Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

It is time for a two-fer before I disappear into the kitchen.  We're running low-ish on sandwich rolls and I'm really feeling like I need to make a fine Brioche so I can make some proper Barbecue Pork at dinner.  Between that and making more Dog Food, I'll have a busy day.

Oh and I simply didn't "get" the second one until I read it a couple times.  The spelling was atrocious even for US English, but it did make sense then.  This coming from a "Yank" who learned English from BBC World Service on Shortwave in my childhood home in New Jersey and was winning spelling bees all through elementary school.  

Meh, takes all kinds I guess, but education always shines through.



 

A rabbit goes into the job center and says have you got a job for a rabbit?

The manager says we haven't got any jobs for rabbits, and I don't think we'll ever have a job for a rabbit.

The rabbit says do you mind if I come in now and again to see if you've got jobs for rabbits? 
The manager says no problem come in whenever.

Well every morning at 10 o'clock the rabbit comes in and says have you got any jobs for rabbits? 
The manager says there's no jobs for rabbits, and there never will be.

A few days later an American comes into the job center wearing a Stetson looking very important. He says 'you got any rabbits looking for work?' 
The manager is amazed. He says there's a rabbit who comes through that door at 10am everyday who's looking for work. I'm sure he'll be interested.

Anyway next day at 10am the rabbit comes in. The manager says to him you won't believe this. It's finally happened. There's a man here looking for rabbits to employ. I didn't think this would ever happen but it has happened.

The rabbit says what's the job? The American says we're filming Watership Down on Palm Beach, and we're looking for rabbits, just like yourself, to play the parts.

The rabbit says "Acting? Piss off, I'm an electrician."





  The Wrong Profession

A Banker, an Architect, and a Tailor all make it onto a TV game show. The 3 contestants all need to cross a narrow beam that is raised high up into the air. Whoever of the 3 crosses the beam first, wins 1 million dollars. Slip or loose your balance, and you fall nearly 40ft into the water below.

The banker eyes things up then shrugs and says "ya know, honestly I already am a multimillionaire. I know a big risk when I see one so I'm out. I won't be attempting it."

It now moves onto the Architect who starts using their knowledge to think smart. They grab a spare piece of scaffolding, and ties 2 bricks on each end. Holding the pole as low as they can, the Architect was able to make their center of gravity below the balance beam, giving a significant advantage. They slowly and carefully start advancing towards the million dollar price fully aware at what is at stake.

The Tailor sees what the Architect is up to but hesitates and freezes desperately searching for a solution of what to do. As time slips away he sees the Architect moving closer and closer to the prize, realizing he likely cannot make it in time even with a perfect strategy. The Tailor sighs and lowers their head finally admitting, "I'm use to things hanging by a thread, but I just really don't think I'm cut out for this."

April Fools Day - Or Amateur Day. You Decide.

I mean really.

This is a day where everyone thinks up little jokes to play on friends.  They usually fall flat and someone gets their feelings hurt.

I usually do a lot of jokes myself.  In fact I drop a lot of what can be called "Dad Jokes" on the weekend.  All could be told in a high school class, most in an elementary school with some explanation I am sure. 

Hey! what can I say.   I do have a little story though.

I used to work with someone, Sam.  It was the nick he went by so I guess no real names were used.  Nice enough guy but he was an intense one.

Sam had a rapport with the five Ukrainian programmers we had on staff.  The ladies were all excellent and some were struggling with English.  

One, Inna, came to me completely frustrated with her English.  Flailing her hands around I waited for her to calm down.  Grasping those now still hands, I merely told her "Inna, No matter what, I will help you".  

She said that Sam was learning Russian Language obscenities and swearing all over the office.  She was deeply uncomfortable with it.  When I asked what he was saying, she blushed and insisted that she could not say it because it was so bad.

I said "Inna, I have an idea".  

"Teach me a word.  Something sounding rude in English but it should be very common or 'nice' for all audiences."  

I then explained that I will use this word at him, publicly and really get him all worked up, but she had to explain to the other ladies what is happening and since the one who is teaching him the rude words is out of the office for two weeks, we were going to play a prank on him.

I think I made a friend and an ally then with the plan.

For the next two weeks I was calling old Sammy a "Tsviatok".  That is what I remember the transliteration to be.  It means "Flower", and if spat out by an American, it sounded really rude.

The whole office did not know what was going on and any time Sammy started up, I would sound off "What is that little Tsviatok getting into now?!".

Everyone was aware that something was up.  

When asked, I would simply say "I like you too much to tell you, let's just keep it a secret."  That usually did enough to quiet the flames.

Eventually "Management" got involved.  I was called into a Closed Door Meeting.  I have caused Closed Door Meetings many times myself, I had a privileged place in the organization and was treated as Someone Who Will Be Promoted As Soon As We Can.

My direct managers asked me point blank and said this is becoming a problem.

When I told them the story and that it meant "Flower" the laugh was loud enough to be heard outside the closed doors.

The next day, I was in front of both managers, their boss, and Sammy.  Sammy said I know what that means!

I said "Sammy stop swearing, especially in front of the bosses!".

"It isn't a swear, it means Flower!" said Sammy.

I simply repeated what I said to the bosses in that closed door meeting.  I liked Sammy but I could see that he was really embarrassed at what happened and that most of the office was in on the joke by that point.  

It turned out that the person who he was most friendly in the five Ukrainian ladies, Slava, had clued him in that morning what was going on.  

So the trap got sprung and everyone knew what was up.

Remember though, keep it light.  Someone may be uncomfortable with your little prank.

I know Sammy was.

Someone threw a huge bottle of omega-3 pills at me but I only suffered super fish oil injuries

 Ducking the rain here today and dodging Red Blob Tinged Leopard Spots on the Radar.  South Florida is a Monsoon Climate.  It is dry for months then Wet Season hits and you can get washed.  It will help clear the duck waste from the side walks at least.

This is perfect for a Sunday, isn't it? 



Old Joke but classic

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "750" Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,.. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start with that again."

Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a fresh one for a quarter of the price?

 Ya know... I can't say I ever really gotten into Wine.  Port is an exception.  I use Port Wine for "reasons" but also to use it in the slow cooking of a fine roast is frankly, amazing.



I will keep an eye out for this kind of thing.  I'm off to do some large lazy circles around the giant gas bag that sits in a barn next to a golf course.  I'll let you know if I see anything Untowards....




A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. 

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. 

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. 

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

Soap Making. A Smaller Batch And Reformulated Recipe To Battle Dreaded Orange Spots

Recipe "after the jump".

I originally intended just to give the recipe so I have it available for later.  It turned into a narrative.  This is not an exhaustive set of instructions.  Standard Internet Warranty Applies - This is at your own risk, Ramblingmoose.com is not responsible if you rush through and miss a step or burn something with Lye.  I used this process a number of times and I have made my own soap for years.  It works for me!

After all, I sometimes run with scissors!



I have a cut down cereal box that works beautifully as a Soap Mold.  It will easily hold 50 ounces of soap with my old "Standard Recipe".  But dollar store brownie molds or old plastic yogurt containers work as well.  Plastic and Silicone for molds are what I recommend.

The problem was "Dreaded Orange Spots".  It happens when a host of issues effects your soap.  Old ingredients, Environmental problems, humidity attacking the soap.

I had made enough soap that friends had enough on hand and told me that they didn't need any.  I enjoy making the recipe, it reminds me of when I was in high school and got a 99.6% of theoretical return on my Chemistry lab experiments.

The teacher couldn't do it that well and just let me act like a teacher's aid in those classes.  Yes, I was a nerd, still am.  A Jock and a Nerd?  Go figure!

Anyway, this recipe has a few features.

1). It makes 10 bars of soap.  Regular sized soap in a mold.  See picture.  This way they will get shared, but not overwhelm my friends and family.

2). It is a little less Olive Oil, a little more Coconut Oil.  That will make it harden much faster and as such it won't sit on my dining room table for months absorbing everything in my house.  I was able to unmold and use that soap the next day.

3).  It was a fast warm process soap.  The batch went from liquid to "vanilla pudding" in under 4 minutes with the stick blender.  Saved my sanity.

4).  I think it is a little more astringent.  All soap I make has Shea Butter for moisturizing.  This is my preference.  Since my skin is dry, I wanted to tailor it to clean but not dry out my skin.  I do a lot of DIY on the car and my sports equiment.  Skate Bearings and Bicycle Chains get grease all over the place and I am constantly washing up.  This helps.

