What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie? Sofishticated.

 While I "get" this bit of "boomer humor" I kind of feel sorry for her...




Husband dies...

When he gets to heaven he enters the Pearly Gates, so excited to be there.

A few years later his wife dies and gets to heaven.

Once she gets through the Gates, she sees her husband and starts charging toward him with her arms extended seeking his embrace that she longed for the past few years, exclaiming, "Oh, darling how I've missed you and longed for this moment!"

The husband dodges her extended arms saying, "Woahhhh woman, the contract was until death!"





So I'll give you a palate cleanser and a "two-fer".  Maybe this one is a bit more your liking!





A man opened a zoo and was attracting tourists from all over the world. The most popular exhibit was the giraffes, but every night, the giraffes would manage to escape their enclosures.

The zoo owner thought the giraffes jumped over the fence, so he raised the fence up to 2 metres tall. But the giraffes still escaped. Puzzled, the owner raised the fence up to 3 metres tall. And yet the giraffes kept escaping.

Over the next couple of weeks, the owner managed to raise the fence up to 20 metres tall. His efforts were in vain, however, as the giraffes were still escaping every day. He was perplexed and proud at the same time; he owned the world's first giraffes that could jump over 20 metres high.

He kept raising the fence in order to try to keep the giraffes inside. By this time, he had attracted quite a crowd. One onlooker said to another,

"I bet you he'll make the fence over a kilometre tall if he keeps forgetting to shut the blasted gate."

Wednesdays are a day off the trails but busy as always. So let's naval gaze and look at some recipes.

 If this is a Day Off, how did I get so busy?

Was up at 515am. Ok, so for me, that is normal.  Got to walk the dog, get home, make coffee, start breakfast.

But today being Wednesday, I got started on "Things".

Before Sunrise I managed to get the dishwasher started, laundry started, and make a giant pot of Rice.  Need that to start on the dog food that the ingredients are thawing.

In case you are wondering - 2 parts water to a full boil with a little bit of olive oil on top.  1 part rice poured over top.  Stir and bring to full boil, then place lid on it.  Forget about the pot for an hour and you don't need a rice cooker.

But that big pot will get used for making dog food later so the rice has to be frozen and portion packed.

I tell people I am a 1950s homemaker.  I roast coffee, make soap, make and home can jelly and jam.  I am on a quest to make cream cheese - if it works I will put that recipe up here because I have no real long term memory.

You should not either.  Not with baking.  Sure, some things can be a little forgiving - like the Magic Shell I dropped online earlier.  That depends on the quality of the baking chips.  Good quality chocolate pieces need more Coconut Oil to help it get more melty, the cheaper flavored things like Butterscotch need less.  If it is waxy, add less to the mix.

But anything with a process and precise, like baking bread or making soap, require a proper recipe.

Excuse me, the washer wants my attention!

Hmmm, dishwasher's done too.

Oh well this way I've always got plenty of Mango Jelly and clean dishes to have it on.  Clean dishes are important.

Last year we had a long and late Mango season.  Into August there were still fruit falling from the trees.  A Freshly Fallen Mango can be one of the sweetest fruits you have ever had.  I chunked those mangoes up into 4 cup bags, and froze them.  Still had enough to make a batch a year later when I was chunking up this years early windfallen fruit.

If ever I get a chance and finish all that mango goodness, I really do want to try that recipe with peaches.  They have the same texture as a mango does.

If not, have you ever had a Mango Tart?  Basically a fruit pie made with Mango Jelly.  I have a lot of the stuff, and it's really nice on a Graham Cracker Crust.  I Know what I will have for my dessert after lunch.  It works incredibly well with the Lemon Curd recipe I have too.

All that athleticism is really just an excuse for me to eat sweets, right?  Don't tell anyone my secret!

I guess it's time to hop to it, right?  That coffee isn't going to roast itself and I can be a terror on full caff.  I am out of decaf and the regular is getting low.

No, seriously,   Caffeine is a performance enhancing drug.  It works like an oxygen uptake enhancer.  So if you are an athlete, getting a good amount of caffeine in your system can help you.  Sort of like that blood doping that you hear about but on the cheap and not as crazy as the olympic athletes are trying to get away with.

And at my age, well over 40, I need all the help I can get.

Usually with 3 sweets, and 4 cream to a tankard.

What do you call a highly intellectual dinosaur? A thesaurus.

I may as well jump on the bandwagon with this one.  If you are a regular reader of this blog (the few that you are) I am sure you can see why I would like this particular gift on a Sunday morning...


A phone rings at the Robertson estate.
Hello? Hi, I'd like to speak with Pat Robertson
Oh, sorry to inform you that he has passed.
Click. Again the phone rings. Hello?
(Obviously the same person):
Hi, is Pat Robertson there?
I'm sorry to say he is no more.
Click. Phone rings again.
Hello? (Same voice) Hi, can you get Pat Robertson for me?
Sir, as I told you before, he is gone!
Click. Again ring ring
Hello?
Hi, can Pat Robertson come to the phone?
Listen, you little XXXX, I told you he's dead. D.E.A.D. Don't you understand that?
Oh, I understand all right.
Then why do you keep calling!?!
I just like to hear that he is dead!



