floor in Mom's Laundry Room from the Keys to Jupiter, Ocean to Everglades.  Too bad since we just had a bit of a gullywasher of a t-storm and of course I can't get out of the house without getting my ankles wet.

Anyway, that family would take themselves out to the Camping Site and disgorge themselves on Nature.  Not that Nature would want them but hey, there they are. 

I could call them The Griswolds but I'd be pushing the simile a wee bit thin.

In the family that just pulled up in the prime spot under THEIR pine tree, there is bound to be a boy.  Always a boy.  A little awkward in school, which is fine, we all were.  He had a fascination with some of the geekier things in life.  Chemical reactions, reasons for why you get caramel when you heat your sugars up, maybe he understood the Maillard Reaction or perhaps even how to make the 7th grade xmas recipe for peanut brittle when they allowed peanuts in a public school.

I guess I'm telling some of my own story, every blog is somewhat autobiographical.

Anyway, that kid made sure, darn sure that he had two things:
1) Marshmallows
2) Fire.

Once the sun dipped down under the horizon, the campfires lit.  That kid had sticks for the marshmallows and he toasted them and life was good.

But what about Peeps?  They're just marshmallows, right?  Coated in horrendous tasting sanding sugar, but still?  Won't they toast?

You bet your pre-teen bored kid self they toast.  And you were content until you got home.

Why just that bit?  Well you got home and that little bit of edge came out in your personality.  That heat that made your marshmallows taste so wonderful was just heat.  Never mind your kid sister who dipped her marshmallow in the fire and laughed when it burned to a crisp, you were going to do it "Scientificially!"

So, put the thing on a plate.  Mom and Dad are off to work, and you would have your hand on the stop button right?

Plate in place, BEEP BEEP Start!  15 seconds on high right?

Stop asking that kid to do your dirty work you know what you have a Monster Peep!  It is crawling out of the microwave all angry, foamy, and sweet.  But you opened the door and it's cooling rapidly.  That means it's shrinking back to "normal peep size"

So if you want a bit of excitement that only a toasted peep can give you, let the microwave help.  It's a lot easier than hauling the whole family out in the SUV to the middle of the New Jersey Pine Barrens to a camp site!

Here I sit, having a sugar high and a half caff tankard of coffee at my elbow.  Yes, fellow babies, I did nuke a Peep for you. 

But how did I get onto this tear?  It's a non-workout day for me, so being buzzed on coffee is not really a good thing.  Hey, it's at least honest.  You see I was corrupting the next generation.  Yes, passing on the mantle of the extreme peep was my job.  Last weekend I went to the market.  No, not the supermarket, a smaller one near us.  They were closing out Peeps.  Herding them out the door I guess.  And there was a clot of people in front of them.  When I told them what I was going to do with them everyone got excited.  Not everyone knew the story of the huge Peep so I was telling them. 

While no Peeps were harmed in the store... you can see the result. 

Microwave at your own risk.  I have a propane powered stove in the kitchen that will let me toast the little yellow blaggards in the comfort of my own home.  I don't even have to get into the Jeep and drive out to a campsite, but that will be our little secret, won't it?

Have a sweet day!

Why can't the police find former wrestlers that turned to crime? They're hard to pin down

So if you are a fan of Sex and the City, you may recognize this as a later plot with Samantha.  Samantha was a lusty woman with a good sense of ... humor, and something very similar happened in her NYC apartment.


Disturbance

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

If you hand someone a container of butane... You just passed gas.

 
3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of moving boxes full of old text books and other junk. They soon get bored and decide to explore the basement more. They find an old metal locker in the recesses of the huge basement.

It looked very old as it was rusty and covered in cobwebs. The 3 students try to open it up. Using all their might they finally get it open after 10 minutes of trying. As they open the locker a cloud of dust comes out, as it settles they see a skeleton.

The 3 students scream at the sight of this and run to tell the Janitor. Who upon looking at the skeleton tells the police.

The police forensics team come to the school to take some samples of the skeleton and remove it from the school.

Back in the lab they are finally able to identify the body by the sneakers that are still on the feet of the skeleton.

