I made strawberry preserves today. It was a jarring experience.

 Hmmm... I wonder if my jars and lids are ready for that.  I have a lot of preserves to make this week!

Looking back on 10 years of marriage


When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous.

I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transplant some bees to a new hive. 

When we arrived I was surprised that out of the group the keeper picked me to dawn the traditional safety measures (IE: gloves, full suit and mask/head covering).
 

Apparently my job was to grab any bees that stayed behind and didn’t naturally move to the next hive.
 

As the keeper smoked the hive I could tell my services were going to be needed as quite a few stuck around and refused to inhabit the new location.
I was instructed to “just grab them” and “put them into the new hive”.
I was extremely apprehensive as I have a small fear of being stung. Not wanting to look like a wussy on our first date I jumped in and grabbed a large handful of writhing and angry bees that 

I thought for sure would be my demise.
 

Standing there, with these wriggling dangerous insects in my hands I happened to lock eyes with my soon to be wife and I remember it like it was yesterday.
Her hair shined in the sun and she had a radiant glow about her.
I couldn’t look away, the keeper had to eventually jump in and guide my hands to the new hive out of fear of losing them.
Out of the entire date I walked away with a passion for her and a new understanding of life and love.
Beauty truly is in the eyes of the Bee Holder.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

 I know a guy who once lived in Brisbane, and his name is Tim.  I have to wonder if ...

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.


After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

And because that was a bit short:

 
 

A Scotsman phones the dentist.

Scotsman: Aye how much for a tooth extraction?

Dentist: “it will be $150, sir”

Scotsman: “150 quid! to be fair it’s just the one tooth!  Could you no charge me less if you don’t’ use anaesthetic?

Dentist: “Well that’s highly unusual but I could deduct $20 if you wish

Scotsman, “could you no use one of your trainee/assistants and do the job without anaesthetic?

Dentist: “well I cannot guarantee the professionalism and it will be painful but I could deduct another $50

Scotsman: “well howaboot is you make it a training session, your trainee/assistant can do the extraction with other students watchin and learning with no anaesthetic?

Dentist considers this a moment: “That could indeed be beneficial for the students, I tell you what I will only charge you $50 but it may be very traumatic and painful.

Scotsman: Pure Brilliant, now yer talkin Laddie!  Can you make an appointment for my wife then, for next Tuesday?!

Mango Harvest and Lowering the Tree

It is so common here that it is a meme.

A meme I'll clean up.

If you want fruit from your own tree, plant it behind the fence in the back yard.

Mind you, I'm guilty of this as well.  There are Mango trees near here that I have permission to "take as much as you want".  The good ones, the Hagen Mangoes.

My tree is a Cogshall.  It is a condo mango and it won't grow as fast and massively as the Hagen, so I can manage the tree like anyone else.  I will plant a Mango Pit or four and I have a request from a fine lady here in town who would like to try. 

Need a Mango Pit?  Let me know if you're near me.   After all, they are Tropical and won't survive a winter out of Florida unprotected.

I put my own tree in the back yard a couple years back.  I have a crowded yard, that pool that nobody uses is taking up most of the area.  So if I want fruit, I have to stick with either containers or the one spot that I planted that mango tree.

I checked.  I chopped it back two years ago, and this year I got 44 Mangoes.  They are on my room divider and while I will eat most, many will end up as Mango Jam. 

The recipe for Mango Jam is here.  It is trivial to make and I will be canning them for later use.  I don't buy much Jams and Jellies here.  I have a Lemon Curd recipe that is simply awesome for any citrus jam that I can make in the Microwave.  

Has anyone found any Key Limes?  I really don't want to try to find room for another tree!

I also have friends who know I strongly prefer homemade to store bought so I get a Care Package from time to time.

But that first picture of the tree?  That's what I had before the Harvest, and this one here is how far I cut it back.  I'd say by half.  I doubt I will get enough to make Jam from next year.

Got a tree I can pick from next year?  Much obliged!

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest. He seriously misunderstood the objective.

Ok, this is a long one, but it is a good one.  One of those stories where it keeps you on the edge and pulls you in before you get the pay off at the end. 

 

 

The Devil sat at the gates of hell.

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said

The old man signed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..

And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”

“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.

The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.

I did the only think I could!

I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.

But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know their dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”

“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.

The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,

“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

Nothing ruins your Friday like finding out it’s only Thursday.

Ok, so we all want a Genie and three wishes but...

 

Genie in a glass bottle

One day a man was doing throwing practice with his wife while on a vacation, when suddenly he missed and the ball flew into a nearby house. They ran over when they heard glass breaking and saw a weird looking guy staring back.