"Dreaded Orange Spots" or "DOS" happens in older soap.  I don't use preservatives so here in South Florida, it can be a problem.  The last two bars from my last personal batch were getting soft again from the humidity.  It was a couple wet weeks and I got the beginning of DOS.


So I made more.  With Cedar Oil.  I made the batch for myself, and I wanted Cedar.  My choice.


The disclaimer - Use at your own risk.  Lye can cause burns.  I know, it has burned my fingers before.  Use Proper Protection.  I use a stove hood that vents outdoors, rubber gloves, and I dispose of anything that comes in contact with full strength lye.  Plastic for caustic substances, stainless for the oils and soap, silicone or paper for molding the soap.  I use a large "waste" glass jar to mix ice water and Lye.  Making Soap makes dangerous chemicals and can make caustic gases.

But the recipe is nice.  I used my first bar this morning in the shower, and have since I made the stuff.  I rather like this recipe and will make more from it.  

Turns out the leading cause of dry skin is a towel.

 Spring has sprung for most of us.  Sunrise here in So Flo, will be in a half hour, 60F 15C and bright and sunny.  Going to 80F 26C and light winds.  

It's a day to get out and do large lazy circles around a big gas bag in a giant barn at the park.

I'm just embarrassed that I had to use software to convert degrees F to C because normally I "just do metric in my head".  

BLAH!!!!




I got a call from a scammer yesterday.

Me: “Hello.”

Scammer: (thick, heavy accent) “Hello. This is Tom Smith from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity coming from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

Scammer: “Oh yes, Madam. We have many reports.”

Me: “Oh, jeez. How can I fix it?”

Scammer: “It’s okay, Madam. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

Scammer: “Good, Madam. Please push the Start button.”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Now click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

Scammer: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

Scammer: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow. I didn’t realize it had a name.”

Scammer: “Yes, Madam. Now press Internet Options.”

Me: “I don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I bought that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

Scammer: “All devices have Internet, Madam. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “Okay. Same as before.”

Scammer: “That’s fine, Madam. We will restart your device. Please turn it off.”

Me: “Um… I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. It kind of just stays on.”

Scammer: “There must be an off button. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “I usually press the big button.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Press that button.”

Me: “Okay.”

Scammer: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

Scammer: “Door? Is there a disc inside?”

Me: “No. There’s a burrito.”

Scammer: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

Please don’t confuse my medical degree with your Google search.

 When I saw that topic, I thought, it is a perfect metaphor for modern life.  Think for yourself, educate yourself.  Learning did not stop when you left school.

It stopped when you watched Fox News.






Supernatural Tigress Learns English

A wise man took years and years to teach a supernatural Bengal tigress to speak English, just for fun. 

He sat her down in front of a TV and made her watch old shows until she got the language. A while later, she developed a strange habit: she would rip people’s muscles off their body and then magically reassemble the person good as new. 

Seems painful, but victims were fine with this because they were usually in better health afterwards.

The teacher ask why she thought it necessary to perform this harrowing task on so many people. She thought for a while, trying to figure out the right words, and finally said she saw a commercial about “The paws that refleshes”.







 Her ex, Tiger Woods joke.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Linux Mint is what I would recommend to someone who wants to Learn Linux.

I got into a conversation before dawn.  I do this frequently since I am up at stupid o'clock most mornings.  Rainy morning, wash out for my workout, so I was considering my options.

My friend was telling me about someone she knew who was thrashing around with some technology.  I have seen this happen before, but this time he was rattling my cage with something I had done myself.

The process of learning Linux.

The normal response is "Just install it and use it" but that is way too oversimplified.

I don't use windows.  I have a Mac and don't use it either.  I would welcome a Mac but I would install Linux on it and be frustrated because the keys are "non standard" and the mouse or trackpad only has one button.  

Meh, I'd adapt.  Got one gathering dust?  I can haz Mac?  Oooh! Gimme! K Thx Bai!

:)

While I love new hardware and pretty machines, my newest computer is 5 years old and counting and I don't "need" one.  But, thanks for asking!

He got deep into Raspberry Pi and is frustrated by the limitations of the platform.  Size/Performance/Add-On Prices.  And so forth.

I suggested what I suggest all the time.  At this point in history you probably have an "Old Computer" gathering dust in the closet.  Many people don't know what to do with it because it has "old data" on it and don't know how to destroy that data.

Use Your Old Computer.

That old computer, unless it is truly old, should be enough to learn on.  Let's say 10 years old or newer.  i3/i5/i7 with 4GB memory and at least 50GB of disk space.  Pretty modest specifications right?  

Windows has a lot of "phone home" issues that take up some of that processor.  There are also a lot of machines that are at "end of life" according to Microsoft.  You can't install Windows 11 on it because of "reasons".  Nobody wants ads anywhere, let alone in a start menu that you are forced to use because some dolt decided "It's Betterer!".

Basically "reasons" are something called TPM that is a low level piece of firmware in the computer.  I won't go into details, it just flags the computer of not being worthy of upgrade because it doesn't have the latest version.

So with that old computer why not try Linux on that?

There is another way to do this.

Use A Live Version Of Linux.

I'm easing into the bits and bytes of how to go about this because I'm being conversational, why not, it's my blog and I have the space to do so.

But.

A Live Version of Linux is something you probably don't have a lot of experience with if you are a Windows or Mac user.

It basically is a clean and complete version of the operating system that will run on your computer without using the disc drive.  A Live Version will allow you to "look around" your computer.  If you can't use this computer with this Live Version, you will find out quickly.  

Some live distributions even have something called persistence that will allow you to take your computer with you on a USB Stick and create data permanently.  Tails is one that is specifically designed for this purpose but I do not recommend this for a learner.  Tails is also for the more paranoid of us out there or who are traveling in places where they may lose their computer hardware.

Most of the software you will need to do your daily tasks will be available.  Most of the drivers for your older hardware will be available.  If you find something missing, it is on you to find a version that works.

However, the one I would recommend is a Distribution of Linux Mint.  

Let me unpack that a little.  Linux comes as a free download from a group who supports and puts the operating system together so that you can use it, freely.  That would be a basic and hopefully not vague description of a "Linux Distribution".  We typically call that a "Distro" but that's jargon, even if I do use that word myself.

Linux Mint is a specific Distribution.  It's well supported.  If it works with your computer, it will be a well prepared software suite.  It should talk to your hardware, give you a browser, have an office suite, and look familiar enough for you to at least get your toes wet.

Importantly that this is geared for ease of use.  It is designed to be familiar enough to anyone who uses a computer at all to be able to stumble around and do real work on it with very minimal help.  It also has a huge library of software that you can explore.

Remember, Linux is Free and Open Source, so you can do what you like with it, generally.  Office Productivity, Gaming, Internet, surfing, all the "normal stuff".

Another thing to consider is that there are different looks that you can have with Linux.  If you are coming from Mac or Windows, there is one look.  Mac looks very similar to the way it has for years and has evolved but kept that look.  Windows is more variable from version to version.  

Linux has many looks from the old command line, to some that look like Mac, others like Windows.  It all depends on how much "shine" and "Eye Candy" you want in your computing experience.

Since this discussion is about basics and getting a look into this thing on old computers, I suggest what I use.  It's called XFCE.  Everything is "there", and it is one of the quicker software suites.  Everything you need to do what you really need to get done and I haven't found much missing.

There is also KDE but since Linux Mint does not have a Distro bundled with it directly, that discussion is for a different time.

XFCE looks familiar and is designed to be fast and "light".  It also is a bit dated in the default look but can be dressed up greatly.  I have seen it modified to look like Windows 7 and otherwise to look like a Mac.  I use it lightly modified and have for about 20 years as such.  It looks "Comfortable to me".

The general process is for you to grab a large downloaded file called an ISO and place it on a suitable USB stick with specific software, then start your computer (or Boot it) from that.  

In order to boot my computer from a USB stick, I have to hit "F12" when I turn the computer on, but there are other keys to hit at power up such as enter or "F1".  

While that is a list of the general process, you need a few things.

A USB Stick that is clear of data and of a reasonable size of 8GB or more.

The file that you downloaded.  That is something that ends with a .ISO extension and will be fairly large.  This page is for the current download list of sites that have the current version of Linux Mint XFCE.  You will need to choose the location of one that is appropriate for where you live.

