Why are fish low in fat? They eat fish all day.

Since my day has been changed around due to the weather (Tornado watch, a front coming in from the West, and high winds), I think this fits well.



A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says….

“Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.
That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back.
"What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.
"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.
But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.
Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.

"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."

Oh and since we donated a few books to the "Little Library" at the park, this seems appropriate.

Organization skills

A student had a problem with keeping things organized. He would often forget his assignments, lose his notes, or misplace his books.
One day, he realized he had lost his book about organizational skills and decided to go to the library to borrow a new one.
He asked the librarian for a book about keeping things organized and orderly and the librarian said, “Sure, we have plenty. Which one do you want?”
The student said, "It doesn’t matter, I’m just going to lose it anyway.

Remember, old gardeners never die, they just gradually turn into compost.

 From a comment by EM.  Thanks!

Oh and if your Ginger starts to sprout, plant it in a pot or the garden.  Mine is coming up.  I'd rather have edible ginger instead of that ornamental stuff.


And speaking of food...



Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.

Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.

As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.

It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.

With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."

Soft Ginger Cookie Recipe

This is most certainly by request!  I need to save this recipe.  It's THAT good.  I also mentioned this in a fitness group that I am active in and I was asked there to make sure I get the recipe out. 

So here it is.  In fact it is SO good that I am setting an egg and a stick and a half of butter out right now to make more since we are tearing through the batch I made last week.  It's raining so I'm not slacking too badly.

This is a very common recipe.  I kept coming up with it when I was researching, and you will find it frequently.  I think the Value I Added is this substitution below.  Definitely consider it if you have access to Ginger Paste.

Substitution: Also when I made this recipe, I realized that I had a LOT of Ginger Paste.  It's useful in Indian recipes and is supposed to be used at 1/2 the volume as Ginger powder.  I used it at a 1:1 ratio since in Philly, where I grew up, we had these "Ivins Ginger Snaps" that I loved.  They were a gut punch of ginger flavor.

You choose!

Ingredients:

•     3/4 cup (170g) butter, softened - room temperature
  
•     1 cup (200g) sugar
•     1 large egg, room temperature
•     1/4 cup (76 g by weight) molasses (I used blackstrap for the extra flavor)
  
•     2-1/4 cups (281g) all-purpose flour
•     2 teaspoons (10ml) ground ginger (Or Ginger Paste!)
  
•     1 teaspoon (5ml) baking soda
•     3/4 teaspoon (4ml) ground cinnamon
•     1/2 teaspoon (2.5ml) ground cloves
•     1/4 teaspoon (1.25ml) salt
•     Optional - Additional sugar for sanding
  

Please note that metric measurements are derived from this link.  The recipe was originally in imperial/traditional measurements.

Process:

• Cream butter and sugar together until light and fluffy.
• Beat in egg and molasses.
• In a separate bowl combine dry ingredients:
  
• flour, 
• ginger, 
• baking soda, 
• cinnamon, 
• cloves 
• and salt
• Add the dry ingredients slowly to the creamed mixture and mix well.
• Optional - Scoop or roll the dough into 1 1/2 inch (2cm) balls and roll in sanding sugar. (I did not).  Each dough ball weighed .9 oz or 25.7 grams before baking.
  
• Place 2 inches (5cm) apart on ungreased baking sheets or parchment paper.
• Bake at 350F/180C until puffy and lightly browned.  10 minutes to 15 mins.
• Cool on Wire Racks.

Serving Size is 2 cookies as they are about 110 calories each.  But you decide, I'm probably not your trainer!

What do you call a pile of cats? Meowtain. (A Meowtain of 11 Knock Knock jokes!)

 The creator of the knock-knock joke should be awarded the No-Bell prize.



Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, too.

Knock knock.
Come in, it's open.
(Stops a knock knock joke every time)




Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow, I didn't know you can yodel!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The electrician. I'm here to repair your door bell.

Knock knock
Who's there?
I map
I map who?
You're a poo?!

Knock knock who’s there?
A little old lady
A little old lady who?
……I didn’t know you could yodel

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hawaii
Hawaii who?
I'm fine! How are you?



 

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and you’ll see



One dog to the other:
Knock knock
Both dogs:
Bark bark bark



Knock Knock
Who's there?
Your wife
Your wife who?
Just open the door I'm not in the mood for your crap right now






Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy think I will tired of telling knock knock jokes?

(Right now, actually.  Hope you enjoyed this silliness!)

Scientists finally located the gene that causes shyness. It was hiding behind two other genes.

 
It is a theme - These two are together because they fit well...


Randy The Rooster

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."





The Prodigal Vulture

Several years ago, in a very flat place called Kansas, there were two vultures named Beaksly and his son, Red. Life for these vultures was pretty simple. Wait for a predator or car to plow into an animal, then swoop in and devour the dead body.