The weird guy quickly came up to them and started thanking them, "I am a genie who was stuck in a glass bottle for many years. It's thanks to you two, who ended up breaking the bottle, that I was got freedom. So, as a reward, I'll give you two wishes. But I'll keep the last one for myself. If that's okay with you, then ask away. " Hearing this, the man excitedly replied," Wow! In that case, my first wish is that I want to have a Ferrari. And my next wish is that I should get a billion dollars! "

The genie replied," Done and done! You'll find a Ferrari and a billion dollars when you go back home! Now, as for my wish, I want to sleep with your beautiful wife over here. "

The couple thought for a while and decided that allowing this much was fine after what he had given them.

So the man went inside the house, turned on the TV and started watching the football game that was coming,while the wife followed the genie upstairs to the bedroom.

When the reached the door, the genie said, "Ma'am, how old is your husband?"

The wife replied, "He's 26, why do you ask?"

The genie said, "When do you think that he'll be old enough to stop believing in genies?"

So After Thirteen Years Of This Blog Stuff, What Do You Like?

I was just on the back porch turning it into a PVC Foundry.  I have a special need for a specific shape of pipe and I was realizing that it was time to come in.  I didn't have anything loaded in the blog for Wednesday, and wanted to rectify that.

After all, in a nearly 90 degree day under a tin roof, running a propane stove is not the most comfortable thing to do.  

Partially Melting PVC pipe is not a common pursuit unless you are trying to fit conduit into a specific bend in the world, so it was time to come in and shower off. 

Hey, I could have "accidentally" fallen into the pool, accidentally.  It's 84F in the water, and we hardly ever use the blasted thing.

But I have been doing this blog thing since 2009 and it gave me an excuse to do some naval gazing.   You see, the weekend posts are jokes that I have enjoyed at some weird level.  They are surprisingly well read, and there are people who come back and read them on here and the Wordpress mirror of the blog.

Over the past year, this is the sort of thing that you and others have been reading.

Not that everyone has a need to use Linux, but there are always some hits on my Linux posts every day.  In fact there is a hunger for verified information about the third most popular operating system on the desktop and laptop, and I am quite comfortable giving it.

Number 1 and 10 were people trying to get their Tap To Click working on their Debian laptops.  I exclusively use Linux for my own purposes, and many of you have left Windows behind because you ... I Won't Stand On A Soapbox much with this, but it runs faster, does more with less, and all the software is completely free. 

Free Software?  What a concept!

1 - For Debian 10 How To Get Tap To Click Back

10 For Debian 9 How To Get Tap To Click Back

Number 2 was for people who have the same problem I do with the tub.  It has settled over the years and we had to install a Backer Rod.  I've done this a couple times since I originally wrote the article and I stand behind it.

Number 3 was How To Syringe Feed Your Dog with Chronic Renal Failure.  This is something every dog owner will eventually decide if they can do.  I did with my girl Lettie and we gave her an extra year to live using it.  I refuse to feed Rack any commercial dog food as a result, and he's eating as well as I personally do.  I have been on what I call a Training Diet longer than most have been alive and it is working for both of us.

Number 4 is How to Fix your Ruined Cream Cheese Out of the Freezer.  Yes, I cook a lot, and most things get dropped directly into the freezer.  Once I tried to freeze cream cheese.  Don't, it makes a mess and the cheese "breaks".

Number 5 - Gold Medal Flour - Extraordinary Buttermilk Biscuits Recipe  I use this blog as a scratchpad for life.  All my recipes come here and if I really like them, I will refine them with hints.  This was one of the recipes.

Number 6 - So You Want To Drive Across The County For a Bolt?  The Broken Poang Story.  It is one of those Flight Of Fancy Stories that we all have inside of ourselves.  Ikea's Poang Chair fits me amazingly.  It does not fit everyone.  I am 6'4" and 213 athletic pounds, this morning.  I like the chair so much that I have three of the things, including one rocker.  They will give you parts, if they are missing and the Allen key you use to build Ikea furniture is so useful that it actually fits my inline skates.

Number 7 - Propagating Ruellia.  These things are so easy they will propagate themselves, but if you want some in your property, here's how to make more from a cutting.

Number 8 - The Mango Jam Recipe.  Season is coming up and I need more Mango!  MORE!!!! WE LOVE MANGO!!!  And this is how I have the stuff until Winter.  If you have a mango tree on your property, and are nearby, let me pick a bucket and I'll gift you some preserves back.  Limited Time Only, FOB My Front Porch, blah-blah-blah-weasel-words.

And Finally

Number 9 - Killing the Night Blooming Jasmine With Kindness.  I have never gotten this plant to propagate, which is unfortunate.  The flowers are beautiful and scented.  You can add the dried blossoms to tea and it makes some wonderful tea.  The plants we have are being replaced with Iguana Resistant Hibiscus.  People seem to find this article around this time of year most heavily.

So that's it.  I only do this sort of post infrequently.  I do have some pictures in the camera that I will get on here eventually but for now I think my morning coffee has to be refilled!

Why does the dog wag its tail? Because the tail can't wag the dog!

 I'm safe.  The dog has not come by to sniff my elbow yet but we will be going out for a walk... soon.