And now that I got that out of my system, here's little Johnny at his first job....




Little Johnny gets his first job working at a truck stop

A trucker comes in and says, “Alright, I’d like to have three flat tires, a couple running boards and a pair of headlights.”

Little Johnny didn’t want to appear stupid, so he goes to the kitchen and says to the cook, “This guy out there says he wants three flat tires, a coupe of running boards and a pair of headlights. What does he think this is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” says the cook. “The flat tires are pancakes, the running boards are bacon, and the headlights are eggs sunny side up.”

Little Johnny nods his head and scoops out a big bowl of chili and brings it out to the trucker.

The trucker says, “Hey, kid. What’s the chili for?”

“Well, while you’re waiting for your flat tires, running boards and headlights, I thought you might want to fill up in some gas!”

Did you hear about the duck who got a nose job? He didn't like the bill.

Hey so it's a weekend, yet again.  So what do I have for you?  A triple play of shorts!


A string takes a seat at a bar and orders.
Bartender: you a string?

String: …yeah…
Bartender: we don’t serve strings here

Defeated, the string leaves.
Outside, he peels back some of his ends and twists the filaments around and through one-another.

He goes back.
Has a seat…

Bartender: we don’t serve strings here, ARE YOU A STRING?!?
String: I’m a frayed knot.



A psychiatrist is testing his patients.

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000"
The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one.
He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6"
The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?"
The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"


There was this young Norwegian man who always loved to go for hikes. Everyday he'd walk along the hillside, look down at the inlet below no matter rain, sleet or snow. Some years later he got a nice dog and he'd go for long walks high in the clouds just to smell the salty air and toss the ball with the his pup. As he aged the people in the town warned him about going for hikes so often and in bad weather. Until one day it finally happened...he slipped in the rain and fell off a cliffs edge into the water below.

you know what they say: you live by the fjord, you die by the fjord.

Massive Downpours are an awful way to Hydrate on your Workout but Wet Season Waits for Nobody.

I really should know better.
It is the Wet Season here.
I feel like a drowned rat.
My Jeep looks like a drowned rat.
The bike is clean at least.

It was raining South of the airport.  We never even got a "Duck and Cover" alert on the weather radio.

I am (usually) very good at predicting weather here.  See the storm.  Plot the vector it moves on.  Add a little bit of "error" to the vector.  Live your life.

I went to the park.  It's an 8 mile drive.  Long enough to be an annoyance but not too far really.  I prefer to bike at Pompano Airpark simply because it's not exposed to traffic.  I used to inline skate there but after breaking one, then the other clavicle, I won't go back for that.

Groom your damn trails and don't obstruct them.

I got there and looked up at a cloud deck rolling in.  Heard thunder.  Checked Radar again.  Still not a problem.  I thought we'd get "clipped" and I could avoid it by doing the park backwards.

I park at the southeast corner of a big square, so I thought go North, then West.

I stopped at halfway and realized my heart monitor was at half speed.  Take the thing off, allow it to reset and sync itself with my heart.  I'm feeling the wind pick up, then go into hyper speed.

When I saw Dorothy's house fly overhead I knew it was a problem.

Heart rate monitor synced, I got back on the bike.

Riding about the length of the house, about 50 feet, I hit the rain.

HOLY CRAP!

Or rather it hit me.

Grey out conditions.  My speed was down due to weather and winds already, so having it drop into single digits (First MPH, then the other KPH) was not a surprise.

I used to ride a motorcycle.   Once in my stupid-twenties I rode a motorcycle across Pennsylvania and Ohio to visit a friend in Ann Arbor Michigan.  In the rain across Ohio to Toledo.  When you ride at highway speeds, rain feels like someone is throwing gravel at you.  It can be painful.

This was like that.

I think it was a "Microburst" storm because, even as big as I am, I nearly got knocked off the bike.

By the time I got to the turn at the last mile, my shoe was full of water.  I don't mean wet, I mean as full as a coffee mug before the first sip.

The pickup truck flying through the rain had a mean streak in him.  He sprayed so much water at me, that I was forced into a wobble and nearly fell on the way back.

Getting back to the Jeep, I mounted the bike on the back of the car and laughed at myself.

I'm used to getting caught in The Weather.  Heat, sometimes a shower, sometimes conditions catch you and you end up having a bit of a "Challenge" getting where you want to go.

I took off my saturated cycle jersey and rang all that water out.  Thrown onto the car mat on the passenger side, I started unloading the bike into the car.  The bike bag that sits on the upper bar was completely dry inside, I was pleased at that.  A clip fell off of the bike that held a cable in place.  No worries there, I was waiting on a shipment of black zip ties to replace them anyway.

I texted my loved ones that I am coming home and started the car.  There was a puddle inside the car that was draining into the carpets.  It is Florida, I can just leave it in the sun and hope it dries.