A detective informs the principal about the identity of the skeleton.

Rumors about the skeleton had spread across the school in the weeks since it was found. So to quell the hearsay he decides he will announce the news to the whole school.

He gathers the whole school into the auditorium and says:

"Boys and girls the skeleton that was found in our school basement by 3 of our students has been identified by the police. I can tell you the skeleton was the.....1952 school hide and seek champion"

Mango Lassi - A Smoothie For Any Day That The Blender Is Clean

We counted the calories on this.

For two weeks worth of meals a year, I get the equivalent of every single calorie I take in from the mango trees in the neighborhood.

Yes, it is a lot of calories.  I count every one of them and I shoot for 2100 calories a day with allowances for another 300.  I'm an athlete and I am pretty much hungry every moment of the day as a result.  On marathon days, I tell people I can have a SECOND piece of cake if I want and watch their jaws drop.

Oh I know it sounds weird and obsessive but think of it.  Between Mango Chunks, Jelly, and drinks, they have a lot of calories.  Add to it the Mango bread that is quite nice with the Mango jelly and you see where I am going with my numbers.  I already have about 12 jars of Mango chunks for Jelly in the freezer for when I can find the time to make the stuff so I think I will also make some Mango Oatmeal Raisin Cookies this year too.

17 calories an ounce so 6 ounces are 100 calories.

That's 102 calories for 28 grams if you are ... metric.  (gasp)

The entire recipe as I make it clocks in around 300 calories and a lot of fiber.   I make it without actual sugar so I can use it on a day that I am carbo-loading for my workouts.  It is traditional to use Honey instead of artificial sweeteners in it, but I found that the mangoes are already very sweet, and I wanted the lower calories.

With no fat in the fruit, it is endurance workout friendly as well.

Don't ask about "Runner's Trots", it's a rather unpleasant malady.  Too much fat in your diet before an endurance workout and you will be visiting the baño sooner than you would prefer and wondering why there aren't any shrubs around when you need them.


Ingredients as I made it this morning:

• 12 ounces/336 grams of Rather Ripe Mangoes, chunked.
• 6 ounces/170 grams of plain unsweetened yogurt.
• 6 ice cubes and an extra 4 ounces of water (yes, arbitrary size) or about 200 grams total.
• a dusting of cinnamon to taste
  
• a packet of artificial sweetener or Honey (completely optional, I often forget this) to taste
  

Blend on high until smooth and drink.

What kind of shoes does a spy wear? Sneakers

I have not flown since the early 2000s.  Around 2003 I think.  I'm not fond of it at all and it has only gotten worse.  Pouring my 6'4" (193cm) 190 pound (86Kg) athletically fit frame into one of those buckboard crowded seats won't happen if I can avoid it.  I tell my friends Up North "If you want me up there, either cough up for First Class Round Trip or it's going to be a long drive!"

On the other hand the flight crew generally has the reputation of being very professional.

Generally...




Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"

The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard the noise of two 747's colliding.”

How much does a chimney cost? It's on the house

 I have never had the pleasure of driving through Tennessee.  I have gone through the coastal south here and I suspect it's similar just much more hilly.  

Then again Pennsylvania has it's own charm.  After all it's where you regularly hear stories about deer running into your car.  Stopped at a stop sign.  Causing about $3000 of damage...

A guy is driving somewhere in Tennessee

He is riding along and a hog runs into the street and gets hit. The man is shocked, so he gets out and calls the police.

"Hi I need to report that I just hit a pig in the road." He says nervously, unsure of what to do. The other person on the phone asks for the location and he gives it to them. The dispatcher then says "We also need your address please."

"Why do you need that?"

"Well in our city, hogs are protected and hitting one constitutes a civil offense. We will have to send you a fine in the mail."

The man immediately hangs up the phone and continues driving

4 days later he goes outside to check the mail and he sees a fine from the same city in Tennessee.

He then stomps his foot angrily and says "That damn pig squealed on me!"

The Second Most Important Workout Tool Is A Water Bottle

I have often said the most important fitness tool is a good kitchen scale.

This time of year has convinced me that the second most important fitness tool is the Water Bottle.