This is a story of Aunt Karen.  Now, I am sure this was before the name picked up the rather nasty connotation that it has today.  And every Karen I have met has been an interesting woman.

To date...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose? Ham Boogers!

 Ok THAT title would have been a riot when you were 10, admit it!

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

And of course you have to follow that one with a story about a farmer and a lawyer and hilarity shall ensue.

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...
Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,
"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an extremely prestigious school and am partner in a large firm, we mostly deal in corporate you know but...) anyway, I wonder if you wouldn't be a decent little chap about it and let me have it. Being a lawyer, I know the law, that I'm to ask the landowners permission before I retrieve game."

Farmer Joe looks over the lawyer's shoulder and sees the pheasant.
"Well... it is a pretty nice one. Tell you what, we can play Ro-sham-Bo for it. Winner keeps it"

The Lawyer is taken aback
"RO-SHAM-BO? I'm afraid in all my years in prestigious law schools, I'm afraid I never encountered the concept. What are the rules?

"Well," the farmer began, "we each take turns kicking each other in the bollocks, the one who gives up first loses."

The lawyer doesn't like the sound of this at all, but he really wants the pheasant.
"Alright, I'll do it. Err... whom goes first?"

"I kick first cos its my land" says the farmer, simply.
The lawyer consents to stand in the porch, legs apart, and braces himself. Farmer Joe takes several steps back, breaks in to a run, and then swings his boot full force at the lawyer's crotch.

Lifted full off the ground, the lawyer crumples into a yelping, weeping heap, and takes a couple of minutes to get his bearings back, sobbing and cursing on the floor, before slowly straining to stand.

"Very well." Remarks the lawyer, "My turn."
"Nah, you can keep the pheasant" replies farmer Joe, and slams the door.

Between the Dragonflies and the Monarchs, I think not spraying the lawn for grubs really helps.

I guess it's the Law of Unintended Consequences.

This is when something unexpected happens due to your action or inaction.

The Law, is also one of the things that stuck in my mind from my Sociology courses in university all those years ago.   Fun thing, Sociology.  Half of the course is defining the term Cohesion, the rest of it was using the term in creative ways.

I don't believe in coating your lawn with chemicals unless you really do need it.  If you are having grubs that are killing off the grass and natural means are not controlling them, go for it, but only as much as is truly needed.

In our case, I think my neighbors' spraying pesticides are causing me to be an Island of Nature.  Or perhaps it is merely a nice thought.

I watch what goes on in the front yard very closely.

I chase the ducks off.  That time there was a duck "party" on my front porch that was so loud that through the hurricane glass, I could hear every single one of the seventeen of them that were cramming onto that one female duck at the bottom of the pile.  That was enough.  Chase the female, the males follow.  The eggs they are laying are giving me an opportunity to watch the foxes and perhaps coyotes that come through here at night.  They have a taste for duck eggs just like your "outdoor cats".

If you feed the ducks, you are really feeding the foxes and the coyotes.  The ones that amble about this neighborhood are an introduced species, and not native.  They also bring parasites that sicken your dogs.  There is no such thing as an outdoor pet in suburbia or the city.

Lately I have noticed that there are quite a few Dragonflies taking residence here and at the little M.E. dePalma park nearby.  They, and my treasured Monarch Butterflies shuttle back and forth with great regularity.  

Those grubs sometimes hatch into a mature Dragonfly.  Frequently, by my count.  They are drawing these nondescript birds that have been coming to keep the count of Dragonflies in check.  I'm fine with that, they are in balance with nature.

I'm also noticing that these same birds are not on any of my neighbor's yards.  For the same reasons.  They spray, we don't.

A Green Lawn may be what we have been conditioned to expect in suburbia, but in a climate like ours, that comes at a cost.  You spray, you water, you fertilize, you edge.  Extra carbon dioxide and other pollutants leech into the atmosphere.  Ground water contamination means don't drink that water out of the irrigation that has to happen twice a week, all year around.

It would make more sense to find a landscape more in tune with where you are.   Oh sure, if you live in the UK or Ireland where lawns need nothing but a trim from time to time, great.  I'm in a place in South Florida where I truly have to wonder have we all lost our minds.

Salt intrusion will fix that I am sure.  

Native plants are best.  Following that, as I was told by a lovely Jamaican woman once, they need to give you something back.  Fruiting plants that something can eat as well.  

I guess that is partly why I made it a point to plant a Mango in my own backyard as well.  Can't put the thing in the front yard, after all, I wouldn't get any of them myself!

You see, someone came through the neighborhood the other day and picked every fruit they could reach.  They will be on sale at a flea market near you soon.

Why can't a T-Rex clap their hands? They're dead.

 Well THAT topic is a bit dark!  It did make me laugh so there you go!  And this story is a bit dark too, or maybe it is just that I put this together before dawn with my coffee?

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

He said, "Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"