However, Red was rapidly approaching what would be considered teenage years for a vulture, and one day, he asked his father "Why are we always eating roadkill and other dead things? There's got to be something more to our lives than cleaning up the dead."

Beaksly sighed. "I knew this day would come, Red. I had the same discussion with my father when I was your age. Why don't you try to find some new food, son? If you do, come find me, and tell me what you found. If not, you can always come back to me, because you're my son."

And so Red flew off in search of new food sources. And it was a total disaster.

Three days later, a very bedraggled Red flew back to Beaksly. "Well, that was awful. I almost got hit by a truck, got shot at a few times, and was this close to being drowned by an owl."

Beaksly nodded." Minus the owl, that was pretty much my experience too. Welcome home, son. You're just in time for dinner."

Red licked his beak. "What are we having, Dad?"

Beaksly smiled and gestured to the carcass of a fallen deer. "Carrion, my wayward son."

Recipe for "Danish Butter Cookies" or a good Shortbread

If you know what the sewing kit cookies are, you probably like them like I do.  Mom had the iconic blue tin and it was chock full of sewing supplies.  Actually it was her backup supply because her main kit was a floral print box.

I was getting annoyed with how fast I would go through these cookies.  Every time I would go shopping, I'd grab a tin off the shelf and within a week or two they would be gone.  I am extremely active with four hard cardio workouts a week, and these are perfect for my mid workout water and cookie stop.

So since I'm "better than average in the kitchen" I went searching for a similar recipe. 

It's a similar recipe because they aren't quite as crispy as the ones in the tin, but the butter flavor is unmistakable. 

Since it is a butter cookie, splurge on the Better Butter.  It will shine in this recipe.

Then you can have your mid workout snack just like I am.

Oh, and you really want to pipe these out onto the baking sheet.  I had trouble with my cookie press so I just used a teaspoon sized scoop and pressed them flat with my thumb. 

I need a bit more practice with that press.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup or two sticks (227g) of Room Temperature Unsalted Butter
• 1 egg Room Temperature
• 1/2 cup (100 g) granulated sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon (1.25 g) salt
• 1 1/2 teaspoon (7.5 g) vanilla extract
• 2 cups (284 g) all-purpose flour
• Optional: some sanding sugar for decoration

Process:

In a mixer:

• Cream the butter until fluffy.
• Slowly add sugar to the butter.
• Add salt, vanilla, and egg.
• Slowly add in the flour at low speed. Dough will be thick.
• Pipe or spoon into 2 inch circle on cookie sheet lined with Parchment Paper.
• Sprinkle with Sanding Sugar at this time.
• Preheat oven to 350F/175C.
• Bake for 11 to 17 minutes depending on thickness of cookies.
• Cookies will be done when they begin to turn golden on the edges.

Why Are Nostril Jokes Inappropriate? They're Two on the Nose!

Having just gotten back from biking 24.2 miles, I was amused.  I got passed by some guy on a Vespa type scooter today on some very well "mulched" bike lanes.  He was struggling to go up a 1% grade and into a head wind so I don't feel so bad about my own 15mph pace. 



Bear buys a new motorbike

And he wants to show it off to his friend rabbit. They get on and slowly go up a big hill. Then on the way down they go 80, 90, 100, 110, 120 km/h! The bear then asks the rabbit:

”Are you scared?”

“Nope”, says the rabbit, so they finish the ride and get off the bike.

“May I try driving now?”, asks the rabbit.

“Sure, why not”.

So they slowly go up the hill again, this time with the rabbit driving. And then they go down 80, 90, 100, 110, 120km/h! and the rabbit asks the bear:

“Are you scared?”

“Nope!”

“Well you should be, cause I can’t reach the brakes.”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent…

Ok, so this really is kind of on the dark side, G rated but Dark. 




A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the hospital and waits outside the surgery, nervous and pacing. Soon, the doctor comes out and says he has some good news and some bad news.

"Give me the bad news first, Doc."

"Well, your mother-in-law had a massive stroke. She's lost her ability to speak and can only cackle like a chicken." The man nods his head.

"She's also lost all motor control to her arms and legs, so not only won't she be able to walk, she won't even be able to feed herself. You'll have to feed her baby food for the rest of her life. Every day, three times a day." Somberly, the man nods, so the doctor continues.

"Without any motor control, she'll also be incontinent, so she'll have to wear diapers for the rest of her life. You'll have to clean her and put a new diaper on her several times a day for the rest of her life."

The man nods, processing all this information in his brain, then looks to the doctor and asks, " that's some pretty bad news, but you said you had some good news. What's the good news?"

"The good news is I'm just joking with you: she died."

