I have a calculus joke, but it’s derivative.

 I never got Calculus.  They taught it as a quit course - one designed to make you quit the university.  Hard way to calculate a derivative first.  They then said "Oh forget all that, you can do it this way".  Much easier.

Soured me on higher education from then on out.



And speaking on things that might sour you... this is a wee bit edgy, so proceed on forearmed.




Doctor doctor give me the news

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!", his mom screams, "Knock it off or you're going to break something!"

Johnny stops and shortly thereafter mom leaves to go grocery shopping. Johnny starts up again immediately.

Finally growing bored, he gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom gets home and while putting away the groceries gets a bubbling feeling in her gut. It's a diarrhea run!!!

She makes it to the toilet just in time and SPLOOSH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor, but he's baffled as she describes the situation. He assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the brown thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere! It's on him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been a doctor over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!'"

Jeep Wrangler 25 years on, Acting Weird in the Driveway.

My support team, as I sometimes call him, is currently in London.  Doing Business things.  Previously he was in Barcelona and Madrid before that.

Lucky guy, huh?

What this means, to me, is that I don't get to workout.  I have been at home "doing things" for these two weeks.  I have had some pretty nasty accidents on inline skates and on a bicycle.  As a result, I am carrying some Titanium for the rest of my life.

I am grateful to have someone who can rescue me when I have a problem, but that stops me when they aren't around.

On the other hand, I had a rather annoying surprise yesterday.

I realized that it was two weeks since I had started the Jeep.  It has been sitting in the driveway wondering when I was going to take him for a drive.  Two more weeks, then the support team comes back, and I go back to being an athlete carving large circles around giant gas bags and goofy golfers.

"He" is a 2002 Jeep Wrangler.  January 2027 I will have had him for 25 years.  I would put classic or antique plates on the Jeep but I think it is 30 years here in Florida and I am not sure that I would want to be limited to daytime only use on my own car.

Yes, "He".  Black Jeep, Tan Soft top.  A friend of the time looked at it and said that Jeep looks like Darth Vader.  I laughed and have been thinking of it as Darth Jeep ever since.

DJ the TJ.  I'll stop, it's a little "cute" for me too.

25 year old cars do weird things.  I purposely got the Jeep as I thought that I could repair things on it.  And I have.  I have replaced Oxygen Sensors, Drained the oil numerous times, flushed the radiator, replaced the fuel rail, had the fuel injectors out, cleaned them, and replaced them, upgraded the lights to LED (all but four bulbs), and I'm on the second soft top.

There are other things that have been done like replacing the radio because I wanted to listen to CDs.  A different radio for MP3 listening.  Then I wanted HD Radio and a Line In port and replaced it again.  Then I wanted Bluetooth more than anything else because the whole music market has changed drastically in 25 years.

I am sitting in South Florida listening to a Classic Disco feed from a "station" in London, on a Bluetooth link to my phone.  As much as I hate smart phones, I rather like Classic Disco.  This way I can do it on the road as well.

When I went out to the Jeep, I pulled the radio and re-soldered all the wires to the harness.  That gave me four speakers.  Sufficient because over about 60 mph, that Jeep only has a passing acquaintance to the music I am playing.

All that said and done, it was time to test it all out.  

Accessory switch proved that the music worked.  

Realizing that I needed to do more than drain the battery playing Cerrone,  I thought it best to take old Darth for a roll around town.

Pushing foot to the firewall, I turned over the motor.  Purrs like a kitten.

Clutch in I tried to shift it into reverse and it fought me.  There was no pressure in the hydraulics to the clutch plate.  

Try to shift into first, and the same thing.  Nothing.

When I had the Clutch Master Cylinder replaced a couple years back, I had to pump the clutch so that I got enough pressure to engage the transmission.  Remembering this, and feeling my heart rate climb in fear to above 100, I did manage to get the transmission to shift into gear.  

Testing forward and reverse, and seeing that they engaged, I thought it best to take the old boy out for a short jaunt around town. 

Bottom line is that with a 25 year old Jeep, weird things happen.  Gremlins.  Mind you, I am fond of weird cars, and that Jeep is certainly weird.  

I bought it in the middle of the 1996-2006 production of the Jeep Wrangler TJ.  It used to be common on the road.  Through time and bad planning, my DJ The TJ seems to be one of the last of a breed.  I just don't see many of them.

It isn't time to sell it.  I enjoy it way too much.  Every time I get behind the wheel, I get a goofy grin on my face.  Besides, the EV market has not gotten mature enough for me to find one that is to my liking.  I like what the Blank Slate promises.  It's basically a "Work Truck" about the size of an old Toyota Truck, Chevy Luv, and Mazda B2000.  1990 Called and they are bringing back a truck in the form of an EV.  