The link here will start the download directly.  The file was called linuxmint-22.3-xfce-64bit.iso and was 2.8 GB.

Finally a piece of software to get all that data onto that USB Stick correctly.  The software will write out to the USB Stick in a way to create it as a "Bootable Drive".  In other words, it will make it so that you can run that USB Stick as your computer's operating system and not disturb what sits on the hard drive currently.

I tested the process on a machine that I would prefer it not destroy the data, and it did not harm my installed software - it was live.

But you do have to get software.

Linux Mint suggests a program called "Etcher" but there are others such as "unetbootin".  Both are free, and will run on Windows/Mac/Linux.  Pick one. 

Etcher will burn or copy any ISO to either a USB Stick or a DVD/CD.  I haven't used a DVD or a CD in years, so stick with the USB Stick.

unetbootin is a little more specific.  If you have an ISO it will burn or copy the file out to your USB Stick.  If you don't have the ISO, it will fetch one from a list for you and burn it to the USB Stick.  

Slightly different, both work on Windows/Mac/Linux.

Once it is on your stick, boot from that stick and wait for your operating system to show up.  Mine took a little bit longer than expected because my laptop battery was dead.  I think the battery needs to be replaced.  

Linux Mint has some documentation on how to do the entire process, and while it is complete, it is implying that you are going to install on the actual hard drive.  In my case I'm not going quite that far.

At this point, you have burned your USB Stick, and booted from it.  You should see the Linux Mint Desktop with the green LM Logo in the middle.  You are now in a Live Linux session.  Poke around and familiarize yourself with what you have been presented with.  

At the lower left is your start menu of applications to explore.  The only icon on the desktop at this point was an icon to "Install To Computer".  If you are happy with the way everything works, go for it.  The steps to install are not too complex.  This will erase your hard drive and place a fresh copy of Linux Mint on your hardware.

It does look like Windows 7 doesn't it?  I rather like what they did with the default look of XFCE which can be a bit too much like Windows XP sometimes.

During the time that I install any copy of Linux I do a few things.

I create a swap partition equal to the size of my memory.  This will allow me to hibernate the computer.  There may or may not be extra steps to enable this, different distributions will enable hibernate, others do not.

I always encrypt the hard drive.  Always.  Using a complex password.  If someone breaks in and steals your computer, they will not steal your data.  Up yours, thief!

I set the computer up to log in as myself directly once the encryption password has been given.  In an environment where more than one person are using the computer, this is not for the best.  Linux assumes more than one will be able to use the computer if you set it up later for it.  This all is a part of the installation process but can be added later.

At any case, Linux Mint will allow you to get exposed to Linux as a rule.  It is based on Ubuntu or Debian depending on the version.  As such there is a huge amount of help available on the subject.  

Debian is known to be one of the most stable versions of Linux available.  It is what I use, but for someone getting exposed to Linux, it is a bit advanced.

Ubuntu is not my first choice because it is subject to Corporate Realities.  They come along with some things like Snap, which adds complexities to the operating system and slow it down.  

Whichever Linux you have, it is compatible with your goals and has a lot of opportunities for learning.

Now, if someone would make an affordable Linux Phone and show me how to get my sports stats off of my sport watch, I would be very interested.  The integration is the problem there, and I am way too active not to have them.

Don’t throw false teeth at your vehicle. You might denture your car.

Some people just need to take a pause and listen.  Almost always it helps the outcome.





 Lawyer and Farmer

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?!”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

“I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

“Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

“Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?””

I bought a self-help book called “How to Accept Rejection.” They didn’t ship it.

 I mean I am waiting on a delivery today.  The dog will announce it when it gets here along with every delivery truck that rumbles down the block.

Rack! No!  Stop!




Polar bears

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: "Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?"

"Of course, son" replied the father. "you are 100 percent polar bear"

A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: "Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?"

The father put a loving paw on the son's head. "Son," he said "I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear."

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: "Look, Dad, I don't want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?"

By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: "Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?"

The cub replied: "Because I'm freezing!!!"

Recipe - Make Plain Yogurt In The Microwave

I'll keep my lecturing to the end and keep it brief.

If you buy Yogurt, consider making your own.  You can do it simply and quickly.  If you use a microwave to warm the milk, your favorite pre-school child could do it.

Ingredients

"Seed Yogurt".   Always buy yogurt with live cultures.  It's better for you anyway.  Yogurt will grow from old yogurt. Plain yogurt of your favorite brand.  Sugar free and unflavored.

Sugar.  Common table sugar.  About a tablespoon per quart will do nicely.

Milk.  I typically get 2% but I have done this from powdered milk and from whole milk.  Your choice.


Instructions

Keep in mind, this could always fail and your container could end up being a container of spoiled milk.  Check it every 12 hours or so.  It should smell like yogurt, not like the dumpster behind the dairy.

Find yourself a very clean jar to make this in.  I use a quart mason jar but you can use anything else that is appropriately sized.  It should have a lid and fit in the microwave.  I have a gallon of the stuff brewing in my kitchen right now.

Put that jar in the microwave and warm the milk to 90-100F or 35-39C.

Add a tablespoon of common sugar per quart.

Check the temperature of the milk to make sure it really is in that temperature band.  Too hot or too cold and you will kill the seed yogurt. 

Add 2 ounces, 56g of yogurt to the quart jar.

Stir vigorously and cover the jar.

Allow the yogurt to brew for about 48 hours.  This should be done in a warm room or any appropriately warm place like in the oven with the light on.  My kitchen was 76F/26C.  

After 48 hours, check your yogurt.  It should have jelled and taste tart.

Refrigerate and eat promptly as you would any other plain yogurt.  I have 4 ounces of plain yogurt with an ounce of (mango) jelly, a half teaspoon of lime juice, and a packet of sweetener (saccharine).


Semi-Comedic Back Story.  Once upon a time, I worked with Sue.  She should have been named "Karen" because she sat across from me and complained about everything.  I mean constantly.  One day I brought in for lunch some yogurt I had found at an ethnic grocery.  Mango, since I truly enjoy them and am looking forward to Mango Lassi Season.

Sue saw that and made the comment "You do know you could make it yourself, don't you?".  

Despite her being a bit snide about the way she said it, she was right.  I basically used the process she described and have been doing so the majority of my life.

Sue may have been a Karen, but she was right about the Yogurt.  

Oh and if you really want flavor and your on-hand jelly isn't your favorite, I put some Tang in it today and ended up with a Creamsicle.  Helps to have (big) kids around sometimes.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's a bit time consuming, especially if you have seconds.

Check your clocks.  It was Spring Ahead weekend here in the US and most of North America who follow this silly practice.

Just pick one, Savings Time or Standard Time.  Stick with it.  I'm already up too early and I don't think I ever adjusted to the time change last time.



What's the best joke you've ever heard?


A teacher asked her class to tell a story with a moral. One of the kids explained how her parents asked her to help in the kitchen, resulting in the food being ready much quicker- the moral being “many hands make light work”. Little Johnny piped up and told a story about his grandad when he saw active service in the military:

“He was in a trench, all his comrades were dead and he was surrounded by the enemy. He decided that the end was coming, so opened his flask of whiskey and downed it in one. After half an hour, nothing had happened, so grandad cocked his rifle, took the grenades from his dead friends and ran over the top, throwing grenades and shooting. When his bullets were all gone, he took the bayonet off and killed every remaining soldier.”

“Well Johnny, that’s some story, but I’m struggling to understand the moral”.

“It’s pretty simple. You don’t mess with my granddad if he’s had a drink”.

I have a music joke, but you'll lose track.

 Sitting here listening to a track from the Disco Station when there were such a thing being broadcast on the air.  

Yes, I still listen to Classic Disco.  It is incredibly good at helping my workouts.  Even if it is not "fashionable", the 120 or so beats per minute are good with keeping me moving.  There are quite a few internet radio stations out there for whatever format you like.  Even (yuck) Classic Rock and the Hair Band Era.

But, of course, you do you.  Just remember if I am in the car, I'm going to control the radio.



 A politician visits a remote Native American community.

With news crews following him around as they tour the place, he asks the chief if there was anything the people need.

"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

The politician whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"

"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, the politician dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"

"We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.

Do I Wait For Bike Parts Or Do I Tear It Down Yet Again? Both. A Sarcastic Look At Bike Repair.