No, Seriously!  Hear me out!

So right now, fellow athletes, I'm in a rebuilding phase.  I was on low power for three months due to sports injuries.  My Dr. told me to "Go! Live Your Life!  Just remain upright!".

Upright I am.

Three months ago I started skating again on the "Bunny Slope" of a trail here.  Mills Pond Park in Fort Lauderdale.  It's a big circle with two "legs" off of it at odd angles.  Absolutely flat and hardly ever used when I am out there so I had it to myself.  All of about 2 miles (3K) if you stretch it, and since there is construction, well folks, I tried.

I built the distance up to around 16 miles and am starting to look for something a little more entertaining.

But "Go! Live Your Life!" means that I pursue all the cross training I was doing before.  In January, I skated a marathon a week with the totals around 50 miles.  Biked about 25 miles a week.  Walked 4 to 5 miles a day.  

Metric people, that's 80K, 40K, and around 7 or 8K respectively.

I had stopped biking, completely, and just now went for an hour bike ride.  10.06 miles, I guess 16K.

Here's where that second most important tool comes in.

In the interim we went from what we call winter here to what most of the rest of the Western World would call "OMG You Want Me To Do What In That Soup?" conditions.

People in India or Australia would simply shrug and say "I hear you bro!" and get back to what they're doing.  Think Thailand in the Summer.  Europeans?  LOL, you COULD do it, but you would have to train for the heat.

Here in South Florida, Beach Adjacent Wilton Manors.  Humid is the summer norm.  It does get hot here, but it gets hotter in my native South Jersey, near Philadelphia.

The story I tell about the heat in Philly is that the "Rocky Steps" at the Art Museum are a beautiful place to cool down.  It's an athletic hangout, and I used it frequently there on my skate workouts.  The trail loop there was a comfortable 8.6 miles (Hmmm... Math...) I call it just under 14K.  Water stops all over the place.  I miss that park.

As was my normal way, I skated from March 1 until the trails were covered in Ice in December.  This particular day was high summer.  I had on my headphones and got curious, this was pre-mobile internet days.  Tuned on the all news station, the first one in the country and reputation says it was the first in the world.  I heard "KYW News Time 5 o'clock.  The temperature is 99 Degrees".

I stood up and chuckled and skated another lap of the park.  17 miles total plus a fraction.

KYW is an unlistenable mess that is the most popular radio station there because everyone wants to know the weather and traffic.  But I swear they put commercials on their commercials.

That 99 Degrees, or 37C was coupled with someone used to skating intensely at 183 BPM average with plenty of water.  I used to drink in motion while skating frequently.

I have never seen anything over 96F here in the 15 years I have lived here.

So now I am in my rebuilding cycle.  The weather was like standing behind someone in a shower.  Sure I can think of ways that can be fun but on skates it became a slog.  After the second time I stopped back at my car, I had run out of water bottles that I could take so I went home.  The limiting factor was how much I could drink since there were no water stops easily accessible.  Oh they had stops, but since it was in the construction zone you had to risk your life for a drink.

Know your fitness level and know your body.  I can easily skate 8 miles per bottle of water.  You may not be that fit even at the slow pace I purposely have been maintaining .  For your best results, bring more than you need and rest frequently.

Endurance workouts are mostly "Logistics".  You have planning to do if you are going to do a 3 hour hyper-marathon.  Even a 10K you need to plan for on inline skates.

Runners are a very different story.

I would skate 30 miles in Pennsylvania and never have a problem because that trail lent itself to it.  Not so much here.

So make sure you properly hydrate.  Higher humidity will limit your ability to cool down.  Higher temperatures will make it more likely that you will feel it.  Consider working out early in the morning, in the evening, or even at night if you can manage the lighting.

Sure this all is a basic thing, but we all need to look out for each other from time to time.

Oh and that thermos you have had for 15 years in the kitchen, unused?  Dig it out from the back of the cabinet and toss it in the car with Ice Water next time you're out in 90 degree (32C plus) and hydrate to your heart's content.

Your Heart will love you for it, and you can keep your distance up.

Hey!  On Yer Left!