Trust in Dog, That's not a Train you hear, That's Rain

 I keep hearing someone say:
"March comes in like a lion, April like a lamb.
April Showers bring May flowers."

Repeatedly.

I usually respond, is that true for the tropics?  Tropics-Adjacent?

I don't know but here we are.  Getting knocked over.

You see me, I am standing at the front door.  It's almost all glass so you see all of me, head to toe. 

You also see nose prints on the window a little below knee high and my own.

But I WANNA go play outside!  WAAAAH!

This rain and wind nonsense on Day 6 has thrown me off my usual schedule.  I train often, I train hard, and I prefer to do it on a schedule.  Two days a week I skate.  Two days a week I cycle.

Trust me with that, fellow skaters, it will help you build your legs "symmetrically" so you don't have to worry about your knees.

But the third sport, if you can call it that, is walking. 

I walk a minimum of 3.5 miles a day.  5.67 Km a day.  Give or take.  Rack likes it that way.

Actually on cycle days in the summer, I tend to miss a mile but I'm out there going 20 plus miles (32km) on a bike so it does not matter.

First dog walk is normally a long one.  More than a mile.  Sometimes much more than that.  I do what we call a Dog Directed Walk.  I follow him, generally not the other way around.  The other walks are almost a predictable fixed route.

That first dog walk is for Him. 

I got out into the middle of the walk and I did notice that Rack the McNab SuperDog(TM) was acting... hesitant.

"What is it, boy?"
He looked at me and stepped in front of my feet.
"Hmm, a drop of rain on my arm."
I stopped and listened.
Off in the distance I heard a train.  That's actually normal here.  There's an active rail corridor about 3 blocks from the house.  There is freight and passenger rail that goes through and it's part of the rhythm of South Florida.

Pay attention to the signals and don't try to beat the trains.  You won't.

"Come on, show me walk, Rack!"
He led me right back to the house.

We were about a block or three away when that drop became a full on torrent.

"OK, you're right, lets get home!"  Opening my umbrella and continuing on.

He has not learned to sidle up next to me to stay in the dry and I suspect he never will.  Herding Dogs are smart, but they have their own "Dog Logic" and their own priorities. 

This is day six of this ... slop.  We've got a forecast of rain and thunder all week.  The winds are up with gusts over 30mph/50kph.  Rain is predicted.  Pretty much any time so bring the umbrella. 

Rack did it the last two days - got to a point, blocked me, we walked home, and missed the worst of the rain.  Today we were bone dry until I went out on my own.

 

A McNab Herding Dog can be smarter than a Human Being when it comes to rain, Trust In Dog.

And there I am standing at the front door leaving nose prints.  Rack is behind me wondering about all this. 

I say I brought it on.  I vacuumed the house, pulled an orphaned towel from behind the couch when I did.  Put that away and all the other towels sitting around.  The cars were washed.  Rack had a bath.

Three strikes we're out.

Now, if I could just find my flower seeds!  I had a container of Zinnia seeds on my table out front that had blown all over the place.  I have a feeling we will have some flowers in some truly weird spots.

A Bunch Of Easter "Flowers" for you!

 
I met a bishop at Good Friday mass today, but I’m a little suspicious.  He wasn’t moving diagonally.


What did the Roman soldier say on a Good Friday?  Nailed it!

Why did the blonde start looking for a new job?
Her boss texted they would be closed for good friday.



Why We Celebrate Easter

A teacher asks the Easter Sunday School "Why do we celebrate Easter?" Hands go up. "Emily!"
"Easter is when the three wise men came to give baby Jesus gifts" "No, Emily, that is Christmas."
"Who else knows? Bobby! " "Easter is when Jesus gave the loafs n fishes to feed the big crowd."
"No, that is a miracle Bobby." "Who can tell us why we celebrate Easter? Amanda!"
"Easter is the time of year when they put Jesus on a cross and he died and they put him in a toon."
"Yes! Very good, Amanda!"
"And if Jesus comes out of his toon and sees his shadow, then we will get six more weeks of winter!"



A pious man once encountered Jesus Christ and asked, "Lord, what is it that you desire from me?"
The messiah replied, "Follow me."

Together, they embarked on a journey that led them across a plain for two days.
The man, curious about their pilgrimage, asked, "Master, where are you taking me?"
To which Jesus replied, "Follow me."

They continued on for three more days, walking through a dense forest. The man, becoming tired and weary, inquired again, "Master, where are we headed?"
Jesus simply replied, "Follow me."

Eventually, they arrived at the base of a mountain so high that it was shrouded in clouds and snow. Jesus began to climb, and the man followed despite suffering from altitude sickness, exhaustion, and frostbite.
Four days later, they finally reached the summit, and the man asked with anticipation, "Master, what pilgrimage have you brought me on?" Jesus pointed in the distance and said,


"You can see my house from here!"