I'm learning.  Some of the tech in my bicycle are truly old school for me.  I am used to a certain way of rebuilding a wheel bearing - you don't.  You clean the thing and when it gets noisy or slow, you pop the thing out and pop in a new one.

That is how it is done on an inline skate.  Bearings are a known quantity, and you can get them for about $1 a piece or less in bulk these days.  While you get what you pay for, the little steel donuts snap into the plastic wheel easily.

A bicycle wheel hub bearing, in my case, is a Cup And Ball affair.  You have to have specialized tools to get at the bearing because the whole thing is held in place by a washer against the balls.  A nut that is tightened against a second nut will brace it all together.

There are other variations on this theme that are more like my inline skates, and if these wheels did use those "608RS" bearings, I would know how to manage it.

I was warned to make sure that the wheel had an axle that was straight by rolling across a flat surface and make sure that I knew how far down the threads the two nuts were on the axle.  

Luckily I did have the presence of mind to count the number of turns to remove the one side.  

The whole two nut method seems a bit janky to me.  First a washer is threaded on the axle.  Then the first nut is spun onto the threads on the axle to a specific depth (hence the measurements in what had to be millimeters).  A second nut is spun on the axle until it makes contact to the first one.  The affair will work but you have to tighten the second nut with one wrench while the first one is held in place with a "Cup Wrench".  That wrench is a thinner one, in my case it was a 15 MM wrench from pressed steel.

Now to remove all of this, you have to use that Cup Wrench to hold the first nut and loosen the second (outer) nut.  This is all done with the wheel off of the bike preferably on a workbench and not in my kitchen sink.  Like I did.  

Because once you remove that first pair, your axle will drop into the sink and the old balls will disappear down the drains.  Luckily I was smart enough to line the sink with parchment paper and place a screen in the drain to catch the errant bearings.

Now that you lost one or two of the balls, or more, you are swearing at the Gods of the Sport that you hate this process and you understand why your local trusted Bike Shop charges you a $35 "Inspection charge". 

Get that paper towel you have over in the corner by the toaster oven, since you did decide that you didn't want to clear off the workbench when you used it to rebuild the sprinkler heads back in 2019, and are using the kitchen sink.

We did warn you not to do that didn't we?  Oh well, make the best of it just don't let anyone know you are using up the parchment paper.  If you do, you will have to get more if you ever want any more home baked goods.

While you are at it make sure you have your rubber gloves on.  The ones that you had during Lockdown from a couple years back will work if they haven't melted into a blue gummy mess.

Wipe out all the old balls from the cup.  Squirt the grease into the cup when it is cleaned with new lithium grease.  No, not the same ones you used in 2009 to grease the jalousie windows on the house, that stuff is dried out or spoiled.  Go to the auto parts store and get the new tube.  It's under $20 and will last forever.  Look for the NGLI #2 rating.

Don't put too much of the stuff on because you really only need enough to line the cup and hold the new balls in place.  Oh right, you did get new balls didn't you?  You didn't? Too bad.  Go online, you will probably want 1/4 inch balls to go in the wheel but luckily all this stuff is cheap.  If you can't wait, go to the nearest big Bike Shop and beg for at least 20 bearings per wheel.

Now that your bike is unusable because you don't have all the crap you need to put it back together, go have a beer and wait for the delivery truck.  Those Sports Gods?  They are really ticking you off by now.

Ok, so days later the truck arrives with your balls.  All 200 of them for cheap.  You will need about 9 of them per side.  The ones that fell down your sink trap are not needed except since you're replacing the darn things you need to count all that stuff out.

Your axle has the two nuts in place retaining the washer.  Squirt a moderate amount of grease into the cup.  Place the 9 (or so) balls into the grease.  Swear at the Sport Gods since you dropped one or more into an inaccessible place in the wheel or down the drain.  You didn't clean off your workbench again, and you are annoyed because you are running low on parchment paper.  Use an old shopping bag for now.

You do need a lot of help don't you?

Once you get the balls in place, and there are a lot of them, gingerly thread that axle through to the opposite side keeping the balls from falling down the sink or into your wheel hub.  Pull the axle through to make contact with the balls and you can safely flip the wheel to begin the process on the other side.  At this point I set the bike on the paper on the counter to hold the balls in the wheel.  It made it easier to do the second side.

Repeat your work squirting the lithium grease in the cup, and setting the new bearings in place.  Once all that is done, you can put the washer down the axle and then the two nuts.

You remember going nuts, right?  Spin the first one against the washer but not too tight because you will bind your wheel up.  If it is too loose it will rattle against the axle and you will not have a smooth ride - or worse.  Catastrophic failure of a wheel hub will give you a bad time.  Just ask my Orthopedic Surgeon.  He said my shoulders paid for his new BMW.

After all this is done you put the second nut on that side.  Using the famed Cup wrench, hold the first nut in place, then tighten the second nut in to hold the first one.  

Mind you, all of this has to be done to the same measurements you had before.  You wrote all this information down as you were working on it right?

I didn't think so.  

Now you are considering why you ride a bike in your adulthood in the first place, have grease all over your good T-Shirt and pants, and are swearing that the Sport Gods are really just out to get you.

But if you have done all this work correctly, the axle will not be too tight, it will not rattle when moved up and down or in and out, and you can spin the whole wheel like a gyroscope.

Now that you have done all of this, you have to realize I was talking about the front wheel.  The back one?  Let me tell you, Friend, you need a specialized tool to take the gearset off the back wheel.  You use a crescent wrench with a breaker bar and a hammer to loosen the thing as well as that tool.

Just button the stuff up and take it to the bike shop if you aren't feeling confident. 

In my case I am still waiting for the delivery truck.  There is a new gearset coming since the first one was a "Freehub" and not a "Freewheel" like I need.

Oh?  You are asking what is the difference?  Well that is the $14 question since I got the wrong type for the bike I have.

Freewheel has a ratchet on the inside of the gearset.  If you spin it it will make that ticking sound but it will not come off the gearset once you remove that from the bike.  Or, at least it didn't when I tried.  I did not have the best luck with this.

Freehub has the ratchet assembly on the hub of the wheel.  Your gearset will not have any moving parts.

So have I convinced you not to do this work?  I will say that after all is said and done, my parts are arriving tomorrow after my three time a week marathon on the bike.  I'll be installing it this weekend while my "Support Team" is in Sarasota Florida.  Lucky Them.

You have a decision to make.  It really isn't as bad as it sounds, and I am just a little bit cynical about it all.  I am very picky about having wheels that will swing like a pendulum when they are hanging on a bike rack.  A very light touch and they should spin freely like that.  Any noises mean it is energy that you are putting into the sport that is going to waste.

So yes, I'm a bit of a perfectionist.  Why not?  

If you will excuse me, I have a workout to squeeze in before the trials of the day begin.  Do what you have to to get a good workout on the trails, no matter your sport.

I have a biology joke but it doesn't fly.

I was watching an old Laugh In show somewhere on the web and Joanne Worley was shouting at the camera "Was that a chicken joke?".

In this case, yes.  Yes, it is.




 Harold got real drunk one night, Ubered home, and snuck in bed beside his wife…

He woke up at the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Harold."

Harold was stunned. "I died? That can’t be right! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!”

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as by being reincarnated as a chicken."

Harold wasn’t thrilled, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his house. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strutted past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad,"replied Harold the Hen, but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode."

"That‘s an egg, explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," said Harold.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," said the rooster" It's not a big deal."

Harold did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell... "HAROLD WAKE UP. YOU SOILED THE BED!"

I never knew a nuclear reactor joke would cause so much fallout

I'm reading this thinking I have not been in a bar in about 2 or 3 years.  On the other hand, I did rescue a little "Half Dollar" sized turtle from my porch this morning.  Silly critter is now in my front garden doing "turtle things".  

I think Splinter will approve.



Con Man, Conned

I was heading toward my usual bar on a freezing afternoon. The kind of cold that makes most people curl into themselves and grip their coats tight. I didn’t mind. When you’ve spent twenty years running cons, you learn how to read a room before you ever walk inside it. I was already thinking about who I’d charm first, who looked loose with their money, who might be good for a drink or two and a story I could use against them later.

Then I saw him.