Naw, it rained when I got home and off and on that whole afternoon.  No sun today.  I'll put the Jeep in the sun tomorrow morning.

I think it's that park.  I have two sports that I do, and I am outside a lot.  Inline Skating and Cycling.  A Normal Workout is more than two hours for me. Just not today.

Today I came home and dried off.

So?  How was your workout?  Got your hydration levels right?

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

 While this is one for the ladies (I hope) I liked it simply because I just came in after checking the brake fluid levels in my clutch reservoir.

It was fine, and the Jeep will roll for another day.

May your day have as many points as this guy!




A change of careers

A gynecologist was bored with his job and decided he wanted a new career.
He went back to college and decided to become a mechanic.
After aching most of his courses, he found himself at the final exam.
For his final exam, he has to rebuild an engine and reinstall it in the car.
He completed the task, and turned it in to the teacher.
A week later he checked the status to see what grade he got on the test, a possible 100 points.
To his amazement, the teacher gave him 500 points for his final.
He thought it was a typo and contacted the teacher for clarification.
The teacher assured him the test was graded correctly.
How can this be he asked?
The teacher replied "you rebuilt the engine paint attention to all torque specs and clearances perfectly".
For this I have you 100 points.
You got 400 points extra credit for doing it all through the tailpipe.

Why did everyone complain about the country of Iceland? It wasn't actually Chile!

 Today I have an errand.  Then I have to start canning some Mango Jam.  Should keep me busy and honest.  You know, all that Inner Peace stuff?




Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...

No matter the sport, water stops are more important than you think.

I guess that summer is here in South Florida.  Some say it never really ends.  The weather looks nice, the trails are beautiful.  There are others out there giving you encouragement, telling you what you're doing right, maybe a warning of conditions ahead.

It was a great day for a workout, right?

So here's the deal - wherever you are, whatever you are doing, bring extra water.

I am a seasoned athlete.  This episode aside, I am used to 3 plus hour workouts at a very high heart rate.  None of this "Shoulda Coulda Woulda" nonsense, I do it.  This was an inline skate workout, a sport where I can do a marathon and not really think twice about it.  VO2 Max for 75% of the time according to the sport watch.

So what did I do wrong?  I forgot to pause and drink water frequently enough. 

No excuses.  What you did in winter when the temperatures are lower does not fly now that you're progressing into summer.  OK, maybe not below the equator, just save this for November if you're in Buenos Aires, Jo-Burg, or Brisbane.

But here in a state named for flowers whose nick name is The Sunshine State, that sun finally caught me.

The specifics are simple.  When I train, it is for an hour and a water stop.  Then repeat until I start thinking that I'll be missed at home.  At least two hours, maybe three or four. 

That works in winter, but in summer?  Naw, fam, change your training!

This is the kind of "rookie mistake" I thought I had gotten past but well I'm stubborn.  I was really enjoying bombing the trails yesterday, just like the bike workout before that on the weekend, and the inline skate workout the week before. 

I switch the two workouts back and forth and I'm finding my own intensity is increasing on both sports.  Cross Training is working better for me than when I was skating 100 miles a week in Philly.

On my bike I carry two thermos of ice water.  It's a shorter workout so I don't need as much.  Or so I tell myself.

On the skates I have those same two insulated water bottles in the Jeep, plus two pint/half liter bottles of ice that melt down to give "cool" water.

None of that is any good if you don't drink the blasted stuff, right?

So go out and Run.
Go out and Bike, Skate, Play Tennis, Pickleball, Whatever Floats your Boat!
I don't know how that works with swimmers, but you do you!

But for the love of your health, don't be like me.  Stop for water frequently.  Your dog will drink when he or she needs it.  People, not so good at it.  You need more than you think you do.

I did the Pinch Test after the workout and the skin on the back of my hand did not rebound.  That was lunch time.  By dinner it was beginning to.  I am at 20 hours past that and it's still taking more time than it should. 

That 2kg, 4 pound weight loss I had this morning?  Dehydration.

My fault.  Now I'm going to have another mug and wander off to do something else.  You?  Probably should have a glass of something not alcoholic.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet.

For years I had to ride various trains in and out of Center City Philadelphia.  Yes, they do capitalize it that way there.  But orthography aside, it generally was better than being on a bus.  Especially when the trains were not running.  Much fewer ads on the trains back then.  I'm told things have changed fairly drastically and they're just weird. 

Like this situation here. 

On the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"....I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

Why did the Can Crusher quit his job? Because it was Soda Pressing.

Ladies, this next one is just for you!

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground.

Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he wants.

“First,” says the man, “I want a billion dollars.”
The genie snaps his fingers and a briefcase full of money materializes out of thin air.

The man is wide eyed in amazement and continues, “Next, I want a Ferrari.”
The genie snaps his fingers and a Ferrari appears from a puff of smoke.

The man continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
The genie snaps his fingers and the man turns into a box of chocolates.

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood by the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the puddle.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.

'Poor old fool,' thought the gentleman. So he invited him into the pub for a drink.

Just to start a conversation while they sipped their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And so how many have you caught?'
"You're the eighth."