The Slate Truck also has the same ethos as a Jeep Wrangler from my era and earlier.  No spyware reporting back to Ford/GM/Toyota/Who-Knows-Who.  No subscriptions for hardware you have on the vehicle and are carrying around for the life of the thing.

It is as basic as my Jeep is.  I like that in a car or truck.  I like weird, but I also don't like paying for things I don't actually need or want.  That's just pointless and stupid, and "Momma didn't raise stupid".

So for now, I have to put up with weirdness and make it a point to drive the Jeep around town more frequently, even at $4.29 a gallon, and invent places to go.  

At least until my support team returns. 

If you are curious, and haven't checked your Clutch Master Cylinder for a while, it may be low.  Before you get involved, make sure you have the correct fluid.  It is marked on my cylinder at the firewall.  If not there, check your owner's manual, or (gasp) your favorite search engine.

Seriously, look it up and make sure you are using the right fluids.  I have seen videos of people destroying their vehicles by using the wrong one.  If In Doubt, Get An Expert.

My Jeep uses DOT 3 Brake Fluid.  Open up the top by turning it and make sure that you have it about 1/2 full.  Close it tight. 

It's also a good time to make sure your brake fluid, oil, washer fluid, and coolant levels are up where they should be.  

Why was the fish let go from his job? The company was scaling back.

Ahh spammers.  I have to laugh at them.  May as well, they won't stop.  They probably are nothing more than a phone on a wall in a third world nation.  

As for Political Spam I am getting, I am torn between simply delete and spam block or just sending 43 copies of my middle finger in a picture.  Comic relief that is.




Papa mole, mamma mole and their two baby moles were in their tunnel beneath the grocery store.

Papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the sugar now.” 

A little later he stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the honey now.” 

A little more time passed and papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the maple syrup now.”

After the moles got home, the two baby moles asked mamma mole whether she was able to smell the sugar, honey, and maple syrup. 

She said, “Not as well as your papa, but yes. Couldn’t you two smell them?”

The baby moles looked at each other and one spoke up, “To be honest, all we could smell was molasses.”



This one I think I used before.  So I'll turn this into a two-fer in case someone hasn't seen it yet.  



"God will save me"

In a small town by the riverside, it started to rain heavily. As the water levels began to rise, the townspeople started to leave, except for one very religious person. They said "God will save me".

At first, an army bus was helping evacuate the people. The person refused the bus, saying "God will save me".

As the water rose, the person had to climb to the second floor to not drown. At this time, a boat appeared and offered help. Once again, "God will save me". The boat left.

Rain continued, the water rose even more, forcing the person to go to the roof. A rescue helicopter appeared, but once again, "God will save me".

The water continued rising and the person drowned. Once in heaven, they went to God and asked "Lord! Why didn't you save me? I was a loyal servant for my whole life!"

To which God replied: "I sent help! I sent you a bus, a boat and a helicopter!"

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

I haven't been to the Park in too many days now.  I'm climbing the walls because walking six miles a day is kind of boring and not intense enough.

So if this is a repeat, just think of it as me going around the golf course six times on the bike laughing at those thinking they're getting a workout.



 
 
What's fairway for the goose, is fairway for the gander!

Two guys were playing a round of golf. As they finished one hole and headed for the next, one of them realised he'd left his jacket back at the previous one.

"Hang on a sec", he said to his buddy, "I'll just run back and get it."

As he approached the previous hole, he noticed two women about to tee off. Suddenly he stopped, turned around, and headed back toward where his buddy was waiting.

"Holy Hell! That could have been awkward! That was my wife and mistress back there!"

"Good Lord!" says his buddy, "That could have ended badly! No problem, I'll run back and get it for you."

Like the first guy, he got half way to the previous tee, turned around, and headed back.

Reaching his buddy he looked somewhat flustered and said "Small world isn't it?"



This one is for my vegan friends.  You know who you are.  We know who you are.  You told us...






 A man orders a steak at a fancy restaurant. He soon sees the waiter approaching with the big juicy steak dinner plate.

As the waiter gets closer, the man notices the waiter has his thumb directly on top of the steak, squeezing it to the plate.

The man says to the waiter, "Hey man, would you mind taking your thumb off my steak??"
The waiter replies, "What, and drop it on the floor again?? Geez what a fool!"

Up At Four Means Your View Doesn't Change, Dog Walks In An Empty City

I have the city to myself.  That isn't exactly a bad thing.  

There are always lurkers and leftovers hovering in the shadows no matter where you are. When you are out on the dog walk, being on your own means you aren't finding yourself having to be on guard as much.

I got started getting up early years ago.  Mostly due to training.  I'd weight lift or walk before work, then settle in for the rest of the day.  Training happened 12 months of the year and would shift concentrations depending on weather and season.  Hard to inline skate when there is snow on the ground, so I would get into the gym and "Pump Aluminum".