An old man sat hunched beside a pothole full of cloudy rainwater. His jacket looked thinner than the wind itself, and his hands trembled around a fishing rod with its line hanging into that miserable puddle. The whole scene felt so lonesome and cold that it made something in me slow down.

I walked over and softened my voice. I may be a con man, but I’m not heartless. I told him he’d freeze out there and invited him inside, offering a drink to warm him up. He nodded and followed me in without a word.

We found a small table with worn edges and a bit of wobble. The heat from the bar softened the sting of the cold. I ordered two double whiskeys, leaned back, and let myself settle into that familiar confidence. The old man wasn’t a mark. Just someone I’d helped on my way to the real work.

Still, curiosity got the better of me.

I asked him gently how the fishing was going, how many he’d caught after sitting out there so long. He lifted his glass, took a slow sip, and in that moment I noticed something subtle shift in his face. His eyes. They weren’t foggy or lost. They were clear. Sharp. Focused in a way that made the back of my neck tighten.

He set the glass down with a small tap on the table, looked directly at me, and in a tone so calm it almost felt like a whisper, said:

"You're the eighth."

Honeybells in the Driveway. A Very Florida Way To Have An Orange

Once upon a time, I was a Snowbird.  

Yes, I am sorry, one of those people.  I would fly to Florida and bask in the sun for a few weeks.  Then I would fly back and have stories to tell about a vacation.

I did that for years before I moved here.  I never really did like the cold weather.  Cold Weather went from being something that happened, to something that I dreaded.  The day I left Pennsylvania, April 11 2006, there was still snow on the ground.  A late snow for Philadelphia, but still snow.

I hope never to live in a place with snow on the ground.

My preferred way of getting there was driving the car.  It gave me freedom of motion, and freedom from planning.

Plus flying meant airports, airports and the whole ritual of getting in the air is about as close to hell on earth as I can conceive of.  Even being in rush hour traffic is preferable.

It also allowed me to stop and look around.  After all, the drive for me was a two day affair.  I'm good with long drives, but you do have to get out from time to time.

Stopping midway down the coast one time I discovered a distinctly Florida fruit.  Honeybells.  Specifically Honeybell Oranges.  They were similar to a Tangelo, but those were nowhere near as sweet.  A leathery skin, very moist, very sweet.  Candy like, the name Honeybell fit well.  

The locals turned me onto the things.  They would speak in loving terms about these with pride.  Good Years they were everywhere.  There was a farmer's market on the way that I would always stop at and get a big bag of them.  Both directions actually, one for while I was in Florida, one for home.  

My family and friends got wind of them and insisted on my getting them some when I could.

One of the first things I did when I moved here, and into my house, was to find a Honeybell tree and plant it in a bad spot near the car port.  It's too hot there, too dry, and the tree struggled to put any fruit out, usually giving up at about 3 oranges.

A couple years back, news came out that Florida Citrus had Canker.  I didn't know it, but that was the end of finding these fruit widely.  My own tree did not have the canker, as that picture is about as perfect an Orange as I could find at any point.

But the days of wedging a heavy half bushel bag on each side of the Jeep's wheel well was done.  I wasn't driving, and the fruit just wasn't available.

This year's three little oranges was about as much as I could find.  I have had two of three and they were wonderful.  Since Citrus does not ripen off the trees, as my Mangoes do, I am allowing the last one a little more time.

My mistreated tree was doing me well.  I picked the first, and walked to the driveway.  Peeling the leathery skin and setting bits on the bumper of the Jeep, I was able to taste that same wonderful taste from days gone by.

They just are not available, you just won't be able to have one unless you know someone with a tree.  When canker swept Florida, "They" - the state or the USDA or both, paid the owners to cut down their trees.  Mine was planted after the canker.  

There is just one orange left.  I'll have it sitting on the bumper of the Jeep, leaving a sloppy puddle of juice on the cement behind the car.  Or maybe, better, indoors on a plate.  That way I can catch that sweet nectar.

They really are that good.  Too bad you will probably never have one.
You see, I used to have a place I could go.  I knew a guy who could get me "B" fruit.  Oh it ate well but was not "Gift" quality.

But no longer.  That is quite the shame.  A bit of old Florida sweetness gone by the wayside.

Let me tell you, one year, I made the trip on a big old motorcycle.  Honda Goldwing Interstate.  When you get to middle of the coast, say Indian River county, and the trees were in bloom, your ride would be perfumed by millions of Orange Blossoms.  Having a big bag of oranges strapped to the back of that bike added some weight but the pay off of the snack on the road was worth it.

Sorry I'm Late, I was stuck at an Acupuncture conference.

Three NHL coaches are waiting outside the delivery unit as their wives are all in labor.

After many hours, a nurse comes out to see the first coach.

"Your wife just finished giving birth! Both she and the baby are fine! A healthy baby boy!" the nurse said. "But... I've never seen a baby like yours..."

"What do you mean?" the coach asked.

"Well," the nurse replied, "your son growled and clawed at us like a... like a wild cat..."

When the coach heard this, they chuckled before replying,

"Well, that makes sense! After all, I work for the Florida Panthers!"

The husband then follows the nurse to see their wife and son, and after a while they come out to see the second coach.

"I'm so happy to tell you that your wife had a beautiful daughter! Yet her behaviour is also... very peculiar..."

"How so?" the coach asked.

"Well, you see," the nurse became hesitant to reply, "they started... quacking... almost like they were-"

"A duck?" the coach interrupted.

"Well... Yes..." the nurse confirmed.

The coach could only laugh in response.

"Well what do you know?!" they beamed. "She really is the daughter of the coach of the Anaheim Ducks!"

But while the second coach was gleeful, the third coach was white in the face, and immediately began to rush out of the delivery unit.

"Where you do think you're going?" the nurse asked.

"To call an exorcist!" the third coach yelled out. "I'm the coach of the New Jersey Devils!"

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

I have to say that no matter how healthy you are, there are always reasons why things might be a bit odd.  I have had two visits with doctors this week and while they are all amazed at the level of fitness through cardio I have achieved, there is always something that they want to tweak.

One said "Get More Protein".  
I am already at 90g per day.  1g per ideal body weight in Kg.
More.  You will be fine, just get more.
Ok Doc!  I'll find a cow to gnaw on before the next check up!



 A man and his wife visited their doctor for a checkup.

The doctor wanted to examine the old man first. After examining him, the doctor said, "I'm surprised—you're in such excellent health!"

The old man replied, "I attribute it to my good and clean life." "Your good and clean life?" "Yes," said the old man. "I have lived such a good and clean life, the Lord Himself turns the light on for me when I use the bathroom—and the Lord Himself turns the light off for me when I leave."

"The Lord Himself did this?" the doctor asked. "Yes," insisted the old man.

The doctor nodded politely and said, "I will need to examine your wife next." The old man nodded and left the room.

The doctor then examined the wife. After completing his examination, he said, "You are in excellent health." "How is my husband?" the wife asked.

"Physically, he's fine," the doctor replied, "but I'm worried about his mental health." "Why?" the wife asked.

"He insists the Lord Himself turns the light on for him when he uses the bathroom—and the Lord Himself turns the light off when he leaves.

"The wife shouted, "My God! The damn fool is peeing in the fridge!"

Testing The New Bike Computer Means You Are Never Sure

Athletes.  Once you get to a certain level, you get quite a bit of OCD.

I found that I am always trying to compare where I am today to where I was yesterday.  Or the last workout, at the very least.

The problem is the old saying:  The man with one clock knows the time, the man with two never is really sure.

Or woman.  I know plenty of woman athletes that are serious about their chosen sport.  

At any rate, I got into that OCD problem a long time back.  I have always, always counted my distance on inline skates.  If I ever get to the point where I am no longer scared about being on the contraptions, I will finish my lifetime goal of approximately the distance of once around the world on skates at the equator.  Adding a few miles for "sloppy accounting", I figure that 25,000 miles will be hit soon.

If I ever get back on them.  The problem is that I fell on my skates twice, hard.  I don't have any more Clavicles to give for the sport.

The fall I took on the bike when a "tourist" came into my lane and knocked me off convinced me that Sports are really just a matter of finding a level of pain you can tolerate and staying just below that.

My Orthopedic Surgeon attributes my falls to his being able to get a new luxury car.

I have always been into Biometrics - the practice of measuring performance in a way that you can compare your current ability to your prior ability.

You know, "How well did I do today?"

On a bike, it's done through a gadget you mount on the bike and measure distance.  