Then Lettie happened and that pushed the wake up time at least another half hour earlier.  She was a joy to have and I would do it all over again.  I would walk around my block at the top of a hill and get her settled before going into my own schedule.

We moved her here to Florida from Philadelphia years back, and I found a different reason to be up.  Heat.  I have always been good with temperature, I have actually made it through years of August while having my training schedule in two sports maintained.  There is a reason why you snowbirds don't come down in August.  

"The air is liquid" is a line I have used to describe it.

Getting started early means some of that heat is left to others to navigate.  Lettie went to her reward, and I was told "Get another dog, now" by others.  Some people just need a dog in their life. 

The answer was Rack.  Rack is now 15 and quite a bit slower.  The zoomies we had in the back yard were fun to watch but that hasn't happened for years.  Dogs may tough it out but you do want to make sure that the heat won't affect them. 

Earlier still.  Not to mention that he's a slow eater.  Painfully slow some days.

We are still out walking around, watching the sunrise to beat the heat on the two early walks.  Having the city to ourselves.  I get to see the place as if everyone has moved out.  We notice when things change, whether intentional or not.  

At the moment, my "support team" is out of town.  My training has drastically shifted.  Before then, "The Afterburners Are On" and I could eat anything I wanted, and did.  It all just burned up.  700 calories plus for a meal, plus dessert for all three meals.  Plus "nibbles" every time I walked through the kitchen.  

Now, with only long walks and no other training, I am limited to a firm ceiling of 600 calories a meal plus desserts.  It will take at least a month to get back to peak condition, but a resting heart rate in the low 50s is fun.

Cardio is a Cheat Code to nutrition.  Hit your macro nutrient requirements for Protein and you can have pretty much whatever you want if you are doing enough Cardio.  I measure workouts on the bike in multiples of marathons.  27 miles is enough, three times a week.

But I have to get there.  Rack helps.  6 miles a day of dog walks is possible, but I limit him because he would walk the pads off his paws if I let him.  So he gets "only" four to five miles, and I go out on my own even if he doesn't like that.

Loyal is a metaphor for Dog.

Dog walks are "Dog Directed" as a result.  Rack knows the city as well as I do, and on a very different level.  I open the door and follow him, follow his lead.  I can easily steer him, he is an agreeable soul, and definitely not an Alpha Dog.   

Depending on my own time constraints, and whether I am up at four like I was today, we can cover a lot of ground.  I limit that ground, frequently, but a long walk makes for a happy dog.  

Just keep it reasonable.  Happy is good, Too Happy is not.

If you see us out there, I'm wandering along, cleaning up after my dog and the leftovers.  My headphones are usually on, BBC/CBC for the news, typically or some Classic Disco keeping the tempo up.

Classic Disco?  Yes, still.  When the mood hits. 

What do you call a live-in nanny with breast implants? A faux pair.

Hey, I'm allowed and Mom was Italian.




A Russian spy, an American spy and an Italian spy

All three were captured by a terrorist organization and kept in the same cell.

The terrorists first dragged out the American spy, tied him to a chair and started asking him questions about the nation's secrets, codes and plans.

The American spy refused, and when threatened with torture he spat on their face.

After 2 continuous hours of brutal torture the American finally gave up and gave them every thing he had.

They then picked up the Russian and again asked him for his country's confidential information. The russian refused.

After 5 continuous hours of goreish, sick and disturbing torture even the russian gave up and gave them every thing he had.

Then they moved onto the Italian, did the whole thing with him, he too remained quiet.

After 6 hours of bloody indescribable torture, the italian hadn't said a word.

Soon 8 hours passed and the italian was still quiet, the terrorists grew tired and told him they'd be back in some time and left the three to rot together.

The american then turned to the italian and asked him "Hey, Luigi! What the hell was that? Do you not feel pain?"

The russian too was very shocked, "Comrade! How in the world did you endure that!"

The italian, with tears rolling down his face replied

"I wanted to talk, but my hands were tied"

I noticed most musicians wear glasses. It's so they can C#

Ok so how about a little humor wrapped around a country stereotype.  I have a friend in Europe right now, and he's always talking about "The Angry German" in his Mercedes Benz especially when a fluid level is low.



 A British couple decided to adopt a German baby.

They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. 

Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a pastry, and said "It is a little tepid."

His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."



And since that was short... here are two more short ones!




 A man wins a pig at a fair and the host congratulates him, then asks him if he has a barn to keep the pig.
"Nah", says the man "I'll just keep it in the bedroom."

The host is taken aback and asks "But what about the smell?"
"Well", says the man "that's something the pig's gotta get used to."









My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"?

I said "Golf ball".