Once you have distance, you have speed since a clock is easy to bring along.  

GPS plotting on a map gives you where you were.

There are now a whole host of things you can add to the process.  I measure heart rate from start to finish.  My software reads my monitor and talks to me verbally.  I try for a specific heart rate and can tell when I am in need of a rest.  I get an average speed and instantaneous speed.  I know that at my break on the bike, I expect to have an average of 14 MPH plus a little bit, an average heart rate of 150 plus BPM.  Peak speed is usually in the high teens but it has gone over 20 MPH.  If I am feeling feisty, all of those numbers increase.  Winds in the wrong direction and all bets are off.

But this disposable electronics mindset we have means I strive for redundancy.  Best two-out-of-three to determine what the "real" distance is.

It can be frustrating.  You can't take a scientific approach to something that is being measured by consumer grade electronics.

The old bike computer agreed completely with the sport watch, both this watch and the one before it.  They all run GPS.

The software on the iphone is wildly inaccurate so I use it as a verbal report of running Heart Rate, only.  

Distance on the phone at the end of a workout can be off by one mile with a basis of 27 miles.

The watch and the bike computer are within feet of each other.

Throw in the new bike computer and now we're never really sure.

The problem with all of this is that the bike computer is about as accurate as it will get for distance.  The new one is a little off from the distance.

New bike computer has a new processor so it gets more accurate readings from GPS so all the math is thrown off.  It is faster, so speed changes more frequently on the display.

If I could replace the battery in the old bike computer I would have been happy to crack the thing open and solder in a new battery.  Lithium "Pillow" Batteries are sold based on physical size. "Length, Width, Height."  My own electronics skills would be sufficient to repair and replace, but the little white bike computer is so tightly welded together that ... "E Waste" would result.

Why I am going to put up with the inaccuracy of the new bike computer is that I am not competition class on the bike, and do not intend to be.  Having records of my performance are great, but do not need to be perfect for anyone but myself.

Sorry, Guinness Book Of Records, I won't be inviting myself in.  My spreadsheet is sufficient for my purposes of record keeping.

All of this is to say that if you are depending on what the little box on the handlebars of your bike, or what your sport watch is reporting back to you, you are going to be frustrated. It just is not that accurate.

At least the case of the new bike computer can be opened with a tiny screwdriver.  I have those.  I have taken many things apart that I should not.  

With varied results.  When things break here, E Waste is the kindest thing you can call it.

Any pan can be non-stick if you non-cook in it.

 I know way too many people with that attitude.  Come on, explore the kitchen, after all you are paying a lot of money to have one!





A cat dies and goes to heaven

When she gets there, she gets met at the Pearly Gates by God. God says to the cat "You have been a good, faithful, loyal cat, all of your life. I wish to reward this...is there anything you would like to make heaven more comfortable for you?

The cat thinks for one minute, then says "Well, I know it isn't much, but I spent all of my life on a farm. When it came time to sleep, I had to curl up on a hard wooden floor. A comfortable pillow would be nice." God looks at the cat, and says "So you shall have a pillow. A nice, comfortable, fluffy pillow."

Several days go by, and a group of 6 mice die in a horrible accident. God, again meeting them at the Pearly Gates, decides to offer them the same deal as the cat. When asked what they would like, the mice respond "Well, we have spent all of our lives, running. Running from cats, running from dogs, running from humans with brooms. A little pair of roller skates would be so nice, as we wouldn't have to run anymore." God thinks about it, and says "So you shall have your roller skates."

It has been a week, so God decides to check in on the cat. He finds the cat all curled up, fast asleep, on a nice big fluffy pillow. God gently wakes the cat, and asks the cat how everything is. The cat responds "Oh, everything has been perfect. This pillow is so soft and fluffy, I have been so comfortable...oh, and I especially like the meals on wheels that you have been sending me. 

The worst part about being sober is knowing what is going on.

 I'm waiting on a delivery of some Oolong Tea.  I have had a very strong preference for this particular brew since I was a child and was introduced to it.

Diane, you are gone but you taught me years ago to appreciate good Chinese Cuisine and this Tea is a part of it.

Besides, getting a good price on a half kilo of Ti Guan Yin Iron Goddess of Mercy is well worth the wait.  $14.50 delivered for a 500g bag?  Yoink!

Don't you  just love the names they put on that stuff?  Sea Dyke Brand?  Iron Goddess of Mercy?

Since I am talking about shopping, I have to make a list!




 
I was just heading out to the shops when my wife asked if I could do one or two things.

"Sure," I said, "what do you need?"

"We're all out of canned soup, and I want a cauliflower to go with the roast tonight. Oh, and can you drop into Curry's and confirm the delivery time on the new refrigerator?"

"Yes, no problem. Anything else?"

"Oh, and I need a reel of elastic for the mending I was going to do. The supermarket stuff is good enough. And while you're there, I need eggs for baking -- oh, peas. I want peas as well as cauliflower. All OK?"

"Yes, sure."

"And," she added, "you're running low on those chlorophyll tablets for your bad breath. You'd better stop by the pharmacy."

"Right," I said, "so that's... Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."

Bees In The Milkweed - Settle Down Ladies, There Is Enough For All!

 

I always have to remember to take my camera with me where I go.

For some reason, Winter probably, the Monarchs have left one particular pot of Milkweed alone.

I grow the stuff constantly.  The Monarchs never allow it to get to this stage.  It is usually eaten down to sticks by caterpillars.

This is a surprise.  But there is a good chance that some little black and yellow thread will show up and my entertainment will vanish in a flurry of crunches.

In South Florida you generally don't want to have indoor plants.   It just creates an environment for you to have indoor bugs.  I had a lot of plants inside when I was in Pennsylvania, but I could get away with it.  Here, I have to have the house turned into a circus tent and pumped full of evil deadly gas periodically to get rid of termites.  

You either have termites or you will have them.  It is just a matter of time.

So far we have not seen any.

This is all a rather nice surprise.  I have milkweed that I plant specifically for my Monarchs to munch.  But having the flowers is a rare treat.

Have at them Ladies, plenty for you.

I will say that I never got over my childhood fear of bees so I took the photo feeling brave and from a bit of a distance.

I’m not a scientist, but I’m sitting on an Ottoman joke.

Getting prepared an hour before dawn to go to the park for a 2 hour bike ride.  I get to get in the big iron thing and drive the Jeep past various places chock full of caffeine which makes me a bit more "aggro" than I should but hey, at least I get to see the pretty buildings and churches along the way.

Oh and it made me think of this one that someone sent to me.  ;-)


  

A man dies and is sent to hell

Once there, he can‘t believe his eyes.

It’s way different than expected, it looks like a Wellness-Oasis in a beautiful landscape.

While exploring, he hears music playing, sees people having fun, dacing with each other, some are relaxing at a pool…

There‘s a casino, alcohol, nudity- it seems like everyone here is having a great time.

As he walks a bit further into hell, he sees a massive wall with a small window in it. He looks through it and in horror, sees what he thought hell would actually be like.

Tormented souls burning up in a lake of lava, screams of agony. Ugly, colossal demons sadistically and gleefully ripping bodies apart.

The man, now deeply disturbed and afraid seeks out the devil.

Once found, he asks him: Satan, I appreciate how comfortable and beautiful it is here but what about those poor people behind that wall there?

“Oh, those are the catholics, they wanted it that way.“

If I was a superhero I'd be known as Typo Man. I write all the wrongs.

 It's a quiet morning.  I'm watching the sunrise paint the tops of the palm trees.  There was a little extra time so the Biscuits are in the oven before the second dog walk.

Meanwhile, here's a gem for you to start your Saturday Morning.





 A blind man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a shot of your finest 30 year old single malt !”

The bartender says, “You know, that will cost you 100 bucks – it’s pretty expensive”. The blind man says “Not a problem, I have the money and I know what I like !”. So the bartender, knowing the man is unable to see what he’s pouring, serves him his cheapest single malt – a Glen Garioch 5 year old.

The blind man takes a sip, makes a face and spits it out, exclaiming “That’s 5 year old whisky ! I said a 30 year old single malt !”

The bartender apologizes and pours the man a shot of 12 year old Macallan. The blind man takes a sip of that, and spits it out again, and says “That’s 12 year old whisky ! I said 30 year old !”

The bartender, still wanting to maximize his profit, pours another shot, this time a 21 year old Glenlivit, and sets it in front of the blind man. Again, the man takes a sip, spits it out, and says “That’s 21 year old whisky ! Give me what I ordered, or I am out of here !”

At this point, the bartender has resigned himself to the fact that the man won’t accept anything less than the real thing, and pours him his best 30 year old Balvenie. The blind man takes a sip, and sighs “Now THAT’s 30 year old whisky !”

An old drunk down at the end of the bar who has been watching this whole exchange, walks over to the blind man, sets a glass down in front of him, and says. “Excuse me sir, I’d like you to try this.”

The blind man says “Happy to!” and takes a sip.

Immediately, the blind man spits it out and shouts “My god man, that tastes like PISS!”

The old drunk replies “It is – tell me how old I am”

Happy Birthday, Old Man, Here's Your Cake

Since I am the baker in the friend group, I was elected to make a birthday cake.

I have a bullet proof recipe.  It is from the Great Depression and I have featured it on my blog before.  The Buttercream frosting is, again, bullet proof.  They both are on the same link.

Who knows who is using this in a commercial environment since it is so simple that you could hand the ingredients and the recipe to a child and they would make it work.  It tasted like the dark chocolate cakes you can pick up in many places from The Big Boy bakeries all over the US, and I would wager elsewhere.

Weird recipe list since there are no eggs and it uses vinegar.  It's actually a vegan cake but it is one of the best cakes I have come across.

On the other hand, since it used my dark cocoa that I happened to have on hand, it was a thirsty beast.  I added extra milk to that Buttercream recipe to get it soft and smooth like we like it.  In fact instead of using two tablespoons of milk on the icing, which was above the original recipe, I used three tablespoons and it came out creamy and fudgy.

So the frosting is not vegan but "vegetarian", I the butter in the Buttercream was the real stuff.  I'm not vegan or vegetarian, so I'd say you can always figure out a substitute.  Margerine?  Coconut Oil?  Dunno.  The icing faithfully following the recipe was amazing!

But it was on the small size since I used a single amount of the recipe.  

When I made it later for the person's party, it was doubled.  My Bundt Cake Pan is rather large.

After all, he joins the rest of them.  Senior Citizen.  Dead Flowers and Black Balloons.  Sort of suits since that cocoa was the Ghirardelli's Extra Dark and tasted wonderful.

If you really want to try this, and you should, get the good cocoa.  The stuff that we are all used to just does not have the flavor you want. 

Oh and double the recipe.  You will get two layers for the cake.  You will thank me later!

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

 Remember, in the Northern Hemisphere, the statistically coldest weeks are the first two weeks of February.  Here in South Florida, it isn't a Beach Day either.  35F, 1C?  

Come and get your weather, it's drunk on my lawn.



An old man goes to the doctor, he says, "Doc, I need a fertility test." The doctor hands him a plastic tub and says, "Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back." So he goes home, and the next day returns with an empty tub.

The doctor says, "Why haven't you filled it?"

The old man says, "Doc, I tried it with my right hand, tried it with my left hand, tried it with both hands. My wife tried it with her right hand, tried it with her left hand, tried it with both hands. Neighbor lady upstairs tried it with her right hand, tried it with her left hand, tried it with both hands. We can't get the lid off."




(Personally, the first thing I do when I get one of those child proof caps is wonder where is a child to open the thing.  The next thing I do is find a way to defeat the cap so I don't have to fuss with the damn thing.)



My wife going deaf?

An elderly man goes to the doctor, very worried because he thinks his wife is going deaf, but he doesn't know how to bring it up without offending her.
The doctor says, "Let's try a simple test. Stand far away from her and ask a question. If she doesn't respond, take one step closer until she hears you. Then, you can tell me the distance, and we can determine if she has a hearing problem." 

The man returns home and sees his wife cooking dinner. He stands in the doorway, about 30 feet away, and says, "My love, what are you cooking?" Nothing. 
He steps 10 feet closer, now about 20 feet away, and asks again, "My love, what are you cooking?" 
Nothing. He steps right behind her, about 3 feet away, and shouts, "MY LOVE! WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?" 
The wife spins around angrily and shouts back, "For the third time, HARICOT BEANS!"


(Sometimes you aren't the solution.)

If smoking is so bad, why does it cure salmon?

 I don't know about that topic.  But I will say that growing up in Cherry Hill, NJ just a bit of a bike ride away from The Water Tower, I have a great appreciation for Smoked Salmon.

Preferably on a toasted bagel.  With lots of Cream Cheese, Tomato, Lettuce, and Onion.  That would be a Sesame Bagel from Mrs H's shop back in the day.  You know ... "The Bagel Place" on Chapel and King's Highway?  Mrs H is gone, bless her sweet soul, and the shop has changed its name slightly and well, here I am under the palms having fond memories about a time long gone.

Yes, a memory from the past.  Decades ago and 1200 miles away by car.  Not gonna happen but we do have good bagels here.  You just have to hunt.


Anyway...


A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"That'll be $5," says the bartender.

The guy takes a huge pile of coins out of his pocket and counts out $5 in pennies, nickels, and dimes. He slams them to the floor and they scatter all over. "There you go!"

The bartender is annoyed but holds his temper and picks up the coins. The guy drinks his beer and leaves.

Next night he comes back. Same thing. He orders a beer, then slams the $5 in coins to the floor. Once again the bartender keeps a civil tongue and picks up the coins. Guy drinks and leaves.

He comes in the next night and orders a beer. This time he pays with a $10 bill. The bartender sees his chance for revenge. He counts out the change, $5 in pennies, nickels, and dimes, and throws it on the floor. "There's your change, sir!"

The guy looks at the coins. "On second thought," he says, "give me two beers."

Complete Rebuild Help On Bike Wheels, Front and Back. Zen and the Art of Bicycle Maintenance.

Here's the deal.  The videos on Youtube and all the other services help. This blog posting will help if it ever gets read.  

It is a deep dive in what I went through to rebuild the two wheels on the bike.  

People don't have time to read these days.  This is more for me to see what I did a couple years down the line so that I can repeat the process.  

If you follow these instructions and watch the video, you should be able to figure this all out, but your mileage may vary.  

Standard Internet Warranty applies - www.Ramblingmoose.com makes no guarantees of completeness or of process or of anything at all.  If you wreck your bike, I'm sorry and that was not my doing, it is yours.  If you are unsure of anything and know me, drop a note and I'll try to talk you through it.  I'm just a retired guy trying to save a couple hundred dollars that I don't have.  I did and you may not.  I don't begrudge a bike shop their money when their expertise is being used, but it doesn't pay for me not to learn how to do this stuff on my own.

But.

There are always details you will miss.  I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

The video that convinced me that I was able to do this rebuilding on my own is included at the end.  But I missed some very important details.

As you are disassembling pieces, place them in a fashion so that you can mentally put them back together.  If you lose a spring or a nut at this point you will be cursing everyone including me for not warning you.


Tools I found I needed:

• Blue Tack Tape or some similar masking tape.
• Gloves.  Typically Nitrile but "rubber" gloves will do nicely. 
• Tweezers to handle the balls for the bearing.  They tend to get away from you.
• Screen or something to line the bottom of the workplace.   
• A good ruler with visible markings for METRIC.  Sorry fellow yanks, this is a job for metric.  If the ruler has holes for measuring variously sized bearings so much the better.
• Workplace that will corral any loose parts.  Bucket or kitchen sink may help.
• Good cycling grease.  I used "common" White Lithium Grease.
• Gearset Socket.  Specialized socket to fit in the gearset to work on the rear wheel and bearings.  These will vary based on the manufacturer of your gearset.  Shimano is very common, and that is what worked for me.
• Set of Cup Wrenches.  Thin crescent wrench set may also work but doubtful. 
• Hammer or mallet to remove the gearset.
  
   

Measure EVERYTHING:

Seriously.  That good ruler I am mentioning.  If you get the retaining nuts out of their original position, your wheels will no longer be true from left to right.  That will mean your discs will rub against the brake shoes.  It will slow you down.  In my case it was 4mm from the outside of the axle to the first nut on the axle.

Bearings.

Inline Skate bearings are simple.  Snap the whole thing in and bolt it together and you are done.

Bicycle bearings may be that simple but many older bikes, and some current ones like mine from 2022 are using something called a "Cup and Ball Bearing".  This is old school.  I have seen some evidence that it is possible to convert these to a "normal" bearing like 608 or 6000.  