He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."

Balsamic Barbecue Sauce Recipe. Yes, Homemade!

I was running low on ingredients.  My refrigerator held a vacuum packed slab of Pork Shoulder, Boneless.  

Where do they get Boneless Pigs, and how can they live without bones?

Anyway, I remembered that I lived near a restaurant supply store where I previously bought a gallon of Balsamic Vinegar. 

Yes, A Gallon.  Right around four liters if you prefer.

Most barbecue sauce has vinegar in it in some level and this recipe has saved me multiple times.

Since the Pork Shoulder was about 8 pounds (4kg), I wasn't going to soak it in the sauce overnight.  I merely coated it at 6 PM and then a top off coat an hour later at 7:30 in the evening.

At 9pm, I turned on the oven at 225F (107c) for 12 hours.  At 9AM I added another 2 hours.

Perfect.  I had a Slab of Meat that shrank some, but was at 205F (96c).  

At 11:30 I was able to eat some of the most buttery barbecue that I had in a very long time.  

This sauce you make at home, over the stove.  It took about 1/2 hour of total time, 15 minutes prep, 15 of simmering.  It thickened and I was able to say this is a winner again.

Yes, I used it on Pork but it works well with Beef, and Poultry.  Yes, I have done all three.

For my Vegetarian and Vegan friends and Family, try it on tofu or a Veggie Burger.  

It is awesome.  It is my go to barbecue sauce.

Ingredients: 

• 1 cup balsamic vinegar
• 3/4 cup ketchup
• 1/3 cup brown sugar
• 1 garlic clove, minced
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper  

Process:

• Add the ingredients to a saucepan and stir until all the ingredients are incorporated and the mixture is smooth.
  Alternately add the ingredients to a blender and blend until smooth. 
• Simmer over medium heat until reduced by 1/3, about 15 to 20 minutes.
• Refrigerate and use fairly promptly like any homemade goods.

What happened after the wheel was invented? A revolution. (That's one way to spin it.)

 A truck carrying a shipment of Worcestershire sauce was driving through Loughborough, when it ploughed head-on into a Lamborghini Murcielago.

The truck then swerved and crashed into a Hyundai, carrying refractive geo optical accoutrements, severely injuring two ophthalmologists seated inside. 

One practitioner, originally from Saskatchewan , already afflicted with strongyloidiasis, instantly suffered an onset of hypercholesterolemia.

A local man, Tarquin Cholmondeley-Featherstonehaugh who witnessed the scene, alerted the emergency services using his Xiaomi smartphone.

A police spokesman later said

“It’s really difficult to say what happened here”.

And since that was a bit weird and shortish...

My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, 'You know, you could do better.'

'Thanks, Dad, that means a lot,' I replied.

He winked and said, 'I was talking to your girlfriend!'

What do you call an annoying chemist? A pain in the flask.

It's Saturday, at least I am sitting here writing it on one.  The weather is beautiful today so Summer has broken and we're in our Secret Season in Flaky South Florida. 

I'm about to go out and get dragged around town by Mr. Dog in the cool (75F) full sunshine before it starts getting warmer (85F) but before I go, have a trip on the Sesame Street Bus!






 The Sesame Street Bus

John was a semi-retired bus driver. His old employer would call him to fill in on days when too many folks called off. He and his wife Mary, who met at their mutual first job at McDonald's, were both retired.

One day, John gets a call from his old boss asking if he will come in and drive a route. He then asked, "Which route?" to which boss reluctantly said, "It's the Sesame Street Bus, John."

"Oh no! That route is full of weirdos!" John replied, but his boss was insistent and begged, eventually offering pay double. John, with his anniversary approaching thought about getting Mary the earrings she always wanted and VERY reluctantly agreed.

John dreaded the route, and true to form, the weirdness began at his first stop. Two women that could easily be on my 600lb life boarded, each saying, "Hi, I'm Patty," before taking a seat.

Later a man boards and says, "Hi John. Nice of you to help your old boss, and I agree that Mary will love the earrings." John, perplexed, replied, "Do I know you?" The man looked at him and said," No, but I'm 'Special Ross.' I have ESP." He paused and added, "Your singing voice will come in handy later." John shook his head and continued on the route.

Later, another man boarded with bare feet. He sat behind John and began digging into the bunions on his feet. The harsh aroma of limburger began to fill the air. John said, "What the Hell?" The man smiled and said, "I'm Lester Cheese, man!" John didn't want trouble so he finished off his route.

When he got home, Mary asked him about his day. He was about to recount it and instead chuckled, remembering what 'Special Ross' had said. He replied, "It reminded of our first job." To this, Mary asked, "How?"

John then sung, "Well, I had two obese Patties, Special Ross, and Lester Cheese, picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus..."