But.

These aren't as difficult as you expect if you are coming into the process as green as I was.  Since I started, I have replaced the bearings literally a dozen times.  Every time I would remove the part that holds the bearings into the cup, some or all would fall out.

You need grease in that cup.  I used the same White Lithium Grease that I used in my old Jalousie windows for years.  The stuff is waterproof.  You can use other grease that is "special for cycling" and pay more.  The jury is out as to whether I need to do that or I am using the right stuff.  The finished product rolls like a champ.  I did a marathon on them and I had the wheels improperly installed.  Results matter.


Bearing Sizing.

The bearings that go into the Cup and Ball bearings vary in size.  They are TYPICALLY 1/4 inch.  They can be more or less, but since they are decidedly cheap, I rolled the dice and got an assortment.  It turned out that front and rear wheels were both 1/4 inch.  Some bikes for other purposes are said to be larger or smaller.

For my bike, I needed 9 bearings of 1/4 inch per side of the wheel.  

I have a bag of 200 loose bearings coming in about a week.  It took me 3 years to need the first batch and they only cost me $7 for this.  I will be able to repeat this process about 6 times.  


How I installed the Bearings.

I cleaned and dried the kitchen sink and put a screen in the drain.  Since I knew that the bearings would roll under things, putting the wheel at eye level and giving the bearings a place to roll made sense.

Remove the wheel from the bike.  Remove the nut holding the skewer in place and slide it out but make sure you realize which side your bike had the skewer installed from.  The lock lever was on the left side of the wheel.  Same side as the disc for my brake - be careful you don't get that disc dirty, you will need alcohol or acetone to clean it properly and don't bang it around since it can't take the punishment of too many shocks.

Cup Wrench:

In the case of my wheels, I needed a specialized tool to remove the nut and cover to the chamber where the cup was.  This Cup Wrench was a 15 mm and strangely flat.  I am used to crescent wrenches being much thicker in home repair and automotive uses.  These are stamped steel.  A set cost me $7 online.

The cup wrench will hold the cup in place so you can use another 15 mm wrench (adjustable or crescent) to remove the nut that holds things in place on the outside of the wheel bolt assembly.  The video goes through this quickly but you will need these.  I have a lot of tools on hand and this stuff is "specialized".


Removing the outer nut, you should be able to remove the cup on one side of the wheel.   You will be removing the nut/shield from one side of the axle.  I recommend removing the one on the non-disc side first.  This way you can push the axle through.  At this point there is nothing holding the cover to the ball bearings in place at all.  Things will fall all over the place.  That is why I did the work over the sink.  The "other side" you will need to hold in place manually.  Blue Tack or some other tape may help you manage this since it is not a "normal" operation for "normal" people like you and I.

Slide the axle out of the wheel and set it aside.  As you remove parts from the wheel, it will be helpful to place the pieces in place on the axle so that the later  reassembly will be easier.

Grease the Cup and install the Balls:

To prepare to install the balls into the cup, insert or inject some of your chosen grease into the cup.  Don't get extra grease into the center hub of the wheel, but if some get in there it won't ruin the wheel.  I found that I could squirt the grease into the cup and used my gloved finger to smooth it into the cup evenly.

Now using tweezers or your fingers, place the balls in the cup.  One at a time, seat the ball into the grease.  The grease will tend to hold the balls in place but they will not put up with rough treatment and may go flying if you bang this all around.

Repeat this process for the opposite side of the wheel.  Gently because if you whack the wheel around your freshly assembled balls will be flying out of the cup.  The Grease will hold the balls in place but not very securely.  They May Fall Out!

Reassembly of the wheel:

Now that you have cursed me and everyone else for telling you that you know enough to try this process, you get to reverse your steps.  How I did it was to be very gently push the axle through the center of the cup and out the other side.  The Axle will be partially assembled with the cup nut/shield and most likely that one side's retaining nut are still in place.  Make sure that the alignment of the axle with the distance from the outside of the axle to the first nut have not changed.  Make sure that the cup nut is secure against that first nut and tighten with a crescent wrench and cup wrench where appropriate.  Everything is in close clearance so this is why having a specific cup wrench is important.

Sliding the axle in place, begin to fasten the opposite side's cup nut in place.  Stop when you get it snug against the balls in the cup, but not too snug.  The entire assembly must turn freely.  If you can't turn it freely by the lightest touch, it will make things difficult when you ride.  

However having it exposed and loose will cause its own problems.  Push up and down on the axle.  It should not rattle around in the hub.  If so, the cup nut needs to be tightened slowly until the up and down rattling is stopped.  

The goal is to get the wheel to spin on the axle, but not move laterally.  Another goal is to have the outermost nut in roughly the same position with respect to the end of the axle as it was before the process had begun.

I know, clear as mud.  You want your wheels spinning freely.

Slide the skewer in through the axle.  The locking lever should be on the same side as it was originally.  In my case, it was on the left side of the wheel.  Same side as the brake disc or opposite of the chain or the drive for the wheel.  Attach the spring small side to the center, then put the skewer nut on the outside of the skewer and tighten lightly. 

Remount the wheel and align so that it is not stopped by the brakes or is not crooked.  Begin to tighten the skewer and nut in place.  When finished, the wheel should not be loose on the fork on any side or both sides.  If it is loose you may injure yourself while riding.


Rear Wheel Special Instructions:

The gearset is in the way of your removing the rear axle.  You require a gearset socket to remove the gearset so you can get at all the parts like on the front whee.  The gearset socket fits in a crescent wrench, adjustable wrench, or a socket wrench.  The gearset is actually tightened as you ride so it is difficult to remove from the wheel.

Take the rear wheel to a place where you can work on it with force.  Not too much force, of course.  Insert the gearset socket in the gearset,  Using your wrench, set it up so that you can turn the wrench counter clockwise.  To the left.  Remember Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey.   Attempt to turn counter clockwise.  Complain to yourself that you can't and it is too difficult and you want to give up.

At this point I placed the wheel in a fashion so that the wheel was upright, the wrench was in a way that if I pushed downwards, it would be turning counter clockwise - to the left.  

Using the hammer, I whacked the wrench gently but firmly.  It took about 10 times the first time to remove the gearset.  It never got loose enough on the wheel for me to NOT use the hammer.  But you aren't trying to destroy things, be careful if you miss the end of the wrench you could damage your wheel.  

A good torque wrench or breaker bar on the end of the socket wrench may help but it did not in my case.  I actually broke my breaker bar.  I was surprised.

The first time to remove the gearset took quite a few whacks from the hammer before it budged and it was still too tight for me to muscle the gearset loose.



Axle Considerations or If You Have a Broken Axle:

This happened to my rear wheel.  I actually snapped an axle.  They do break and they do bend.

The rear axle on my bike is 145mm.  It was broken in two pieces, sheared at the base of the gearset.  

I rolled the dice and guessed at the size thinking if it was shorter I could cut it or just let it hang.  It turned out that I was completely correct at the guess of 145mm.

In My Case.

However, the new axle came with hardware that was smaller than the original wheelset's hardware.  I did not realize that.  I had put it all together and got it to work but it wasn't right.  The bike did not perform correctly since I was using lock washers and extra nuts to put the wheel approximately in the correct place.

I needed to get the ruler out and make sure that I had that 4mm clearance from the last nut to the end of the axle.

Using the (weird) Cup Wrench, I was able to get all the old hardware off of the old axle, and put it on the new axle.  I made sure that the 4mm clearance was maintained.  Magically everything simply seated correctly without any extra hardware.

That ruler was a highly important tool.  Make sure you can read metric, Fellow Americans.  I had to double check myself to get it all right.


Conclusion:

The wheelset is done.

Oh you want more?  There is no lateral movement.  When I do the "power stroke" the rear wheel is not being thrown against the frame of the bike and making farting noises.  Both wheels now have new fresh grease and new fresh bearings.

Best part of this is that for about $30 of parts, I get about $350 worth of wheels, bearings, and most importantly Labor.

I learned a metric f-ton of things about this process.  In a couple years I will be able to do this again if I haven't worn this bike completely out and I have the parts to do it.

Next will be going after the pedals and the crankset since I have the bearings to do so.  Anything that turns a lot, needs new grease and new bearings.  

I have the parts.  Good luck!